Having had more than my fair share of insanity in life, I have a special appreciation for film clips that make fun of the crazies.
Nobody nails it like the folks behind the movie “Better Off Dead.” How can you go wrong when David Lee Roth is reduced to hamburger meat?
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kz6Kcz62onA&hl=en_US&fs=1&]
This isn’t the only blog trying to poke the stigma of mental illness and addiction in the eye. Check these out:
Mood music for this post: “Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise” by The Avett Brothers:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E22HprMQN8M&hl=en_US&fs=1&]
I’ve been lucky to run across a couple other blogs this week where others are doing their part to break the stigma of OCD and binge eating. These finds make me happy because I’d hate to be the only one out here trying to fight the good fight. This is a stigma that’s hard to kill, after all.
So let me show you three blogs. Two are stigma-fighting blogs and the third actually glorifies all the stuff food addicts can’t touch.
I include the latter because the gals who write it always give me a chuckle, and laughter is an important tool of recovery, too.
What’s great about this blog is the level of detail the author gets into about every aspect of her OCD. While my blog casts a wide net on OCD, addiction and all the things that go with it, the author of “Exposing OCD” focuses like a laser beam on the compulsive behavior itself. it’s also chock full of information about the coping tools and organizations that have been a valuable resource for people like us.
The author says the following about herself:
I am a 40 something woman living in the Northeastern US, who took the average 17 years to find out I have OCD and even longer to actually find someone who knows how to treat it. I am sharing what has worked for me, as well as my current challenges with Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy. I hope you find this blog helpful!
I do find it helpful, and I thank you.
This one focuses specifically on the challenges of compulsive overeating. The author takes a real diary approach in this one, while my blog — though the word “diary” is in the title — usually strays from the format.
Her writing is really about taking things one day at a time, focusing on each OA meeting, each day of abstinence from compulsive overeating and how she gets through things like traveling without losing her head. She stumbles, of course, and she doesn’t shy away from that. Here’s what she says about herself:
The is the journal of my road to recovery through Overeaters Anonymous. I have been an obsessive-compulsive personality for most of my 40 years. I had lived most of that time working to cure my disease. Through the years, I have practiced and changed almost all of my OCD behaviors to a livable standard, except compulsive binging. Food was my most powerful compulsion and when I hit bottom on May 13th, 2010, I finally I decided to join Overeaters Anonymous. Little did I know then that this was the answer I had been looking for all along. I have been abstinent from my compulsions since May 15th, 2010 and I have never felt so free.
The ladies who write this one are friends of mine from the IT security industry: Christen Rice Gentile and Katie Boucher. Both work for Kaspersky Lab and Threat Post. Theirs is an unlikely blog to be included here.
I can’t eat a thing that they write about. They write about wanting to eat entire rooms full of kettle corn. They have more to say about beer than I ever thought possible.
But I’m at a stage of recovery where I can read about stuff I can’t have, be OK with it and even enjoy it. Besides, I’m a sucker for this comic direction they take.
Their colleague and my former boss, Dennis Fisher — an avid runner who can eat all this shit and stay thin — is quoted in the tagline as saying “serious food blogs suck out loud.”
Funny… I always felt that way about serious runner blogs. Except for this one. 😉
Go figure.
As good as the author has gotten at managing OCD, some days it still comes crashing down.
Mood music for this post: “You’re Crazy” by Guns ‘N Roses:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1wmwud1DXQ&hl=en_US&fs=1&]
Today was not one of my better days, folks. I had an OCD moment at work. My boss was pretty forgiving about the whole thing, but I’m still pissed with myself.
Before I go any further, this is not a bitch-about-work post. For starters, I have nothing to complain about. I have a great job and work with some of the best people I’ve ever worked with. Every morning I wake up excited about getting to work. Call me crazy, but it’s the truth. And if I did have a problem with someone in the office, it would be between me and them.
No, this is a post about me being an idiot. Pure and simple.
