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Our Secret Online Lives

A new problem is emerging as we delve deeper into the online world: Armed with Twitter and Facebook, we’re creating secret double lives without always realizing it.

Mood music:

I’ve watched friends’ marriages and careers come under strain because of this. It’s a bigger problem in relationships, especially if there’s flirting and deep connecting going on between you and someone who is not you’re significant other.

I’m starting to see where I could fall into the trap easily.

On Facebook, Twitter and in the comments section of this blog, I have a lot of exchanges with people. Some are old friends. Some are people I’ve never met and may never communicate with again. Others are friends I’ve made online, where we’ve hit it off over something, but we may have only met a few times at a security conference or tweet-up.

The exchanges are so fast with a lot of people that I don’t really think to bring it up in conversation. I get so many questions and connect with so many people through the blog that it can all become a blur.

I’m starting to see how these things, taken together, can start to resemble a secret life. I always bristle at the suggestion that I’ve built a separate online life because, if it is indeed the case, it’s not a deliberate, lucid move on my part. If I am a man of split personalities, I’d like to think that the personality people see at home, work and in my community is the most real version of me. I’d like to think I’m the same guy online as in real life, especially since this blog is about keeping it real.

But I may also be too dense or naive to see things for what they are.

Let’s face it: When you can go online and post pictures that capture your best side, so to speak, and you can fire off verbiage that’s edgier than what you’d say in person because you’re safe behind the computer, a fake side emerges. People connect with you over common interests and you have banter back and forth. You think nothing of it when you go offline because these aren’t necessarily people you know very well.

There are those who do get into online relationships deliberately because they’re unhappy, lonely, etc. But that’s not me. I’m happily married and love my family. This is usually the stuff I talk about online. I want everyone to know that I’m married, and that no one can compete with my wife. I want everyone to know how smart and bighearted my kids are.

But my contacts are vast because people read this blog or my work sites. It’s especially true of OCD DIARIES readers because if someone is in pain and relates to something I’ve written about, they want to expand on the conversation.

They’ll ping me on Facebook or email and Twitter. These expanded conversations are often the launching pad for follow-up blog posts.

I like to banter with people. To me it’s harmless. But I can see the danger where it can look like flirtation to others.

Why bring this up? Because I often find I have to out myself on real or imagined failings in order for me to make sense of it all and do something about it.

I’m not the only one who should be looking at the dangers. I have many a Facebook friend who acts one way on Facebook and another way in person.  Something about the ability to control your image online that makes that happen. I know people who gush about their significant others online who do nothing but argue with that same person in real life. There are others who talk big and mouth off from the safety of their computer, only to come off as more timid and cowardly in real life.

I don’t think we do this stuff because we’re bad. I think it’s because this online world is still a relatively new place. Those of us who are socially inept in public find we can be who we want to be online. Speaking for myself, I have a hard time articulating myself in conversation. Because I can do it in online writing, I go to town, so to speak. The difference between me and others is that I try to keep it honest at all times. Sometimes, I fail. Not because I’m trying to mislead the reader, but because I’m lying to myself. When it comes to denial, addicts are masters of the form.

I know people who stay off Facebook for exactly these reasons. I know some people whose spouses won’t allow them them on Facebook because they don’t want them flirting with people and leading that secret life.

I like to think I’m easy to read, that those closest to me should have no trouble understanding who I am or what my intentions are. I guess this, like everything else in life, isn’t meant to be easy.

Be careful how you conduct yourselves online, my friends. And whatever you do, don’t try to create a secret online life. It can never replace those in you’re immediate circle and, if it’s a facade, it’ll fall down eventually.

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Sumo Wrestler With An Itch For Life

This is one of many photos I took for a slideshow during the recent RSA Conference. For obvious reasons, I didn’t put it in the final slide deck. But this is a personal blog, so what the hell…

I actually liked this guy. He always had that smile on whenever I passed his booth. A smile like that is contagious.

The slideshow, for CSO, was of the more interesting scenes from the RSA exhibit floor. You can see the whole thing here.

