The OCD Diaries

April 2, 2010

The OCD Diaries 4-2-10: Long-haired Freaks

Mood music for this post: “Hurt,” by Johnny Cash (cover of the Nine Inch Nails song):

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o22eIJDtKho&hl=en_US&fs=1&]

Going through an old stack of books this afternoon, I found this photo:

I’m on the left holding the bass. On the right is Sean Marley. I told you about him in the post “Marley and Me.”

The photo is one of those stupid mock rock magazine covers, shot in the summer of 1989 at a carnival on the grounds of the Suffolk Downs racetrack near Revere Beach.

It was a simpler time. I had seen my share of illness and death by then, but that summer was a more innocent era. As close to normal as things got back then.

My addictive behavior had already taken root but wasn’t yet at the self-destructive point. The OCD was there at that point, but I hadn’t yet become aware of the patterns. All I knew at that point was that I hated authority and I had a mighty temper.

Sean was a unique character with a dark side at that point, but he was not yet showing signs of a depression that would eventually kill him. That wouldn’t show its wretched face for another five years.

That summer was about parties in my basement, music and getting ready for college.

I had absolutely no clue what was ahead of me.

The kid in that picture wouldn’t like who I am today. He would despise the Catholicism and make fun of the 12-Step program. But we’d still have a love of heavy metal in common.

Come to think of it, if today I had to spend time in the same space as the kids in that picture, I probably wouldn’t like either of them all that much. I’d tolerate them though.

I’m Blessed beyond comprehension with the life I have today. But, admittedly, looking at that picture hurts a little. A lot of good people have come and gone since then.

It’s a little overwhelming to think about, so instead I’ll go to bed.

April 2, 2010

SLOB

Erin pointed something out to me earlier: Ever since I got a handle on my OCD, I’ve been a slob.

Sure, I shower daily and clean my clothes, but when my mind was off the rails, I was a cleanliness freak. Everything had to be put away just so. Coming home to find a couch pillow on the floor would send me into a tizzy.

Now I’m apparently leaving a lot of things lying around: Books, kids’ backpacks, my shoes and laptop bag, and so on.

On the one hand, I feel much better not getting so wound up about these things. On the other hand, it makes for a messy house. Call it the other side of the extreme.

I guess I should get to work on that one.

Funny thing, though. Back in Revere I was usually a slob, letting that basement bedroom fill up with dirty clothes and used towels. It wasn’t until Erin and I married and got our own place that I started becoming a neat freak.

Feast or famine.

April 2, 2010

Good Friday (From One Sinner to Another)

A Good Friday reflection from someone who has sinned with the baddest of ’em.

Mood music for this post: “Good Friday,” by The Black Crowes:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZQuIeK59To&hl=en_US&fs=1&]

Funny that I picked that song as this entry’s soundtrack. The lyrics actually cut against the grain of what Good Friday is all about. It’s about a broken relationship where forgiveness is not on the agenda.

Actually, that’s exactly why I picked it. Because on this day I’m remembering what Jesus did to give us a second shot at life and redemption.

Truth is, I’m so flawed that I would be screwed without the suffering He went through. I’m grateful for it more than ever, but I also know I’m not done screwing up.

So I carry around guilt, because I feel like I keep slapping Him in the face despite all the agony He went through.

There’s the addictive behavior. True, I put down the most self-destructive addictions. But I still approach other things with the zeal of an addict. Coffee. Technology. Cigars.

There’s still the trouble with honesty. I’m more open to my wife and family than I’ve ever been, but I know there are days when I lie to myself. It’s not a malicious act. It’s just an act of weakness. I don’t even realize I’m doing it when I’m doing it.

There’s still the ego. A lot of OCD types have big egos. Achieving big things is one of the ways we try to fill in that hole that’s always dogging us. In my profession, getting access to the major power players of information security is a rush. I feel like I am somebody as a result. When I don’t make it to a big security conference, the wheels in my head start spinning. I start to worry that by not being there, I become irrelevant. Yeah, I gotta work on that.

