When Your Kid Asks About Anti-Depressants

My 12-year-old has a few things in common with his dad. Both of us have mental disorders (his is ADHD, mine is OCD with wintertime undercurrents of ADHD). Both of us take medication to help manage our ills. But until last weekend, he had never asked the big question:

“What do these pills do, anyway?”

Mood music:

To answer the question, I dusted off an analogy I had used some years ago to explain it to others. Essentially, I told him, the brain is an engine. When one part gets worn out, the whole the engine can fail. An engine needs the right amount of oil, transmission fluid, brake fluid, and so forth to function properly.

If the oil runs out, for example, the engine seizes up. If the brake fluid runs dry, the breaks fail. Too much of these fluids can harm the engine, as well.

Car owners and auto mechanics use many different techniques to keep engines healthy or fix them when they break. It could be something simple, like topping off the oil, to something more complex, like realigning or replacing faulty parts.

The brain works much the same way.

Heat map of brain activity, normal state versus depressed state

Think of a psychotherapist as the auto mechanic who is well versed in how to regulate the different engine fluids and pinpoint specific fixes for specific problems.

The different drugs are tools the mechanic uses to deal with specific problems in the engine. In the brain, when certain fluids are running low, the result is depression and a host of other mental disorders.

Antidepressants

In my case, Prozac addresses the very specific fluid deficiencies that spark OCD behavior. Since OCD is essentially the brain pumping and spinning out of control, I like to think of my specific problem as a lack of brake fluid.

When I explained it this way, I think he got it.

The “I’m Surviving” Checklist

I’ve learned that in times of disorganized thought, depression and anxiety, it’s good to make lists. Want to squeeze out all your negative thoughts about people? Make a resentment list. Need help getting your diet in order? Write a daily food list, also known as a food diary. Feeling overwhelmed by work and family responsibilities? Make daily to-do lists to stay on top of it all.

Mood music:

https://youtu.be/oKujsRIjoOA

Life has been pretty chaotic lately, and it feels like I’m losing my grip on everything. I know that’s not really true, but another list exercise is in order. For this one, I’ll focus on the positives.

“I’m Surviving” Checklist

  • My children are healthy and thriving.
  • My wife is excelling at her business, and she loves me even though I’m not always pleasant to be around.
  • My father is dying, but he’s able to live in comfort for whatever time is left.
  • I’m getting lots of quality time with him, which is a blessing.
  • Despite the family upheaval, I’m still able to do my job do it well.
  • I have legions of friends who stick by me for some reason.
  • My Crohn’s Disease is in check.
  • My eating is off, but I haven’t gone on any binges. I haven’t picked up a bottle, either.
  • Helping my father tie up loose ends with his business is a harrowing experience, but I’m learning a lot and that’ll be to my benefit later.
  • Summer is upon us, and that’s my favorite time of year.
  • I have a really good therapist.
  • I’m sleeping OK under the circumstances.
  • I have plenty of coffee to keep me going.
  • I have music.

It would appear my life is still pretty damn good, despite my perceptions lately.

Beat-up journal labelled

My Problem with “One Day at a Time”

“One day at a time? You wouldn’t believe the crap that swirls around my head one day at a time.”–Anonymous

Recovering addicts have a saying burned into their brains: “one day at a time.” It’s important wisdom to live by. But when the recovering addict has OCD, there’s a big problem.

Mood music:

In the world of 12-step recovery programs, the idea of “one day at a time” is not to be overwhelmed. Instead of trying to get your arms around everything necessary for recovery inside of a week or a month or a year, we subscribe to the idea of just focusing on what we have to do today. Doing this a day at a time makes the clean-up tasks seem a lot less overwhelming.

It’s a good way to be in all aspects of life. Plan for the future, but stay focused in the present.

The problem with an OCD case is that the disorder forces you to do nothing but stew over the future. You look at the next week or the next month and relentlessly play out the potential outcomes.