As for running this shot, I doubt he would mind. He does, after all, where a diaper for a living.

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When Difficult Kids Turn Out Alright

Readers know by now that Erin and I have a big challenge — helping our second child manage ADHD. He’s often difficult. Fair enough. I was a difficult child, too.

Duncan is actually tame compared to the 8-year-old me. He’s never filled up my gas tank with a garden hose. He’s never lit his plastic toys on fire, nearly burning down the house in the process. He’s never stolen money from his Dad’s wallet. He doesn’t bring home revolting report cards. That stuff was all me.

But it’s easy for me to forget those things when I’m the parent. When Duncan leaves a path of destruction around the house, causes scandal in the schoolyard by telling classmates Santa isn’t real or earns a note home from a teacher concerned that he’s not playing well with others, all the worries start about where he’s headed in life.

But I have hope.

Erin found a blog post from Rick Ackerly — a nationally recognized educator and speaker with 45 years of experience working in and for schools, dealing with kids of every harrowing stripe. It’s about how difficult children often grow up to be enormously successful adults.

He writes about an encounter he had on a flight with a CEO and three other high achievers. They talked about how they were bratty, rebellious children, and how the resulting experiences proved more valuable than a college education. He then says:

I put these stories together like this, not to try to convince parents and other educators that being bad is good, nor that one should hope for a difficult child, but to remind us of three critical education principles:

1) Difficulty, conflict, struggle, mistakes, disappointment and failure are where most learning comes from—usually the most important learning.

2) Difficulty is the life we are preparing our children for. We naturally hope that our children will be happy and successful, but that is a mirage–and we know it. The life they will get is a life of challenge, and the best preparation for challenge is challenges. When it’s harder for us, it might be better for them.

3) Raising difficult children might interfere with the rainbow life we were hoping for, but it might be better for the world. Remember Sarah Elizabeth Ippel, the willful child who started a charter school in one of Chicago’s poorest neighborhoods when she was 23 and now at the age of 30 is running the thriving, vibrant Academy for Global Citizenship serving 250 students, 81% of whom are low income.

Someday I want to be on a flight from Chicago to Decatur with the Spanish teacher, the CEO, and your formerly difficult child.

Having a difficult child may be difficult, but it is not the worst thing that could happen to you.

If you haven’t seen his blog yet, you need to do yourself a favor and bookmark it. Every parent should read his work.

One would think I don’t need such reminders. Despite my rough patches, I turned out fine. I have a beautiful family, a successful career in journalism and I’m in the best health I’ve been in for years — despite all my self-destructive behavior.

But as I said, when you’re the parent, you forget and need lots of reminders.

Thanks for that, Mr. Ackerly.

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Shame, Denial After Fatal Haverhill House Fire

A fatal house fire isn’t usually a topic for this blog. But the way people are behaving after such a tragedy in Haverhill, Mass., is a shameful case study in denial and lack of personal responsibility — human conditions that can damage us and those we love.

Mood music:

The son of the victim is lashing out at firefighters, saying their training should have been enough for them to get his mom out in time. Firefighters are blaming the mayor for the tragedy because of staff cuts to the fire department.

It’s the latter part that makes me want to hurl.

Here’s some detail from my former employer, The Eagle-Tribune:

HAVERHILL — The death of an elderly woman in an early morning inferno yesterday torched a political maelstrom, with firefighters saying she may have survived had Mayor James Fiorentini not cut two men from their rescue truck.

One firefighter went so far as to say the mayor should be “charged with murder.” Fiorentini and public safety officials maintain the $200,000 cut and the resulting loss of two firefighters to man the rescue truck played no role in the death of 84-year-old Phyllis Lamot.

“No amount of manning would have changed this tragedy,” said Public Safety Commissioner Alan DeNaro.

Firefighter Todd Guertin, a leader in the firefighters union, said Fiorentini “should be charged with murder for taking the rescue truck out of service over a dispute with the union.”

