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Walk All Night Against Suicide

Update: I’ve set up my donations page. To donate, click here.

Though this blog is about dealing with the challenges we face, I started it to raise awareness and bust down stigmas around depression and suicide.

It’s time for me to take that fight to the next level.

Mood music:

I’ve been inspired to do more by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, which will hold an overnight walk in Boston June 27-28. My legs work almost as well as my typing fingers, so why not? Words can only do so much.

You can register or donate money to the cause through the organization’s website. I’ll be asking you for donations and walking in honor of my best friend and brother, Sean Marley, who died by suicide on November 15, 1996.

I’ve written a lot about Sean and the effect his death had on me. Having had my own battles with depression, I know how thin a line it is between hope and hopelessness. Though Sean couldn’t be saved, losing him forced me to confront many of the demons at the heart of my own infirmity. That made me stronger.

This event is bigger than me, bigger even than Sean. Every minute of every day, countless people suffer from depression. Once they slip far enough, suicidal instincts take over.

With more awareness, research and support programs, we can save more people. Not everyone, but maybe enough to make a difference in the world.

Money raised is well spent. The organization funds research, creates educational programs, advocates for public policy, and supports survivors of suicide loss.

During this fundraiser, participants will spend the entire night walking the streets of Boston. They will share stories and offer each other comfort and prayers. Each person will be strengthened by friends, family, and colleagues who donate to their cause.

This is an incredibly appropriate way for me to do my part.

Sean and I grew up on Revere Beach, just north of Boston, and we spent much of our young years walking that beach. Sometimes we drank there. Once we got caught up in a fight there. Often we sat on the wall, listening to rock ‘n’ roll from a portable cassette player. But mostly we walked on the sand, talking over the big questions of the day, sharing our hopes, dreams and fears and pushing toward the dawn.

Back then our walking feet gave us strength. May those feet come through again, this time for all who suffer from this insidious disease.

Rememberance Candles on Suicide Walk

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My Biggest Critic Sounds Off: Two Angry Responses

I once wrote that writers like me need our critics to keep honest. This post is a tribute to my biggest critic: fellow infosec professional Dave Marcus.

Mood music:

A few things about Dave:

  • Despite everything that follows, we’re good friends with similar musical tastes.
  • He owns some of the coolest guitars on the market, but he doesn’t play. The guitars hang on a wall like Han Solo frozen in carbonite.
  • He’s an avid weight lifter.
  • His critiques have forced me to do more gut checks than anyone else’s.
  • As critical as he is, he does agree with some of what I write.

Here are two of his most colorful critiques.

Critique 1: “This post is escapism and blame.”

When I wrote a post suggesting that all parents have their flaws, Dave went nuttier than Charles Manson on a hot summer night.

Not all of us were raised by lousy parents. Not all of us ARE lousy parents. No matter how one was raised at a certain point your life becomes your own responsibility. Not your parents’. Not your genes’. Not your phobias’. This post, to me, is escapism and blame. I choose to fix the problem and not the blame.

Critique 2: “Are you trying to superimpose your issues on the rest of us?”

After I wrote that there’s a burnout problem in the infosec industry, fueling cases of depression, Dave was particularly incensed. He wasn’t the only one to disagree, but he expressed himself eloquently in a private Facebook exchange he later gave me permission to share.

The scene: I’m working when a Facebook chat box alarm sounds. 

Dave: Your last few OCD articles seem to really try to pigeonhole the whole community as obsessed and mentally ill. Are you trying to superimpose your issues on the rest of us? Your last article really annoys me. Do you feel that depression runs deep in the community? My issue is that you and the greater InfoSec Burnout movement sounds more and more like its an InfoSec problem or job/workplace-centric problem rather than a mental health problem that the individual brings with them originally. Granted, you may be getting lost in their greater noise. You are more balanced usually.

Me, trying to be diplomatic: I agree with your last statement and have written a gazillion posts making the point that it starts with the individual. But because we are trying to address burnout in our industry as one of many byproducts/triggers, some see it as us painting everyone with the same brush. There are aspects of this we are simply never going to agree on. It is also my observation — and I do not mean this as an insult — that if you are personally not affected by something, you don’t see is as legitimate. My experience is that there is no one-size-fits-all path.

