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Me And My Facebook Unfriend Finder

Yesterday Mashable had an article about a new plug-in that alerts you when someone unfriends you, de-activates their page or ignores your friend request.

Mood music:

“That would be bad for my mental health,” I told myself, seconds before hitting the “install” button. I was reminded of the Black Flag song where Henry Rollins screams:

You say you don’t want it
You don’t want it
Say you don’t want it
Then you slip it on in

When I told Erin about the plug-in she scolded me with the very words that came to mind right before I installed it: “That would be sooooo bad for your mental health.”

So why did I install the thing, knowing what I know about my compulsive tendencies? To be honest, I was curious.

I’ve written before about Facebook Unfriend Syndrome: That nagging feeling you get when someone unfriends you. You wonder if you offended the person and want to ask them why they left. It’s a stupid state of mind, to be sure. But having OCD is partly about developing stupid compulsions.

Indeed, I have offended people over things I’ve written in this blog. A close friend got mad at me for something I wrote and ditched me, though she recently added me back. My own mother defriended me because she couldn’t handle my version of past events. I long ago accepted that I’m going to lose people along the way. That’s life, especially when you’re the outspoken type.

With all that in mind, any sane person would prefer not to know who unfriended them. I never claimed I was playing with a full deck.

An hour after I installed it, I got a message, just like any notification you get on Facebook, saying so-and-so deactivated their profile. An hour later, someone else deactivated theirs.

“Hmm,” I thought. “It is good to know when someone kills their account.”

Now I almost find myself wanting someone to unfriend me just so I can watch this new toy do its thing.

It’s crazy, I know.

There are arguments for having this kind of tool. Seeing the types of people who leave can give you an indication of who is more or less likely to want your content. If a relative does it, it’s good to know so you can try to fix whatever you did to bruise them. Of course, sometimes family members deserve to be bruised.

In the final analysis, though, I’ve decided to uninstall it because, as Erin said, it’s dangerous for my brand of OCD. I also realize people have a right to unfriend without telling people.

It’s a personal and private action.

Also, as I’ve noted before, sometimes unfriending is the right thing.

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A Confession (Or Four)

This is for those who believe in a higher power — especially the messed-up Catholics among us. Those who might take offense should go away and come back tomorrow.  I won’t think any less of you.

In the Catholic Faith, there’s a Sacrament of Reconciliation — modern language for going to confession. Duncan did it for the first time Saturday. Sean, Erin and I used the occasion to do it, too.

Because you tell your sins to an also-flawed human being (the priest), a lot of people are turned off. I got past that by realizing the priest is really just a direct phone line to God. He doesn’t have to be pure as the driven snow to fill the role.

Mood music:

Being the screw-up that I am, I need to empty the trash from my soul every few months. The poison is constantly building up in my system — anger, resentment, narcissism, selfishness.

Simply put, Confession is where I go to unload all the things I keep doing wrong. It’s just me and the priest. It’s a moment of truth, where I can be honest about myself before God and let the accumulated angst, guilt and exhaustion drip away.

For those of you who have different beliefs, the concept may not make sense. You may even find the concept ridiculous. That’s you’re right.

I know a lot of good Catholics who struggle with it.

One guy I know hasn’t been to Confession in nearly a decade. Last time he went he listed his sins to a priest who was later convicted of sexual abuse. Why, he asked me one day, should he be telling his sins to someone who was supposed to be clean and trustworthy, but was in fact dripping with filth more foul than anything he could confess?

It’s a fair question.

I’m sure a lot of people in Haverhill are going through the same emotions over Father Keith LeBlanc, who allegedly used church funds to buy pornography. Is this the kind of person you want to go to to confess about having dirty thoughts when an attractive woman walks by?

The man who confessed to a sexually abusive priest is a good man. He raised four children who grew up to be pretty awesome. He’d give you the shirt off his back. He also continues to go to church almost every Sunday.

But he doesn’t go to Confession because he doesn’t believe he should be confessing to a priest who is full of sin himself.

It’s a shame he feels that way, because I think Confession would do him good. At the same time, I can’t blame him. That kind of anger takes a lot of years to tame.

Here’s how I see it:

We forget priests are human, prone to all the mistakes the rest of us make. In the case of Father LeBlanc, he was under the spell of one of the most insidious addictions a person could have. When the addiction has you by the balls, you do terrible things to feed the habit. Stealing money, for example.

