Thanks to a strict food plan I follow to keep the binge-eating disorder in its box, I’m not walking around a bloated mess like I used to. Instead, I gorged on something else yesterday.
I napped in the morning, I napped in the afternoon and I have no regrets.
I’ve always had an interesting relationship with sleep.
Back when I was slowly destroying myself, I would fall asleep at all the wrong times: In a restaurant while someone was talking to me, during moments of what was supposed to be catch-up time with Erin, and behind the wheel.
I still nod off early. But I’m up at 4 a.m. almost every morning. I don’t have to be. I just happen to open my eyes at that point. I can’t seem to help it. So by 7 or 8 p.m., it catches up to me.
For the most part, though, I only average about six hours of sleep a night. Sometimes, I get less than that.
When you don’t get at least eight hours of sleep a night for an extended period of time, it catches up with you. In my case, I go into cycles of depression. I feel doom and gloom for no good reason.
Erin knows this, and has been diligent in making me go to bed earlier, even when I’d rather be awake doing other things.
I usually don’t give the sleep issue much thought, because my demons are rooted in many other, more insidious habits. But a friend of mine was just diagnosed with severe depression, and this dude has had a batshit-crazy sleep schedule for many years now. He gets into his office by 4 a.m. so he can leave early, but doesn’t really go to sleep until around 10 or later. Now it’s caught up with him.
Apparently it caught up to me yesterday. But it wasn’t the anxiety-driven kill switch that kicks in from time to time. This was a no-regrets trip to la-la land. Well, I regret it a little. I wanted to be up later to spend quality time with Erin, because she’s been working crazy hours lately and quality time is hard to come by. Last night I blew it on that score.
But looking at Thanksgiving day as a whole, it was much, much better than stuffing myself until I wanted to be dead.
The perfect balance still escapes me, but who really has the perfect balance anyway?
Sean and Duncan continue to give me a fresh perspective on a world that can be full of trouble. Life getting you down? Feel like shutting out the world? Read this instead.
–Duncan, watching a rack of CDs fall on a girl in the bookstore (the kid was freaked out): “I hope those CDs don’t get a scratch in them.”
–Duncan: “Sean, I’m younger and smaller than you, but I’m also stronger than you.” He failed to lift the Lego draw at the heart of his boast.
–Overheard: Sean: “Pee and Poo are not swear words and are ok to use.” Duncan: “Then why can’t we say crap?” Sean: “Because it’s not appropriate.”
–Sean tells Duncan a joke that uses the words poop and fart. Duncan responds: “That’s absolutely disgusting and innapropriate. But I like it.”
–Duncan: “The people who created lightsabers are morons. This thing (a Tinker-Toy contraption he made) is much better.” Seconds later, the Tinker-Toy weapon falls apart.
–I have a ZZTop concert streaming on the laptop while I work. Sean takes a look and asks if the guitar player is “that @jack_Daniel guy.” (Jack is a heavyweight in the security industry who looks a lot like Billy Gibbons from ZZTop)
–Duncan’s calling Sean H1N1. Sean’s taking it better than Duncan did when Sean was calling him Cupcake.
–Duncan’s calling Sean H1N1. Sean’s taking it better than Duncan did when Sean was calling him Cupcake.
–Sean to Duncan: “Liar liar pants on fire.” Duncan: “That’s stupid Sean. My pants are not on fire.”
–I threaten to smack Duncan in the butt (I’d never follow through). His response: “You don’t want to. You don’t know where this butt’s been.”
–Sean’s Lament: “My workbook project calls for a mural about compassion. Much to my dismay, it makes me want to barf.”
–Duncan kicked Sean for making up a “stupid” song about him. Sean threatened to sue him, forgetting that Duncan just blew all his money on Legos.
–Duncan, in full tattle mode: “Sean threatened to punch me out if I talk during the car ride. Now go punish him.”
–Discovered the password Duncan uses for his online “Poptropica” game is “Farts of Doom.”
–Sean just proclaimed that my iced coffee looks like cow manure with ice cubes on top.
–Said Sean, matter-of-fact-like: “If you don’t want your butt to get burned, don’t live in a frying pan.”
–Sean: “One of the things I really love about Gramma and Grandpa is that they’re so disorganized.”
