Mental health

Too Young for the Truth?

by Bill Brenner June 9, 2010 Children's issues

Sean learns more about the man he’s named for than the author intended at this young age. All things considered, he took it well. Mood music for this post: “Leslie Anne Levine” from The Decemberists: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ml0VI8VZO2U&hl=en_US&fs=1&] Sean and Duncan were fighting in the bathtub. I can’t remember what started it, or what sparked this angry comment from Sean: “I’d rather commit suicide than apologize [for whatever he did].”  I punished him by making him go…  [Read More]

What the hell? My Manson Obsession Resurfaces

by Bill Brenner June 5, 2010 Crime and punishment

Over the years, people have viewed my obsession over the Manson Murders as an oddity. How could I blame them? The murders took the concept of gore and evil to new heights and dealt the hippie counterculture a body blow it never fully recovered from. Some will fight me on that point, but really — the 60s counterculture’s vision was never the same after Aug. 9, 1969. So why am I bringing this up now…  [Read More]

Hiding in Movies

by Bill Brenner June 3, 2010 Children's issues

The author used to pretend he was a character from movies and TV shows. Then he realized his own life was much more interesting. I used to channel my OCD on movies and TV shows with larger-than-life heroes and villains. Star Wars. Superman. Star Trek. It beat the hell out of real life. I guess it started when I was around 8 and first starting to get really sick from Crohn’s Disease. I had just…  [Read More]

Writing to Save My Life

by Bill Brenner June 2, 2010 Addiction

The author on why he became a writer and how it shaped his recovery from mental illness and addiction. People often ask me how the hell I do so much writing every week, between the three-to-four pieces I do for my employer, CSO Magazine, this blog and a book I’m writing on the side. They also ask how I’m able to write so fast, especially during security conferences. At the Security B-Sides event in San…  [Read More]

Dirt Bag

by Bill Brenner May 28, 2010 Mental disorders

The author admits he’s not a very good person when he lets the demons out. Mood music for this post: “A Rat Like Me” by Motley Crue: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CgiMffbYz1c&hl=en_US&fs=1&] A liar. A hater. Thinking you’re better than other people. These actions describe me pretty well. Not so much today, Thank God. But when the addictions are out of control and the OCD is on full burn, this is who I become. That’s why I have to…  [Read More]

Prozac Summer, Part 2: Timing’s Everything

by Bill Brenner May 27, 2010 Depression

The author has a meeting with Dr. Prozac, and learns a couple things about dosage and timing. Turns out the two are connected. Mood music for this post: “Show Me How to Live” by Audioslave: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vVXIK1xCRpY&hl=en_US&fs=1&] So I’m back from an appointment with Dr. Prozac, who I introduced you to this morning. I’m staying at the lower dose of Prozac until Aug. 1, then she wants me back on my winter dosage. This surprised me….  [Read More]

Prozac Summer

by Bill Brenner May 27, 2010 Depression

The author on the tricky balance between Prozac and sunlight. Mood music for this post: “Times Like These” by The Foo Fighters: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhzmNRtIp8k&hl=en_US&fs=1&] This post is a sequel to Prozac Winter, which I wrote back in January. Back then, I was experiencing some hefty mood swings, which is pretty normal for me at the start of winter. I was listening Nine Inch Nails a lot, which is never a good sign. My therapist and a…  [Read More]

Just a Little Patience

by Bill Brenner May 26, 2010 Addiction

I recently stumbled upon this live version of GnR’s “Patience” and wanted to post it here because it’s always been an inspirational song to me. Being an OCD-wired control freak with a knack for impatience and  endless attempts at recovery before I finally pulled it off, patience was a virtue I simply did not possess. It would be a stretch to say I’ve mastered it at this point in my life, but I at least…  [Read More]

It’s a Disease, Not a Choice

by Bill Brenner May 26, 2010 Addiction

An open letter to those who are angry with a loved one whose addictions are off the rails. Mood music: This is one of those posts where I’m leaving names out to protect privacy. Still, the person this is meant for will know it’s for them, and he/she will be pissed at me. But that’s OK, because I’m saying something that needs to be said. Right now, someone close to you has relapsed into alcoholism….  [Read More]

Hitting Bottom: Songs and Backstory

by Bill Brenner May 23, 2010 Addiction

Hitting bottom is the moment of truth for an addict, whether the shackles are made of heroin, booze or food. I’ve been there. You have a choice: Clean up your act or die a painful death that can be either quick or slow. People ask me all the time about my big moment. The answer is that there wasn’t that one dramatic moment of hitting bottom. It was more a series of bottoms. It was…  [Read More]

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