The OCD Diaries

March 31, 2020March 31, 2020

5 Positive COVID-19 Developments

Today, five news items to boost hope out there.

The Coronavirus Is Mutating Relatively Slowly

Some viruses, like flu, change quickly, making them harder to prevent through vaccines. So far, though, the coronavirus seems to be picking up only about two mutations each month. Flu makes changes about two or three times faster. This bodes well for efforts to make a vaccine that will be effective.
NPR

Coronavirus Slowdown in Seattle Suggests Restrictions Are Working

The coronavirus first appeared in the United States in the Seattle area and claimed 37 of its first 50 victims. But Seattle’s strict containment strategies, which put in place almost immediately, are having an effect. “Hospitals have so far not been overwhelmed. And preliminary statistical models provided to public officials in Washington State suggest that the spread of the virus has slowed in the Seattle area in recent days,” the New York Times reported.
NYT

Some Insurers Waive Patients’ Share Of Costs For COVID-19 Treatment

According to NPR, “insurers Cigna and Humana announced Monday that they would waive consumer costs associated with COVID-19 treatment. Last week, CVS Health announced a more limited change — that Aetna would waive costs to patients for hospital admissions related to the coronavirus.”
NPR

In Under a Week, Formula One Created a Breathing Aid That Can Help Keep Coronavirus Patients Out of ICU

University College London and Mercedes F1 have made a breathing aid for coronavirus patients that sends oxygen to the lungs, reducing the need for a ventilator. It was created in less than a week, and 40 of them have already been delivered to several London hospitals. Other companies, including Rolls-Royce, BAE systems and Ford, have pledged to produce ventilators for the UK’s NHS.
BBC

Wuhan Partly Reopens After Lockdown

“The city in China where the coronavirus pandemic began, Wuhan, has partially re-opened after more than two months of isolation,” said the BBC.
“Crowds of passengers were pictured arriving at Wuhan train station on Saturday.
“People are being allowed to enter but not leave, according to reports.
“Wuhan, the capital of Hubei province, saw more than 50,000 coronavirus cases. At least 3,000 people in Hubei died from the disease.
“But numbers have fallen dramatically, according to China’s figures.”
I’ll post more stories like these as I find them.
BBC

March 30, 2020March 30, 2020

A Useful Bout of Depression

This weekend the depression finally arrived. Given the scale of the crisis we’re all traveling through, I’m surprised it took this long. But it may have been exactly what I needed.

Mood Music:

Depression is often thought of as varying levels of sadness and feelings of emptiness. Those are certainly real and I’ve experienced it all. But what I went through this weekend wasn’t in that range. This was the tired variety of depression.

I’ve described this before as “happy depression” — your sense of purpose is intact and you remain fully aware of the good things around you. But you’re exhausted from the fight and a cloud descends over the mind.

In a weird way, I’ve come to see this type of depression as a defense mechanism, forcing me into low-power mode to recharge for the longer fight ahead.

That defense mechanism kicked in yesterday. I dozed a lot and watched a lot of TV. I allowed myself a few extra calories but remained within my Noom calorie budget. Overnight I slept harder than usual.

Now it’s Monday and I’m expecting another intense work week. The sky is overcast, which always dampens my spirits. Using the 5-stage depression scale I devised a few years ago by ripping off the 5 Stages of Grief, I figure I’m at 5 (acceptance), though I don’t know if I really experienced 1–4. It’s possible I have and it was mild enough in intensity that I didn’t notice.

I’m grateful that this is only a happy depression and not the crippling, empty variety of depression. I’m going to use my tools and try hard to keep it that way.

One impossible day at a time.

March 27, 2020March 27, 2020

When the Best OCD Management Tools Fail (and What to Do About It)

Admission: Despite all the training and tools I’ve accumulated to manage clinical OCD over the years, the demons still run over me in spectacular ways on occasion. Yesterday was one of those days.

Mood Music:

Things I’ve learned about OCD management:

Practice mindfulness through meditation
Push back thought distortions — the kind associated with something like impostor syndrome.
Take walks
Prayer (as part of that first one)

Sometimes, though, my passions run so hot that I flat-out forget to pick up those tools.

In recent weeks, my work has involved producing a lot of written guidance for businesses trying to maintain security as workforces go remote. I’ve taken the task close to heart because it’s one small way I can do my part to get society through this, aside from the physical distancing. Also: It’s my job.