The trouble with forgiving others. There’s a family member — I won’t name them — I’m not talking to right now. Ours is a relationship with a long history of dysfunction and abuse. Let me be clear: The fault is on both sides. There’s a lot in this relationship I could have done better at. Whatever the case may be, right now our relationship is on ice because we simply can’t see eye to eye. In my mind I forgave this person a long time ago. But I sometimes feel like I’m not doing the full job of forgiveness unless I fully repair the relationship. I’ve been told by more than one priest that it’s not so simple. For now, it is what it is, but I have to keep working at my own issues here. I bring it up every time I go to Confession.

I could go on, but you get the picture.

I’m not special here. We all continuously screw up. I’m just one of the few who will talk about it.

And so I’m grateful today, because there’s a lot of light in my life right now. And there’s nothing like the observance of Good Friday to remind me that no matter how much I get it wrong, I’m never beyond hope.

We often look at bad turns our lives take and complain that we don’t deserve it.

But a lot of us also have a lot of good around us that we don’t deserve, either.

But I’ll take it. And I’ll keep trying to earn it.

April 1, 2010

Things Don’t Go As Planned

A day that doesn’t meet expectations can take you to a pretty dark place when your head isn’t screwed on just right.

Mood music for this post: “Psycho Therapy” by The Ramones:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34wASuHRuRo&hl=en_US&fs=1&]

This day hasn’t gone as planned. That can be frustrating when your brain works the way it’s supposed to.

When the traffic in your skull doesn’t flow properly — which is usually the case when you have OCD — a day that suddenly changes shape will spark a serious case of crazy.

In my case, that means high anxiety, followed by multiple temper tantrums, followed by addictive behavior — binge eating in my case — and then a migraine with the urge to throw up. Not necessarily in that order, but usually in that order.

A flight gets delayed or canceled? Bad reaction. Car breaks down? Bad reaction. A carefully constructed schedule ripped apart by shifting winds? Catasrophic reaction.

Back during the ice storm that paralyzed New England in December 2008, we woke up to no electricity. I didn’t have a particularly heavy schedule that Friday, but I still had plans that involved Internet access. I could focus on nothing else until we found a place in Methuen that had power and Internet access. All so I could look at e-mails and check Facebook.

Pretty damn stupid.

Of course, this was a month before I got my BlackBerry, which has enabled me to stay connected in more recent power outages.

But still, pretty stupid.

All I really had to do that day was spend time with the kids. I did later that day, but I was too wound to enjoy it. That’s what the disease does: rob you of precious moments.

This was only a couple months after I started my 12-Step Program, so my psyche was still pretty raw. It was also at the start of the Christmas season, which always seems to throw me into depression and general craziness.

So about today: It didn’t go at all as planned. I started work at 4:30 a.m., and at 6 a.m. the power went out. No bad weather outside to cause it and no answers from the power company.

I had a full day planned: Record a podcast, post some articles I wrote this week, take a phone call for the book project, and so on.

Then 10 minutes passed and the power remained off. It turned out that most of Haverhill and parts of Methuen and North Andover went dark, so school was called off. Both kids home for the day. A day where I had a packed agenda. We wound up at a friend’s house in Hampstead, N.H., which did have power, and I set about doing the podcast. An hour-long process stretched to three hours, as the podcasting software decided this would be the perfect day to crash repeatedly.

On it went.

The good news is that I managed to hold on to my sanity, although I was fairly crabby. I still am, in fact.

But things worked out, The work got done. Nobody got hurt.

I didn’t binge. I didn’t yell at anyone. I didn’t get any panic attacks.

That’s real progress.

And yet I’m still pissed at myself, because I could have handled today’s twists and turns so much better than I did.

But I’m not going to sit here and dwell on it. Why bother?

Besides, things are looking up.

The sun is finally shining and the pavement is drying.

I’m going to visit the chiropractor in Newburyport shortly, so I’ll be able to get out there and enjoy it. Newburyport is one of my favorite places, and even a drive in for an appointment is a treat.

And Lent is technically over, which means a nice cigar is in my future.