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Coming Soon: The OCD Diaries Book Series

For years, people have told me to write a book based on this blog. And for years I’ve resisted because life was busy enough between work, family and writing for three blogs. But after some brainstorming with Erin last weekend, the decision is made: I’m diving in. The time is right.

Mood music:

In 2016 I’ll still write fresh posts here, but my main focus as far as The OCD Diaries goes will be on book writing. Not one book, but a series. There are several recurring themes in the blog and instead of jumping from one to the other in one book, the best approach is several small volumes that zero in on specific themes. The idea is for these to be relatively short essay collections. Instead of merely cobbling together old posts, there will be a lot of fresh writing to fuse things together.

I also want to use a lot of art. Some will be my own. But I have many friends who are artists and I want to use these to give them some more exposure.

We’ll be shopping around for a publisher, but if we can’t find a suitable one we’re going to self publish. One of the great things about the Internet is that it’s easier to go it alone, whether it’s book publishing or music recording. I have one big advantage going in: a lot of experience with publishing and plenty of connections in the business.

These will not be self-help books. I’m too flawed to be telling you how you should deal with life. These are just my experiences and observations. The reader can do what they will with it.

Here’s my early thinking on the different volumes. Any and all feedback is appreciated:

  • Lessons from an Imperfect Childhood: Don’t expect this to be a laundry list of grievances from childhood. I have no grievances. Life happens, and we all go through tough times. I also believe that most of us have imperfect childhoods and that we even need it to be that way. This volume is where I’ll write about the lessons my experiences produced.
  • Turning Mental Disorder into a Superpower: This volume will be a chronological narrative of my struggle with OCD and the magic that happened once I realized the goal wasn’t to beat the disorder but to manage it in ways that turn weakness into strength.
  • Grief Management 3.0: Here, I’ll collect my essays about loss, with a focus on how one gets through it.
  •  The EddieTheYeti Collection: I’ve written a lot of posts based on the work of friend and fellow infosec practitioner Eddie Mize, who has done a lot of remarkable art under the name EddieTheYeti. This book will feature my writing and his art.
  • Living with Depression, Fear and Anxiety: My experiences and lessons from all three will be collected here.
  • The Rebellious Catholic: This volume will have essays from my ongoing spiritual journey.
  • What InfoSec Taught Me About Dealing with Life: My work in the security industry has produced critical lessons on how I need to live my life. Expect an emphasis on the many mistakes I’ve made and why they were ultimately for the good.

Will I get through this whole list in 2016? I doubt it. But the new year will be my starting point. Titles and the number of volumes are also likely to change.

Let the games begin.

Uncle Fester reading a self-help book while lying in bed

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A Musical Approach to Blog Writing

I’m often asked how I came up with my process for writing and promoting my blog posts. Each time I offer a musician’s analogy.

Mood music:

I write posts the way a musician writes a song: scrawling lyrics down on napkins and notepads, perfecting the chorus and bridge of each song by playing them over and over, tweaking them as the mood dictates.

Sometimes I’m writing a one-off post and sometimes I’m writing a series, just as the musician writes a single song or an album’s worth of music. The posts I’ve revolved around the artwork of EddieTheYeti is a good example of the latter.

If I write something I think is particularly good, I’ll post the link to it in different forums across the Internet to bring it to share it with as many people as possible. Sometimes I’ll do that kind of promotion for a day or a week. Sometimes I’ll share links of older posts, bringing them back when they fit a given situation. Whenever the anniversary of the Manson Murders rolls around, for example, I’ll repost links to various related items I’ve written over the years. When the anniversary of a big event in my life comes around, I’ll repost links to what I’ve written about that topic. My older brother’s death is a good example.

Just as songs are meant to be replayed, so are blog posts. I remember reading an interview where Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richard said you’re only doing half the job if you put out an album but don’t tour to support it. That’s how I feel about blog posts. If you have a message to get out, you have to stay on the road, so to speak.

Some songs become popular long after they were released. Bruce Springsteen’s “City of Ruin” took on new meaning right after 9-11 — years after it was first written. I once saw Springsteen talk about that song in an interview. He said sometimes songs go away but come back when you need them. I once wrote a post about Mister Rogers telling children about how the helpers always show up after big tragedies like 9-11 and Hurricane Katrina. Not many people read it at the time I wrote it, but whenever something terrible happens — the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School in late 2012, for example — lots of people read that post.

Musicians always have songs in the collection that they’re not proud of, so they obviously don’t get played live. It’s the same for me. If I write what I think was a shitty post in hindsight, I don’t bring it up again. But I don’t delete them from the blog. I wrote ’em and choose to own ’em forever, for better or worse.