But when my OCD runs hot, my patience grows threadbare. I want to get content out quickly. It’s the old newsman in me. Which can be at odds with another truth: When dealing with technological guidance, the more painfully rigorous the process, the better.

Yesterday, I realized that my obsessive-compulsive nature was trying to circumvent that process, and I suspect it made life difficult for a couple of my colleagues. To them, I apologize.

The good news: I caught myself, with gentle pushback from a couple people. Now I’m going to step back a little today and pick those tools back up.

This isn’t meant as a public self-flaying exercise. It’s a message for everyone working through these times with OCD, anxiety, depression and other mental disorders:

You’re not alone.
You’re not stupid or weak.
Health management of any kind is a titanic task in times like these.
Yes, past generations have weathered trying times (The Great Depression and WWII come to mind), but individuals who did great things along the way still failed from time to time.
Beating ourselves up — something I excel at — is worse than useless.

When we have bad moments, let’s take a breath, step back, dust off and get back to work.

That’s what I’m going to do.

But first, a nap. That’s a good OCD management tool, too.

March 16, 2020March 16, 2020

CDC Says Hunker Down for 8 Weeks, and the Economy Is in Chaos. We Can Do This.

COVID-19 molecule up close and text COVID-19 Updated

Like most people, some COVID-19 news items scare the crap out of me. Two examples from yesterday: The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommending a ban on gatherings of more than 50 people for the next eight weeks, and the Federal Reserve, seeking to steady financial markets, cutting interest rates to near zero.

The latter rattled me because the news will only spread more fear among investors. It signals that the Feds see recession. Global stocks took a hit from the news overnight, making another bad day on Wall Street likely. The CDC news rattled me even more. “How the hell are we going to hunker down like this for 8 weeks?” I thought.

Mood Music:

After a few hours of sleep and some more reading, I’m calmer. Hopefully, this post calms you, too.

Let’s start with the economy: There’s little doubt that we’re in a downturn. But there are myriad signs that we’ll adapt and even make innovations that will benefit economic growth in the long run.

NYC-based financial advisor Joshua M. Brown writes that we’re in for more scary headlines, but that like the alarming words we saw amid 9-11 and the 2008 financial meltdown, we will adapt and move forward. He notes:

Without a doubt, the news will get worse from here. But its ability to shock us will diminish.

Last night, after the governor of my state announced a ban of even midsized gatherings and sitting in restaurants and bars, there were signs of hope. I saw restaurants quickly adapting and making takeout options easier for people. I mentioned one such example yesterday: the Canlis Restaurant in Seattle shutting its dining room but switching gears to food delivery.

Schools are closing en mass, but instead of doing nothing, most are adopting online classroom options. I’m seeing this up close with both my kids at home.

Some areas of the economy are going to suffer more than others, obviously. Restaurant servers, Uber drivers, hotel workers and airline/cruise ship employees are in for a lot of pain. Those of us with the financial means to help should be thinking about what to do.

In many other parts of the economy, however, I see companies quickly shifting their models in ways that will keep them humming along. Microsoft and Google moved their employees to a work-at-home model earlier on. My own company has done the same, and we’ve been able to shift several of our in-person events to virtual without much of a sweat.

In the coming days, weeks and months, we’re all going to learn a lot about what my profession calls business continuity. The lessons will enable us to weather future crises with more ease.

In the meantime, how do we all keep from going mad as we isolate ourselves? Here’s my plan:

Daily walks and drives. We can still go outside as long as we keep our distance from others. I’ll be taking plenty of walks and a few drives to break up the day.

Being the change wherever I can. I’m fortunate to be in the cybersecurity business, which is heavily focused on business continuity and risk management. I’ll be tripling down on producing content to help our clients through this. I’ll also use my social media platforms to share common-sense guidance and shoot down fearmongering, dismissiveness and falsities as much as possible.

Music. I’ll be doing a lot of soul soothing by losing myself in some of my favorite music.

Movies. Our house will need breaks from reality, and we have Netflix, Britbox and Amazon Prime at the ready.

Healthy eating. I’m fortunate in that I dropped 70 pounds before this crisis and adopted healthier eating and exercise habits. As a result, I’m already finding it easier to weather current events. I have more energy and mental bandwidth to do so. These habits will continue.

We can do this. We will do this. Peace and strength be with you all.