The first time someone told me to take it a day at a time, my instinct was to punch him in the face. I had a business trip three weeks away to worry about. I had a medical test scheduled for the following month and had all kinds of potentially grim outcomes to worry about.

That’s how guys like me roll.

Still, I decided to give “one day at a time” a chance. I even took a class of mindfulness-based stress reduction to that end.

I learned that it absolutely is the best way to go about life. When I’m able to focus on the present, I’m happy and successful.

But I’ve also learned that it’s hard as hell to pull off. My OCD often reasserts itself and I dive back into long-term worries, which lead to present-day failures.

The whole concept fell to ashes this past autumn as I slipped into one of the deeper depressions I’ve had in a long time. The depression has lifted significantly, but I remain scattered.

This past weekend I was so all over the place that my lapse from mindfulness became too big to overlook, and I find myself looking for ways to get it back. I feel like Bill the Cat from the “Bloom County” comic strip: flopping about and yelling “Ack!”

I played guitar both weekend days, which helped. More daily walks would help, too. It might also do me a world of good to go to confession sometime this month. Emptying the trash that builds up in the soul is a good way to move on.

In a perfect world, I would probably do well to take a refresher course in mindfulness. But this isn’t a perfect world, and there’s no time or money for such an endeavor.

Somewhere in my house is the packet of papers I collected during the mindfulness course. I plan to tear the place apart until I find it.

Stay tuned.

Bill the Cat

Woe-Is-Me Disease

Funny thing about us humans — especially those of us with mental disorders: When the going gets tough, we blame it on someone else. Call it the Woe-Is-Me Disease, where the sufferer is an eternal victim, forever screwed by everyone but themselves.

Mood music:

We all have people like that in our lives. They are clinically incapable of seeing their own role in the thing that goes wrong. It’s always someone else’s fault. They whine a lot, and when you suggest that they are whining, they call you the whiner. They repeat the same stories about how they were victimized over and over again.

They always seem to be involved in a bunch of projects but never seem to follow through on any of it — usually because of something someone else did or didn’t do.

I’ve fit that profile in the past, especially in my angry teens and 20s, when many of us might fit that profile.

It used to be that it was impossible for me to see the problems as my own. It was always the result of something someone else did to me or failed to do for me.

Seeing yourself as a victim every time the going gets tough is probably one of the worst things you can do. It holds you back, keeps you from improving yourself and makes you look pathetic in the eyes of people who don’t understand where the emotion comes from.

I was reminded of this a few years ago after getting a message from an old friend who was fighting his own battle with OCD. Here’s what he wrote to me at that time:

I recently finished my PHP for my OCD. It was a great program and I’m glad my wife recommended that I enroll. So many things helped me change my way of thinking. One of the most important things I learned was to find ways to be proactive and a problem solver (where before I would be reactive and put my head in the sand).

Additionally, I realized that I suffer from victim-type of thinking (such as “this is not fair,” “I can’t handle this,” etc.), and I need to think more like a survivor (“I can handle this”).

I have a huge folder of handouts that I need to organize. I do know that just because I went through the program doesn’t mean I’m miraculously cured. From here I on out, I have many tools in my toolbox to handle whatever life throws at me.

He’s right: people like us are never miraculously cured. We simply create a set of coping tools and pull them out when we need the help.

As a result, we stop being victims and become, as he put it, survivors.

crying baby

Turning Mental Disorder into a Superpower

Instead of fighting some mental disorders, such as OCD or ADHD, picture yourself accepting and even embracing them. Then learn to use your disorder to your advantage.

It’s kind of like Luke Skywalker learning to use and control the Force instead of it controlling him, or Superman learning to control his super-senses.

Mood music:

http://youtu.be/KFr3ih6Xu_8?list=PLsa4SxpfFe_q8QcwjC3kru7fW9y8U0Rm1

This won’t work for every disorder, of course. Some are more serious than others, like PTSD and schizophrenia. But Edward (Ned) Hallowell, psychiatrist and co-author of Driven to Distraction and Delivered from Distraction, has advocated for years that some disorders can be an advantage, if approached correctly.

