The OCD Diaries

January 19, 2015

MLK on the Hole in Your Soul

This being the day we celebrate the life and legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., I thought it appropriate to share 10 favorite quotes from the man. He didn’t just lead the way on Civil Rights. He led the way on addressing that hole in the soul that caused people to be full of racism and rage to begin with.

It’s that same hole that turns many of us into addicts and bullies. May his words cut through your soul and attack whatever demons that hold you back.

Mood music:

“Rarely do we find men who willingly engage in hard, solid thinking. There is an almost universal quest for easy answers and half-baked solutions. Nothing pains some people more than having to think.”

“The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict.”

“That old law about ‘an eye for an eye’ leaves everybody blind. The time is always right to do the right thing.”

“We who engage in nonviolent direct action are not the creators of tension. We merely bring to the surface the hidden tension that is already alive.”

“Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.”

“It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can keep him from lynching me, and I think that’s pretty important.”

“Never succumb to the temptation of bitterness.”

“An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.”

“Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.”

“We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.”

MLK Jr. I Have a Dream

January 1, 2015

2015: Five Goals

A lot of unpleasant stuff happened in 2014. I busted my back, slid back into the grip of old demons and spent the fall in a depressed fog.

But a lot of beautiful things happened, too. I racked up many precious memories of time well spent with family and friends. My work continued to be full of satisfaction and reward.

I expect much the same for 2015. But like everyone else, I have my New Year’s goals.

Mood music:

http://youtu.be/NNlT5I8R3ZU

I’m going to take better care of myself. I let the demons win in 2014 and I didn’t wait for 2015 to fight back. I’ve been back on a regular exercise regimen and started paying more attention to how I eat. I’m starting to feel better, and plan to make that trend continue.
I’m going to focus more on being the blessing. I blogged about this virtue in 2014 but often failed to live up to it. I want to be a positive force in people’s lives and am going to be a lot more obsessive about it in 2015. Some obsessions are worth having.
I’m going to kick ass in my work. Because that’s what I do. But I’m going to do it without sweating the little things.
I’m not going to worry so much about pleasing people. I fell back into the people-pleasing trap in 2014 and am hell-bent on not letting it happen in 2015.
I’m going to keep showing up. Life will undoubtably throw unpleasant challenges my way. That’s life. No matter how tough it gets, I’m going to keep getting up and facing it head on.

Happy New Year.

“Grin and Bear It,” by EddieTheYeti

September 16, 2014

We Need More Roosevelts in Public Life

PBS launched a new Ken Burns series this week, this one on the Roosevelts. What I’ve seen so far reminds me of why I’ve always idolized this family.

The documentary focuses on Teddy, Franklin and Eleanor — how they each overcame deep personal demons and rose to the top of American politics. In the process, they changed millions of lives for the better.

I’ve written quite a bit about them over the years. The launch of Ken Burns’ latest masterpiece is as good an excuse as any to offer up this compilation.

Teddy Roosevelt Did It All. What’s Your Excuse?
TR was a sickly boy whose asthma often left him struggling for breath. He could have used that as an excuse early on to avoid life’s big challenges. Instead, he lifted weights obsessively and built himself into a bull of a man who would live what he called “the strenuous life.”

6 Guys I Look to in Times of Trouble
Teddy and Franklin are on this list — FDR for overcoming polio and changing the world as president.

Eleanor Roosevelt Was a Badass
I’ve always admired Eleanor Roosevelt. She defied the society of her day and helped forged a new path for women. She was a tireless fighter for the disadvantaged. During WWII, she traveled to the front to visit the troops, despite the danger. She was an early fighter for civil rights. One of her most famous quotes was to “do something every day that scares you.” The older she got, the more badass she became.

The Roosevelts: An Intimate Portrait poster

April 9, 2014

Success vs. Failure: Not as Simple as This Image Suggests

LinkedIn and other social media sites are publishing a lot of articles and graphics lately about things successful people do and don’t do. There are many good points in all of them, and they at least give us things to strive for. This graphic in particular caught and held my attention:

What Successful People Do and What Unsuccessful People Do

For the most part, I agree with this one.

Before I started to bring my demons to heel, many of my traits fell into the yellow. I hoped for certain people to fail. I held too many grudges to count. I criticized everyone and everything, and I was terrified of change. Over the years, I’ve learned to do a lot of what’s in the green column. And I’m much happier and more successful for it.

