The OCD Diaries

February 13, 2013

What Do You Mean I Don’t Believe in God? I Talk To Him Everyday…

Here we are at the start of Lent, and I’m still at a loss as to what I should be sacrificing for the next 40 days. Alcohol? Food items? I’ve already permanently sacrificed those things.

Mood music:

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Lent is a time to sacrifice habits you love, gain a true appreciation for the sacrifices Jesus made [which were well beyond anything mortal man can comprehend) and draw closer to God. [More on my Faith in Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely, Rat in the Church Pew and Better Angels of My Nature]

Yet here I am, stuck at the starting line with no sacrificial pain to run toward.

Two years ago I gave up cigars for Lent. I got around it by smoking cigarettes, which set me up for more trouble later. Now I don’t smoke cigars or cigarettes, so scratch that from the list of options.

Coffee would be a major sacrifice, but nobody would be able to come within 10 feet of me without having to worry about me chewing them up and spitting them out. I could put my e-cig aside, but then I’d probably pick up a real smoke again. I don’t say that to sound defeatist. I just know what my weaknesses are and if the e-cig is a crutch that keeps me from the real thing, that’s how it has to be.

I’m starting to think I’m barking up the wrong tree when considering my Lenten sacrifice. Maybe it shouldn’t be about giving up a treat or a crutch. Maybe I should just take this a day at a time and just focus on being a better man.

I could always be more tolerant of other peoples’ quirks. I could always be taking better care of myself by getting the right mix of sleep and nutrition. Surely that would make me more pleasant to be around. It’s Ash Wednesday, and I figure I still have a few hours to figure out a game plan.

This much I know: I was lost before I found my Faith, and it has become everything to me. But I still sin. All the time. Not because I want to, but because I can’t help myself.

Hopefully, I’m better than I used to be.

Before my conversion — and for some time after it — the haze of OCD and the related addictions exhausted the mind and body and incapacitated me for days and weeks at a time. I was useless to my wife and children. I let friendships suffer because getting the binge and then collapsing under the weight of it was more appealing than being a good friend.

I became a nightmare for co-workers, especially during The Eagle-Tribune days, hovering over page editors and treating reporters more like a disease than the wonderful, talented and hard-working souls they were.

I lied to a lot of people about a lot of things and had the audacity to think I was above others, no matter how screwed up I was.

I’ve asked for and gotten a lot of forgiveness along the way, but for those of you out there who suffered in my wake over the years, I’ll say here that I’m sorry and ask you too for forgiveness.

Above all, though, I say a heartfelt sorry to The Man Upstairs.

I need to try a lot harder to get the sin out of my life. But I know I’ve probably got a lot of pissing left to do.

Sober and abstinent or not, we addicts have a natural-born tendency to let things get between us and our Higher Power.

Redemption is a lifelong journey.

I hope I get it right in the end.

February 12, 2013

A Few Thoughts About Pope Benedict XVI

I’ve had 24 hours to absorb the news that Pope Benedict XVI is stepping down at the end of the month. I think he’s doing the right thing and showing some true fortitude. But I’m also glad because there’s an opportunity for the Catholic Church to right some wrongs.

Mood music:

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The Church has stubbornly held on to backward beliefs about the role of women, the status of a person’s Catholicism after a divorce, and its attitude toward gays. It has the evil legacy of sexually abusive priests and the cover-ups involved still hanging over it. Perhaps as a result, few men are joining the priesthood these days.

The current thinking in the Church is that these matters aren’t open for debate because the Bible lays out how things should be. I agree with some of that. I think the parts about loving your neighbor, feeding the hungry and receiving the Sacraments are timeless. But when it comes to how we treat people who are different and how we treat women, the old ways of thinking need to give way.

I’m hoping a new pope can steer us in the right direction. Meantime, I’m going to just keep trying to be the best Christian I can.

