Stuff My Kids Say, Part 2

by Bill Brenner on October 26, 2010

Sean and Duncan continue to give me a fresh perspective on a world that can be full of trouble. Life getting you down? Feel like shutting out the world? Read this instead.

For more of the whit and wisdom of the Brenner boys, see last week’s post.

–Duncan, watching a rack of CDs fall on a girl in the bookstore (the kid was freaked out): “I hope those CDs don’t get a scratch in them.”

–Duncan: “Sean, I’m younger and smaller than you, but I’m also stronger than you.” He failed to lift the Lego draw at the heart of his boast.

–Overheard: Sean: “Pee and Poo are not swear words and are ok to use.” Duncan: “Then why can’t we say crap?” Sean: “Because it’s not appropriate.”

–Sean tells Duncan a joke that uses the words poop and fart. Duncan responds: “That’s absolutely disgusting and innapropriate. But I like it.”

–Duncan: “The people who created lightsabers are morons. This thing (a Tinker-Toy contraption he made) is much better.” Seconds later, the Tinker-Toy weapon falls apart.

–I have a ZZTop concert streaming on the laptop while I work. Sean takes a look and asks if the guitar player is “that @jack_Daniel guy.” (Jack is a heavyweight in the security industry who looks a lot like Billy Gibbons from ZZTop)

–Duncan’s calling Sean H1N1. Sean’s taking it better than Duncan did when Sean was calling him Cupcake.

–Duncan’s calling Sean H1N1. Sean’s taking it better than Duncan did when Sean was calling him Cupcake.

–Sean to Duncan: “Liar liar pants on fire.” Duncan: “That’s stupid Sean. My pants are not on fire.”

–I threaten to smack Duncan in the butt (I’d never follow through). His response: “You don’t want to. You don’t know where this butt’s been.”

–Sean’s Lament: “My workbook project calls for a mural about compassion. Much to my dismay, it makes me want to barf.”

–Duncan kicked Sean for making up a “stupid” song about him. Sean threatened to sue him, forgetting that Duncan just blew all his money on Legos.

–Duncan, in full tattle mode: “Sean threatened to punch me out if I talk during the car ride. Now go punish him.”

–Discovered the password Duncan uses for his online “Poptropica” game is “Farts of Doom.”

–Sean just proclaimed that my iced coffee looks like cow manure with ice cubes on top.

–Said Sean, matter-of-fact-like: “If you don’t want your butt to get burned, don’t live in a frying pan.”

–Sean: “One of the things I really love about Gramma and Grandpa is that they’re so disorganized.”

–Sean just kicked my ass at 3 games of checkers. Now he’s trash-talking me. My revenge will come later, and it will be spectacular.

–Duncan: “I’m always thinking about something, Dad.” With a grin, he adds, “or … should I say … someone.” The boy has a crush. Again.

–Words spotted on Sean and Duncan’s Scrabble board: “smelly” “butt” “fart” “bigbelly” “vomit” “puke” …

–Sean-Duncan playing Greek gods with costumes they made from paper /tinkertoys. They made me a tinker-toy crown that puts dents in my scalp.

–Duncan, realizing he’s going to bed earlier than Sean: “Being younger is crap.”

–According to Sean there are two worlds: Duncan’s world and the real world. According to Duncan, “Sean’s talking stupid again.”

–Wow. It only took Sean till 7:30 to bellow his daily lament of “This wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t have a brother.”

–Duncan-ism of the day: “Saying ‘please’ before ‘shut up’ just sounds weird.”

–The kids are very proud that they got their granddad to spent 12 bucks on refreshments at the movie theater. They asked me to tell y’all.

–Sean and Duncan saw “Marmaduke” with their granddad. Duncan loved it. Sean’s verdict: “I’m more of a PG kinda guy.”

–Sean-ism of the day: “Thank God for Dunkin Donuts. There’s always one along the road when you really need to use the bathroom.”

–Duncan, on why he was peeing in the dark: “I kept the light off so I wouldn’t wake Mom.” Note: His Mom is upstairs and he is downstairs.

–Duncan: “Knock knock.” Me: “Who’s there?” Duncan: “Boo hoo.” Me: “Boo hoo who?” Duncan: “Don’t cry Dad, it’s just a knock-knock joke.”

