The OCD Diaries

March 15, 2016

When Listening Is Better Than Giving Advice

Sometimes when I’m going through a rough patch or just having a ridiculously annoying day, I need to vent. To do so productively and thus feel better, I need a good listener around.

Unfortunately, people these days don’t want to listen. They have a big megaphone that is the Internet, and they can’t bear not to use it. So they take to social media and give advice.

Mood music:

In saying that, I realize two things:

To expect people to be good listeners for you, it’s important that you be a good listener in return. I often fall short there.
Once in a while, whether I like it or not, I need advice to work through problems, especially when I’m being an asshole.

Even to give good advice, though, you still have to be a good listener.

Some of my friends are going through a rough time and detail their pain on Facebook and Twitter. They’ve noted that they just want someone to listen to them and that they have no interest in advice. Sometimes they need the advice and should suck it up. But more often than not, the advice-giving friends are not being helpful. In some cases they make things worse.

I get a lot of advice that is painfully obvious. I’d relax more if I meditated and prayed (I already do both). I’d have more energy if I exercised more (duh). I’d fight less with family if I simply realized that family is all that matters. (When people shell out that gem, I can’t help but wonder what planet they’re from, since all families argue.)

There are usually reasons people don’t do the obviously beneficial stuff friends and family advocate when giving advice. Sometimes a person’s stress level is so bad that there’s no strength left for a workout or meditation. And if we’re talking about addicts, there’s the fact that addicts have a compulsion to do what’s bad for them even though they’re well aware of the potential consequences. But being listened to allows the sufferer to get things off their chest, helping them to fight another day.

It’s worth remembering that next time someone wants to cry on your shoulder.

March 7, 2016

When Sarcasm Is Mistaken as a Cry for Help

A couple weeks back I caused a bit of a stir on Facebook with this comment:

Many times this past year, I’ve questioned how the hell it is that I’m still sober, given all the dramatic challenges I’ve faced. Today is one of those days.

I got a ton of comments from people offering advice, sympathy and everything in between. I was partly grateful because it showed a lot of people give a shit about me. But the thing is, I wasn’t really in need of it.

Therein lies one of the tricky parts of being on Facebook: Sometimes you make a comment that doesn’t warrant much analysis, but people take it as something different entirely.

Mood music:

That day, it seemed like everyone I talked to was suffering from various levels of butthurt. So I made that comment.

It was partly in jest, kind of like the dude in Airplane who picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue. But part of it was also amazement that some of the past year’s pressures hasn’t driven me back to the bottle. It was something for me to be proud of, not bucked up for.

The pressure I speak of is unfinished family business that landed on me since my father’s death last year.

I’ve mostly gotten control of it all, and thankfully none of it has affected my workmanship in my real job. At this point, there’s no chance of that happening. I’ve been through the worst of it and have that part of my life in its proper box. The me of 12 years ago would have broken, and I see the past year as a measure of how far I’ve come.

But there are still days where I would like to swing a sturdy bat around in frustration. That doesn’t mean I’m ready to fall off the wagon. It just means I’m like all of you:

I have happy fun days and I have irritating days.

Thanks to everyone for the concern. But don’t worry about me.

“Bugs Bunny Nervous Break Down” by spongefox on DeviantArt

February 18, 2016

What Shutting People Down Says About You

I’m someone who believes in full, frank communication. It’s essential for plans running smoothly and people not misunderstanding each other. There’s a certain personality type that gets in the way of that every time. And it makes my blood boil.

Mood music:

It’s the person who shuts you down when you broach a subject they don’t want to talk about. They put up their hand and start rattling off a litany of reasons they’re brushing you off. It makes the other person feel disrespected and otherwise shitty. The person who does the brushing off usually talks a lot and wants you to listen to every word they say.

Which makes it all the more infuriating when they brush you off.

I have a few people like this in my life. I want to open up about something and reach some deep understandings. Instead they tell me they have nothing to do with whatever it is I’m bringing up.

Usually, they have a lot to do with what I’m bringing up.