Dave: Without research and study all you are left with is opinion.

So you see, Dave is one tough critic. He makes powerful points, and sometimes he goes off his rocker. But I love the guy.

Dave Marcus and the words Doesn't even attribute
Meme courtesy of Michael Schearer
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A Generation of Do-Nothing Kids

An article in The Huffington Post asks an important question: Are we raising a generation of helpless kids? It would be wrong to paint every parent with one broad brushstroke, but we can’t deny there’s a problem.

Mood music:

http://youtu.be/VrZ4sMRYimw

The HuffPo article begins with the story of a college freshman who dissolves into a puddle of mush after getting a C- on her first exam:

Sobbing, she texted her mother who called back, demanding to talk to the professor immediately (he, of course, declined). Another mother accompanied her child on a job interview, then wondered why he didn’t get the job.

Tim Elmore, founder and president of the nonprofit Growing Leaders and author of the Habitudes series of books, explained the roots of the problem to the writer:

Gen Y (and iY) kids born between 1984 and 2002 have grown up in an age of instant gratification. iPhones, iPads, instant messaging and immediate access to data is at their fingertips. … Their grades in school are often negotiated by parents rather than earned and they are praised for accomplishing little. They have hundreds of Facebook and Twitter “friends,” but often few real connections.

Parents of my generation and older will tell you how we grew up playing in the street unsupervised and learned self-reliance. That’s certainly true for me. I spent my teen years hanging out with friends under a neighborhood bridge and on Revere Beach. My father worked all the time, and I spent many days at home on my own.

Yet it’s our generation that’s hovering over our kids, trying desperately to never let anything bad happen to them. We fill their days with scheduled activities, and yes, some of us fight with teachers over grades.

Elmore suggests this kind of parenting is rooted in the fall of 1982, when seven people died after taking extra-strength Tylenol laced with poison after it left the factory. Halloween was just around the corner, and parents began checking every item in the trick-or-treat bags. From there, an obsession with child security grew.

Fast-forward to Easter 2012, when organizers of an annual Easter egg hunt attended by hundreds of children canceled that year’s event because aggressive parents swarmed into the tiny park the year before, determined that their kids get an egg.

It’s an example of how the concept of keeping kids safe expanded to include shielding them from hurt feelings.

I’m not immune to this stuff. As a parent, I feel horrific when Erin and I have to punish the kids. I hate seeing them cry. I’d be lying if I denied being overprotective at times.

But we’re also determined not to raise helpless kids.

Our kids have responsibilities. They earn allowance for chores, just as we did as kids. If they mouth off, they lose privileges, such as screen time. They fold laundry and scrub the bathrooms. Being in Boy Scouts has helped them. Boy Scouts is all about learning self-reliance.

Does that mean as parents we’ve bucked the modern trend? I don’t know. I only know that we’re trying to.

Crying Toddler

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First Heavy Metal Church of Christ: It Exists!

From the no-joke file: There’s a church that uses heavy metal to preach Christ’s teachings. I was skeptical when reading about it on Vice.com, because that site runs a lot of bullshit. But I looked around and sure enough, The First Heavy Metal Church of Christ is for real.

Mood music:

As a devout but rebellious Catholic and heavy metal fan, this was a thrilling find.

The church uses some awesome slogans:

A Church Where Every Saint Has A Past And Every Hellion Has A Future!!!

A Holy Spirit Freak of Nature

That first line resonates with me for many of the reasons my Catholic faith does: I’m a guy who has done bad things in the past but believes Christ offers me unlimited chances to get it right. St. Peter is probably the ultimate example. He made some bad decisions in life, not the least of which was denying his discipleship three times when the going got tough. But he went on to be the rock of the church, the first pope.

The First Heavy Metal Church of Christ presents itself as a nondenominational alternative for those who love Christ but have had bad experiences going to more traditional churches. That it reaches out to the metal crowd isn’t surprising, because metal fans have been accused of devil worship from the beginning.

What does surprise me is how they built an entire church around a metal theme.

Sermons are often built around classic metal song titles like “To Hell With the Devil,” “Slave to the Grind” and “Peace Sells But Who’s Buying?”

