Fitness

Finish What You Started

by Bill Brenner September 28, 2011 Adventures in writing

Funny thing about people who suffer from serious mental illness: They tend to make all these big plans but never really follow through with anything. I don’t fault them. For one thing, they have an illness. Also, I used to be just like them. Mood music: [spotify:track:37A5wFomo4EVz5tGInAynI] Watching the start-stop-start-thud behavior of a friend is reminding me of what I used to do. My friend, who I won’t name, always has some big plans afoot….  [Read More]

Call It An Allergy And Walk Away

by Bill Brenner September 22, 2011 Addiction

If someone offers me a drink and I tell them I’m sober, they accept it and that’s that. If I’m offered food that doesn’t fit my recovery program for compulsive binge eating, I can’t say it that way without getting odd stares. This is something all compulsive binge eaters deal with in society — a big, ugly lack of understanding that destructive addictive behavior takes on many forms, and that food can be as destructive…  [Read More]

A Relapse Isn’t The End Of The World

by Bill Brenner September 16, 2011 Addiction

When a person relapses back into addictive behavior, it seems like the end of the world. Everything they’ve worked for is in ashes, and they embrace their old demon with reckless abandon. It shouldn’t have to be that way. Mood music: [spotify:track:1JKiRbc7uA6B9QrO3I1zZH] I’m thinking hard about this because I came close to a relapse recently, and a friend now finds himself in a full, free-falling backslide. A lot of people have a hard time seeing…  [Read More]

Deal With It, Get Over It And Get Out Of My Way

by Bill Brenner September 12, 2011 Addiction

It’s been an emotional few days. I came to the edge of a relapse. A father figure died. Then there was the 9-11 anniversary. This stuff can burn a person down to nothing. But I don’t burn like I used to. Mood music: It’s funny how people react not only to their own adversity, but that of others. Some people become incapacitated with grief when a pet dies and some of us want to say,…  [Read More]

My Brain Is On The Pavement. But At Least I Showered

by Bill Brenner September 9, 2011 Addiction

It’s hard to pinpoint the moment my recovery started getting wobbly and I started getting sloppy. I don’t know if it’s fully accurate to call this a relapse, but it’s pretty damn close. Mood music: One thing is certain: I’m in a shaky place lately, and this is as good a place to sort things out. Talking is always better, but sometimes I have to write it. I’ve been very tired lately, and in my…  [Read More]

41 Years

by Bill Brenner August 26, 2011 Addiction

Some people get depressed on their birthday. Not me. The fact that I turn 41 today is a freak of nature. But a year into my forties, I know I have more cleaning up to do. Mood music: Item: When I was sick with the Crohn’s Disease as a kid, I lost a lot of blood and developed several side ailments. I’m told by my parents that the doctor’s were going to remove the colon more than…  [Read More]

Cold Turkey Has Got Me On The Run

by Bill Brenner August 22, 2011 Addiction

More than a week after I quit smoking cold turkey, I’m pissed off. It pisses me off that other people can enjoy a drink or two, the occasional cigar or feast without letting it take over everything else in their lives. Mood music from the debut EP of Pull Trouble From The Fire: [soundcloud url=”http://soundcloud.com/pulltroublefromthefire/06-dead-wait”] It pisses me off that I have to learn to behave and pretend I don’t wish I had some of…  [Read More]

Get well, Tottenkoph

by Bill Brenner August 20, 2011 Coping tools

Magen Hughes (@tottenkoph on Twitter), a friend from the security community, had some major surgery yesterday. This post is simply to remind folks to send her well wishes on the Twitters and such. I won’t go into the details of what has been ailing her (you can read about it in her blog) but I have been inspired as hell by the positive attitude she has shown throughout the ordeal. She sent regular updates on…  [Read More]

I Need A Lot Of Gum. And Maybe A Gun

by Bill Brenner August 19, 2011 Addiction

It’s been one week since I have smoked a cigarette or a cigar. The itch is gone but the crankiness is not. Mood music: I’m finding some relief in gum. But now I’m starting to think crazy thoughts about it. Behold: I find myself wondering if there are websites that sell exotic types of gum. I’m sure there are, though I haven’t looked yet. Beer-flavored gum? Cigar-flavored gum? Rum-flavored gum? The crazy thinking goes something…  [Read More]

I Have Coffee, Rock & Roll, Gum and This Keyboard. Don’t Mess With Me

by Bill Brenner August 17, 2011 Addiction

Day five without tobacco is upon me, and I’m doing OK. Uncomfortable, yes. But OK. I have other crutches to keep me tobacco free AND free of binge eating: –I have strong coffee. –I have all the Rock & Roll I want, and I’m keeping the music playing. –I’m chewing a shitload of gum and my breath has probably never been so clean and fresh. –And I have this keyboard. Writing ALWAYS helps. But I’m…  [Read More]

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