–Sean just kicked my ass at 3 games of checkers. Now he’s trash-talking me. My revenge will come later, and it will be spectacular.
–Duncan: “I’m always thinking about something, Dad.” With a grin, he adds, “or … should I say … someone.” The boy has a crush. Again.
–Words spotted on Sean and Duncan’s Scrabble board: “smelly” “butt” “fart” “bigbelly” “vomit” “puke” …
–Sean-Duncan playing Greek gods with costumes they made from paper /tinkertoys. They made me a tinker-toy crown that puts dents in my scalp.
–Duncan, realizing he’s going to bed earlier than Sean: “Being younger is crap.”
–According to Sean there are two worlds: Duncan’s world and the real world. According to Duncan, “Sean’s talking stupid again.”
–Wow. It only took Sean till 7:30 to bellow his daily lament of “This wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t have a brother.”
–Duncan-ism of the day: “Saying ‘please’ before ‘shut up’ just sounds weird.”
–The kids are very proud that they got their granddad to spent 12 bucks on refreshments at the movie theater. They asked me to tell y’all.
–Sean and Duncan saw “Marmaduke” with their granddad. Duncan loved it. Sean’s verdict: “I’m more of a PG kinda guy.”
–Sean-ism of the day: “Thank God for Dunkin Donuts. There’s always one along the road when you really need to use the bathroom.”
–Duncan, on why he was peeing in the dark: “I kept the light off so I wouldn’t wake Mom.” Note: His Mom is upstairs and he is downstairs.
–As Duncan IDs presidents on his coins, I ask: “Isn’t it great you saw THE Oval Office?” Duncan: “Yeah. It’s also cool I have 19 cents.”
–Bad Sean joke #452 … Sean:”Why did the cop wrap the crook in tinfoil?” Me: “I dunno. Why?” Sean: “Because he wanted to foil the crime.”
–Heard in the other room: Duncan singing, “I am the ice cream man, I keep Twinkies in my pants, when I ring the bell, all the fat guys run and yell…”
–Duncan says he’s the smartest kid in his class because he knows what 8X8 is. Asked to give the answer, he said confidently: 24
–Duncan’s first words to me as I arrive home from NYC: “I missed you, Dad. But I didn’t miss you making my lunches for school.”
–Sean: “I’m looking forward to seeing the White House tonight. Good food there.” Me: “We’re there for a tour, not dinner.” Sean: “Oh well.”
–Sez Sean, because I didn’t look at his computer game fast enough: “C’mon Dad, what’s more important, your son or your Blackberry?”
–Just caught Duncan singing these lyrics: “Hey, you, my name is Bob. I’ll eat all your corn on the cob…”
–Sean, fighting with Duncan: “My life was pretty good till you came along.”
–Sean to Duncan: “You’re really cute for a pest.” Duncan: “Pests are never cute, dummy.”
–Saturday morning: I’m on one laptop, Sean’s on another and Duncan has his DS. It used to be the 3 of us watched PBS kids Sat. mornings.
–Sean scolded me for killing an ant cause “They’re God’s creatures.” Then he found one on his Lego sets, and now he wants all ants dead.
–Sean’s description of Duncan’s breath: “Like a cat climbed in your mouth, peed, pooped and died.” His breath was just as bad.
–Sean: “When someone says ‘you shouldn’t have’ it’s another way to say thank you.” Duncan: “I thought it meant ‘what were you thinking?'”
–Duncan: “Zeus is evil.” Sean: “Nah, he aint evil. He’s just in a bad mood all the time.”
–Sean hasn’t stopped laughing since I told him Bun Bun — the Whites’ dwarf hamster — got caught in Sam’s closet and crapped everywhere.
–After I told Duncan he was a goof: “Of course I am. I’m Duncan!”
–Proof Duncan’s my kid: He grabbed the pepper shaker and poured pepper on his toungue. Proof Sean’s my kid: Buries face in book at the table.
–Overheard from the LR: Sean telling Duncan: “I thinks it’s funny because it’s a little inappropriate.” Better see what he’s talking about…
–Turns out that “inappropriate” thing Sean said makes him laugh is anything with the word “crap” in it.
–Duncan is making Sean furious by constantly calling him Shawny-Sean. Dad is doing nothing to stop it.