April 21, 2016

Sometimes, It’s Good to be Hard on Yourself

Last week, I vented frustration on Facebook after a particularly frustrating day. I was angrier than I had been in a long time.

Mood music:

https://youtu.be/lyL58DRZ9KQ?list=PLG5y42X_qOGxGXuyLOr6FJV76M3o5TUcX

By the next morning, the bad feelings had dulled and I had second thoughts about venting my anger the way I did. So I put this on my timeline:

Yesterday I was having a bad-attitude kind of day and I let it bleed onto Facebook. I try to never do that. Sorry to those who had to see it.

The larger reality is that I have a blessed life. I’m married to my best friend and we have two awesome children. We live in a great place. Erin C Brenner is doing great things with her business and I have a great job and legions of friends.

Managing a building on the side has been hard, but things there are steadily moving in the right direction and I’ve been able to keep it from affecting my work. I’ve also picked up a ton of business experience I never thought I’d have.

My biggest problem is that I’m sweating the little stuff too much lately and I haven’t been writing enough.

That’s gonna change.

Thanks to all of you for being in my life.

A lot of people responded, most saying I’m entitled to vent sometimes and that I’m way too hard on myself. I appreciated the words of support. But when people say I’m too hard on myself, I don’t entirely agree.

Sure, there’s a point where self-criticism can take ugly turns and be counterproductive, especially when you beat yourself up physically and mentally, lash out at everyone around you out of shame and fail to move on with life. I’ve gone down that road too many times.

I’ve also discovered that more often than not, when you think you’ve said or done something counterproductive, it’s healthy to acknowledge it. If you’re not hard on yourself once in a while, you never learn and evolve. I don’t want to be that guy. To that end, I feel better for having written that second take on Saturday morning.

The trick is to know when you’re putting yourself in check and when you’ve crossed over into angry self-righteousness. It’s difficult to see when you’ve crossed that line, but I think I’m getting better at it as I get older.

Thanks again for all your support.

November 5, 2015May 31, 2020

With Burnout Comes Wisdom (If You Survive)

I’ve devoted several posts to combatting career burnout, particularly in the information security industry. But something recently occurred to me: Burnout can be a good thing, but only if you survive.

Mood music:

The thought came to me after talking to a fellow industry veteran and work colleague. We’ve seen friends younger than us either setting themselves up for the fall or crashing to Earth after burning to a crisp.

My friend knows burnout. So do I. We’ve survived it and are better for it. You don’t often hear about how survivors of burnout become better and stronger. There’s wisdom to be had.

Personal lessons:

Accepting more responsibility without more pay seems OK when you’re young, but it’s not. When I was in my 20s and eager to advance my young journalism career, I didn’t think about money. I just wanted to get the job. I assumed that with good work, better pay would follow. All I did was show the bosses that they could keep throwing more weight on me and I’d take it. I nearly destroyed my health in the process.
Being a people pleaser is dumb. My current employers treat me well, but I’ve been in jobs where I put everything else in life aside to do more work. I wanted to be the golden boy so badly that I let precious relationships suffer along with my health. As I got older I realized the top brass didn’t put in nearly as much time as I did. I ultimately discovered two things: The best corporate leaders learn to prioritize tasks and keep their eyes on the big stuff. The worst simply ride the backs of minions who won’t say no.
Working 90 hours a week and loving it? I didn’t think so. Those who know the history of Apple have heard about the “90 Hours a Week and Loving It” shirts that made the rounds back in the ’80s. It was based on Steve Jobs boasting about his people working those kinds of hours. When you’re in your 20s it’s easy to fall into the trap. I certainly did. But all those extra hours left me with a whole lot of loneliness and depression.
Living on your knees will cripple you. As a young man, I was terrified of the punishment bosses would deliver if I ever disagreed with them. Part of the mindset was well intentioned. I knew enough complainers to know that I didn’t like them. The part I missed was that you CAN disagree. The key is to suggest alternative ideas and steer clear of empty whining that only focuses on why something is bad. Even if you don’t always hit the mark, it’s better than letting disagreements in procedure eat you alive.

Set boundaries. Put family and health first. Stand up for yourself. Spend your time on that and you just might survive the burnout periods.

November 2, 2015

5 Realizations and Defenses from the Family Business

Big pressures aside, I’ve learned much while cleaning up and selling off the old family business and managing trusts Dad left in my hands.

Mood music:

Until I took on this family business stuff, I’d never had to deal with lawyers or real estate people at this magnitude. I had certainly never managed this kind of money. Here are five realizations — and five defenses — that have saved me from implosion.

5 Realizations

Lawyers are the best and worst of humanity. I have to deal with several of our own and other people’s lawyers for real estate matters and environmental remediation. The best ones guide you through traumatic minefields and save you from your own inexperience. The rest bleed you dry and bog you down — and bill you for every drop of blood spilled.
Hurry up and wait. Lawyers, insurance companies, government agencies and vendors love paperwork. I’ve filled out more in the last six months than I have in the previous five years. They want their forms immediately, but once they have them, you wait months for resolution.
Cost estimates are rarely accurate. There’s a huge disconnect between what vendors tell you something costs and what it actually costs. It’s usually more than you’re led to believe.
A good financial advisor can save your life. Mine has guided me through the intricacies of trust management, investments and loads of related tasks. I never could have handled it alone.
Insurance companies have nice people but evil policies. Processing Dad’s life insurance claims is a mind-numbing experience. When I call these companies and talk to real people, they’re nice enough. But the left hand never knows what the right hand is doing. This causes many problems.

5 Defenses

Trust no one. Even when people work for you, blind trust is hazardous. When you have three or more lawyers who have to talk to each other, miscommunication abounds. One will tell you what they think is a solution and you’ll walk away thinking the matter is settled. Then someone else will contradict the previous information and send you back to square one. In business, trust is expensive.
Take care of yourself. I can’t say I’ve learned to do this. But I’m realizing a poorly maintained body will fail under pressure before long.
Paying work comes first. It would be easy for me to let the family business overcome every aspect of my life. There are simply too many moving parts. Early on I found myself taking care of family business before my real work. Then I remembered the real work is what pays the mortgage, the kids’ tuition bills, healthcare and the food on the table. That must always come first.
Make them wait. Since paper pushers take their time, I’m learning to make them wait, too. It’s the closest I come to revenge — and to maintaining balance in my life.
Follow your conscience. I was terrified I’d fuck up everything in the beginning. But when I trust in God and follow my conscience, things work out.

Survival book in the jungle

October 14, 2015

Coming Soon: The OCD Diaries Book Series

For years, people have told me to write a book based on this blog. And for years I’ve resisted because life was busy enough between work, family and writing for three blogs. But after some brainstorming with Erin last weekend, the decision is made: I’m diving in. The time is right.

Mood music:

In 2016 I’ll still write fresh posts here, but my main focus as far as The OCD Diaries goes will be on book writing. Not one book, but a series. There are several recurring themes in the blog and instead of jumping from one to the other in one book, the best approach is several small volumes that zero in on specific themes. The idea is for these to be relatively short essay collections. Instead of merely cobbling together old posts, there will be a lot of fresh writing to fuse things together.

I also want to use a lot of art. Some will be my own. But I have many friends who are artists and I want to use these to give them some more exposure.

We’ll be shopping around for a publisher, but if we can’t find a suitable one we’re going to self publish. One of the great things about the Internet is that it’s easier to go it alone, whether it’s book publishing or music recording. I have one big advantage going in: a lot of experience with publishing and plenty of connections in the business.

These will not be self-help books. I’m too flawed to be telling you how you should deal with life. These are just my experiences and observations. The reader can do what they will with it.

Here’s my early thinking on the different volumes. Any and all feedback is appreciated:

Lessons from an Imperfect Childhood: Don’t expect this to be a laundry list of grievances from childhood. I have no grievances. Life happens, and we all go through tough times. I also believe that most of us have imperfect childhoods and that we even need it to be that way. This volume is where I’ll write about the lessons my experiences produced.
Turning Mental Disorder into a Superpower: This volume will be a chronological narrative of my struggle with OCD and the magic that happened once I realized the goal wasn’t to beat the disorder but to manage it in ways that turn weakness into strength.
Grief Management 3.0: Here, I’ll collect my essays about loss, with a focus on how one gets through it.
The EddieTheYeti Collection: I’ve written a lot of posts based on the work of friend and fellow infosec practitioner Eddie Mize, who has done a lot of remarkable art under the name EddieTheYeti. This book will feature my writing and his art.
Living with Depression, Fear and Anxiety: My experiences and lessons from all three will be collected here.
The Rebellious Catholic: This volume will have essays from my ongoing spiritual journey.
What InfoSec Taught Me About Dealing with Life: My work in the security industry has produced critical lessons on how I need to live my life. Expect an emphasis on the many mistakes I’ve made and why they were ultimately for the good.