Death is always hard to deal with, especially when it comes like this. Loved ones left behind will obsess about who’s to blame and what could have been done differently until it hurts too much to think anymore.

If you’re in the business of saving lives, it has to be terrible to see someone die on your watch.

The sickening part of this case is that firefighters used a tragedy to score political points. It’s something that happens all too often in this city. I wholeheartedly agree with The Eagle-Tribune editorial on the matter:

The Haverhill firefighters union’s use of the tragic death of an elderly woman in a house fire to score a political point against the mayor is yet another black mark on the scandal-ridden organization.

At the same time, there needs to be an independent investigation into the death of Phyllis Lamot in the Wednesday morning fire at 477 Washington St.

At issue is the staffing level on a rescue truck after Mayor James Fiorentini cut $200,000 from the department to cover a shortfall in the overtime budget. The crew of the truck was reduced from three to one.

The firefighters said at a press conference yesterday afternoon that, had the rescue truck been fully staffed, firefighters could have entered the burning three-decker and saved Lamot, 84.

One firefighter in particular, Todd Guertin, a member of the union leadership, said yesterday morning that the family of the woman should sue the city for wrongful death and that Mayor Fiorentini is guilty of murder.

“This was a political move when the city has over $10 million in reserves,” Guertin said. “The mayor should be charged with murder for taking the rescue truck out of service over a dispute with the union.”

That is an appalling statement for which both the city and the union should demand an apology.

Exactly.

Grief does things to the mind. It causes reasonable, sane people to make outrageous statements. It puts people on the defensive. And we deny realities that are right in front of us.

When all is said and done, it’s pointless to place blame.

Firefighters went to the scene and did their job. Unfortunately, a woman didn’t make it out alive. It sucks, but it happens.

The city cut resources from the fire department because of a budget crunch. It sucks, but it happens.

We can never know if a couple more people would have made the difference.

The investigation The Eagle-Tribune calls for should happen. We may well learn something from it.

In the meantime, the firefighters union should stop trying to lay blame at someone else’s feet.

Death is a risk that comes with the job, whether the victim is a firefighter or someone he’s trying to save. You knew that when you signed up.

Own it.

Photo credit: PAUL BILODEAU/The Eagle-Tribune -- A firefighter continues to clean-up after a two-alarm fire at 477 Washington St. in Haverhill early Wednesday morning. One woman died and two others were taken to the hospital.
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Depressed? Try These Remedies (Or Don’t)

I noticed on Facebook this morning that one of my friends is still fighting a persistent bout of depression. She said something about staring at her clenched fist for nearly ten minutes.

Mood music:

http://youtu.be/lspjLG9nHXk

We’ve compared notes on our depressed moments in the past, and since I dealt with a lot of depression in December and January (give or take a month. Winter’s a bitch) I thought I’d share some observations.

–The extra darkness of winter always fucks with me. But I’ve noticed something on my early-morning drives to the office — the sun is coming up earlier and earlier. By the time I pulled into the parking lot at 6 a.m., it was almost completely light out. More daylight is powerful medicine for the depressed mind.

–Despite the mood music I chose for this post, most of my musical selections of late have been the more party-oriented rock, like Van Halen. Van Halen always makes me think of summer, which warms the colder parts of my brain. Whatever your musical tastes are these days, I suggest listening to stuff that’s more shallow from a lyrical standpoint. If that fails, go for the dark humor. Ministry and Suicidal Tendencies works for me on that score.

–My depression used to be enhanced during political years like this because I used to think election outcomes mattered more than they really do. These days, though, I find the political news to be a source of spirit-lifting comedy. With guys like Santorum and Gingrich running for president, how can you not laugh?

–You’re going to hear a lot of people suggesting diet remedies. When I show my dark side, someone always suggests a gluten-free diet, either forgetting or not realizing I already avoid flour and sugar. These people are annoying, but they mean well. Just smile and walk away.

–As you walk the streets of New York City today, take a moment to appreciate the absurdity of humanity. Example: When I see scores of people talking at the air in front of them, Bluetooth device sticking out of their ear, it makes me feel cooler than everyone else. I don’t need an earpiece to talk to myself.