My most destructive addiction was compulsive binge eating. I always knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t stop. And I used a lot of money that wasn’t mine to feed that addiction. It was money from the family account, but it could have easily been money from someplace else.

My kids have been selling popcorn for the Cub Scouts and I recently took the order form and cash envelope to work to sell some for them. For a good three weeks I had an envelope full of cash sitting in my laptop bag. Five or 10 years ago, chances are pretty good that I would have burned through some or all of that money to get my fix. Thank God I don’t have to face that danger today.

Addicts of all stripes: Food, booze, drugs — know exactly what I’m talking about.

You know it’s wrong. You badly want to stop. BUT YOU CAN’T.

Sounds like every other sin out there.

Priests have a role to play in the Sacrament of Reconciliation, the official term for Confession. Their job is to sit there and absorb someone else’s sins, then grant forgiveness.

What people fail to understand is that they are telling their sins to God. The priest is just a conduit.

It’s a brutally hard concept to swallow, especially when we spend our lives trying to oversimplify the fight between good and evil.

All I know is that Confession is important to me.

I screw up daily. I’m forgiven for sins and then I go out and do the same stupid things all over again. It’s like a trash can. You empty it and spend the next week filling it back up with garbage. Then it has to be emptied again. 

When I go into the Confession booth and dump out the garbage, I walk away feeling a hundred pounds lighter.

If that sounds stupid to you, I don’t know what to tell you.

In this blog, I can only tell you where I’ve been and how I got through my own personal hell.

But what works for me can’t possibly work for everyone.

I’m just glad I found another piece of God’s Grace. Hopefully, I’m a better man for it.

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RIOT Guitarist Dies From Crohn’s Disease

I’m sad to report that Mark Reale, founding guitarist of the legendary metal band RIOT, died yesterday from Crohn’s Disease complications.

Mood music:

Here’s the news from Blabbermouth, a heavy metal news site:

Reale died yesterday (Wednesday, January 25) in a San Antonio hospital due to complications of Crohn’s disease — an ailment he had battled for most of his life. He was 56 years old.

Reale had reportedly been in a coma for the past two weeks after suffering a subarachnoid hemorrhage on January 11.

Mark is survived by his father, Anthony Reale, and was preceded in death by his mother, Frances Reale.

Mark spent most of his life working and performing while enduring almost constant pain and the side effects of treatment for Crohn’s disease. He was in Texas bravely attempting to practice for the shows, but was felled by a severe onset of Crohn’s symptoms, leaving him in the Intensive Care Unit at an undisclosed facility. Mark was struggling with these symptoms throughout the production of RIOT‘s new album, “Immortal Soul”, and guitarist Mike Flyntz recorded a major portion of the guitars on the LP with Mark‘s creative direction while Reale was unable to perform. 

For those wondering if I’m freaked out because the disease I’ve had for most of my life killed someone, the answer is no. I’ve always known this is a potentially fatal disease. But deaths are pretty rare. Deaths from asthma are rare, too, but asthma complications killed my brother all the same.

The truth is, you never know when you’re time is up. I used to spend a lot of time worrying about my own mortality but not anymore. The more time you spend doing that, the more life you waste.

I’d rather go out knowing I did my absolute best as a dad, husband and writer than sitting back at age 95 wondering what the hell happened to my life.

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Smarter People Drink, Which Makes Me Feel Stupid

I’m pissed off about an article in Psychology Today that suggests smarter people consume more alcohol. As someone who’s sober, the article is kind of insulting. After all, I consider myself a reasonably intelligent person.

Mood music:

Here’s a snippet from the article by Satoshi Kanazawa:

Drinking alcohol is evolutionarily novel, so the Hypothesis would predict that more intelligent people drink more alcohol than less intelligent people.

Human consumption of alcohol, however, was unintentional, accidental, and haphazard until about 10,000 years ago.  The intentional fermentation of fruits and grain to yield ethanol arose only recently in human history.  The production of beer, which relies on a large amount of grain, and that of wine, which similarly requires a large amount of grapes, could not have taken place before the advent of agriculture around 8,000 BC and the consequent agricultural surplus.  Archeological evidence dates the production of beer and wine to Mesopotamia at about 6,000 BC.  The origin of distilled spirits is far more recent, and is traced to Middle East or China at about 700 AD.  The word alcohol – al kohl – is Arabic in origin, like many other words that begin with “al,” like algebra, algorithm, alchemy, and Al Gore.