In my battle with my own demons, it’s an approach that works.

I’m not the only one. A few years back a friend told me,  “Dr. Hallowell shaped a lot of my perceptions about ADHD and how to live with it rather than fighting it.”

Hallowell has written about mental disorder being the stuff legends are made of. The thinking is that you have to be a bit crazy or off-balance to do the things that change who we are and how we live. He often uses ADHD as an example, but it’s also true of people with OCD, like Harrison Ford, Howie Mandel, and the late Joey Ramone.

Early on in my efforts to get control of my life, one of my biggest struggles was that I didn’t want to completely rid myself of the OCD. I knew that I owed some of my career successes to the disorder. It drove me hard to be better than average. I needed that kick in the ass because being smart didn’t come naturally to me. I had to work at it and do my homework.

There was a destructive dark side, of course. When stuck in overdrive, the OCD would leave me with anxiety attacks that raised my fear level and drove me deep into my addictive pursuits. That in turn left me on the couch all the time, a pile of waste.

My challenge became learning to develop what Hallowell calls a set of brakes to slow down my disorder when I needed to.

My deepening faith has helped considerably, along with the 12 Steps of Recovery, therapy, changes in diet and, finally, medication.

You could say those are the things my brakes are made of.

I still need a lot of work and the dark side of my OCD still fights constantly with the light, but I’ve come to see the OCD as a close friend. Like a lot of close friends, there are days I want to hug it and days I want to launch my boot between its legs.

But I am in a happier place than I used to be, so it’s a trade-off I’m willing to accept, even if gets me into trouble sometimes.

BiPolar by EddieTheYeti

“Bipolar” by EddieTheYeti

From Stress and Fear to Passion

A friend shared one of those inspirational memes with me yesterday, and it got me thinking about my approach to work — and how far I’ve come in general.

Mood music:

http://youtu.be/MhtednkzJl4

The meme says, simply:

Working Hard Is Called Stress

Man, is that ever true. I know, because I’ve been on both sides of the equation.

Sometimes the job was intolerable. Mostly, my own demons were intolerable.

During my days as a newspaper reporter and editor, all I knew was stress. Stress over the next deadline. Stress over the backstabbing and petty squabbling often prevalent in newsrooms.

I used to hide by trying to sleep by day as much as possible — especially on weekends — and at night my sleep was pierced with the nightmares stress will generate deep in the brain.

My first job as a security writer was full of stress, too, but it was different. The job itself was good. My coworkers welcomed me from the beginning, and I was well compensated compared to what I had made before. But I was also full of self-loathing, anger and addictive compulsion due to a variety of issues.

I sorted it out, mostly during my time at that job. Then the next job came along, and I had a blast. By then I had pretty much come to grips with my OCD, depression and other issues, and I had a stronger spiritual foundation under me. I was more confident and finally had the ability to approach assignments with an almost child-like glee.

Now I’m at Akamai in a position that’s quite different from those I’ve been in before. I’m inside a security operation instead of outside looking in. I’m part of a team of awesome people I learn new things from every day, and I have the freedom to swing for the fences with my ideas.

It fills me with a lot of passion. Sometimes the passion feels like stress, but that’s usually when I fail to use the myriad coping tools God has given me.

All in all, it’s a great station to be at in life. I’m blessed for sure. The equation started to turn when I faced down my fears, which brings me to another meme I’ll end with:

The Other Side of Fear

Lego Movie Revelation: I Was Evil Lord Business

We went as a family to see The Lego Movie a couple weeks ago and loved it. I was particularly fond of the goth-metal Batman. But I also saw a lot of my old self in Lord Business, the film’s evil villain.

Mood music:

Editor’s Note: If you don’t like spoilers, stop reading now.

Lord Business wants to glue everything solid so no one can mess with his carefully constructed universe. To do this, he plans to use a superweapon called the “Kragle” — a tube of Krazy Glue with the label partially rubbed off. If you want to see real Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder personified, Lord Business is your man.