From the website:

To put it in a nutshell, we are a non-denomination, Bible-based Church in a comfortable atmosphere with great music! Our congregation consists of people from all walks of life and age groups. We don’t care what you wear because we just want you there! Our Church has no racial, ethnic or gender barriers and we could care less about your past or present life. We only care about your FUTURE life in Christ!

Now, some of you are probably wondering if I’m ready to drop out of the Catholic Church to go embrace this. The answer is no.

Frankly, I love and need the rituals that encompass the Catholic way of life. I believe in the sacraments and believe I need them, especially those of reconciliation, baptism and matrimony. I am also acutely aware of the failures and evils that have become attached to the church in recent decades and I prefer to be part of the fix instead of abandoning it. And despite my love for heavy metal and the fact that I find a spiritual need fulfilled through the music, I like to keep that part of my life out of the same blender my faith spins around in.

But I’m glad this church exists. There are outcasts out there who yearn for Christ. Traditional denominations have alienated them over time. It’s better that they have a place to go. If it keeps just a few people true to Christ, it’s worth it.

Rock on.

Motorcycle rider with halo on head

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8 Things You Should Know About This Blog

Many family members have recently started reading this blog. Given the semi-autobiographical nature of this beast, misunderstandings have caused friction with a couple people along the way. I’ve written what follows in hopes of clarifying a few things.

Mood music:

http://youtu.be/wovx8GK3WDo

  • I don’t come here to complain about life. Parts of the blog are dark. Other parts are chock-full of my blunt opinions. Some misinterpret that as unhappiness on my part. That’s not the case. Everyone has ups and downs, and I’ve dealt with it in ways right and wrong. I went from being depressed and anxious all the time to confident and mostly happy, and I share both sides of the coin with readers for two reasons: to clarify things for myself and to tell readers that they’re never beyond repair and never alone.
  • If I seem depressed or angry in a post, it doesn’t mean that I am. Some of you see a post where I recount an episode of depression or a day where my addictive impulses got the better of me and assume that I’m in crisis. Some will read a post I wrote a year ago and think that’s my current state of mind. In reality, these posts are a snapshot in time. Maybe I’m blue at the time of writing, but I share the mood for the sake of a lesson I’ve learned about life along the way — that the bad moods pass and down periods make way for up periods. Usually when you read a post, I’ve long since moved on.
  • I don’t share darker aspects of family history to take shots at people. To share lessons I’ve learned in life, I have to go into detail about where I’ve been, how I got the way I was during the darker times and how I found a better place. If I tell the story of a painful period involving family, it’s not to hurt people. It’s simply to share how certain events shaped me.
  • I don’t claim to be 100 percent accurate 100 percent of the time. When sharing an experience, I never claim it’s gospel. I simply recall things to the best of my memory. But no two memories are the same, and if you ask four people to tell you what they remember, you’ll hear four slightly different versions of the same tale. That’s especially true when recalling childhood memories. If you see something that doesn’t ring true, tell me. In every case, I’m going for the truth.
  • I’m much harder on myself than I will ever be on anyone else. A lot of this blog is about the mistakes I’ve made in life and what I’ve learned from them. I’ve been told repeatedly that I’m too hard on myself, but I disagree. Part of the blog is about keeping myself honest and keeping myself on a positive trajectory. A merciless self-inventory from time to time is essential.
  • “Why is he doing this now?” One family member asked that question, and here’s my answer: I started the blog so that I could use writing to put my experiences in perspective. It’s been helpful to me, and in the process many people have told me it’s helped them as well. We all need a dose of perspective, so I try to do my part. It’s also not all about me. I accept guest posts, and that includes those from family members. I’ll run posts that fit this blog regardless of how I’m portrayed, because, as I said, everyone’s memory captures things a little differently. For a more complete picture of what this blog is about, read this.
  • I’m not here trying to pass myself off as an expert on life. For a better explanation of that, go here.
  • People don’t dissect the blog in search of faults the way you think they do. Whenever an author writes something autobiographical, someone claims they were inaccurately portrayed and that everyone will read about them and think the worst. The truth is that since everyone has dysfunction in their families, no one is going to read this sort of blog and pass judgement.

We’re all imperfect people with flaws. Most people are too wrapped up in their own problems to judge those mentioned here based on anything I write.