I came into work itching to post two articles I wrote yesterday and did so even though my editor hadn’t had a chance to read them yet. In my head, it was safe to post them because I hadn’t heard back about any changes being necessary. Which meant I had the green light to push them live.
So I did. Now, the editor was very cool-headed about it. He’s one of the nicest guys on the planet and doesn’t yell. But I could tell he wasn’t happy. Not realizing what I had done, he had started doing his own edits.
I went back to my desk, feeling like a first-class asshole. I immediately sent him an e-mail apologizing profusely. He told me not to worry about it. But I worried about it anyway.
Because from the moment I saw the frustration in his face, I knew I had just allowed the OCD to run wild.
These weren’t time-sensitive articles. It really didn’t matter if they ran today or next week. But somewhere in the dark corners of my brain, the urge to control overruled my better judgement.
So here I am, making a much bigger deal of it than it probably deserves.
I’m doing so because there’s a lesson to share.
No matter how good a person with OCD gets at managing the disorder, once in awhile things still go haywire.
For me, this was a minor incident. But it was a sobering reminder that I must take care.
The good news is that I handle these things much better than I did a decade ago, when the very same incident would have caused me to do the following:
— Blame everyone but myself
— Brood for days, possibly weeks
— Let the brooding paralyze everything else, which meant all real productivity ceased and I’d spend time complaining to co-workers instead.
— Allow the stress of the situation to drive me into another episode of binge eating.
This time, the aftermath was happily different. I made my apology, accepted the forgiveness that came my way, and I moved on. I had a pretty productive afternoon of editing to boot.
I had the abstinent lunch I had packed for myself instead of running to the nearest junk-food joint for a binge.
After work was done for the day, I came home, did some chores and enjoyed a nice evening with Sean and Duncan.
And I still find myself looking forward to the work that awaits me tomorrow. And it’ll be a busy one crammed with editing, interviews, more writing and an evening meeting of the National Information Security Group, of which I am a board member.
These things may seem small, but for someone who used to come unhinged over his mistakes — especially the work mistakes — the progress is huge.
So instead of brooding, I’m making a simple course correction: From now on, I don’t publish anything until someone above me signs off on it.
Lesson learned. On with life. And grateful for th ability to put things in the proper perspective.
Some crazy stuff, eh?
The story of a relationship ruptured by mental illness.
I told myself never to write this one. Too many people would feel burned. Then I remembered those who won’t like this are already angry with me. This is a critical piece of my journey through mental illness, addiction and recovery. So in I go.
Those who know me well know I haven’t gotten along with my mother and step-father for a long time. It’s been more than six years since our relationship imploded. There really is no blame to be assigned. No one person is completely innocent or at fault. Depression, addictive behavior and anger run deep in the family line, and ruptured relationships are often the tragic result.
I take full responsibility for my wrongs along the way. I also hold out hope for a reconciliation, despite several failed attempts in the past three years.
My mom yelled a lot when we were kids. She was capable of serious rage. She could speak in a threatening and cutting way. As a kid, I was completely incapable of understanding the pain she was going through. A failed marriage that was as much my father’s fault as hers. The death of a child and life-threatening illness of another child.
I remember her worrying about me endlessly and sitting beside my hospital bed for weeks on end as the Crohn’s Disease raged inside me, and dragging herself to her wit’s end taking care of my grandparents and great-grandmother, all of whom could be difficult.
We often look at abusive relationships in black and white. There’s the abuser and the victim. But it’s never that simple.
I forgave my mother a long time ago for the darker events of my childhood. I doubt I would have done much better in her shoes. Her marriage to my father was probably doomed from the start, and the break-up was full of rancor. Me and my brother were sick a lot, and one of us didn’t make it.
I didn’t fully appreciate what a body blow that was until I became a parent. After Michael died, she became a suffocating force in my life. I did the same to my own kids until I started dealing with the OCD.
I think she did the best she could under the circumstances.
So why aren’t we talking today?
