Looking for Grace

by Bill Brenner on October 13, 2010

In church we hear the word Grace a lot. But it’s taken me a long time to get what it really means. I’m still working on that. But here’s what I got so far.

Mood music:


I like to think of Grace as the treasures I don’t deserve. I have many of those.

If you want to get technical about it, Grace is a gift from God, freely given. It’s a gift people refuse to accept every day.

When I was holing myself off in my room, weaving angry thoughts about the world around me, I refused the gift.

When I was busy hating myself and those around me for all the bad things that happened to me earlier in life, I refused the gift.

When I went looking for solace in a binge, I refused the gift.

When I swaggered around high on myself, thinking I was better than those around me, I refused the gift.


When I finally hit the lowest of lows, my pride crumbled and I started accepting the gift without realizing it.

When I started going to therapists and actually started acting on what I learned from them, I accepted the gift.

When I took a leap of Faith and gave Prozac a try, I accepted the gift.

When I started letting family and friends help me instead of trying to go it alone, I accepted the gift.

When I decided to finally do something about the food addiction and entered the doors of OA, I accepted the gift.

When I started sponsoring people in the 12-Step program — something I really didn’t want to do at first, I accepted the gift. 

When I started approaching my work as something to do well for the sake of the people who read it and not for the sake of being seen as the golden boy in the eyes of my bosses, I accepted the gift.

God works on me through the people around me — my wife and kids, our friends, people I work with and people in Program. When I really learned to love these people instead of seeing them as a barrier to my freedom — freedom to destroy myself slowly, to be specific — I accepted the gift.

Do I live in a complete state of Grace? I highly doubt it. But I’m trying to get a little closer every day.

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