My hope is that they can read about a tough family situation and see how the lessons apply in their own lives.

If any of this bothers you, call me, email me or hit me up on Facebook.

With love,
Bill

family fight

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Monogamy Isn’t Dead, It’s Just Missing a Hashtag

Chris Messina, the self-proclaimed inventor of the hashtag and advocate for open-web initiatives, has written an article for CNN about why he chooses non-monogamy.

I respect his beliefs. People should be free to love who they want to love. I’m also a happily married, old-fashioned romantic who wonders if people have stopped trying.

Mood music:

Messina writes about being a child of divorce and having had the notion of “happily ever after” monogamy shoved down his throat. He tells us how monogamy established itself thousands of years ago, when society was ruled by scarcity and resources and potential mates were in limited supply, but that:

We’re now living in a period of great (though unequally distributed) abundance where our basic needs are sufficiently met, and reproduction is a choice. As a result, the reasons to be with a single mate for life are less urgent. And with the advent of connected mobile devices and the internet, we’ve entered into the era I’ve dubbed Big Dating. Big Dating unbundles monogamy and sex. It offers to maximize episodes of intimacy while minimizing the risk of rejection or FOMO.

He goes out of his way to reassure those of us who still believe in striving for monogamy:

But fear not: just because a viable alternative to “happily ever after” is in ascendancy doesn’t mean monogamy is irrelevant. To the contrary, it just means that there’s now more than one option for building meaningful and satisfying relationships.

Fair enough. He’s entitled to his point of view. But it all sounds too easy to me. It takes the work out of relationships. And that work is important.

Striving for a relationship where two people are committed to each other was never about achieving the happily ever after. It’s about two people challenging each other. It’s about building something lasting. It’s about facing difficulties and coming out stronger. It’s about casting aside selfishness.

It doesn’t always work. I’m the child of divorced parents, too. I’ve seen a lot of couples destroy each other instead of strengthening one another. Love is hard, and I can see why it puts people like Messina off the idea of monogamy.

But to me, monogamy is still worth the effort. Would I feel differently if I weren’t happily married? Perhaps. But I doubt it.

Messina can have his open relationships. I’ll stick with my one romance.

#LOVE

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I Can Be Hell on the Marriage

Erin and I have a strong marriage. But every marriage requires constant work, and ours is no exception. That work often requires me to look in the mirror.

Mood music:

http://youtu.be/E7xUZkKd58c

For Erin, it means seeing my bad days for what they are and helping me work through them. For me, it means doubling down and fighting back the demons that make me difficult to live with sometimes.

Having experienced all this, an article in Communication Monographs caught our interest. It explores depression and the uncertainty it can cause for couples.

Depression is a chronic condition for me, so it certainly applies.

The article notes that depressed people withdraw from negative situations or social challenges. Feelings of futility and inhibition come into play. Couples where one or both partners experience depression try to preserve the relationship by avoiding conflict.

“This behavior is detrimental to relationships, causing lack of problem resolution, missed bonding opportunities, lack of closeness and questions over commitment,” the article says.

From my perspective, it’s true.

I used to carry around a deep fear of loss that made me avoid painful, truthful conversations we needed. I feared Erin would run out of patience and kick me out.

When we argued, I clammed up. Eventually a wall rose up between us. A few years ago we decided to go to marriage counseling and work through it. The experience drove home that I needed to speak my mind and be honest about my feelings — and that I needed to be a better listener.

It was one of the hardest things I’ve done. That new side of me was no fun for Erin, either. But it was a huge step forward.

My demons have made me less than honest in the past, especially when my addictions were running wild. When you lie, you’re essentially taking a hammer to the trust you build as a couple. It takes a long time to build it back up. Sometimes, the trust never comes back.

I’ve worked damn hard not to let my issues take us there. I’d like to think I’m better than I used to be.

Meanwhile, we’ve developed routines to keep our marriage strong despite the challenges:

  • Once or twice a month, we have date nights. Date nights are critical. If we don’t occasionally focus just on each other, we can lose that original spark.
  • Most days, we stop after work and share the experiences of our day. When the weather cooperates, we do this during walks.
  • We try to never go to bed angry. If the day ends and we have a disagreement, we discuss. It’s not always pretty, but it’s necessary. As an extension of that:
  • We always try to argue well. We don’t call each other names. We don’t threaten each other. We work through things.