I realize these things might not help much. But if it helps a little, I’ve done my job.

Rainbow Puke by Dion Lay

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#LulzSec Lesson: Narcissism Will Get You Every Time

In my job as an information security scribe, I find case studies in mental distortion almost daily. Today’s news about LulzSec’s ringleader is no exception.

Mood music:

This morning we’re following the story of how leaders of the hacker group LulzSec  were rounded up this morning, with law enforcement acting on information apparently supplied by the group’s alleged leader — Hector Xavier Monsegur, nickname “Sabu.” What strikes me is how much this guy appears to have craved attention.

There are pictures of him eating a doughnut and smirking for the camera.Hector LulzSecThere are details of how he secretly started working against his comrades months ago, supplying law enforcement with the noose they needed to hang his enterprise from the gallows.

There are reports that he was outed months ago. But outing people like this is easy when they can’t bring themselves to lay low and keep their mouths shut.

This is one of the things that I’m always fascinated about when covering cybersecurity. The industry is full of strong personalities — some very smart, some not so much — who reflect the best and worst of humanity at all times.

The story of Sabu is, among other things, about how narcissism will always bring you down in the end. When you crave the spotlight and are willing to throw your buddies under the bus to get it, everything else will untimately come crashing down around you.

As I’ve written before, I’m not immune to this.

I’ve always wondered if I was a narcissist. I’ve been wondering even more since someone asked me awhile back when I reached a point in my recovery where I stopped being self-absorbed. I had to be honest and tell her I still get self absorbed. All the time.

People with obsessive-compulsive tendencies are basket cases about being in control. Maybe it’s simply control of one’s sanity. Usually, it’s control of situations and people you have no business trying to control.

I went looking for a definition and found this on Wikipedia:

Narcissism is the personality trait of egotism, vanity, conceit, or simple selfishness. Applied to a social group, it is sometimes used to denote elitism or an indifference to the plight of others. The name “narcissism” was coined by Freud after Narcissus who in Greek myth was a pathologically self-absorbed young man who fell in love with his own reflection in a pool.

So, let’s see…

I’ve never fallen in love with my reflection. Usually, when I look in a mirror, it’s to make sure I don’t look too fat. I don’t get people who insist on having their bedroom or bathroom fitted with wall-to-wall mirror. I’ve also gone through long periods of hating myself.

But I am guilty of thinking I’m better than the guy sitting next to me. I probably think I’m a better writer than I really am. There are days when I think a little too highly of myself.

We all get that way, of course. Some can bring it under control and keep it from ruining their lives and that of others. I’d like to think I’m doing better on that score. But as the alleged leader of LulzSec demonstrates, the urge for attention can be impossible to fight.

That’s not to say I sympathize with him or the friends he sold out. In my opinion, their antics came at the expense of many innocent bystanders who get up everyday and try to make an honest go at life.

This time, Sabu’s narcissism seems to have worked to the benefit of the good guys.

Of course, a few months from now he’ll probably be working for a security company and writing his memoir. Life is twisted that way.

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Beyond Boing Boing: Xeni Jardin Inspires Me

I’m a long-time reader of the Boing Boing site and have always been particularly fond of the work of editor Xeni Jardin. Her openness in talking about her breast cancer makes me appreciate her all the more.

Jardin’s greatest strength as a writer has always been her ability to focus on the human side of technology, and she was doing just that in early December when she live tweeted her first mammogram. She poked fun at a procedure that scares the hell out of most women who have one for the first time, saying, among other things:

Comparing her experience to Katie Couric’s TV-documented colonoscopy some years back, she said:

At the end of this string of tweets came this:

She filled in the blanks with a column later on, in which she described having an ultrasound:

Dr. Kristi Funk is her name. How can anything go bad when the doctor’s name is Funk, and there are so many funny things to tweet? She told me to lie down, put some goop on my chest, and waved a wand through the goop. The waves appeared on a screen. It looked like NASA video, something the Mars rovers might transmit home to a JPL engineer searching for distant water.