But the advice in the image isn’t as simple as the creators would have us believe.

Back when my demons were in control, I read every day, kept detailed to-do lists and accepted responsibility for my failures. Some colleagues used to tell me I beat myself up too much when things didn’t go well. Those traits are in the “successful” column.

In recent years I’ve enjoyed a lot of success. But I still do some of the things in this graphic’s “unsuccessful” column. I horde information and data. I fly by the seat of my pants much more than I used to — and I enjoy it. I find it hard not to pat myself on the back for jobs well done.

The lesson? The path to success or failure is much more complicated than an image can show us. And no matter how successful we are, there will always be room for improvement.

February 19, 2014

Cancer Can’t Stop the Almighty Cashdollar

A friend and colleague announced via Facebook and Twitter that he has thyroid cancer.

Larry Cashdollar — an Akamai security researcher I like to call “The Almighty Cashdollar” — was tested a few weeks ago, and I know he’s been worried. Now, at least, he knows what he’s up against.

Mood music:

He wrote:

I have thyroid #cancer. I’ve been waiting for the last week for my biopsy results and the doctor called today.

— Larry W. Cashdollar (@_larry0) February 17, 2014

But he’s going to prevail. Here’s why.

As cancers go, the thyroid variety is among the most easily beaten. I know quite a few people who had it and, since surgery, have been cancer free.
Larry is tough. I’ve seen it in his workmanship. This is a guy who continued trying to do security research while lying in a hospital bed with pneumonia.
He has a good sense of humor. One of the first conversations I had with him was at dinner during last summer’s Black Hat hacker conference. We had a lot of laughs that night, and humor is the greatest weapon we have in a world gone mad.
He’s prevailed against the tough stuff before. Did I mention he tried to keep working from a hospital bed once? The dude is crazy, and you can’t beat crazy.
He has a lot of people pulling for him at home and work.

Now that you have an answer, I know you’re going to overcome this in short order, my friend.

I look forward to writing about your security research again. I doubt I’ll be waiting long.

Larry Cashdollar

December 19, 2013

Paying It Forward

Lately I’ve been doing profiles on people who inspire me. Last week, it was Trey Ford. This week, it’s Microsoft senior security strategist Katie Moussouris. I’m doing so because they deserve the honors. But it’s all part of a bigger strategy.

Mood music:

As I’ve noted before, my emotions this time of year tend to tilt toward the negative, and I’m definitely feeling depressed and prickly lately.

Though I’ve overcome a lot, I still get a huge shot of inspiration when I see others getting through their own adversity and doing great things. Focusing on them instead of my own crummy mood makes me feel better. The people I write about remind me that there’s still plenty of hope for humanity.

It also does you more good to hear about them than to read my annual grumbling about the Christmas dispirit.

A lot of people have told me that this blog has been helpful to them because it has made them feel less isolated and alien — and because I’ve focused on sharing what I’ve learned about living a better life and getting out of the hole. I’m glad for that. But if I don’t point you toward the many others setting powerful examples, I’m only doing half the job.

And so I’ll continue to pay it forward.

Who knows? You may soon find a post about you on here.

pay it forward

December 18, 2013

Katie Moussouris: Profile in Fortitude

Friends in the information security community continue to inspire me. Last week, it was Trey Ford. This week, it’s Microsoft senior security strategist Katie Moussouris.

Mood music:

Katie has had a huge year at Microsoft and in the wider security industry. After a seemingly eternal push, she succeeded in getting a bug bounty program off the ground, ensuring that the software giant will find and patch many more security holes than it has before. She traveled the globe nonstop, speaking, teaching and organizing for a multitude of security events.

And she did it despite adversity that would have crushed many good people.

She endured a divorce and continued to grieve from losses she suffered two years ago — both parents and a best friend from childhood died that year. There was a parent’s estate to settle, a high-pressure matter no matter how agreeable people try to be.

She continued to be a dedicated mom to her two children, even while circling the globe.

In short, she pressed on, refusing to let personal calamities derail her work.

She touched on this in a June 30 Facebook post, noting how she was having the weirdest, saddest, happiest, yet oddly most productive past couple years of her life. Years spent growing, grieving, gestating, breastfeeding, estate settling, celebrating births, and honoring lives cut short. And working to turn the heresy of a Microsoft bounty into gospel in the midst of it all swirling around and through her.