Pope Benedict XVI

February 11, 2013

The Information Technology Burnout Project

The Information Technology Burnout Project, created by friends in the security community, addresses something most of us experience at one point or another: work-induced depression.

Mood music:

The website is only part of the project. Project members have also held panel discussions about job stress and burnout at various security conferences across the United States. During those discussions, people have been open about the depression, despair and hopelessness they’ve traveled through in the face of mounting job stress. We know that stress has led to suicide in the IT world. Aaron Swartz is just one of the latest examples.

When I started this blog, I worried about how I’d be perceived in the infosec community. By that point my need to rip the skeletons out of my closet overrode such concern, but I held my breath and sweated it for a few days. I didn’t expect the eventual response, though I probably should have.

My work community started opening up about their own struggles with depression, anxiety and the resulting addictions. These were and still are people that are tough as steel, which was actually comforting. If people like that could let cracks in their armor show, perhaps I wasn’t so crazy after all.

The work of breaking the stigmas around mental illness took on a more intense urgency for me, and here we are, more than three years later.

I’ve had my bouts of job burnout and all the depression and anxiety that goes with it, though most of it was before I started focusing on infosec. As an editor at a daily paper, I struggled to keep newsroom politics from getting to me. I tried to stay above all the backstabbing, criticism from upper management and side effects that came from working late-night hours. I failed, at least for a while, and conducted myself in ways I’m ashamed of to this day.

When I finally got out of the mainstream news business and landed in a much more supportive office environment, I remained on edge. On the surface I appeared calm, and the bosses were happy with the work I was doing. But inside I was dying, one traumatized molecule at a time.

I eventually found my way out of it. But when someone in my work circle is going through something similar, I can spot it from a mile away.

Fortunately, I’m not the only one who can.

I’m proud of the friends who started the Information Technology Burnout Project. They are breaking the stigma and, through the website, offer coping tools and inspirational stories that can and will make a difference.

One such friend noted last week that the project has lost some momentum since last year’s RSA Conference, mainly because everyone is increasingly busy with work projects. He’s hoping to rekindle the earlier momentum and asked for help.

Count me in, starting with this post.

Burnt match

February 8, 2013

Naming Winter Storms: Good Intentions, Bad Idea

Here we are, waiting for another “potentially historic” storm to strike the Boston area. Two feet of snow is expected, along with high winds and five-foot snow drifts. Fair enough. It’s winter and we haven’t had a significant snowfall yet. But I’m baffled by the logic behind naming these storms.

Mood music:

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The weather forecasters have named this storm Nemo, presumably in honor of the clownfish from Finding Nemo, a movie that has nothing to do with blizzards. Apparently the weather experts decided after Superstorm Sandy that every single storm should have a name. One storm following Sandy was called Athena.

The good folks at The Weather Channel came up with the idea, explaining on their website:

During the upcoming 2012-13 winter season The Weather Channel will name noteworthy winter storms. Our goal is to better communicate the threat and the timing of the significant impacts that accompany these events. The fact is, a storm with a name is easier to follow, which will mean fewer surprises and more preparation.

I can respect the logic behind this. But there are unintended consequences: One person’s mental preparedness is another person’s nervous breakdown.

For those who suffer from fear and anxiety, named winter storms bring up the worst weather images of the past. A name makes one think of hurricanes and the destruction they cause. In the mind of the fearful, naming a storm is tantamount to declaring doomsday. This is especially true for children.

Also see: “For Parents With Kids Freaked About Winter Storms” and “Fear, Anxiety and Storms: From the Blizzard of ’78 to Sandy“

Take it from someone who once suffered from crippling fear and anxiety: Living through this stuff is hell. If someone has lived through Hurricane Katrina or Superstorm Sandy, such promotion brings back the bad memories and nightmares.

Given all our advances in long-term weather forecasting and the heightened mindset of preparedness we’ve had in recent years, naming storms strikes me as overkill.

Hopefully, I’m wrong and the overkill won’t hurt anyone.