She showed me a crater in the waves, a deep one, with rough edges and a rocky ridge along the northern rim. Calcification. Badly-defined boundaries. Not the lake we’d hoped to find.

“The first thing you’re going to learn about working with me is that I’m a straight shooter,” Dr. Funk said. Her voice was steady and reassuring.

“That’s how you know you can trust me. I’m going to tell you everything, and I’m going to tell it to you like it is.”

I forget the rest of what she said, but it added up to this: the crater was cancer.

As the words sank in, the Mars rover crawled over another steep ridge, out of the crater and into a valley, and found one of my lymph nodes, larger and darker than the others. A rocky prominence. A sentinel node. No water there, just fast-dividing cells that kill.

I believe that we are looking at breast cancer, and that it has spread to one of your lymph nodes, she said. 

Since then, Jardin has taken her readers through every step of her treatment experiences. She started a Twitter exchange the other day about how to wake up veins that have collapsed from too many IV needles. Having suffered through the collapsed veins as a kid when Crohn’s Disease made regular IV drips necessary, I knew how valuable this kind of exchange was.

She has tweeted about the sickening effects of chemo and not being able to taste her coffee in the morning.

She’s done it all with a lighthearted demeanor that makes the suffering accessible and less scary. For us, at least.

I’ve always had enormous respect for those who share the experience of a medical procedure many consider embarrassing. Many women are reluctant to get their boobs flattened into pancakes, just as I’ve never enjoyed the frequent colonoscopies I have to have because the childhood Chrohn’s Disease makes me a high risk for colon cancer in middle age.

But when someone shares the experience, it becomes less embarrassing and, more importantly, less mysterious and scary.

That’s why I’ve always respected Couric. Her on-air colonoscopy happened before Facebook and Twitter, where people share so much that nothing is surprising anymore. She did it to raise awareness after colon cancer killed her husband.

It made the procedure a lot less scary for people.

Jardin has done an admirable job making breast cancer treatment less scary. I think that will inspire a lot of women to get early mammograms that may well save some lives.

This post is to thank her and encourage my own readers to tweet her some words of support as she continues the fight. Her Twitter handle is @xenijardin. Thanks.

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The Hypocrisy Of This Contraception Debate

Updated March 14 with this example of outrage from the Arizona legislature.

I don’t get why the Republican Party is bogging itself down in this contraception debate. In pandering to the religious groups, they’re ignoring the economic woes people care about most. That’s especially silly because the economy if an issue that’s big trouble for President Obama.

Would it not be wise to stick to the issue your opponent is weakest on? That’s my big question. But for me, a devout Catholic who is told every day by my church leaders that contraception is against God’s plan, the debate is more about hypocrisy.

Mood music:

http://youtu.be/60b7frLVoTc

When the right gets into this battle, which always involves a discussion about the lack of God in government affairs, it’s the same to me as the left suggesting government do everything for us. The right scornfully calls this socialist activism, which God supposedly frowns upon. But isn’t it also social activism to tell us whether we should have prayer in school, a law against gay marriage or a ban on contraception?

I always try to hold true to my Catholic beliefs. Among other things, I oppose abortion. But that’s what I choose to believe.

Religious freedom to me doesn’t mean the right for one religious denomination to control what everyone does. It’s really about the right for people to practice their religious beliefs regardless of whether it’s Islam, Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism or Atheism without fear of government punishment.

I have the freedom to try to be the best Catholic I can be, but in the end it’s my responsibility, not the government’s. I agree with my friend Lori MacVittie, who said “Never confuse the will of the majority with the will of God.” She’ll probably disagree with much of this post, but that’s fine by me. I like when the truly smart people disagree.

As for contraception, the Catholic Church doesn’t believe in it. But it’s not forbidden in every religion. So why are Republicans going at it as if it were?