–As Duncan IDs presidents on his coins, I ask: “Isn’t it great you saw THE Oval Office?” Duncan: “Yeah. It’s also cool I have 19 cents.”

–Bad Sean joke #452 … Sean:”Why did the cop wrap the crook in tinfoil?” Me: “I dunno. Why?” Sean: “Because he wanted to foil the crime.”

–Heard in the other room: Duncan singing, “I am the ice cream man, I keep Twinkies in my pants, when I ring the bell, all the fat guys run and yell…”

–Duncan says he’s the smartest kid in his class because he knows what 8X8 is. Asked to give the answer, he said confidently: 24

–Duncan’s first words to me as I arrive home from NYC: “I missed you, Dad. But I didn’t miss you making my lunches for school.”

–Sean: “I’m looking forward to seeing the White House tonight. Good food there.” Me: “We’re there for a tour, not dinner.” Sean: “Oh well.”

–Sez Sean, because I didn’t look at his computer game fast enough: “C’mon Dad, what’s more important, your son or your Blackberry?”

–Just caught Duncan singing these lyrics: “Hey, you, my name is Bob. I’ll eat all your corn on the cob…”

–Sean, fighting with Duncan: “My life was pretty good till you came along.”

–Sean to Duncan: “You’re really cute for a pest.” Duncan: “Pests are never cute, dummy.”

–Saturday morning: I’m on one laptop, Sean’s on another and Duncan has his DS. It used to be the 3 of us watched PBS kids Sat. mornings.

–Sean scolded me for killing an ant cause “They’re God’s creatures.” Then he found one on his Lego sets, and now he wants all ants dead.

–Sean’s description of Duncan’s breath: “Like a cat climbed in your mouth, peed, pooped and died.” His breath was just as bad.

–Sean: “When someone says ‘you shouldn’t have’ it’s another way to say thank you.” Duncan: “I thought it meant ‘what were you thinking?'”

–Duncan: “Zeus is evil.” Sean: “Nah, he aint evil. He’s just in a bad mood all the time.”

–Sean hasn’t stopped laughing since I told him Bun Bun — the Whites’ dwarf hamster — got caught in Sam’s closet and crapped everywhere.

–After I told Duncan he was a goof: “Of course I am. I’m Duncan!”

–Proof Duncan’s my kid: He grabbed the pepper shaker and poured pepper on his toungue. Proof Sean’s my kid: Buries face in book at the table.

–Overheard from the LR: Sean telling Duncan: “I thinks it’s funny because it’s a little inappropriate.” Better see what he’s talking about…

–Turns out that “inappropriate” thing Sean said makes him laugh is anything with the word “crap” in it.

–Duncan is making Sean furious by constantly calling him Shawny-Sean. Dad is doing nothing to stop it.

–Quote from Duncan, who is holding up a Lego Darth Vader: “Luke — I am your father. Now go wipe the table and sweep the floor.”

–Duncan, to an elderly man sitting in his van smoking a cigarette in the parking lot of Toys R Us: “Smoking’s dumb, you know. It puts holes in your lungs. Also, you forgot to close the back door of your van.”

Duncan and Sean knock a friend on his ass with their razor-sharp toungues

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Ken October 26, 2010 at 1:24 am

Awesome! I laughed out loud a couple of times – which might have been embarassing if more people had shown up for work yet! Thanks, Bill!

Faith October 26, 2010 at 1:32 am

Hilarious as always. I think I may have to borrow that frying pan one.

Linda White October 26, 2010 at 3:11 am

They didn’t knock that kid on his ass. Sam was just playing dead to escape.

Kelly October 26, 2010 at 10:16 am

Your kids are seriously awesome! These cracked me up 🙂

Rene'e October 26, 2010 at 1:27 pm

Seriously Bill, you ought to write a book on these two. They are so funny. Thanks so much for sharing. Can’t wait for part 3!

M Trans November 16, 2010 at 12:27 pm

I’m dying over here! And I’m going to move out of my frying pan.

Meredith November 27, 2010 at 1:26 pm

Thanks for making me laugh!!

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