There are many reasons. Some her fault, some mine, and a lot of other relationships have been bruised and broken in the process.
There’s a lot I can get into about this, but the simplest answer is that this relationship is a casualty of mental illness and addiction. This one can’t be repaired so easily, because much of my OCD and addictive behavior comes directly from her. She is my biggest trigger.
This is an old story. Mental illness and addiction are almost always a family affair. I was destined to have a binge-eating addiction because both my parents have one. They were never drinkers, though my stepfather was. Food was their narcotic. And so it became for me.
The fatal rupture in this relationship came in the summer of 2006. I was two years into my treatment for OCD and the binge eating was still in full swing. I was an emotional mess that summer. Late that July I had surgery for a deviated septum and was lying around drugged up all week. The kids were home and Erin was trying to do her job and take on all the stuff I couldn’t do around the house. So I asked my mother to come over for a few hours and play with the kids.
That morning, the phone rang.
“So tell me again what you need me to do when I get there,” my mother asked, after going on a tirade about what an inconvenience this was for her.
“I just want you to play with the kids for a few hours while Erin works,” I said. It seemed a reasonable request, since she was always on me about seeing more of her grandchildren.
“I’m coming up there so YOUR WIFE can work?” she asked.
That was the breaking point. I got angry and hung up. I figured it would blow over. What followed was a brutal e-mail exchange where she ripped my wife to shreds and blamed her for everything. There were also a lot of swipes in my direction about how I was the laughing stock of the family and that my wife had me whipped.
Since then, we’ve tried a few times but failed to repair the relationship. Our differences are simply too deep.
As far as she’s concerned, I’m a heartless, selfish bastard who does everything my wife tells me to do and that I’ve denied her the right to see her grandchildren. As far as I’m concerned, I need to keep my distance from my OCD triggers, and she is the biggest trigger I have.
I’ve wrestled with this mightily. My Faith tells me I need to honor my mother and father. Every time I go into the confession booth at church it’s the first thing I bring up. One priest put it this way: “Honor thy mother and father doesn’t mean you roll over and allow abuse to continue.” Still, I wrestle with it.
More than one person has asked me why I can’t just accept the disagreements and love my mother despite it.
That’s complicated.
I do love her. That’s never changed. But we both see things in each other that we can’t tolerate. That’s the best explanation I’m capable of giving right now.
Addicts lie because of the shame. But there’s another reason for all the sneaking around.
Mood music for this post: John Lennon’s “Cold Turkey,” as covered by Cheap Trick:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5e04OBJzbvc&hl=en_US&fs=1&]
My boredom-induced brush with bad behavior Saturday night led to a conversation with Erin about the things I used to do when I was deep in the haze of my binge-eating addiction. She knows I lied a lot back then. I was a world-class sneak. Some of what I did still shocks her today.
She knew back then that I was spending a lot of money on junk and then trying to cover my tracks. She often found the empty fast-food bags under the seats in my car. Guilt bags, she called them.
Yesterday, during a conversation about something completely different — a friend’s enjoyment of chocolate — more of my past leaked out. The friend told Erin that he likes Kit-Kat and Hershey chocolate bars. This didn’t fit with her idea of good chocolate. She’s more of a Godiva Chocolate fan. It’s like me being a Starbucks snob and teasing those who settle for Dunkin Donuts and Maxwell House.
“I used to like Kit-Kats,” I said. “I used to like lots of ’em at one sitting.”
Then I mentioned how I would stop at gas stations and buy a pile of them to shove down my throat on the ride home. That’s when she said she still can’t believe what I used to do. It still makes her squirm a little bit.
If she knew EXACTLY what I was doing back then, she said, it would have been very hard to take, because while she was aware of the shame factor, before all my treatment she just didn’t have the ability to understand the mind of an addict.
The comment is worth mentioning here, because it sums up another layer of the liar’s disease. Shame was the biggest part of it for me. But there was also the other part: People just don’t understand.