Indicators of alcohol consumption in the Add Health data include the frequency of binge drinking (drinking five or more units of alcohol in one sitting) and the frequency of getting drunk.  That such behavior is detrimental to health and has few, if any, positive consequences, is irrelevant for the Hypothesis.  It does not predict that more intelligent individuals are more likely to engage in healthy and beneficial behavior.  Instead, it predicts that more intelligent individuals are more likely to engage in evolutionarily novel behavior.  Since the consumption of modern alcoholic beverages – including binge drinking and getting drunk – is evolutionarily novel, the Hypothesis would predict that more intelligent individuals are more likely to engage in it, and the empirical data from the UK and the US confirm it.

His hypothesis pisses me off because there are days when I hate being sober. I’d give anything for a few drops of wine, for that mellow feeling I get after a couple glasses.

It’s also been drilled into my head that addiction isn’t about being smart or stupid. The perfect description comes from this “West Wing” episode where Leo, the chief of staff, tries to explain what alcohol does to him:

As Leo says, his brain works differently. It has nothing to do with being smart or stupid.

Nevertheless, there are days where my addictions make me feel supremely stupid. It has certainly compelled me to do stupid things in the past.

To be fair, the article doesn’t really say that only smart people drink a lot. Reading it just pisses me off because I can’t drink anymore.

I can’t eat flour or sugar anymore. Lots of smart people love those two ingredients.

I can’t smoke anymore. Lots of smart people smoke.

I won’t lie: I used to think I looked very smart and sophisticated with a cigar hanging from my lips.

Some would call that stupid. Whatever.

The bottom line is that I can’t drink or do the other things anymore. It’s not because I lack intelligence. It’s because that intelligence is powerless against the mental impulse that screams out for a good feeling; for a break.

Mine is a particularly strange tale of addiction. My biggest problem was compulsive binge eating. My drinking accelerated after I put the flour and sugar down because I needed a crutch. Then I realized I needed the wine a little too much, so I put that down and started on the cigars for a crutch.

Now I don’t smoke anymore, and there are days where I struggle to find a good release. Yoga doesn’t do it for me. As Erin points out, yoga could do it for me, but I’m prejudiced against it. Fair enough.

Moderation doesn’t exist in my world. It’s all or nothing.

That doesn’t make me dumb. But it might mean I’m a victim of dumb luck.

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I’ve Been Called A Lot Of Things, But Never ‘Versatile’

My friend Linda White nominated this blog for a Versatile Blogger award. I’m honored. I’ve been called asshole, mentally disturbed, jerk and loudmouth. Versatile is a new one.

Mood music:

http://youtu.be/EucafWcPav4

Whenever someone honors me, I like to pay it forward, so let’s play along.

Rules of the Versatile Blogger award…

RULE #1: List 7 Random Facts About Yourself:

1. I recently learned that there’s more caffeine in lighter coffee roasts than the darker stuff I prefer. To get both the strong kick and taste, I now brew a mix of light and dark. That’s what I call balance.

2. I’m probably the only person on Earth who likes the new Van Halen song. That either means I’m cooler than everyone else or my musical tastes have deteriorated.

3. I recently learned that I have ADD as well as OCD. That explains why I’m having so much trouble writing this post.

4. I always work with my feet up on the desk. It makes me look lazy, but it’s really to keep from fidgeting.

5. I’ve only recently gotten over the fact that I had to quit smoking. I quit in August.

6. As annoying as it can be sometimes, I enjoy difficult, dramatic people. Difficult+dramatic=more interesting.

7. My passion for history has taken a darker turn of late. I usually like to visit monuments to the giants in D.C. Lately, however, I favor places where horrendous crimes have happened. I think it’s a subconscious effort to take the sting out of things that used to scare me.

RULE #2: Nominate 15 Other Blogs.

1. http://thewritingresource.net/ This is the blog of my awesome wife Erin. It’s a must-read for anyone who is serious about learning to write well. The blog is chock full of language resources and grammar tips. By the way, Erin edits much of what appears in my blog.

2. http://crudmykidssay.wordpress.com/ Linda has a brilliant wit that bobbles freely between sunny and dark. I love this blog ’cause I know and love her kids, and she really captures their personalities in the writing.

3. http://notnowhoneymommyhastoblog.com/  A new one by another mom with a razor-sharp wit and the talent to capture it in a blog. The pictures of her dog’s hapless expression while wearing a variety of undignified costumes is reason alone to follow her.