Then I go back into the studio and write some more.

Bill Playing Guitar

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The Boy Inside the Man: An Inspirational Story

This blog is my personal tale. That it helps some people because they can relate to it was an unexpected bonus that I try to live up to. As part of that I will share personal tales from other people that have taught me a lot. The latest example is “Being ‘Whole’ Isn’t My Goal” by Paul Nobles.

I don’t know Nobles personally, but the man captures things I relate to.

He writes of things that happened in childhood that confused him and fostered a lot of anger as a young man. He writes of an invisible hole inside him that he could never fill. He writes of how food filled the hole after he put down the drugs and alcohol. He writes of using exercise as a crutch.

At one point he says:

Inside me is a little boy sitting on a couch with police surrounding me asking if I’m alright and that answer is, ‘No, I am not alright.’ I will never be ALL RIGHT but I am working on that.

Everyone has a story. Please read his.

Survival Book in the Jungle

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Emily Dickinson: Proof You Can Be a Happy Recluse?

Much has been written about the reclusive later years of poet Emily Dickinson. Eventually she rarely left her room, where she sat and wrote thousands of poems that didn’t see publication until years after her death.

Mood music:

https://youtu.be/bV-dWhYklqE

During a tour of her house last week, people in the group speculated on why she wouldn’t leave the house in those years. Did she suffer a mental affliction or phobia? Probably.

But whenever I look at her life, I’m struck by the fact that, despite the likelihood of mental illness, she stayed sharp, stayed creative and seemed happy.

No one will ever be able to tell us what went through her mind in those years. She shared herself in her poetry, to be sure. She wrote a lot about death, no doubt about that. One of her most famous lines was, after all, “Because I could not stop for Death — / He kindly stopped for me.”

But by most accounts, she wasn’t depressed or crazed. She didn’t live in darkness. The first thing that strikes you when seeing her room is that she had huge windows that bathe the room in light and offer spectacular views. In her day, before all the structures and foliage that’s there now, she had a view that likely stretched for miles.

She reveled in the nature right outside her windows. She wrote about adventures had by animals, birds and insects. Each blade of grass was a wilderness:

Fame is a bee.
It has a song—
It has a sting—
Ah, too, it has a wing.

I don’t profess to have any definitive answers on her state of mind. How would I know, anyway?

Reclusiveness is rarely seen as healthy. I know that if I don’t frequently see something of the world, I start to go bananas. I also know that there were times in my teens and 20s when I’d retreat to my room for long periods, and I was not in a good mental state.

But if the stuff that came off of Emily’s pen was any indication, home was all she needed.

Portrait of Emily Dickinson

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The OCD Diaries in the News (UPDATED)

Update: Here’s an audio interview I did for the Standard Deviant Podcast a couple weeks ago…
Episode #1 – Bill Brenner on security journalism, airplane hacking, OCD and heavy metal

“Bill Brenner: 3 Books that Changed My Life“: By Jennifer Minella — In this series, I asked infosec professionals to name 3 books that changed their life. This entry includes picks from journalist, writer and podcaster Bill Brenner.

“In the Right Frame of Mind“: Man’s blog shares mental illness struggles, supports others.

“Man Showed Strength in Sharing Mental Illness Story“: Kudos to Brenner for opening up about his mental illness. He is brave indeed — and the community is all the better for it.

“Magic and Loss: A Conversation with ‘OCD Diaries’ Author Bill Brenner“: Bill Brenner writes one of the most well-regarded OCD blogs on the web. In this podcast episode, Bill takes us on his journey through OCD, overeating, and a 12-step recovery program. Also discussed: Traci Foust, Lou Reed, Jim Morrison, and finding the most interesting parts of ourselves within the pain.

“How Mental Illness Makes Some Executives Stronger“: Today, from the standpoint of removing the stigma and increasing the positive communication around these issues, I’d like to take a look at some of the admirable individuals who are facing mental health diagnoses with exceptional courage, as well as looking at a few well-known entrepreneurs who’ve learned to work with their unique “disorders” in a way that has helped to propel their success.

The OCD Diaries Header

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Just Admit You Were Wrong

When you passionately push opinions, it sucks to be proven wrong later. It’s happened to me plenty of times, and I’ve learned to simply correct the record as I go. Doing so keeps me honest.

What follows are posts I’ve done here and in my work-related blogs when I’ve had a change of heart.

The lesson: When you’re wrong, just admit it. It’s the right thing to do, and it will keep your credibility intact.