We love each other and have found the struggle worth it. We know the struggle is never over.

We know my depression will always be a threat and we must confront it as a couple.

Heartsign, by EddieTheYeti
“Heartsign” by EddieTheYeti
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The Bright Side of Being Buried Alive

Here in Massachusetts, hell has frozen over. We have six feet of snow on the ground and at least two more snowstorms in the forecast. The kids have had 2-3 snow days a week since late January. Public transportation is at a standstill. Words like “unprecedented” and “historic” keep surfacing.

Mood music (sure, this song is about cocaine, but the title fits):

But I’m here to tell my fellow citizens that it could be worse.

Seriously.

True, winter tends to disagree with me. This is the time of year where seasonal depression typically kicks my ass. I’m usually the last guy to see silver linings in those snow clouds. But really, folks, this could be so much worse. Consider the following:

  • The storms so far have dumped light, fluffy snow. That means power outages have been minimal. Here in Haverhill, we’ve had power throughout.
  • Families have gotten a lot of extra quality time this winter. Around here, we’ve enjoyed several movie nights a week instead of the usual one or two. So what if the house is in shambles?
  • In this day and age, the Internet makes working from home much more feasible. A lot of people still have to trudge through the snow to work. But many of us can work anywhere where there’s an Internet connection.
  • It’s no longer pitch black at 5 p.m. Longer days will inevitably give way to spring and warmer weather.

We will survive. We will prosper.

And yes, we will cry some more after another two or three feet have fallen.

snowman with sign: I'll be dead soon

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Brian Williams and the Line Between Truth-Lie

Brian Williams lied and ought to be fired.

Mood music: 

The NBC Nightly News anchor says he “conflated” events when he told the world he was on a chopper that was shot at during the Iraq War. In fact, he was in another chopper an hour behind. I don’t see how one could possibly misremember something as huge as getting shot at.

As this shitstorm intensifies, we’re hearing about other points where he embellished his storytelling, including his work during Hurricane Katrina.

Williams’s integrity has been compromised. In the news business, where truth is the Holy Grail, this is a fatal, self-inflicted wound.

Yet part of me feels badly for Williams.

He did something a lot of people have done: Taking a true story and adding more color to it over time, to the point where the truth part evaporates. People do that all the time. It usually starts off innocently enough, but with each retelling, an embellishment is added here and there. It’s so subtle that the storyteller isn’t always aware of how carried away they’re getting.

The difference is that Williams was trusted to deliver the truth whenever the cameras rolled.

When most other people embellish, it’s in front of a smaller audience, usually a group of friends. Often the storyteller has had a few drinks. Just as often, people in the group are trying to top the last person with something more amusing or outrageous.

Have I ever done it? I’m sure I have. Because I’m human and get caught up in moments, too.

In this blog I do my best to remember events clearly and truthfully and retell it as honestly as I can. Do I misremember things along the way? Probably. My standard operating procedure is to correct the record when that happens. Because lying is too fucking easy. It takes just a millisecond to cross that line.

Williams is paid to be disciplined and accurate; he didn’t merely get carried away among friends. For that he must pay a price.

But I won’t stop feeling just a little bit badly for him.

Brian Williams, NBC Nightly News file photo

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New OCD Diaries Banner

So, you might have noticed something different about the blog’s appearance in recent days.

Your eyes do not deceive you. That IS a new banner.

It’s the work of Eddie Mize, a security professional popularly known as EddieTheYeti. I’ve written a lot about his art and have done a lot of posts where I put words to his images. Think of the new banner as a continuation of that project.

unnamed

Like the last banner, this one captures the light and dark sides of life that I try to capture in the blog daily. On the left is an angel carrying a cross. On the right is a demon. I’m in the middle, constantly being tugged from one side to the other, with the goal of being with the angel most of the time. The demon waits, knowing that sooner or later I’ll make a mistake. Eddie also gave me a pair of wings and a sickle, further illustrating the struggle.

I like it, because it really captures the point of this whole exercise.

Not everyone will like it. But then the same can be said about the posts I write.