4. http://caffeineandcookies.com/ My old Rockit Records colleague Christian Campagnia has traveled cross country at least five times in the last year (OK, that’s a slight exaggeration, but only slight) and I love the somewhat warped picture he presents of the people he meets. His honesty about himself is also refreshing.

5.  http://www.ridiculouslife.net/crazy-in-a-crazy-world.html  is from Dr. Annabelle Rc, author of “A Life Lived Ridiculously” – the companion blog being “Crazy In A Crazy World.”

6. http://ocdbloggergirl.wordpress.com/ is written by Lisa Burleson. Like me, she writes in an attempt to sort out the daily challenges of life with OCD. Her observations are raw and unflinching, and reading about her challenges makes you realize how so alike we all are. When you realize you’re not alone, life’s big challenges become less insurmountable.

7. http://emergentchaos.com/  is a group blog on security, privacy, liberty, and economics. It’s written by Adam Shostack, Chris Walsh, Arthur and Mordaxus.

8. http://howtoraiseadysfunctionalfamilyin10days.wordpress.com/ is written by my old friend Nancy Casey. She takes the everyday, often serious challenges of family life and puts a humorous spin on it. I introduced her to her husband Chris, so her family challenges are sort of my fault. But they have great kids, so it’s a fault I’m happy to have.

9. http://pennywrites.wordpress.com/ You will never know what courage is until you read about Penny Richards’ journey through hell. She has fought breast cancer and is sharing her journey to deal with the death of her only child. I suspect her daughter is looking down from Heaven at her mom and feeling very proud.

10. http://reassembler.wordpress.com/ This is from my boss, Derek Slater. He writes about food, chess and, of course, a little security. Our big boss John Gallant captures the essence of this blog perfectly when he says of Derek, “You have departed from reality.”

11. http://blog.uncommonsensesecurity.com/ Another security blog, written by my old friend Jack Daniel. Jack has a special gift for articulating the more ridiculous side of our industry.

12. http://thesweetestreasons.typepad.com/the_sweetest_reasons/ I used to work with Olivia Gatti, a gifted photographer who captures the raw beauty of family life each day. I’ve never met her husband and daughters, but in reading this blog I feel like I know them very well.

13. http://run-dmz.blogspot.com/ Few people can write like by former boss, Anne Saita. There’s a lot about running in this one, but it’s about so much more than that.

14. http://www.savagechickens.com/2009/12/hey-beautiful.html This is a showcase for Doug Savage’s “Savage Chickens” cartoons. He’s warped, and I mean that as a compliment.

15. http://idiosyncratic-routine.com/ is written by Amber Baldet, a capital markets and investment banking technology consultant, science lover,
artist, gamer and digital rights and privacy advocate. All of these subjects shine through in her blog. That’s some serious diversity.

versatileblogger-award-icon

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Sometimes You Have To ‘Give Yourself To The Dark Side’

Guest column: An OCD sufferer finds that managing his demon is a lot like managing the dark side of The Force.

Mood music:

A few months ago I told you about my friend and former co-worker Steve Repsys and how, as two undiagnosed OCD sufferers, our working relationship was often the stuff of comedy. What follows is Steve in his own words, explaining how helpful it can be to open up about the disorder and “give in to the dark side.”

***

“You don’t know the power of the dark side.” Darth Vader to Luke Skywalker

For those of us suffering from OCD, this mental condition is our “dark side.” Often times we ignore or minimize this “dark side” because we are so embarrassed by it. When I don’t acknowledge this part of me, I find myself running into problems, like Luke Skywalker in the cantina. But when you “embrace the dark side,” there is a subtle but noticeable change.

I learned this the other day when I shared with my co-worker Kate that I suffer from OCD. Kate is one of the nicest people I work with and is extremely approachable. Somehow in one of our recent conversations, I felt confident enough in our friendship to divulge this “bombshell.”

When I described what I’ve experienced over the last few months – anger, frustration and humiliation –  that large part of me that I’ve often kept hidden from others grew a bit smaller. I was surprised how easy it was for me to talk about it. I was like C-3PO – you couldn’t get me to stop talking about it.

Conversing with Kate, she was attentive and asked questions so she could better comprehend what it is like to live with OCD.