Finding Nemo over winter storm map

February 7, 2013

The Boy Scouts of America Acted Cowardly

Yesterday I opined that the Boy Scouts of America should allow gays into the organization. I suggested that the organization was being cowardly by leaving it up to individual chapters to do the right thing, but a friend disagreed.

Mood music:

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Wrote my friend:

At a local level, the scouts are heavily supported by churches and religious groups. An all-out and immediate change would result in a mass exodus of sponsoring organizations, which would lead many troops packs to shut down. By taking this approach, the scouts are looking at evolution vs. revolution, which is probably the best we can expect from a 100-year old organization and which would allow new sponsoring groups to step up and take the places of any group that does not want to continue its association with the Scouts. While not a perfect solution, I think it’s actually the most workable in the short term.

Shortly after he sent that message, the Boy Scouts of America’s executive board voted to put off its decision, sending out this curious statement:

After careful consideration and extensive dialogue within the Scouting family, along with comments from those outside the organization, the volunteer officers of the Boy Scouts of America’s National Executive Board concluded that due to the complexity of this issue, the organization needs time for a more deliberate review of its membership policy. To that end, the executive board directed its committees to further engage representatives of Scouting’s membership and listen to their perspectives and concerns. This will assist the officers’ work on a resolution on membership standards. The approximately 1,400 voting members of the national council will take action on the resolution at the national meeting in May 2013.

It’s curious because Boy Scouts has already spent years kicking this issue around. My friend responded to the announcement with this follow-up email to me: “Now I agree with your cowardly comment.”

This isn’t rocket science. It’s about recognizing that people come in all stripes, and that we all deserve the opportunity to make a positive difference. The Scouts is a fabulous resource for helping people reach their full potential so they can contribute something positive to society. Keeping certain people out because they’re gay, something that’s more a matter of mental and physical development than personal choice, is wrong.

The Boy Scouts are assuming, just as the military did, that a person’s sexual orientation will prevent them from focusing on their duties. That’s horse shit.

The national organization had a golden opportunity to set an important example and allow in people who could really contribute to society with Scout training. It hasn’t wasted the opportunity yet, but yesterday’s delay was embarrassing and shameful.

Boy Scout Discrimination Comic

February 6, 2013

Let Gays Join the Boy Scouts

As the father of two Boy Scouts, I’ve been following this one with great interest: A movement is afoot to pressure the Boy Scouts of America into abandoning its anti-gay policy. I say it’s time to drop this stupid ban.

Mood music:

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In this discussion I see a lot of the same comments:

Having gays sharing tents with straight kids would have a damaging effect on both parties.
Gay kids lack the moral fiber to be good Scouts.
Gays would erode moral.

We’ve seen these same arguments made in recent decades over gays in the military. In 2013, gays are serving in the military, and doing so with distinction. The bunking arrangements have been worked out, and ours remains one of the finest fighting forces on Earth. The things that worked for the military could be applied to the Scouts.

For me, though, the reason to let gays in is much bigger than those issues.

Being Scouts has made a huge difference for my sons. They’re learning survival skills that will carry them through life; skills that would have served me well in my younger years had I not been so stubbornly opposed to joining. They’re learning how to be law-abiding citizens who contribute to society.

As Scouts, Duncan and Sean have gotten to see the inner workings of their local police and fire departments and had a taste of of our region’s special place in history with trips to the Charlestown Naval Yard and Battleship Cove, where they spent a night camping in the bunks aboard the USS Massachusetts.

These experiences should be open to all kids, gay or straight.

My opinion is also influenced by the fact that I have several family members who are gay. They work their asses off, pay their taxes and work jobs that have benefited the greater good. They have been there for family. Their only crime, according to some seriously outdated thinking, is that their hormones and sexual orientation developed differently than those of the rest of us. Some people still foolishly believe that a person wakes up one morning and decides this is going to be their lifestyle choice. They’re forced to conceal their true nature to fit in with society, and the results are often damaging. People I love have been driven to severe depression, substance abuse and worse because they weren’t allowed to be true to themselves.