–Quote from Duncan, who is holding up a Lego Darth Vader: “Luke — I am your father. Now go wipe the table and sweep the floor.”
–Duncan, to an elderly man sitting in his van smoking a cigarette in the parking lot of Toys R Us: “Smoking’s dumb, you know. It puts holes in your lungs. Also, you forgot to close the back door of your van.”
Duncan and Sean knock a friend on his ass with their razor-sharp toungues
When life gets you down and you feel like shutting out the world, a child’s perspective will always give you a mental boost. That’s what Sean and Duncan have taught me.
They also know how to trigger my OCD-isms, but I’ve covered that already. This post is all about their spirit-lifting wisdom. (Guest appearance by their cousin Madison.)
–Heard in the bathroom: Sean singing to no one in particular, “Your butt’s too big to be real…”
–Me: “I missed you Sean. I love you.” Sean, staring intently at the drawing he’s working on as I tell him this: “Dad, go get me a pencil”
–Sean, grousing about his loose pants: “This is ridiculous. If Eve didn’t eat that stupid apple, I wouldn’t have to worry about pants!”
–Duncan on the passing of Father Nason: “It’s really sad for us, but it’s really good for him, cause now he can have fun.”
–Sean, unhappy that I’m making him and Duncan pick up their toys, has declared me “pure evil.” Accoring to Duncan, I’m just being stupid.
–Duncan finally gets it! He told Sean: “You don’t get to boss me around. Only Dad gets to boss me around, so take that!”
–One of Sean and Duncan’s friends, wowed that Sean has read the first 3 Harry Potter books, has named him “The Manly King of Reading.”
–Sean: “Dad, are you working or fooling around?” Me: “Working.” Sean, looking at my screen: “Working on Facebook and Tweetdeck? I don’t think so.”
–Me: “You’re a good kid, Duncan. I’m proud of you.” Duncan’s response: *rolls eyes* “Go away, Dad. You’re spoiling my fun.”
–Sean, explaining The Prodigal Son to Duncan: “If there were a third brother, he would have just sat there chilling out, taking it all in.”
–Casually uttered from the mouth of Duncan as he walks by, strumming his severely out-of-tune guitar: “Nobody puts Baby on the shelf…”
–Sean-ism of the morning: I learned Australian in second grade. It’s my second language.
–Sean-ism of the morning: “I learned Australian in second grade. It’s my second language.”
–Sean, exasperated that Duncan is running around sans pants: “For Pete’s sake, Duncan! You’re a lot of work.”
–Sept. 23, 2010: I feel a strange sense of satisfaction for a Dad who was just informed by his oldest that “You are ruining my life.”
–Sean asks Cousin Madison: “Who’s your favorite cousin?” Madison, without hesitation: “Duncan!”
–Sept. 17, 2010: Madison, who slept over last night, thinks it’s hilarious when Uncle Bill burps. In other news, Duncan is teaching her his “Big Butt” song.
–Sept. 10, 2010: Sean says I’m too bossy. Since I’m feeling blah, I think I’ll go make myself feel better by bossing him around some more.
–3 days into the school year, Sean announces that he has 4th grade “licked.” Boy is he in for a reality check.
–Sean: “Babies come out the you-know-what” Duncan: “Gross. Why’s that?” Sean: “That’s just the way life works.”
–Me to Madison, the 2-year-old niece: “You’re so stinkin’ cute.” The niece: “Yes. I am.”
–Sean wants to study “Australian as a second language.”
–Meanwhile, Duncan likes the British because instead of missile, they say “Mis-Isle”
–Duncan, puzzled to learn that Darth Vader killed the Emperor in “Return of the Jedi”: “Where does he get off killing his own boss?”
–Duncan, catching me with my shirt off: “Really, Dad. Do you have to be such an ape?”
–Duncan, upon learning he’ll be an attendence monitor in class: “Wow, that’s great! And I don’t even know what an attendence monitor is.”
–Sean, in response to me telling him and Duncan to do a chore: “Dad, if you’re trying to annoy us, it’s not working.”
–Me to Sean: “You’re so stinkin’ cute.” Sean to me: “You’re so stinkin’ ugly. No offense.”
–Sean, noticing the Greek Orthodox church we were driving past: “Gee Whiz! I didn’t even know Greek Mythology was still around!”