“The Women at RSA Conference 2015“
A couple years ago I suggested that renowned writer Violet Blue had no business speaking at BSidesSF because she wasn’t a security practitioner and this was a security conference. As I got to know her work better over time, I realized she did indeed bring something to the table.

“Revisiting My Earlier Argument About Security Curmudgeons“
In May 2011, while writing the Salted Hash blog for CSOonline, I wrote a post called “Take the Word Curmudgeon and Shove It.” I took aim at those in the industry who pride themselves on being cynical and suggested that they cut the vitriol. I still see this as a problem, but back then I painted the community with too wide a brush.

“I Was Wrong About Lance Armstrong“
When Lance Armstrong was first accused of doping, I defended him. I saw someone who had overcome cancer to rise to the top of his game, so I argued that he didn’t deserve to be stripped of his seven Tour de France titles. Time and additional evidence proved me wrong, so I said so.

“The Danger of False Memories“
I didn’t own up to any specific misjudgment in this post. But I did note that in a semi-autobiographical blog, it’s easy to mis-remember the past.

“Spectre of the Past” by EddieTheYeti
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8 Things You Should Know About This Blog

Many family members have recently started reading this blog. Given the semi-autobiographical nature of this beast, misunderstandings have caused friction with a couple people along the way. I’ve written what follows in hopes of clarifying a few things.

Mood music:

http://youtu.be/wovx8GK3WDo

  • I don’t come here to complain about life. Parts of the blog are dark. Other parts are chock-full of my blunt opinions. Some misinterpret that as unhappiness on my part. That’s not the case. Everyone has ups and downs, and I’ve dealt with it in ways right and wrong. I went from being depressed and anxious all the time to confident and mostly happy, and I share both sides of the coin with readers for two reasons: to clarify things for myself and to tell readers that they’re never beyond repair and never alone.
  • If I seem depressed or angry in a post, it doesn’t mean that I am. Some of you see a post where I recount an episode of depression or a day where my addictive impulses got the better of me and assume that I’m in crisis. Some will read a post I wrote a year ago and think that’s my current state of mind. In reality, these posts are a snapshot in time. Maybe I’m blue at the time of writing, but I share the mood for the sake of a lesson I’ve learned about life along the way — that the bad moods pass and down periods make way for up periods. Usually when you read a post, I’ve long since moved on.
  • I don’t share darker aspects of family history to take shots at people. To share lessons I’ve learned in life, I have to go into detail about where I’ve been, how I got the way I was during the darker times and how I found a better place. If I tell the story of a painful period involving family, it’s not to hurt people. It’s simply to share how certain events shaped me.
  • I don’t claim to be 100 percent accurate 100 percent of the time. When sharing an experience, I never claim it’s gospel. I simply recall things to the best of my memory. But no two memories are the same, and if you ask four people to tell you what they remember, you’ll hear four slightly different versions of the same tale. That’s especially true when recalling childhood memories. If you see something that doesn’t ring true, tell me. In every case, I’m going for the truth.
  • I’m much harder on myself than I will ever be on anyone else. A lot of this blog is about the mistakes I’ve made in life and what I’ve learned from them. I’ve been told repeatedly that I’m too hard on myself, but I disagree. Part of the blog is about keeping myself honest and keeping myself on a positive trajectory. A merciless self-inventory from time to time is essential.
  • “Why is he doing this now?” One family member asked that question, and here’s my answer: I started the blog so that I could use writing to put my experiences in perspective. It’s been helpful to me, and in the process many people have told me it’s helped them as well. We all need a dose of perspective, so I try to do my part. It’s also not all about me. I accept guest posts, and that includes those from family members. I’ll run posts that fit this blog regardless of how I’m portrayed, because, as I said, everyone’s memory captures things a little differently. For a more complete picture of what this blog is about, read this.
  • I’m not here trying to pass myself off as an expert on life. For a better explanation of that, go here.
  • People don’t dissect the blog in search of faults the way you think they do. Whenever an author writes something autobiographical, someone claims they were inaccurately portrayed and that everyone will read about them and think the worst. The truth is that since everyone has dysfunction in their families, no one is going to read this sort of blog and pass judgement.

We’re all imperfect people with flaws. Most people are too wrapped up in their own problems to judge those mentioned here based on anything I write.

My hope is that they can read about a tough family situation and see how the lessons apply in their own lives.

If any of this bothers you, call me, email me or hit me up on Facebook.

With love,
Bill

family fight

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New OCD Diaries Banner

So, you might have noticed something different about the blog’s appearance in recent days.