It amazed me – like when Luke found out that Han wasn’t in it for the money – that she was so touched and flattered that I shared this important piece of personal information with her.

I don’t have to worry about her thinking of me any different. Instead, I gained her admiration because I had the courage to admit there is this “demon” inside of me that I can control.

Now I can add a new weapon – talking about it openly and freely to people I trust – to my arsenal of weapons to keep my OCD at bay (not Docking Bay 93).

As Ben told Luke when introducing him to the force, “You’ve taken your first step into a larger world.”

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The Wellbutrin Experiment: Day 8

As I mentioned earlier, I’m taking Wellbutrin to combat a tougher-than-usual bout of winter depression. Here’s where I stand eight days in.

Mood music:

I think I’m starting to feel it, though it’s hard to know for sure this soon. The nurse told me it could take several weeks before I’d feel the full effect, since Wellbutrin slowly accumulates. I have noticed a few things, though:

–I’m a little more focused than I’ve been in several weeks.

–I’m not feeling like I’m in a fog as much as I had been.

–I haven’t been feeling down like I was a week ago.

Whether it’s the Wellbutrin kicking in or not, I’m just glad to be feeling better.

Note: Four hours after writing the part you just read, I came down with vicious mood swings. As I write this, my skin doesn’t fit right, I’m itchy all over (yes, I showered today) and I’m agitated as hell. The good news is that I have gone through the same exact thing whenever my Prozac dose has been adjusted. It lasts a few hours, and then everything evens out. It’s usually the point I reach when the medication is about to kick in.

For those wondering what this experiment is all about, let’s review:

I started taking Wellbutrin because it’s supposed to shore up depleted brain chemistry that the Prozac isn’t designed to fix.

The Prozac increases the amount of serotonin, a natural substance in the brain that helps maintain mental balance. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter, a substance that helps transmit messages from one nerve cell to another. In other words, it keeps traffic in the brain moving normally.

It has served me well, but this winter the blue moods have been tougher to shake. Enter the Wellbutrin, a drug used to treat major depression and seasonal affective disorder. It’s also used to help people quit smoking because it squashes cravings.

While the Prozac raises Serotonin levels, Wellbutrin shores up another neurotransmitter called Dopamine.

If this all sounds confusing, think of the brain as a car engine. To run properly, the engine needs the right amount of fluids, including brake fluid, transmission fluid and oil. Run low on any one of these and you got problems.

It’s amusing for me considering my efforts to kick some addictions in recent years. Despite my sobriety and abstinence, here I am, finding that there’s better living through chemistry after all.

Cheers.

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Fear Plus Stupidity Gave Us The Patriot Act

My friend Mike Spinney made an interesting statement on Twitter: “If only we’d been as outspoken against the #PatriotAct as we are against #SOPA.”

Mood music:

I feel the same way, but the cause and effect is less of a mystery to me:

The Patriot Act passed at the height of our hysteria over 9-11. At the time, a lot of us thought we were seeing terrorists holding vials of smallpox and suitcase nukes at every street corner. We were so freaked out over the next potential attack that we gave government the keys to do anything it wanted if they would just keep us safe.

We get stupid when fear drives us. I can testify to that because back then I was one of the fear-laden souls who wanted the government to do whatever it took to prevent more attacks.

Fear made me refuse to get on a plane to Arizona to attend a cousin’s wedding a couple weeks after 9-11. When I finally had to get on a plane to Chicago for work in 2004, I was terrified.

Under the spell of fear, anxiety and depression, I was afraid of my own shadow. I chose staying indoors over living. I had a mental illness that was undiagnosed and out of control. But you didn’t have to have a mental illness to be in a stupor during that period of American history.

I eventually found treatment and lost the fear and anxiety. Since then I’ve been in overdrive doing the things I was too scared to do back then.

Of course, one person overcoming his demons isn’t the same as a nation undoing a bad law passed in a moment of national fear. Also, once you give any government emergency powers, it doesn’t like to give it back.

For me, given my own history, that’s probably one of the reasons I’m speaking out so loudly against SOPA and PIPA. I’m not willing to cower in the corner while Congress gives the government even more power to violate our freedom. Not again.

In fact, if we allow the current bills to become law as written, it will be worse than the circumstances that gave birth to the Patriot Act.

Back then, such a law was possible because people were in fear and wanted security.

If SOPA-PIPA passes, it will have been made possible because corporate money was more of an influence than common sense.

You tell me which motivation is worse.

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