Recovering addicts understand. But the more “normal” among us simply don’t have the ability to grasp how our brains are wired.
That’s not a criticism. Deep-rooted stupidity is hard for smart people to swallow. Not that addiction is about being smart or stupid.
The worst addicts include some of the smartest people on Earth. But in the grip of the crazies, we become capable of grand acts of buffoonery.
The good news is that I’m deep in recovery today and I’m grateful as hell.
And if my openness can help a few people understand, it was almost worth going through it.
Boredom is one of the most dangerous things an addict can encounter.
Mood music for this post: “What’s It Gonna Take” by Motley Crue:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHk7h-xik-E&hl=en_US&fs=1&]
Last night Erin was working, the kids were in bed and I had time on my hands. It wasn’t long before I started to feel bored.
Not good for someone with an addictive personality.
Boredom means the mind is free to start spinning. I feel uneasy and can’t settle on anything. Then I’m in the kitchen, looking through the cabinets.
I see a bottle of gin and consider taking a swig. If I do, surely no one will ever know.
I see the cupcakes Erin baked for Duncan’s kindergarten graduation celebration. Surely no one will notice if one goes missing. Or two. Or five.
For about 20 minutes, I’m standing there seriously thinking about breaking both my abstinence from binge eating and my sobriety. Erin doesn’t have to know. My OA sponsor doesn’t have to know.
Then I come to my senses and leave the kitchen. Instead of doing what I used to do all the time, I make a couple calls to fellow addicts in recovery, take a shower and go to bed.
When the addict in me stirs, there are usually reasons. A wave of depression. Stress over some family or work situation. Self loathing.
Last night none of those applied. Instead it was the boredom. Pure and simple. When I get bored, I start talking to The Asshole [Read about him in “Meet My Demon“].
I’m lucky these days. When I start listening to The Asshole, I’m able to snap back to reality and think of all the things I’ve accomplished in recovery. Breaking my abstinence and/or sobriety is just not worth the risk of everything crashing down.
There’s always the chance that I’ll relapse. That’s a danger every recovering addict lives with.
But it’s not going to happen today.
Since recovery is about taking it one day at a time, that’s a huge victory for me.
Still, last night was a good reminder that boredom can be lethal for someone like me. That’s why I write so much. That’s why I chose a demanding profession. That’s why I fill up all the remaining time in my days with activity, whether it’s something at church or various security industry meet-ups. It’s why I traveled 10 hours to and from Washington DC in a cramped RV with nine other people last February for the ShmooCon security conference instead of taking a 90-minute flight.
I don’t ever want to be bored.
That’s when the bad stuff happens.
An untimely death has the author rethinking the meaning of life.
Mood music for this post: “Alive” by P.O.D.:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFG820EwvUQ&hl=en_US&fs=1&]
After JFK Jr., his wife and sister-in-law were killed when the plane they were in hit the ocean in the summer of 1999, the late Sen. Edward “Uncle Teddy” Kennedy said at the memorial service that his nephew had “every gift but length of years.”
It reminds me of an interview done years ago with Rose Kennedy in which the matriarch was asked if she would have preferred more normal lives for her dead children had it meant a longer life. Here answer was no. The lives her children had were full and left a mark on history, even if they didn’t make it to old age. She also noted that there’s no messing with God’s plan.
I’ve been thinking about these things since having coffee with my dear friend Penny Richards this morning.
Her only child died in a motorcycle accident late last year, and it has made a lot of us think about the fragility of life and how every moment we’re here counts. As Henry Rollins sang, “There’s no such thing as downtime. All there is is lifetime.” [I’m not sure I got the lyric down perfectly, but that’s the essence of it.]
My friend’s daughter, 25-year-old P.J., had been working at Mass. General Hospital and was well on her way to a career in the medical field when the end came. She was there about four months, but made a huge impression on those she worked with. The proof is in the tree that’s been planted in her honor there.