My attitude: An organization like the Boy Scouts is there to help people build moral and mental character. That opportunity should be open to everyone.

If such an organization can help us become better citizens, why on Earth would be want to exclude anyone?

I say all this as a Catholic who prays to God every day and who didn’t have to be gay to fall into a life of sin. I fight my demons daily and get my strength from my faith. Some think that’s strange. But then some think being gay is strange. I know many of my faith won’t share my position here. Some may even unfriend me on Facebook over it. So be it.

Homosexuals are not going anywhere. They’ve been part of humanity since the dawn of time. It’s time we started giving them a fair shake.

I hear the Scouts have considered leaving the question of gay membership up to local councils and the institutions that host packs and troops. That’s as unworkable as “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” was in the military. It’s also cowardly.

We’re more than a decade into the 21st Century. Let’s start acting like it.

Drop the ban nation-wide.

boy scouts

February 5, 2013

Chris Christie’s Obesity Isn’t the Issue

This morning I caught MSNBC’s Morning Joe, which was looking at N.J. governor Chris Christie’s obesity and whether it makes him unqualified to be president someday.

Mood music:

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I’ve struggled with obesity in the past. Some of the struggle was the result of being on Prednisone, which stretched my appetite to horrific levels. I would work out to try to control the weight gain, but it wouldn’t last long. I have friends who are far more disciplined with their workout regimens than I could ever be. They tend to hold the belief that there are few legitimate excuses for being fat, that most of the typically given reasons are the talk of lazy people who need to grow a set of balls.

Most of my struggle, though, was because I was a binge eater who lusted after junk food as an alcoholic does vodka and whiskey. Eventually I had to quit flour and sugar to deal with the problem.

My personal experience makes me prickly toward those who criticize someone’s weight problem. I don’t see the subject as black and white. In my own case, there have been periods where my weight ballooned because I was simply stuffing myself with junk all the time. But there have been other times when the complications of Crohn’s Disease, a bad back and other maladies forced me to derail my fitness program.

Let’s look at the governor for a moment: That he’s obese is not debatable. Pictures of him standing next to a fit President Obama in the aftermath of Superstorm Sandy are almost freakish looking, though when you put a fat person next to a thin one, the watcher’s perception is knocked off balance. Do I think he’d live longer if he lost weight? Sure.

But I don’t believe for a second that people should judge a candidate on his or her girth.

Being overweight comes with health risks, but so does being underweight. The diseased and incapacitated come in all shapes and sizes, as do the more sturdy among us. The dumbest and smartest among us are fat, thin and in-between.

We’ve had presidents who were obese. William Howard Taft and Grover Cleveland come to mind. History has handed both men a mixed assessment. We’ve had physically fit presidents with mixed records, too. George W. Bush was and still is a fitness fanatic. JFK looked glamorous and healthy, but he was sick most of his life and landed on death’s doorstep more than once before he was president. Addison’s disease gave his skin an odd, bronze color that he managed to pass off as a healthy tan. Then there was Teddy Roosevelt, who was both an athlete and advocate of “the strenuous life” but was also a glutton with some serious girth. Despite his health problems, including the weight and serious childhood asthma, he managed to do pretty much everything and carved a lasting legacy.

The point is that a person’s physical appearance and imperfect health should not disqualify them from anything, including public service.

I admire and am inspired by friends who have lost weight after embracing intense workout regimens. They also happen to have razor-sharp minds. But I don’t know if I’d vote for them if they ran for the White House.

I’ve accomplished much during periods of obesity and have failed during times of top physical form, when I would walk four miles a day no matter how dangerous the weather was at the time. I’ve also had successes as a thinner guy and failures as a fat guy.

We tend to oversimplify things when the talk turns to weight. We do so at our peril.