In the more understandable moments, they’ll say they can’t talk about something because it’s too stressful a topic — as if not discussing it will make the problem go away.

Here’s what brushing people off all the time says about you:

It’s your way or the highway. You have strong ideas on how things ought to be. You make those views known all the time. But when someone wants to talk about it in more detail — whether they agree with you or not — you shut that person down. You’re simply not going to talk about it. Then you try to change the conversation to something pleasant and pretend that person’s concerns don’t exist.
You’re afraid of being proven wrong. If you talk a lot about how things should be and then shut down someone who questions you, it’s more than likely that you know your position has cracks. You simply can’t handle the possibility that the other person might prove you wrong or suggest something that is legitimately a better way. You most likely fall into this category if you are the elder in the room or you outrank the other person in position.
You lack the ability to tackle difficult problems. If you live in fear of being proven wrong, chances are you’re not good at solving problems and reaching common ground with people. You may see yourself as powerful, but it shows you are weak.
You have unresolved issues. You shut people down because they are touching a nerve, bringing up something so painful that you can’t bear it. I’m more sympathetic to this category of people. But they are still being unkind.

Remember, folks: We’re all stuck with each other on this planet. We need to be kind to each other. A critical component of kindness is the ability to listen to someone, however unpleasant it may be.

If you do all the talking and none of the listening, then chances are you’re the type of person nobody wants to go near — the person people ridicule.

Who wants to be that person?

Dream of Sacrifice by EddieTheYeti — “Dream of Sacrifice” by EddieTheYeti

November 16, 2015

Nothing Brings Out the Self-Righteous Like a Terrorist Attack

Whenever we see terrible things like the ISIS attacks in Paris, something happens on Facebook: Many people become experts on religion and politics, and still more people get anal when people don’t observe a tragedy exactly as they would. Terror attacks bring out the best in some people. In others, it brings out self-righteous tomfoolery.

Mood music:

https://youtu.be/IN9REo4Le6g

Whatever your political and religious beliefs, the attacks prove that your agenda is the correct one. One guy posted so many memes about Obama being a secret agent for ISIS and the so-called Muslim brotherhood that I almost believed it after a while.

If you had the French flag superimposed over your profile picture, you were a racist for ignoring the attacks that happened a day before in Lebanon. You were an anti-Semite because you didn’t include Israel, which is attacked every day.

If you tried to make the point that terrorists don’t represent the whole of Islam, you got shouted down by the right wing for not accepting that Islam is in itself an evil, savage religion.

If you dared to point out that there is in fact evil in the world and that the bad guys must be destroyed, you got shouted down by the left wing for being intolerant and politically incorrect.

Where do my views fit into all this? As usual, somewhere in the middle.

I don’t believe Islam is in itself an evil religion. I know a lot of people who follow that faith and they are decent people who work hard and want what’s best for their communities. But I don’t think we can ignore the fact that far too many bad guys are twisting Islam to their evil purposes. People of Islam need to be a lot more vocal about it than they have been.

I’m not a gun-toting NRA supporter and I don’t buy into the rhetoric about liberals taking the good guys’ guns away. But I don’t think gun-control laws have helped all that much, since bad people continue to get around those laws.

I believe there is evil in the world, and there always has been. When bad guys plot to kill innocents, the good guys need to kill them first.

I believe that the best thing we can do to make a positive difference in the world is be good to other people. I believe that being good to people requires a whole lot more than putting slogans and statements on Facebook. It requires spending one’s time to do things for others, whether it’s helping them deal with a work-related challenge or a crisis in confidence and faith or helping them get food and other things a lot of us take for granted.

I believe that self-righteous people are generally assholes who have nothing better to do with their time than to put down others who disagree with them. If I ever get like that, I hope someone slaps me down hard.

I also think the vast majority of people are good. When danger strikes, we’ve seen many acts of compassion time and again.

That’s why I still have hope, even when the self-righteous pollute the Internet.

Candelight vigil for Paris

November 11, 2015November 11, 2015

Starbucks, Christmas and Misguided People

This is from the “people need to get a life” file. It will be my only statement on this uproar over Starbucks’ red coffee cups.

My faith is well documented in this blog. I go to church just about every Sunday, and my family is heavily involved in parish activities. To me, the “War on Christmas” rhetoric has always been a stupid distraction — just another thing for people to get whiny and self-righteous about. This coffee cup controversy is simply more of the same.

Starbucks has never put anything religious on its cups; its holiday cup designs mostly focus on winter themes and Santa Claus. Nor should it venture into religious territory: Starbucks customers are of all creeds and colors. There’s no Star of David or Buddha designs on the drinkware, either, but you don’t hear about that from Christian extremists. All they care about is that their personal brand of faith be present in the marketing.

Exhibit A is this guy. He claims to be a big evangelical personality online, though I’ve never heard of him before this. He’s very proud of himself because he went into a Starbucks and told them his name was Merry Christmas so they’d write it on his cup. He even brags that he brought his gun into the store, because nothing drives home the Christian message of “Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward Men” like a firearm.

Even Donald Trump is getting in on the action, telling supporters to boycott Starbucks over this. Because, you know, Trump has always worn his faith on his sleeve.

https://youtu.be/E54DAlBqiFM

“If I become president, we’re all going to be saying Merry Christmas again. That I can tell you,” Trump declared. He must have discovered some way to control our minds and make us say certain things.

Fortunately, most people in my network are seeing this for what it is: a non-issue.

It’s telling that while I’ve seen a bunch of headlines about Christians freaking out about this, I haven’t seen s single Facebook post with Christians actually raging about Starbucks cups.

And therein lies the problem with social media: One or two lunkheads make a fuss about something, and the good people of Facebook and Twitter translate it into a fuss by whole movements and organizations.

The human race is a puzzling one.

Jesus holding a Starbucks cup

November 9, 2015May 10, 2020

How to Be Kind Without Being Pwned

Someone once told me that being kind to others is a great weapon against depression. Be good to others and you’ll feel better yourself. There’s truth to that. I’ve also discovered that kindness must be delivered in blunt and unpleasant forms on occasion.

Mood music:

My idea of kindness was always to be nice to people and do things to help them feel better. A lot of the time that was good enough. But there are always those who take advantage of it. They keep leaning on you do do things for them. In some cases, they’ll return your kindness with meanness. At that end of the spectrum, you run the risk of being a slave to the person you’re trying to help.

In those cases, my instinct has usually been to get pissed and sever ties. But over time, I’ve learned that kindness has something in common with a lot of charitable acts: If you keep doing for people, they never learn to do for themselves. They just learn to remain dependent on others and continue to drop verbal poison.

I’ve tried to be the guy that frustrated friends, relatives and co-workers can dump on. But that doesn’t help them get beyond the stuff that makes them miserable. Better to help them learn how to deal things.

Maybe that means telling them matter-of-factly that the way they do their job isn’t working, and then suggest ideas for doing the job more effectively. Or that their method for dealing with a difficult family member isn’t working.

If I were miserable in my work and the root of the problem was my own lousy planning or lack of understanding, I’d much rather have someone tell me that so I can do something about it. Otherwise, all I learn to do is keep dumping on people.

This is something I still have to work on. Telling someone to go screw is a lot more satisfying sometimes than guiding them through the fog. But it’s a satisfaction that doesn’t last. Then you feel like shit.

I’d rather be the useful sort of kind friend than the enabling sort.

October 9, 2015October 9, 2015

Out of Facebook F**ks to Give

When I look at some of the posts I wrote just a few years ago, I realize how much my outlook on a lot of things has changed, especially when it comes to Facebook. My opinions have evolved through my experiences since writing those posts. People who read those posts should see that a writer’s views can evolve and mature — or devolve.

Mood music:

“Me and My Facebook Unfriend Finder“
This post describes how I had installed a plug-in that would tell me who unfriended me. At the time I was obsessive over why people would do that.

My view now: I stopped paying attention to my friends number some time ago, partially because I got tired of worrying about what people found offensive. These days, everyone finds something offensive, and playing the “who unfriended me?” game got boring.

I also learned on more than one occasion that being friends with someone on Facebook doesn’t make them friends in real life. I’ve been to events where people I’m connected to online didn’t say two words to me in person. If it ain’t real, it ain’t worth fretting over.

“Run Out of Town (Or Off Facebook, Twitter)“
A friend whose quick typing fingers got her into trouble was ready to quit Facebook. In this post, I suggested that she shouldn’t quit Facebook because none of us are perfect. Then I offered advice on how she could get along better.

My view now: I used to think that I could help people form healthier habits. But you can’t change people who don’t want to change. Mostly, you have to hope people learn and evolve on their own. The person I wrote about in that post still engages in bomb throwing online, and she has a loyal audience. I didn’t unfriend her. I just ignore her.

“Research It Before You Share“
People pass on all sorts of content without stopping to find out whether it’s true or not. It’s good to let people know when they’re being gullible, kind of like a public service announcement. I don’t regret writing this one. Having said that …

My view now: I’ve realized that people will never stop posting memes or statements without checking their facts first, especially when they fit their preconceived ideas. People have taken their politics on Facebook to lunacy levels, and if I’ve learned anything in life, it’s that you can’t reason with crazy.

“Don’t Let Politics Kill Friendships“
Political arguments on Facebook can damage or kill friendships. I’m sorry when my actions have caused that to happened with my friends.

My view now: I still believe I should be respectful in an argument. But if a friendship can’t survive political arguments, it wasn’t a very strong friendship to begin with. That’s especially true if the argument is with someone you only communicate with on Facebook. In this case, the friend in question was a friend long before Facebook came along. And we get along just fine today.

“A Message from the ‘Obsessive Poster’“
Someone called me an obsessive poster, and I took the opportunity to defend myself.

My view now: The guy was right. I was posting far too much. I don’t post nearly as much now. Back then, there was an OCD component to my posts. I was obsessive about getting my words to the masses. I was also inexperienced in the art of self-promotion and distribution. I’ve learned along the way that less is more.

September 14, 2015September 14, 2015

My Anti-Drama Code of Conduct

Man, there are a lot of hurt feelings out there lately. In my industry, they call it security drama. But it goes way beyond that. Post your political and religious beliefs and someone is quick to tear you apart.

I’m not going to summarize the latest examples. A lot of Facebook and Twitter streams are already clogged with all that snot. Instead, I’m going to tell you the behavioral code I try to live by when blogging and using social media.

Mood music:

When I blog, I opine forcefully. I make no apologies and I don’t back down. After 20-plus years in journalism — 11 of it focused on information security — I know that if I make a forceful argument, as many people will disagree with me as those who agree. This is especially true if the topic is religion or politics. I also know that I’m going to get it wrong once in awhile, since opinions usually come about as a story is unfolding, before all the facts are in place. I also know that I’m going to offend people once in a while without meaning to.

With all this in mind:

I go out of my way not to insult people with name calling. This wasn’t always the case, but over time I realized nothing good comes of it.
When people take issue with something I write, I don’t respond. I used to but decided that doing so isn’t much different from whining. And since I’ve already made my case in a post, I see no reason to repeat myself. If someone is critical of what I say, I let the comment stand. Everyone is entitled to their point of view. And if someone is an asshole, that’s all the more reason not to respond. Engaging assholes is pointless, because their agenda isn’t to have a constructive discussion in the first place.
When I realize I was wrong about something, I promptly admit it.
If I post something that triggers traumatic memories for someone, I’ll take the post off of Facebook. Some folks will complain that we’ve become too politically correct and that we can’t worry about the few who complain. But that’s not the point. My agenda is to share an experience or belief — never to do someone harm. Some folks will claim they’ve been triggered over something and will never look at my writing for what it is. When that’s the case, I tell them to unfriend me. If we’re not connected, you won’t see my posts. Problem solved.
If I wade into what people see as drama in my industry, it’s because I think I can bring some people to the middle ground. Increasingly, though, I stay away from that. When passions reach critical mass, injecting reason becomes impossible.
Even when writing about unhappy experiences, I try to point out the positives. My father’s final weeks were painful, but I got to spend a lot of time with him and make sure nothing was left unsaid. Sad periods have their beauty, too.