I read Penny’s blog every day, and let me tell you: The stuff she’s writing is going to help a lot of grieving people get through their melancholy in years to come. I so wish she didn’t have to be the one to set the example because she has to carry around deep pain. But for those who suffer from depression or go through any brand of adversity, her experiences must be shared.
Do yourself a favor and read her blog.
Also, take some time to learn about her daughter. I never really knew P.J., though I remember her hanging around the Eagle-Tribune newsroom all the time when her mother was a lifestyles writer and I was night editor.
I’ve since been inspired by her life story, as told my many people. She died too soon, but when she lived, she really lived, and brightened the lives of everyone around her in the process.
It’s a story that really helps us understand how to spend the time God gives us, whether its 100 years or just 25.
Which brings me back to that Kennedy quote: “Every gift but length of years.”
This in turn makes me think of some words of wisdom often repeated by Father Michael Harvey at my parish, All Saints in Haverhill, Mass. [Funny I should mention Father Mike and Kennedy in the same entry. Father Mike is not a Kennedy fan.]
Father Mike often tells us that our job as parents is to get our children into Heaven, whether the child lives to old age or dies young.
By that measuring stick, Penny and Dave Richards did their job and then some.
And their “pretty girl,” as Penny calls her in her own blog, rubbed off on enough people in her short life that the world in general has been left a better place than what she was born into.
That’s how I feel, anyway.
Our instinct as parents is to shield our children from danger. But sometimes a long, safe life isn’t in God’s plan. Since that’s the case, we need to instill in them the goodness they need for whatever may come.
This might sound weird, even preachy, to some of you. But it’s what I believe and where my head and gut have taken me today.
Thanks for indulging me.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned about life in recovery from mental illness and addiction, it’s that nobody gets better without a lot of help. God works through different people. These three entries are about just some of the people who have helped me along…
Mood music for this post: “Classic Girl” from Jane’s Addiction:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_KFq8A32Y4&hl=en_US&fs=1&]
We’re in This Together Now: Gratitude List, Part 2
The author realizes it’s not about what you do, but who you are.
http://www.theocddiaries.com/2010/06/08/were-in-this-together-now-gratitude-list-part-2/
The Gratitude List, Part 1
http://www.theocddiaries.com/2010/05/05/the-gratitude-list/
The Healers (Adventures in Step 9)
Tripped on Step 9 many times. But I got back up. Here’s what happened next.
http://www.theocddiaries.com/2010/05/04/the-healers-adventures-in-step-9/
Time to End This Sentimental Journey
The author realizes it’s time to let some things go.
http://www.theocddiaries.com/2010/06/07/time-to-end-this-sentimental-journey/
Friends Who Help You Heal
http://www.theocddiaries.com/2010/02/28/friends-who-help-you-heal/
I’m On My Way
http://www.theocddiaries.com/2010/02/28/im-on-my-way/
Who says the author has no sense of humor?
Mood music for this post: “Mother—– of the Year” by Motley Crue:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pA1ICeWMhY&hl=en_US&fs=1&]
Some of the more light-hearted posts from the last couple months:
Case study: Darth Vader and His Brother Chad
The author finds a CNN article suggesting Darth Vader suffered from mental illness. Looking back, it all makes perfect sense.
http://www.theocddiaries.com/2010/06/10/case-study-darth-vader-and-his-brother-chad/
The Case for Multiple Personalities
The author embraces the multiple personalities in his head.
http://www.theocddiaries.com/2010/04/22/the-case-for-multiple-personalities/
How I Became the Easy Parent
Here’s a side of my recovery that the kids enjoy: I’m more of a push-over than I used to be.
http://www.theocddiaries.com/2010/06/06/how-i-became-the-easy-parent/
OCD Group Therapy With Benefits
Not sure why I found this amusing. But I did.
http://www.theocddiaries.com/2010/05/20/ocd-group-therapy-with-benefits/
How a Binge Eater in Recovery Packs for a Trip
The author’s program of recovery from addiction makes travel more interesting. Here’s how.
http://www.theocddiaries.com/2010/05/12/how-a-binge-eater-in-recovery-packs-for-a-trip/
Road Kill (a Family Adventure)
The author on why he’s taking the family on a 10-hour car ride.
http://www.theocddiaries.com/2010/05/12/road-kill-a-family-adventure/
Granny
The author introduces his Granny, a sweet gal with an edge.
http://www.theocddiaries.com/2010/05/09/granny/
The OCD Diaries: Luke Skywalker Has OCD
Even a Jedi can have it…
http://www.theocddiaries.com/2010/04/29/the-ocd-diaries-luke-skywalker-has-ocd/
How to Freak Out a Mouse with OCD!
http://www.theocddiaries.com/2010/04/23/how-to-freak-out-a-mouse-with-ocd/
Human Tourniquets and the Freaks Who Love ‘em
The author on a man who took a lot of abuse at the hands of his not-so-sane friend.
http://www.theocddiaries.com/2010/04/15/human-tourniquets-and-the-freaks-who-love-em/
The author finds a CNN article suggesting Darth Vader suffered from mental illness. Looking back, it all makes perfect sense.
Mood music for this post: “The Imperial March” METAL version!
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRWAi-OjdRg&hl=en_US&fs=1&]
Darth Vader is one of the most famous movie villains on the planet. He is responsible for billions of deaths. He let his temper get the better of him. But looking back, he was just another misunderstood sufferer of mental illness.
CNN tells me so.
According to the following, very well written article, the Dark Lord of the Sith had a personality disorder:
By Elizabeth Landau
CNN.com Health Writer/Producer
The manipulations of Anakin Skywalker, also known as Darth Vader in the “Star Wars” saga, have long been ascribed to the Dark Side of the Force. Now, psychiatrists suggests that the actions of the Jedi Knight could be used in teaching about a real-life mental illness.
A letter to the editor in the journal Psychiatry Research explores just what is wrong with Vader. French researchers posit that Vader exhibits six out of the nine criteria for borderline personality disorder. Unstable moods, interpersonal relationships, and behaviors are all characteristics of this condition, according to the National Institutes of Mental Health. It affects 2 percent of adults, mostly young women.
The young Anakin Skywalker was separated from his mother at an early age, and his father was absent, factors that could have contributed to borderline personality disorder. His “infantile illusions of omnipotence” and “dysfunctional experiences of self and others” are also indicative of this condition from an early age.
The researchers argue that Vader experienced two “dissociative episodes,” one when he exterminated the Tusken people after his mother’s death, and the other when he killed all of the Jedi younglings. He often showed impulsive behavior and had difficulty controlling his anger. He also may have showcased a disturbance in identity by turning to the dark side and changing his name.
Darth Vader may thus be used to educate the public about borderline personality disorder and help combat stigma associated with mental illness.
But Emory psychiatrist Dr. Charles Raison, CNNhealth.com’s mental health expert, has a different take. In the original three movies – which are the last three chronologically – Vader appears to be under the control of an evil emperor, making his character difficult to ascribe to a psychiatric disorder.
UPDATE: Dr. Raison would like to clarify that his comment was specific to Darth Vader and not to Anakin Skywalker. “Anakin is a much better exemplar of personality disturbance,” he says. “On the other hand Darth Vader laid down his life to save his son and kill the evil emperor when all was said and done. Perhaps there is a lesson here, too, on type casting people who struggle with personality disturbances?”
No wonder why I had a Star Wars obsession as a kid. Hell, the obsession lasted well into my 20s. I guess I really identified with Vader.
Actually, I identify more with his less-talented brother Chad. Chad had serious control issues that manifested themselves at work. He was such a bad-ass manager that none of his workers would take him seriously. The creators of the Chad Vader saga have done a ton of episodes you can access at the link above. But to get you started, the first episode is below. It’s really a great case study in mental disorder:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wGR4-SeuJ0&hl=en_US&fs=1&]