–Me: “I know, kids, you can fold laundry for my birthday!” Sean: “We’ll do anything for you today. Pause. Sean: So, you’re not joking, are you?”
–Duncan pounced on me, pounded his elbow into my spine and kissed my bald head, telling me he just gave me a “love ambush.”
–Duncan pounced on me, pounded his elbow into my spine and kissed my bald head, telling me he just gave me a “love ambush.”
–Sean, trying to coach Duncan through a Star Wars game online: “Oh, for crying out loud Duncan… USE THE FORCE! USE THE FORCE!”
–The Sean-Duncan Star Wars feud takes a dark, stinky turn: Duncan says Sean keeps calling him Sen. Poopatine and he wants me to punish him.
–Heard from the boys’ bedroom: Sean and Duncan chanting “My head, my butt, my head, my butt…”
–Bathtub chatter: Sean: “Cheese is your favorite food, right Duncan?” Duncan: “Of course.” Sean: “I read they’re gonna stop making it soon.”
–Sean’s take on his grandfather (my father): “I’ll tell you what, Duncan. There is nothing we can’t get him to do.”
–Duncan: “I fell on my butt. Can somebody kiss it?” Me: “I don’t kiss butts. Go ask your mother.”
–Sean, growing impatient with the DC-to-Boston drive: “What state are we in besides a state of confusion?”
–Sean: “Can I have more computer time?” Me: “No.” Sean: “Wow. That was unexpected.”
–Duncan wants you all to know that my jokes are not funny. They are, however, “annoying and stupid.” So I’m telling him some more.
–Aug. 4, 2010: Sean & Duncan are cleaning up the loft because they forgot all about my threat to give ’em chores whenever they complained of being bored.
Being the restless, boredom-shunning soul that I am, I always look forward to the next trip. But today I’m back to a more mundane routine, and I couldn’t be happier. As great as it is to bust out of the norm from time to time, we need our routines. Especially me.
For starters, a routine is vital for someone in recovery from addiction and mental illness. I’m on a strict food plan to keep the urge to binge eat at bay. I also need to be in bed at a certain point, typically around 9 p.m., because I’m up and at ’em at around 4 the next morning.
When I travel, I’m up just as early but I’m almost always in bed much later the night before. There are friends to meet up with in whatever town I’m visiting, or the parties sponsored by security vendors. It’s also hard to get the perfect ingredients for my food plan, so I wing it slightly. I stay abstinent and sober, but I eat more restaurant food than I’m comfortable with.
Being back on routine means I can weigh everything I eat on my little scale and have the normal bed time. I’m also glad to be back in the office, since I really feed off the creativity of my co-workers. This morning, my first time in the office this month, I arrived to see that my office mates had a little fun with the run-in I had with the U.S. Secret Service last week:
My next trip is in a month, and I know I’ll be looking forward to it.
I also know my routine will make me itchy after a few weeks.
That’s just the way I am.
But for today, I’m glad to be looking at a more mundane day.
I revere him because he developed his own coping mechanisms to rise above it in a time when there were no anti-depressant medicines and medical understanding of the problem was all but non-existent. It’s been written that his depression and the coping tools he developed actually fueled his greatness.
The other day I was watching TV when a GEICO Insurance commercial came on. These guys have always done a great job with their commercials, but this latest is the best of all time.
The actor who plays Lincoln really nails the tortured expression of a man who is not exactly easygoing. The clip pokes fun at the “Honest Abe” legend, but knowing what we now know about Lincoln, this is all the more priceless:
No, I didn’t break my back. But I did jolt my spine somewhere to the left of where it’s supposed to be. It hurts like hell. And yet I’m in a much better mood than I’ve been in recently. This injury may be the thing I needed to get over myself.
It’s hard to get too uptight about the back. I don’t know how I managed to injure it, but I have an excellent chiropractor who will probably manage to fix it after a couple days’ work.
As a result, I’ve been carrying on like the same drama-seeking people that annoy me on a daily basis. I’ve been whining, which makes me even more pissed at myself.
So somewhere along the way, I hurt my back. My first thought was that I wasn’t going to complain about it on Facebook the way other people complain about things. Arrogant, you say? Absolutely. People with a history of OCD and addiction tend to be self-absored and hypocritical. I’m guilty as charged.