He hates chaos and wants to do something to stop it. By unleashing the Kragle, he hopes to make it impossible for others to come along and “mess with his stuff.”

When my OCD was at it’s worst, I craved order. I’ve also been the parent of two toddlers. And as we all know, toddlers are messy.

By the end of a typical day, Sean and Duncan would routinely transformed the living room into a sea of debris, with toys covering the carpet and blankets and couch cushions tossed about randomly (the cushions still make me crazy).

I went absolutely mad on a daily basis, trying to stay one step ahead of the chaos, picking up toys and cushions as the kids deposited them on the floor. They’d dump stuff, I’d pick it up, and they’d dump more stuff. It got so bad that my heart felt like it would explode every time.

It led to me yelling at the kids a lot. That yelling is what made me start to look in the mirror and contemplate big changes in my life.

I won’t lie: I still don’t like chaos. But I have, for the most part, learned to peacefully co-exist with it. It helps that the kids are older and, though still messy, there’s more of an order to their messiness. They’re also old enough to clean up after themselves now.

Lord Business ultimately sees the error of his ways and has a change of heart.

I doubt the people who made this movie set out to create an OCD case study. But like most films made for children, you can pull plenty of life lessons from this one.

lego movie

25 Things That Won’t Really Piss Off Friends With OCD

The Dorm Stormer website has a photo spread of about 25 things it claims will piss off friends with OCD.

As someone who does have OCD, let me offer my two cents.

Mood music:

Straightaway, the photo spread strikes me as dumb: I don’t feel irritated or insulted. It lacks cleverness and real humor.

OCD humor done well is something I enjoy. If you can make me laugh about the condition I live with every day, then I salute you. But you have to do it well, and this article doesn’t. It falls back on the oldest clich&eactue;s in the book.

The misspelled words on the parking lot pavement? If I saw it in front of me I’d have a good laugh, take a picture and put it on Twitter and Facebook. But the sight of it would not yank my triggers.

Fire Misspelling

Same goes for the orange juice in the grocery section marked “eggs.”

The mismatched soda bottles and crooked pictures? That shit got old a long time ago.

pepsi bottle fail

The examples used barely scratch the surface of what true OCD suffering is about — the constant worry and paranoia, the sleepless nights, the stress-induced amplification of addictive behavior, the fear of leaving one’s house and having to talk to other people.

My friend, if you found imagery to lampoon that stuff, I’d me lapping it up.

Try again.

dormthumb

How to Apply for Social Security Benefits for OCD Suffers

Guest blogger Ram Meyyappan explains how severe-OCD sufferers can receive financial help.

If you suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), Social Security Disability (SSD) benefits may be available to you. Before applying, you will want to learn more about the application, review, and qualification processes with the Social Security Administration (SSA). The following tips will help you better understand the programs available and the process of applying.

Tip #1: Understand How to Medically Qualify for Benefits for OCD 

The SSA reviews OCD claims under the listing for anxiety-related disorders in the Blue Book, which is a manual of disabling conditions and the medical evidence needed to qualify for benefits with each of those conditions.

The listing that applies to OCD requires your medical records prove you experience persistent and severe symptoms that include at least one of the following:

  • Anxiety
  • Irrational fears
  • Panic attacks
  • Compulsions or obsessions
  • Reliving traumatic events

In addition to documenting symptoms matching at least one of those listed above, your medical records must also document that your OCD also causes:

  • An inability to function outside your own home without constant assistance or monitoring

OR

  • Severe issues that include two of the following:
    • Pronounced difficulties in completing everyday activities, including essential activities of daily living
    • Functioning socially
    • Concentrating, completing tasks, or moving at a reasonable pace
    • Recurrent episodes of increased symptoms, even while undergoing treatment

For more information on medically qualifying with OCD, read OCD and Social Security Disability.”

Tip #2: Learn How to Financially Qualify for Benefits 

The SSA also requires you to meet certain financial or technical eligibility requirements to receive SSD benefits through either or both of the disability programs available:

  • For Supplemental Security Income (SSI) benefits, you must have very limited income and other financial resources you can draw on.
  • For Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI), you must have worked and earned work credits by paying Social Security taxes, making $1,070 per month or less due to OCD. This is what the SSA considers the threshold for substantial gainful activity (SGA).

You can read more about SSDI and SSI in “Benefits for People With Disabilities.”

Tip #3: Fill Out the Application Completely

To be approved for disability benefits, you must completely fill out the application and ensure the information is accurate and matches your medical records. It is good to have another individual, such as a friend, family member or Social Security advocate or attorney, review your application prior to filing. They may see missing details or contradictory statements that you have overlooked.

Missing or incomplete information in your application will cause delays in the review of your claim. These kinds of errors can also result in your being found ineligible for benefits. For this reason, providing thorough documentation and accurate information on the SSA’s forms is crucial.

Tip #4: Appeal If Your Claim Is Denied

If your claim for SSD benefits is denied, you can file an appeal. The first appeal is typically a request for a reconsideration review of your application. This must be filed within 60 days of that date of the denial notice you receive in the mail.

If you are denied a second time, you will need to request an appeal hearing before an administrative law judge to continue trying to get disability benefits. That request for appeal must also be filed within 60 days of the denial notice you receive.

Ram Meyyappan writes for the Social Security Disability Help blog.

You Can’t Fight Depression with Unicorns and Rainbows

In recent days I’ve watched an interesting online discussion about depression and bipolar disorder. One one side is author and speaker Natasha Tracy, whose writing pulls no punches about the dark side of such maladies. On the other side is a blogger named Sarah Ryan. She believes the approach to addressing the subject should be uplifting and sunny.

The truth is somewhere in between, in my opinion. But I must say that the sunshine part is useless if we don’t pick apart the darkness first.

Mood music:

Taking a shot at Tracy and her work, Sarah suggests a new voice is needed. Her beef: Tracy’s articles are dark to the point of ridiculous. She writes:

I am struck by the negativity that many major health-care websites are perpetuating, such as healthyplace.com, healthline.com, and answers.com. They are advertising Ms. Tracy as an expert on those sites, so if that is the case, I’m sure the vast majority of her readers will assume they can trust her message and treat it as fact-based. Here’s the rub: I find her message to be wrought with negativity, misinformation, and deeply internalized social stigma.

Sarah hopes to be a “much needed counter balance to this sort of negativity.” Sarah’s blogging is part of a larger project called “Find More Out There,” designed to explore the realities of bipolar disorder via film and other media.

As a long-time sufferer of depression and OCD, I appreciate what she’s doing. Sufferers do need hope, and in my own blogging I try to outline all the light I’ve found at the other side of the darkness.

But I also respect Tracy’s work. Sure she leans more toward the dark side. The titles she uses demonstrate that:

  • How Are You? – I’m Not Fine, I’m Bipolar
  • Can You Die From Bipolar Disorder? (*Saving you more time, the answer is yes)
  • More Ways to Die from Bipolar Disorder
  • Trying Bipolar Therapy You Don’t Believe In – Mindfulness Meditation
  • I’m Too Tired to Keep Fighting Bipolar Disorder

Sarah uses those titles as proof Tracy is too negative.

But here’s the thing: Depression and all the mental disorders that feed it are a nightmare. When you’re in the thick of it, all seems lost. It sucks. People need to say it sucks. My healing — an ongoing process with plenty of setbacks and advances — couldn’t begin until I peeled back every layer of my fear, anxiety and depression. That took years.

For the sufferer to find tools to get better, they have to know they’re not alone. The old cliché that misery loves company is true. When you realize you’re in good company, it becomes easier to stand up and do something about it.

But once the sufferer has that epiphany, they need guidance to start building the tools of recovery. Sarah’s project holds promise there.

I’d love to see these two voices collaborate on something. The fruits of such an effort could be powerful.

unicorn pooping a rainbow