Will I get through this whole list in 2016? I doubt it. But the new year will be my starting point. Titles and the number of volumes are also likely to change.

Let the games begin.

Uncle Fester reading a self-help book while lying in bed

October 9, 2015October 9, 2015

Out of Facebook F**ks to Give

When I look at some of the posts I wrote just a few years ago, I realize how much my outlook on a lot of things has changed, especially when it comes to Facebook. My opinions have evolved through my experiences since writing those posts. People who read those posts should see that a writer’s views can evolve and mature — or devolve.

Mood music:

“Me and My Facebook Unfriend Finder“
This post describes how I had installed a plug-in that would tell me who unfriended me. At the time I was obsessive over why people would do that.

My view now: I stopped paying attention to my friends number some time ago, partially because I got tired of worrying about what people found offensive. These days, everyone finds something offensive, and playing the “who unfriended me?” game got boring.

I also learned on more than one occasion that being friends with someone on Facebook doesn’t make them friends in real life. I’ve been to events where people I’m connected to online didn’t say two words to me in person. If it ain’t real, it ain’t worth fretting over.

“Run Out of Town (Or Off Facebook, Twitter)“
A friend whose quick typing fingers got her into trouble was ready to quit Facebook. In this post, I suggested that she shouldn’t quit Facebook because none of us are perfect. Then I offered advice on how she could get along better.

My view now: I used to think that I could help people form healthier habits. But you can’t change people who don’t want to change. Mostly, you have to hope people learn and evolve on their own. The person I wrote about in that post still engages in bomb throwing online, and she has a loyal audience. I didn’t unfriend her. I just ignore her.

“Research It Before You Share“
People pass on all sorts of content without stopping to find out whether it’s true or not. It’s good to let people know when they’re being gullible, kind of like a public service announcement. I don’t regret writing this one. Having said that …

My view now: I’ve realized that people will never stop posting memes or statements without checking their facts first, especially when they fit their preconceived ideas. People have taken their politics on Facebook to lunacy levels, and if I’ve learned anything in life, it’s that you can’t reason with crazy.

“Don’t Let Politics Kill Friendships“
Political arguments on Facebook can damage or kill friendships. I’m sorry when my actions have caused that to happened with my friends.

My view now: I still believe I should be respectful in an argument. But if a friendship can’t survive political arguments, it wasn’t a very strong friendship to begin with. That’s especially true if the argument is with someone you only communicate with on Facebook. In this case, the friend in question was a friend long before Facebook came along. And we get along just fine today.

“A Message from the ‘Obsessive Poster’“
Someone called me an obsessive poster, and I took the opportunity to defend myself.

My view now: The guy was right. I was posting far too much. I don’t post nearly as much now. Back then, there was an OCD component to my posts. I was obsessive about getting my words to the masses. I was also inexperienced in the art of self-promotion and distribution. I’ve learned along the way that less is more.

September 21, 2015October 7, 2020

Tales from the Womb

For a few years in the late 1980s and early 1990s, it was one of my favorite places on Earth. My late friend Sean Marley built the room in his basement, a couple doors down from my house. If we weren’t in my basement, we were in his.

Mood music:

Sean called it The Womb because he likened the peace one felt in there to being back in the womb. It was a fairly accurate description.

There was always a smell of incense. There was a phone made in the likeness of Opus from the “Bloom County” comic strip. There was the wood-burning stove, a huge amp and a black Carvin guitar — probably one of the heaviest guitars I ever held. There were books of all sorts and there was usually alcohol nearby.

It’s where he taught me to use a bong made from a Windex bottle and introduced me to a lot of the music I love today: Thin Lizzy, T. Rex, Ministry, Soundgarden, King Diamond, Nine Inch Nails. He also introduced me to some stuff I wasn’t as crazy about, like Skinny Puppy.

Sean and I would talk for hours down there, just the two of us much of the time but frequently with an assortment of friends, too. I met people there who became dear friends and remain so today. We talked about philosophy, religion, politics, history. It was the most comfortable classroom I ever knew. And Sean was a great teacher.

Thanks to Dan for sharing this photo. It brings back a lot of great memories.

Bill Brenner and Sean Marley in the Womb