But being forced to lie down may have been good for me on this score.
I hate having to be out of commission, especially when I’m not able to help Erin with the housework. I feel like I’m pissing my life away as the world continues to speed by. I am, however, proud of the fact that I’ve managed to have a prolific work week despite all this. I can type away on the laptop while lying flat on my back, and I’ve gotten a fair amount of writing done.
The pain I’m feeling is actually the medicine I needed. You see, I used to have these back problems all the time. I spent a lot of the time between 2000 and 2006 incapacitated. One time, in 2003, paramedics had to take me to the hospital in an ambulance. I was prescribed every pain-killing (and brain-killing) pill under the sun along the way. And I missed A LOT of life.
I found my chiropractor in 2006 and within a couple weeks he found and fixed the source of my constant spasms. This week’s injury is really the first major incident since I started going to this guy.
He’s already working to fix this latest problem. A couple more days and I’ll be back to normal.
And, unlike the past problems, I don’t have pills eating away at my brain as I lie there. I’ve been clear-headed and able to put life in perspective.
Despite the occasional setback, I’m not suffering like I used to. The OCD still runs hot from time to time, and the demon that fuels my addictive behavior tries to talk me into a relapse often.
But so far, I haven’t given in.
That’s probably why I’m in a good mood now. Back when the back pain was constant, I ALWAYS caved to my addictions.
Not this time, and that makes me grateful.
I’m still doing all the service that’s part of 12-Step recovery, and it feels good.
Life is so much better than it used to be. My head is clear. My career is humming along, the sun is shining and I have family and friends that keep me whole.
It just took a back injury to remind me of all that.
Darth Vader is one of the most famous movie villains on the planet. He is responsible for billions of deaths. He let his temper get the better of him. But looking back, he was just another misunderstood sufferer of mental illness.
According to the following, very well written article, the Dark Lord of the Sith had a personality disorder:
By Elizabeth Landau
CNN.com Health Writer/Producer
The manipulations of Anakin Skywalker, also known as Darth Vader in the “Star Wars” saga, have long been ascribed to the Dark Side of the Force. Now, psychiatrists suggests that the actions of the Jedi Knight could be used in teaching about a real-life mental illness.
A letter to the editor in the journal Psychiatry Research explores just what is wrong with Vader. French researchers posit that Vader exhibits six out of the nine criteria for borderline personality disorder. Unstable moods, interpersonal relationships, and behaviors are all characteristics of this condition, according to the National Institutes of Mental Health. It affects 2 percent of adults, mostly young women.
The young Anakin Skywalker was separated from his mother at an early age, and his father was absent, factors that could have contributed to borderline personality disorder. His “infantile illusions of omnipotence” and “dysfunctional experiences of self and others” are also indicative of this condition from an early age.
The researchers argue that Vader experienced two “dissociative episodes,” one when he exterminated the Tusken people after his mother’s death, and the other when he killed all of the Jedi younglings. He often showed impulsive behavior and had difficulty controlling his anger. He also may have showcased a disturbance in identity by turning to the dark side and changing his name.
Darth Vader may thus be used to educate the public about borderline personality disorder and help combat stigma associated with mental illness.
But Emory psychiatrist Dr. Charles Raison, CNNhealth.com’s mental health expert, has a different take. In the original three movies – which are the last three chronologically – Vader appears to be under the control of an evil emperor, making his character difficult to ascribe to a psychiatric disorder.
UPDATE: Dr. Raison would like to clarify that his comment was specific to Darth Vader and not to Anakin Skywalker. “Anakin is a much better exemplar of personality disturbance,” he says. “On the other hand Darth Vader laid down his life to save his son and kill the evil emperor when all was said and done. Perhaps there is a lesson here, too, on type casting people who struggle with personality disturbances?”
No wonder why I had a Star Wars obsession as a kid. Hell, the obsession lasted well into my 20s. I guess I really identified with Vader.
Actually, I identify more with his less-talented brother Chad. Chad had serious control issues that manifested themselves at work. He was such a bad-ass manager that none of his workers would take him seriously. The creators of the Chad Vader saga have done a ton of episodes you can access at the link above. But to get you started, the first episode is below. It’s really a great case study in mental disorder:
