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Don’t Sweat That Christmas Pageant Performance, Kid

My kids participated in a Christmas Eve pageant at our church, and a highlight for me was one girl’s performance of the song, “Mary Did You Know.”

The young lady’s performance made my neck hairs stand up. I saw her sing it twice: Christmas Eve, and at a rehearsal the night before.

During the Christmas Eve performance, she sang a bit too high toward the end. She still sounded awesome. But she was pretty upset.

As someone whose work involves a lot of getting up in front of people — in writing and in person — I wanted to share a few thoughts.

First, some background:

I’m a pretty public guy. I write this blog and two others as part of my work life. As part of my work, I frequently do public presentations. I’m also a lector at church.

I used to be terrified of getting up in front of people. The thought of doing such a thing used to make me sick. My anxiety level would go into high orbit. It was part of a larger struggle with fear and anxiety.

I eventually decided to face down that fear and, now that I have a lot of experience, public engagement doesn’t make me nervous anymore.

Given that background, I have enormous respect for those who get up in front of a big crowd. Especially singers.

I know what it’s like to bomb in front of people, and let me tell you something: You didn’t bomb. You didn’t even come close. I know what it’s like to truly bomb.

  • I once gave a talk to a room full of hard-nosed security professionals and they didn’t buy what I was saying. That was pretty awkward. (Rather than repeat that story here, you can read it about it in another blog if you wish.)
  • I sang in a rock band when I was younger, and we did a few performances along the way. Some went really well. But the most important performance we had up to that point was a complete bomb. We were out of tune at the opening, and it threw us off for most of the performance.
  • I’ve enjoyed success as a writer, but I’ve also written stuff that in hindsight makes me cringe.
  • As a lector, I’ve messed up many times. Since we go to the same church, you might have seen it happen. I’ve mispronounced names of the sick and dead, and once bungled narrating Christ’s Passion so badly I thought I’d be banned from ever lectoring again.

Despite all that, I’ve been able to keep doing it all, mostly without incident. And in most cases, people don’t notice or remember the mistakes. And yes, the mistakes still happen.

Nobody is going to remember that you went up an octave or two too high.

People will remember that you threw your heart and soul into the performance.

 

They’ll remember that you had the guts to get up in front of them and perform. Many are too afraid to do such a thing, and see it as a courageous act.

They’ll look forward to seeing you perform again. I certainly will.

Keep singing and performing. Know that you will screw up from time to time, and that it’s ok.

You’ll learn from those experiences.

Thanks for the beautiful singing, and Merry Christmas to you and your family.

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Hackers for Charity: Essential Reading

One of the best examples of what makes the information security community special is Hackers for Charity, an engine for good started by hacker Johnny Long several years ago.

Mood music:

Long set up shop in Jinja, a town just east of the Ugandan capital of Kampala. Hackers for Charity brings to bear the skills of hackers worldwide to provide free technical support to cash-strapped local charities and organizations.

Volunteers work to improve Internet connectivity and put technology into the hands of those who would otherwise be left out. The organization also provides those it serves with a wealth of technical training.

One way it raises funds is by selling T-shirts, bracelets, stickers and hand-crafted leather accessories online and at security conferences around the world. The leather crafts are made in Uganda and include iPhone cases, iPad cases, journals, tumblers, coffee mugs, shot glasses and more.

The organization is well known in the security community, and most of what has been written about it has come from Long. But recently, Khalil Sehnaoui, managing partner and founder of Krypton Security, journeyed to Uganda and spent time with Long and his neighbors.

Sehnaoui kept an online diary that delves deep into the soul of Hackers for Charity. It’s a must read for anyone who cares about helping others, as is this post Long wrote about the visit.

Hackers in Uganda

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So You Wanna Blog About Your Demons

Quite a few people are starting to share stories about their mental health challenges and other demons. Some ponder if they should start blogging about it. Having written such a blog for almost five years now, here’s my take.

Mood music:

If you feel you have reached the right point in your journey to start sharing, then do it. If nothing else, it will help you keep things in perspective. I always feel better after I’ve torn a few skeletons from my closet and tossed them to the light.

Once you expose them, they seem a lot smaller. Chances are you will also touch a few people who need to know they’re not alone; that they’re dealing with the stuff that makes us all human. They need to see proof that they are not freaks.

If you are still at the beginning of figuring out your issues and you’re in that confused state where you don’t know up from down, it might be better to start writing just for yourself. Fill notebooks but don’t share yet. Wait until you reach a point in recovery where you’re ready to come out. Then you can take what you wrote when emotions were still raw and put them out there along with fresh perspective of where you’ve been since then.

When I started this blog, I wanted to break stigmas and make people more comfortable outing their own demons. Not many people were doing it back then. Today, many are taking the leap. Whether I’ve influenced any of it is for others to determine. All I know is that I’m happy to see it.

Whatever you decide to do, know that I admire you and gain extra strength from the experiences you already share.

Godspeed and good luck.

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The Year That Will Be: 15 Goals

It turns out I have a lot of goals for 2014. Here’s a list.

  1. Wring all the sloppiness from my eating program.
  2. Find a cheap elliptical machine and use it for at least 30 minutes a day.
  3. Earn my way off the blood pressure pills.
  4. Get the first-ever security section of Akamai.com up and running.
  5. Learn how to play one new song a week on guitar.
  6. Start recording the original music I’ve been working on.
  7. Figure out a plan to make a book version of The OCD Diaries. Or, more accurately, a series of books.
  8. Spend less time looking at my phone and more time reading old-fashioned books.
  9. Maybe make another attempt at reconciling with estranged family members.
  10. Stop using the e-cigs that have been a crutch since I stopped smoking.
  11. Be more patient with people, especially my children.
  12. Get to more security conferences (it’s a job requirement, anyway) and find a way to sneak Erin to some of them. [I won’t fit in your suitcase! -Ed.]
  13. Drink less coffee and more green tea.
  14. Get closer to God (I drifted a bit in 2013).
  15. Walk Revere Beach at least once a month.

I seriously doubt I’ll end 2014 will all of these goals achieved. But if I make serious progress on some of them, I’ll declare victory.

Calendar 2014 Wallpaper

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The Year That Was

A lot of folks have made comments about what a shitty year 2013 was. There were deaths, divorces, miserable jobs, layoffs, etc. I didn’t end the year feeling bitter, though. Many good things happened.

Mood music:

http://youtu.be/JvoG36nUcSU

In 2013 I started an excellent job, made a lot of new friends, got in lots of quality time with my wife and kids, and learned to play guitar chords written by my musical heroes.

We made more progress sorting through Duncan’s ADHD and other challenges than the two previous years combined. Erin’s business continued to flourish. Out of nowhere, it seems, Sean started to become a man. His wit and sense of humor were sharpened at my expense much of the time, but I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t enjoy it.

Both kids got serious about writing, which makes their writer-editor parents proud.

The year was crammed with blessings, for sure.

But it wasn’t all roses, either.

I had to come to terms with the fact that I’m getting too old to keep my weight in check with diet alone. The no-flour, no-sugar program didn’t keep away the weight gain. It turns out I have to exercise a lot more than I have in recent years. I had to start wearing a CPAP mask to bed for sleep apnea, and my new doctor put me on blood pressure medicine.

I’m not blind. I know the health issues are my own fault. I never should have slackened the exercise regime. I admittedly let my eating to get sloppy in spots, especially during vacations and business travel.

Given all the work I’ve put into my health in recent years, these developments were a bitch to swallow.

We put the kids in a new school so Duncan could get the attention he deserves. It’s a great school, but it’s been a hard transition with a longer commute and a different culture to adjust to.

As awesome as my new job is, there are still cultural adjustments to make. I’m writing as much as ever, but my work writing has to be more nuanced and careful. It’s what I signed up for, but it’s taking some getting used to.

The year has been one of peaks and valleys. Like the year before it, and the year before that.

For most people, there’s a certain relief that comes with the end of the old year. The end of the year brings the ability to exhale; we need that so we can keep moving forward and growing. The new year provides the hope we need to get through the daily trials.

It’s all good.

The key, as always, is to make the most of the clean slate and not let it go to waste.

I think we’re up to the challenge.

merry new year!

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Quoted in Forbes Again

For the second time this year, I’m quoted in a Forbes article. Cheryl Snapp Conner and Tom Lowery have been too kind. 🙂

The earlier story was about how mental illness can actually make people stronger in their jobs.

The latest is an article called “Fifty Shades of Effort: The Writer’s Life, and Why We Choose It.” In it, I talk about why I started writing the OCD Diaries, and what, in general, continues to fuel my passion for writing.

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You Can’t Fight Depression with Unicorns and Rainbows

In recent days I’ve watched an interesting online discussion about depression and bipolar disorder. One one side is author and speaker Natasha Tracy, whose writing pulls no punches about the dark side of such maladies. On the other side is a blogger named Sarah Ryan. She believes the approach to addressing the subject should be uplifting and sunny.

The truth is somewhere in between, in my opinion. But I must say that the sunshine part is useless if we don’t pick apart the darkness first.

Mood music:

Taking a shot at Tracy and her work, Sarah suggests a new voice is needed. Her beef: Tracy’s articles are dark to the point of ridiculous. She writes:

I am struck by the negativity that many major health-care websites are perpetuating, such as healthyplace.com, healthline.com, and answers.com. They are advertising Ms. Tracy as an expert on those sites, so if that is the case, I’m sure the vast majority of her readers will assume they can trust her message and treat it as fact-based. Here’s the rub: I find her message to be wrought with negativity, misinformation, and deeply internalized social stigma.

Sarah hopes to be a “much needed counter balance to this sort of negativity.” Sarah’s blogging is part of a larger project called “Find More Out There,” designed to explore the realities of bipolar disorder via film and other media.

As a long-time sufferer of depression and OCD, I appreciate what she’s doing. Sufferers do need hope, and in my own blogging I try to outline all the light I’ve found at the other side of the darkness.

But I also respect Tracy’s work. Sure she leans more toward the dark side. The titles she uses demonstrate that:

  • How Are You? – I’m Not Fine, I’m Bipolar
  • Can You Die From Bipolar Disorder? (*Saving you more time, the answer is yes)
  • More Ways to Die from Bipolar Disorder
  • Trying Bipolar Therapy You Don’t Believe In – Mindfulness Meditation
  • I’m Too Tired to Keep Fighting Bipolar Disorder

Sarah uses those titles as proof Tracy is too negative.

But here’s the thing: Depression and all the mental disorders that feed it are a nightmare. When you’re in the thick of it, all seems lost. It sucks. People need to say it sucks. My healing — an ongoing process with plenty of setbacks and advances — couldn’t begin until I peeled back every layer of my fear, anxiety and depression. That took years.

For the sufferer to find tools to get better, they have to know they’re not alone. The old cliché that misery loves company is true. When you realize you’re in good company, it becomes easier to stand up and do something about it.

But once the sufferer has that epiphany, they need guidance to start building the tools of recovery. Sarah’s project holds promise there.

I’d love to see these two voices collaborate on something. The fruits of such an effort could be powerful.

unicorn pooping a rainbow

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The OCD Diaries, Four Years Later

This weekend marks four years since I woke up in a funk and started this blog on a whim, figuring I’d at least feel better if I spilled my guts. It did the trick. But in the years since that day, it has become something far bigger than I could have imagined at the time.

Mood music:

http://youtu.be/zQzNBTukO0w

I didn’t expect so many people to connect with the writing. I figured it would be no big deal to people, because we all have our stories — filled with happiness, sadness, love, heartbreak and other forms of adversity. I would just be one in a chorus of online voices sharing my emotions and experiences.

But people did connect, especially work colleagues and others in my profession. I thought my soul venting might raise eyebrows at work, but I got nothing but support. The reaction from the information security crowd was particularly stunning to me. People who intimidated me with their outward toughness started sharing back. They became more than just people I did business with. The friendships I’ve gained through the sharing is a huge gift this blog has given me.

The reaction from family and friends was shock, because I had succeeded in carrying on with a stoic, easy-going exterior. I couldn’t believe people saw me as easygoing. Apparently I could have found success as an actor.

The sharing has allowed me to repair some relationships that were broken. In other cases, it made matters worse. But there was no turning back.

My wife was often bewildered by what I wrote, because I was sharing past experiences I hadn’t shared with her up to that point. That led to us doing a lot of work on our relationship, and that’s the absolute greatest gift this blog has given me. As part of that, the blog has become one of the things we do together as a couple: I do the writing, Erin does the editing and bullshit detecting. When something I write doesn’t ring true, she pushes me in the proper direction.

Admittedly, I’ve expanded the subject matter a lot in the last year and a half. I didn’t originally plan to opine about current events here, but I realized a couple things after a while:

  • If I were to write about nothing but my own flaws, I’d risk being defined by them and nothing else.
  • This blog should be about more than just my own personal growth. Part of one’s growth comes from their dealings with the people and events taking place around them. By that measurement, current events became fair game.

In finding the path through adversity, there are many lessons to be had by exploring how we all talk to each other.

I’ve also focused more on the lighter side of life, because few things get us through the fog like humor. That has made this experiment a lot more fun for me. I hope it has worked for all of you, too.

Here’s to many more years of staring adversity in the face and making it blink — becoming better on our own and together.

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A Revere Kid Celebrates National Grammar Day. Punk-uation, Anyone?

Tomorrow is National Grammar Day. For writers and copyeditors (my wife is both), this is kind of like St. Patrick’s Day and Easter rolled into one. Erin plans to stay glued to her desk all day, weighing in on all the conversation that comes rolling off the Twitter tongue. Given her job, she has no choice, really.

Mood music:

Being a writer and editor myself, I should be just as excited. But I’m from Revere, Mass., where destroying grammar is a rite of passage. And since I write more often than edit, I’ve developed a rather cantankerous relationship with the copyeditors I work with. Sure, I love ’em and all, but sometimes I can’t help but slip in deliberately bad grammar for fun.

Split infinitives? Love ’em. One-line paragraphs? Love ’em. Saying “love ’em” instead of “I love them”? Love that, too.

Coming from Revere, I usually speak without the use of the letter r at the end of a word when it’s supposed to be there. I also use things like killa and pissa at random.

There was a time when I tried to conform. Once I realized I wanted to write, I chose English as a major and communications as a minor. I buried myself in the art and law of sentence structure, punctuation and even speech. I took a public speaking class specifically to work on saying the r at the end of the right words.

You could say I was turning my back on my Revere heritage.

As I hit middle age, my rebellious streak re-asserted itself.

All that said, I am grateful for the editors in my life, especially my wife, for trying to keep me on the write path. (You see what I did there?)

Happy National Grammar Day, y’all.

SuperGrammar_NationalGrammarDay_01

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The OCD Diaries in Book Form

Erin and I are making plans for 2013. One is to turn The OCD Diaries into book form.

Mood music:

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Almost since the beginning of this blog, readers have suggested that I do an OCD Diaries book. Flattering as that suggestion is, I sort of balked at the notion. This began as a memoir of sorts, and that might have been worth making a book out of. But the subject matter quickly evolved, and I’ve felt that wrapping the whole thing into one book would be cumbersome to the reader.

But Friday I got an idea: I could do a series of books &mdash smaller, bite-sized works we could make available in print and digital formats. I could set them up to have the feel and reading experience of the Devotionals you see offered in various religious communities. The print editions would be pocket-sized so you could pull ’em out as needed.

So far, we’re planning topics to include:

  • Dealing with OCD, depression and other disorders
  • Living through addiction
  • Dealing with grief
  • Spirituality
  • A survival guide for children and parents
  • A survival guide for relationships
  • Life with Crohn’s Disease and how the related coping tools apply to a multitude of health challenges
  • A book of humor, featuring selections from humor writers I admire

    • The common element tying it all together will be pieces of my back story, what I’ve experienced and how I’ve learned to manage the challenges.

    These will not be books telling you how you should live. I’m the last guy on Earth who should be advising you on that. They will simply be stories of what I’ve done and why, with lots of resource material so you can seek out the professional experts.

    Onward.

    Pile of Books