Your eyes do not deceive you. That IS a new banner.

It’s the work of Eddie Mize, a security professional popularly known as EddieTheYeti. I’ve written a lot about his art and have done a lot of posts where I put words to his images. Think of the new banner as a continuation of that project.

unnamed

Like the last banner, this one captures the light and dark sides of life that I try to capture in the blog daily. On the left is an angel carrying a cross. On the right is a demon. I’m in the middle, constantly being tugged from one side to the other, with the goal of being with the angel most of the time. The demon waits, knowing that sooner or later I’ll make a mistake. Eddie also gave me a pair of wings and a sickle, further illustrating the struggle.

I like it, because it really captures the point of this whole exercise.

Not everyone will like it. But then the same can be said about the posts I write.

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The Imperfect Art of Coming Out

As new readers find this blog, they often ask the question I’ve heard many times before: Why the hell did I out myself? Wasn’t I afraid people would blackball me at work? Don’t I worry that I’ll be defined by my struggle with OCD above all else?

It’s a fair question.

Mood music:

First, let’s get the notions of courage and bravery off the table. Some have used those words to describe what I’m doing, and I appreciate that. But I really don’t think it’s that. Like I’ve said before, my grandfather parachuting behind enemy lines at the start of the D-Day invasion was courage.

I’m  doing this more because the point arrived where, for the sake of my own sanity, I had to start being myself as openly and honestly as I can. Honesty can be tough for people who deal with mental illness and addiction. But I decided I had to do better.

Read more on this in “The Liar’s Disease.”

Admittedly, some of the motivation is selfish. We OCD types have overdeveloped egos and tend to go digging for attention. It’s hard to admit that, but it’s the truth. Being open about that forces me to keep myself in check. It’s also an invitation for those around me to call me out on acts of ego and selfishness.

The biggest reason for doing this, without question, is my faith. I realized some time ago that when you toss the skeletons from your closet into the daylight, they turn to dust. Big, sinister stigmas become very small indeed. Then you can move on.

I didn’t arrive at this viewpoint easily. It took years of dirty work.

With my faith comes a need to serve others. In this case, I accumulated experiences that might be of help to other sufferers. Sharing wasn’t exactly something I wanted to do; it was something I had to do.

We’re all in this together. Many good people have helped me along the way. Trying to help someone else is the very least I could do. In the final analysis, we all help each other.

Getting it all out of the head and into this blog has certainly been helpful, so thanks for indulging me.

Did I risk my career to do this? I don’t think so.

That said, I don’t think I’d be doing this if I still worked for The Eagle-Tribune. The newroom’s culture wouldn’t have allowed for it. I have no idea if the culture has changed, but I suspect not.

I’ve gotten a ton of support from those I work with. That was true when I started this five years ago, during another job, and it’s true today, in my current job.

Does that mean everyone should put their demons out in the open as I have?

It’s not going to be the right decision for everyone to make. There are a lot of honorable reasons for people to keep their demons private. In many cases, the veil is what you use to protect others as well as yourself. But my veil blew away in the storm that was my life. Walking forward without it was all I could do.

As the line in Mötley Crüe’s “Home Sweet Home” goes, “My life is an open book, for the whole world to read.”

For my own development as a human being, I think it’s best that way.

Close to My Heart by EddieTheYeti“Close to My Heart” by EddieTheYeti. Read more of my ongoing series with EddieTheYeti.

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Want Cheese With That Whine?

A few weeks back, a reader suggested that I whine a lot. She said I’m badly depressed and need more help than I’m getting.

She’s not the first person to misunderstand the purpose of this blog.

Mood music:

For those who don’t know by now, I started this blog because writing is powerful therapy. When you type out your feelings on paper or in a forum like this, it’s very freeing. You don’t keep stuff inside and you can move ahead more easily.

I decided to go public with my struggles because, for me, bringing my problems to light would make them smaller and weaker — and easier to manage.

I also did it because I know most people suffer with their own issues and live in greater pain because it’s the sinister secret in their closet. I figured that if I came clean about my own frailties of character and more medically based struggles, people who live in the closet would at least know that they don’t have to be alone and that they can get to a better place. A lot of people have told me this blog helps them. So I keep writing, even when I don’t feel like it.

I write frankly about my challenges. But I accept those challenges and have found happiness all the same. If you think that’s whining, you’re badly confused.

Fortunately, there’s a remedy for you: You can stop reading this blog and erase it from your mind. If you stay despite getting nothing from it, perhaps you’re the one in need of more help.

Middle Finger Mushroom Cloud