If you think these examples are helpful to you, I’m glad. If not, that’s fine, too. I’m telling you what I do, not what I think you should do.

May 19, 2015May 19, 2015

Irish Alzheimer’s Disease

Alzheimer’s Disease is a terrible thing. I’ve known some precious souls trapped within that mental prison over the years, and it’s one of the saddest things to behold. But there’s another mental prison we all find ourselves in from time to time. The late Fr. Dennis Nason, former pastor of my church, described it as Irish Alzheimer’s.

Simply put, you forget everything but the grudges.

I’d like to tell you I don’t suffer from it, but I’d be lying. The difference between me today and me of yesterday is that I used to adore my grudges. I was faithful to them and reveled in them. Now when I catch myself in the middle of a grudge feeding frenzy, I’m ashamed.

Grudges used to be cool to me. Zeroing in on someone else’s faults made me feel so much better about myself. In all the darker episodes of my life I’ve looked for others to blame.

It doesn’t work so well for me anymore.

The ability to hold grudges is related to an inability to stop judging other people. We have an irresistible urge to compare ourselves to other people. If we feel like shit because of what our lives have become, we want assurances that what we have is at least better than what the next guy has. If we come from a family of drama queens, we want assurance that some other family is ten times as bad. In that toxic mix, we hold on to hard feelings.

When the bad feelings harden into stone, you have a grudge.

I used to hold grudges against various family members for what I considered to be their wrongs against me, forgetting that I had been as bad to them at times. I forget about all the shitty things I’ve done when I focus in on my problem with other people. A good grudge helps you forget the pain of your own failures. It’s an escape from personal responsibility.

Create enough of those stones and the weight becomes too much to carry. That’s where I’ve found myself in recent years. So I’ve set about throwing the stones away. The problem is that, sometimes, it feels so good to clutch ’em and throw ’em at others’ glass houses.

I once wrote about being a control freak. That condition is ideal for nurturing grudges. Whenever I tried but failed to control things, there was always someone to blame: Family members. Work colleagues. Whoever was close by. Whenever I tried to make sense of a friend’s or family member’s untimely death, I zeroed in on people I could blame.

But the buzz of a good grudge never lasts for long, and when it dissipates I feel like I’m in more pain than I was in before.

I’m no different than a lot of other people in this regard. But I look for a cure every day. I’m going to keep looking until I find it. When I do, I’ll share the cure with you.

Cartoon: Jury of 12 cats with a 'guilty' sign

December 10, 2014July 28, 2015

Remorse? I Have It

Recently, I started exploring the feelings that EdditTheYeti’s art raises in me. On Monday, I focused on “Prayer” and “Pierced.” Today, I’ll look at “Remorse.”

Mood music:

http://youtu.be/-hkmxKA-rK4

“Remorse”

This picture was created with ink, wine, lime juice, coffee, tea, cola, soy sauce, hot sauce, and, as Eddie writes, a thought about what has passed. The creature in the picture hangs its head low, eyes too mired in the past to see the present.

Regrets? I have them.

Some people say they have none, but I never believe them. Even when life has worked out for the best, there are still those moments in life we would happily see erased.

Some of my biggest regrets:

That I didn’t see the full depth of a best friend’s depression until it was too late.
That I’ve been an asshole at certain points in my career, especially during the newspaper days.
That I couldn’t do more to end some family estrangements — impasses in which I was far from blameless.
That I didn’t get more time to learn from my older brother.
That I’ve fallen to addiction so many times.

But here’s the thing about regrets: You can’t change what’s in the past. You can let the memories rip you apart, or you can learn from the experiences and invest it in being a better person.

The beast eventually has to raise its head, refocus its eyes and move on. Otherwise, it will wither and die.

I chose the former to the latter long ago. The thing is, despite my regrets, I really wouldn’t change a thing. Those experiences made me the man I am today. And despite the flaws that remain, I like who I am.