Stuff My Kids (And Other People’s Kids) Say: Tween Edition

by Bill Brenner on March 23, 2013

It’s been awhile since I did a “things kids say” post. It’s getting harder to write these because my children have passed the adorable stage and are now well on their way to manhood. In a lot of ways this makes them more amusing than ever. It just took me a few months to adjust to their changes — especially with Sean, who is almost 12 and starting that phase of his life where Dad is a constant source of embarrassment and outrage.

My almost 5-year-old niece comes around frequently and supplies the adorable factor, which helps from a writing perspective.

One thing that hasn’t changed: The complexities and frustrations of everyday life always seem more manageable after you’ve seen it through the eyes if children.

And so, here’s what’s coming out of their mouths these days…

Heard in the other room: 

Duncan: “Sean, put a shirt on. I don’t want to see your stomach.”

Sean: “Stomach?! Duncan, these are abs!”

A few minutes later, after catching me shirtless:

Duncan: “Dad, cover yourself. That’s disturbing.”


Sean: “Dad, turn that guitar down. This is my house too and I have rights.”

Me: “But these all go to 11”

Sean: *Stares blankly*


When I walked into the daycare center to pick up my niece, one of her friends asked, “Are you Madison’s grandpa?”


One snow day, the boys looked out the back door and declared this the best weekend ever. Then I handed them shovels and told them to clear out the driveway.


Sean: “Dad, what’s the smelliest, scariest sea creature in all the ocean?”
Me: “I give up. Tell me.”
Sean: “The Butt-Kraken.”


Sean, on hearing that George Lucas sold the Star Wars franchise to Disney, and that Disney plans more Star Wars movies: “Fine. As long as they don’t make it all princessy.”


“Tell it to the butt.” Sean, in response to one of Duncan’s complaints. 


During a trip to a high-end kitchen supplies store in the mall… Sean: “Duncan, I’ve been following you all around the store.” Duncan: “That must have taken you a long time. I’ve been touching everything.”


“It’s just a little stain, Uncle Bill. What’s the big deal?” The 4-year-old niece, after I told her she couldn’t move her mud-covered tent into our camper. 


“When you say you know the way, it usually means we’re lost!” Sean, blaming me for getting us lost inside the campground we were staying at.


“It’s not my fault. It’s glitching!” Duncan, every time he makes a losing move while playing with the Wii.


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