Things My Kids Say

by Bill Brenner on October 21, 2010

When life gets you down and you feel like shutting out the world, a child’s perspective will always give you a mental boost. That’s what Sean and Duncan have taught me.

They also know how to trigger my OCD-isms,  but I’ve covered that already. This post is all about their spirit-lifting wisdom. (Guest appearance by their cousin Madison.)

–Heard in the bathroom: Sean singing to no one in particular, “Your butt’s too big to be real…”

–Me: “I missed you Sean. I love you.” Sean, staring intently at the drawing he’s working on as I tell him this: “Dad, go get me a pencil”

–Sean, grousing about his loose pants: “This is ridiculous. If Eve didn’t eat that stupid apple, I wouldn’t have to worry about pants!”

–Duncan on the passing of Father Nason: “It’s really sad for us, but it’s really good for him, cause now he can have fun.”

–Sean, unhappy that I’m making him and Duncan pick up their toys, has declared me “pure evil.” Accoring to Duncan, I’m just being stupid.

–Duncan finally gets it! He told Sean: “You don’t get to boss me around. Only Dad gets to boss me around, so take that!”

–One of Sean and Duncan’s friends, wowed that Sean has read the first 3 Harry Potter books, has named him “The Manly King of Reading.”

–Sean: “Dad, are you working or fooling around?” Me: “Working.” Sean, looking at my screen: “Working on Facebook and Tweetdeck? I don’t think so.”

–Me: “You’re a good kid, Duncan. I’m proud of you.” Duncan’s response: *rolls eyes* “Go away, Dad. You’re spoiling my fun.”

–Sean, explaining The Prodigal Son to Duncan: “If there were a third brother, he would have just sat there chilling out, taking it all in.”

–Casually uttered from the mouth of Duncan as he walks by, strumming his severely out-of-tune guitar: “Nobody puts Baby on the shelf…”

–Sean-ism of the morning: I learned Australian in second grade. It’s my second language.

–Sean-ism of the morning: “I learned Australian in second grade. It’s my second language.”

–Sean, exasperated that Duncan is running around sans pants: “For Pete’s sake, Duncan! You’re a lot of work.”

–Sept. 23, 2010: I feel a strange sense of satisfaction for a Dad who was just informed by his oldest that “You are ruining my life.”

–Sean asks Cousin Madison: “Who’s your favorite cousin?” Madison, without hesitation: “Duncan!”

–Sept. 17, 2010: Madison, who slept over last night, thinks it’s hilarious when Uncle Bill burps. In other news, Duncan is teaching her his “Big Butt” song.

–Sept. 10, 2010: Sean says I’m too bossy. Since I’m feeling blah, I think I’ll go make myself feel better by bossing him around some more.

–3 days into the school year, Sean announces that he has 4th grade “licked.” Boy is he in for a reality check.

–Sean: “Babies come out the you-know-what” Duncan: “Gross. Why’s that?” Sean: “That’s just the way life works.”

–Me to Madison, the 2-year-old niece: “You’re so stinkin’ cute.” The niece: “Yes. I am.”

–Sean wants to study “Australian as a second language.”

–Meanwhile, Duncan likes the British because instead of missile, they say “Mis-Isle”

–Duncan, puzzled to learn that Darth Vader killed the Emperor in “Return of the Jedi”: “Where does he get off killing his own boss?”

–Duncan, catching me with my shirt off: “Really, Dad. Do you have to be such an ape?”

–Duncan, upon learning he’ll be an attendence monitor in class: “Wow, that’s great! And I don’t even know what an attendence monitor is.”

–Sean, in response to me telling him and Duncan to do a chore: “Dad, if you’re trying to annoy us, it’s not working.”

–Me to Sean: “You’re so stinkin’ cute.” Sean to me: “You’re so stinkin’ ugly. No offense.”

–Sean, noticing the Greek Orthodox church we were driving past: “Gee Whiz! I didn’t even know Greek Mythology was still around!”

–Me: “I know, kids, you can fold laundry for my birthday!” Sean: “We’ll do anything for you today. Pause. Sean: So, you’re not joking, are you?”

–Duncan pounced on me, pounded his elbow into my spine and kissed my bald head, telling me he just gave me a “love ambush.”

–Duncan pounced on me, pounded his elbow into my spine and kissed my bald head, telling me he just gave me a “love ambush.”

–Sean, trying to coach Duncan through a Star Wars game online: “Oh, for crying out loud Duncan… USE THE FORCE! USE THE FORCE!”

–The Sean-Duncan Star Wars feud takes a dark, stinky turn: Duncan says Sean keeps calling him Sen. Poopatine and he wants me to punish him.

–Heard from the boys’ bedroom: Sean and Duncan chanting “My head, my butt, my head, my butt…”

–Bathtub chatter: Sean: “Cheese is your favorite food, right Duncan?” Duncan: “Of course.” Sean: “I read they’re gonna stop making it soon.”

–Sean’s take on his grandfather (my father): “I’ll tell you what, Duncan. There is nothing we can’t get him to do.”

–Duncan: “I fell on my butt. Can somebody kiss it?” Me: “I don’t kiss butts. Go ask your mother.”

–Sean, growing impatient with the DC-to-Boston drive: “What state are we in besides a state of confusion?”

–Sean: “Can I have more computer time?” Me: “No.” Sean: “Wow. That was unexpected.”

–Duncan wants you all to know that my jokes are not funny. They are, however, “annoying and stupid.” So I’m telling him some more.

–Aug. 4, 2010: Sean & Duncan are cleaning up the loft because they forgot all about my threat to give ’em chores whenever they complained of being bored.

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Faith October 21, 2010 at 2:07 am

I have been WAITING for this one! I read most of them as you posted them on Facebook, but they’re still a hoot. (And of course, there are a few new gems I haven’t heard!)

Ken October 21, 2010 at 2:34 am

Nice to see all the gems in one place!

Kelly October 21, 2010 at 5:42 am

These are so great! I love hearing what Sean and Duncan will come up with. They are sharp, funny kids.

kteb October 21, 2010 at 11:38 am

these are great! thanks for sharing!

Blondie October 21, 2010 at 3:47 pm

This cracked me up! Like Faith, I recognized some of them from Facebook. You should write a book on these boys…

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