This debate has turned mean. I’ve never really cared for Rush Limbaugh. He’s a blowhard who throws bombs because his ratings go up whenever he does. That’s why he called Georgetown Law Student Sandra Fluke a slut for testifying before Congress in favor of birth control as part of health care coverage. Calling someone a slut is ratings gold. Those who advocate a boycott of his sponsors miss the point. The only way to silence this asshat is to get people to stop listening to him. When people stop showing up, that’s when the sponsors walk away.

Rush knows this. He also knows there are enough mean-spirited people in the country to keep his career coasting along.

Where does God stand on the matter? A lot of people think they know the answer, but they don’t, really. They are not God, and neither am I.

All I know is that people are mean in how they choose to stand up for their beliefs. As a Catholic, I fail to see where the Christian love and grace is in that.

This is not a defense of the Obama Administration or the left.

This is simply the lament of a guy who believes in God and in pragmatic government.

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Obama Killed Andrew Breitbart? You People Are Stupid

Many of us are shocked this morning to hear that Internet publishing giant Andrew Breitbart is dead. He’s had plenty of haters over the years because of his conservative zeal.

But when folks start suggesting he was murdered by the “liberal,” “socialist” President Obama, I find myself contemplating the idea that the human race may not be smart enough to survive. Also revolting is that some people are celebrating his death because they simply don’t share his ideology.

Mood music:

Personally, I’ve always been indifferent about Breitbart. He passionately expressed his opinions and that was his right. When passion oozes from a person’s pores, someone will inevitably get uptight about the smell. I have my own haters, and I know that’s just the way it is.

But the suggestion in this article that Obama had him offed is human idiocy at its worst. The post displays 25 tweets from people convinced that this death was a White House job. Some examples, taken from the post:

“Does anyone else think this is foul play? Did Obama send his Chicago goons to murder Breitbart?”

“Andrew Breitbart must have been getting too close to the truth about Barack Obama so he was offed! Typical Obama move!”

“Andrew Breitbart threatens Obama at CPAC with a video then suddenly dies? This must be investigated as an assasination Obama. WTF?”

I won’t speculate on how he died. I’ll just wish him a peaceful rest and extend my condolences to his family. As for the conspiracy theorists, I’ll just end with this:

Being stupid on Twitter is your right. You enjoy freedom of speech like the rest of us.

But don’t think for a second that your mindless drivel makes you look like the thoughtful intellect you think you are.

That goes for those of you who think the death of a human being is worth cheering.

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Airport Observations

When traveling, I enjoy people watching — especially in airports. Some observations from the Virgin America terminal in San Francisco…

Mood music:

–The TSA lady who frisked the young woman with two kids in tow seemed to be enjoying herself a bit much. The mom stared stoically into space while her kids got a first-class education on freedom and privacy in America.

–The line at the Peet’s Coffee stand is about a quarter mile, and the kid crying behind me isn’t helping the impatient, caffeine starved grown-ups manage very well. His parents seem perfectly at ease though. They’re ignoring the kid, which is probably why he’s crying so much.

–The terminal has some very comfy leather chairs. But they are bolted to the floor and not even remotely close to the power outlets.

–The waitress who served me breakfast was freakishly cheerful considering the crush of starved. impatient humanity around her. It was actually an inspiring example of grace under pressure.

–Lots of flights are delayed. Not because of the weather, but because so many people haven’t shown up to board on time. That means the San Francisco fog has mucked up traffic. Or it could be that these people are just rude and inconsiderate. Good thing they don’t hold up planes indefinitely for stragglers.

–The Peet’s coffee I finally got to purchase really hits the spot. But it’s not nearly as awesome as the Vietnamese coffee I was introduced to at lunch yesterday. I must learn how it’s made and what kinds of beans are needed.

–I’m grateful as I sit here. The RSA Conference and B-Sides was exhausting but a smashing success. I got to see a lot of people I usually only get to talk to in cyberspace. But I’m even more grateful that I’ll be seeing my wife and kids in a few hours.

Seize the day, friends. And if you’re traveling by plane and fish is on the menu, order the cheese and crackers instead.

File:Airplane!.jpg