Christie

February 4, 2013

To My New Nephew

The family has been blessed with a new addition: Hunter Wild Anderson, born Saturday to my step-brother Brian and sister-in-law Sharane.

Mood music:

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Hi, Hunter.

I’m you’re Uncle Bill, the one who’s going to show affection by teasing you a lot. I’ll do my best not to go too far. I listen to really loud, offensive music. I can’t wait to expose you to that.

Your cousins have been eagerly awaiting your arrival. Sean and Duncan, Lilly and Chase are going to love having you around. It won’t be long before you join them, racing around your grandparents’ condo, making forts out of the couch pillows and getting food on the floor.

You’re blessed with easygoing parents. Your mom knows how to laugh and make others laugh. Your dad has been through more than his fair share of adversity but has managed to stay positive and keep his humor. Together, your parents are a lot of fun. They’ll surely pass those traits on to you, and thank God for that.

Life is hard, and humor is one of the most important survival tools you can have. Your dad is also a professional chef. This makes you incredibly lucky, because high-end cooks are hard to come by in this family. You’ll figure that out the first time I cook something for you.

You have grandparents who will dote on you and love you unconditionally. You also have some fabulous aunts, uncles and cousins. Aunt Shira is one of the most serene and talented people I know. She’ll teach you how to dance and, when you’re being difficult as we all can be, she’ll respond with endless patience. Aunt Stacey, Uncle Sean and Lilly and Chase are very loving, generous souls, and that’s going to rub off on you, too. Aunt Wendi will give you a special appreciation for music and, along with Aunt Dee, will pass on a love of animals. Their house has enough dogs and cats to fill Noah’s Arc. You’ll enjoy that.

Life won’t be easy. You’ll go through plenty of ups and downs. But let me share a little secret with you: The key to getting through the down periods with your overall happiness intact is to simply recognize that life is supposed to be hard. It’s what helps us grow. And there’s no such thing as never having a care in the world. Some folks still reach for that state of mind, and they’re almost always crushed when reality fails to meet their expectations.

If you want, I can help you navigate through that stuff. I’ve developed some coping skills along the way. You’re going to screw up. Don’t worry about it. We all do. Screwing up makes us stronger when we’re willing to learn from our mistakes.

One more thing, my young friend: If you ever want to do something big in life and those around you tell you it can’t be done, ignore them. You can accomplish anything if you put your mind to it. That’s a cliché of a statement, but it’s the truth.

As I write this you’re only a couple days old. Sean, Duncan, Aunt Erin and I can’t wait to meet you.

You’re going to be great, kid. Welcome home.

—Uncle Bill
Hunter Wild Anderson

February 1, 2013

My Current State of Mind

Please indulge me as I share my current state of mind with you. Oh, yes, I have all kinds of things floating around in this brain of mine this morning.

Mood music:

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I’ve often been asked if the anti-depressants I take have any unpleasant side effects. Not really, but I’ve discovered the hard way that if you don’t chase the pills down with enough liquid and they get stuck in your throat, the result is the worst heartburn you’ll ever experience.
Today’s my mother’s birthday, and while we haven’t talked in a long time, I’d like to wish her a happy birthday. Happy birthday, Ma.
I loved winter and cold weather as a kid. As I get older, I appreciate the freezing temperatures less and less. March 21 can’t come fast enough, though around here, the cold will last well beyond that. As it stands, I’m having quite a fist-fight with Winter Bill, and I’m getting sore and bloody. All the same, I expect to finish winter still standing.
I’m getting increasingly addicted to playing guitar, and I’m not the least bit sorry for it. Truth be told, there are days when guitar practice is the only think keeping me sane. Last night I learned the fine art of hammer ons and pull offs and the intro to Van Halen’s “Ain’t Talkin’ ‘Bout Love.” My head is still spinning. But it beats the hell out of drinking, binge eating and OCD overdrive.

Overall, I’d say I’m doing fine this Friday. Off to face the busy day.

Big Cup of Coffee