What she’s been through isn’t unique, and as I’ve noted many times before, we all suffer: We go through career challenges. We lose loved ones. Marriages crumble.

But when people do it with exceptional grace and fortitude, I like to celebrate them.

Here’s to your continued success, friend.

Katie Moussouris

October 30, 2013

Red Sox Player Jonny Gomes: Profile in Fortitude

I’ll be honest with all you rabid sports fans: I’m not much of a sports guy. While my peers were playing on various ball teams in high school, my recreation was listening to heavy metal, going to concerts and getting into trouble. In adulthood, I’m always happy when the Boston sports teams do well, but I don’t stay up late to watch games or banter with colleagues about sports.

I still have an admiration for athletes, especially those who rise to the occasion despite heaping piles of adversity. A good example is Boston Red Sox player Jonny Gomes.

Mood music:

Since the Red Sox are my home team and are in the World Series, I’ve had plenty of opportunity to hear about Gomes. Here’s a kid who survived a car accident as a teenager while his best friend, who sat beside him in the backseat, was killed. Then, at the age of 22, he suffered a heart attack.

Yet here he is, playing professional baseball. In the World Series, no less. Tonight is game six at Fenway Park, and it could be the clincher.

When I was a kid fighting severe Crohn’s Disease, my fifth-grade teacher suggested I write to a fellow suffer: Rolf Benirschke, who at the time was playing professional football with the San Diego Chargers. He actually had severe colitis, a disease with many of the same effects as Crohn’s Disease. He wrote me back, and for a while we were pen pals.

Even at that early age, it was clear that I wouldn’t be getting into sports with the enthusiasm of my classmates. But the fact that a grownup had been through what I was going through and had made it to the top of his profession thrilled me and inspired me to stop feeling sorry for myself.

I also lost a best friend to a violent death and know how that can damage one’s soul. To get past that experience as a teenager, as Gomes did, is truly something to behold.

I’m pretty sure there are kids out there today who are being inspired by Gomes the way I was inspired by Benirschke.

May he enjoy many more years in professional sports.

Jonny Gomes on June 15, 2013

July 2, 2013

The Lady With The Lego Leg

I find this woman’s creativity share worthy.

January 28, 2013

Cancer’s Silver Lining

These days it’s sobering for me to think of all the cancer patients I know personally. I’ve written about my aunt and one of my hometown friends. I’ve known others, as well. I’ve never had cancer, but it’s become a source of anxiety in my life.

Mood music:

[spotify:track:2ql32BJPN3hnyboml4JfER]

Along with knowing many who battle it, I’m at a higher risk of developing colon cancer one of these days, thanks to nearly a lifetime of Crohn’s Disease. I have to get a colonoscopy every couple of years to keep an eye on things, which gives me confidence that if it ever arrives, we’ll catch it early. But it’s given me a somewhat fatalistic outlook: I assume it’s coming eventually.

NPR recommends asking these two questions of your doctor before having your colonoscopy.

That said, I’ve seen a silver lining around this disease. Simply put, it tends to bring out the best in those who suffer from it.

I never hear the people I know with cancer grousing about it. There’s no “woe is me” going on. No bitterness. Just gratitude. They seem to appreciate what they have a lot more and spread that gratefulness around. I have no doubt they still experience plenty of anxiety and awful feelings out of public view. But that’s what makes their public face so inspiring. They can still show us how to be strong, even though they are exhausted and in a hundred kinds of pain.

I’m thinking about this because my Haverhill friend announced on Facebook that she’s decided to get hospice care. Renee Pelletier Costa often posts her messages from bed, because all the chemo and radiation saps her energy. But everything she posts is about how lucky she is and how much support and love she has.

Her battle is getting tougher, and she has decided on hospice care not because she sees the end in sight, but because the services offered will allow her to cast aside the chemo treatments and focus on healthier daily living. She wants to be able to do more for her family and get more quality from the time she spends with them, and this is how she can do that.

“I have no plans of dying anytime soon,” she wrote on Facebook. “Only God knows.”

Indeed, it’s not about dying. It’s about living. It’s more useful to focus on the latter, because when you get down to it, none of us really knows how much time we have.

Thanks for the lesson, Renee.

Livestrong Tatoo