Random Madness

It’s Saturday morning, and me and the kids are engaging in our weekly ritual.

In a few hours, we go to Salem, Mass., home of former Skeptic Slang guitarist Chris Casey, his wife, Nancy and their kids, Mark and Melissa. I’m going to help them get some old photos online and start a blog for Nancy’s writing.

I’m going to look his kids in the eye and tell them that I’m a little bit responsible for their existence. I did introduce their parents to each other, after all. 😉

I’ll make them listen to the new Slash album, which is quickly becoming my favorite album of the year so far.

Then I’ll put the boys in the car and we’ll head to Saugus so we can make their grandpa buy some school raffles.

All in all, a good day in the making.

The only bummer is that Erin has a work conference to go to. Saturday morning business events. Ah, the life of a freelancer.

Nancy has a stack of old Skeptic Slang photos, which should be hilarious. Expect to see those images in this space soon.

Have a great day.

Why the Cigars Must Go (and Why it Pisses Me Off)

The author needs many coaches to keep clean and sane. Sometimes it sucks.

Mood music for this post: “Sludge Factory” by Alice in Chains:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ej39l_aqkLc&hl=en_US&fs=1&]

Like anyone in recovery, I rely on several coaches to keep me from falling back into the sludge pit.

The OA sponsor keeps me on the path of abstinence (OA-speak for not eating compulsively; like an AA sponsor who helps you stay sober). I have to call her every morning at 6:15 a.m. and tell her exactly what I plan to eat that day. Deviating from the food plan I give her is considered breaking abstinence.

The OA meetings are like AA meetings. You discuss the 12 Steps and how they apply to you. You share your story, and so on. These groups stick together. We keep each other on the sane path.

Then there’s the OCD coach: my therapist. At my craziest I had to see him each week. Then I got better and it was every other week. Now it’s once a month.

In one way or another, they are all interventionists. They see me about to slip and they step in and get in my face.

I often want to punch them in the face. Addicts absolutely hate having the truth forced on them. It’s very inconvenient.

I got a taste of that today in the therapist’s office.

One of the first things we do is go through a checklist of my addictive behaviors and how I’m doing at each one.

Abstinent from binge eating. Check.

Sober from alcohol. Check.

OCD under control. Check.

Then I do something I didn’t plan on doing. It just slipped out. I told him that I’ve only recently come to see what a game of whack-a-mole addictive behavior is, how you put one thing down and find yourself turning to something else.

“And what would those other things be,” he asks with that smart-ass twinkle in his eye.

“Caffeine and cigars,” I say, figuring it’s no big deal. My coffee dependency is well known by all at this point, and there are no health or mental reasons to stop. Hell, I even felt comfortable walking into his office with a Red Bull in my hand.

But screw the caffeine. He heard the word cigar and exploded.

“How often do you smoke?” he bellowed the question.

“How many?”

“Does your family know?”

“How much do cigars cost?”

Then he threw the biggest reason for his disdain in my face: His father got cancer and died from that very habit.

I shrugged it off. After all, addicts know that the thing they are doing could eventually kill them. That’s part of the attraction, even, given the depressive streak we tend to have.

But he persisted.

“There are healthy addictions and unhealthy addictions,” he said. Coffee and exercise can be healthy addictions, he noted. Cigars are not healthy.

I tell him that coffee and exercise absolutely will kill you if done to the extreme long enough.

And back and forth we went.

Here’s the thing, though. I know the cigars are bad. I let it slip out because I’m having that mental war in my head over what to do about it.

See, I know I have to put ’em down.

There.

I said it.

I don’t know when I’m putting them down, but I’m going to, because I know cigars could soon become as much of an obsession as the food and wine was.

The coffee I can live with.

But with the cigars, I’m playing chicken with God. And God never loses at that game.

So now that I’ve come out with it, I invite you all to be interventionists and get in my face if you see me with a cigar — lit or unlit.

I only ask that you give me a one-week grace period.

Expecting me to go cold turkey right now is a bit much to ask.

Ha! The words of an addict in denial come out again.

Meet My Demon

Why the author treats his demon like an imaginary friend, and how it helps.

It won’t give up

It wants me dead

God damn that noise inside my head

From today’s mood music, “The Becoming,” by Trent Reznor, Nine Inch Nails:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDfyR22u_gI&hl=en_US&fs=1&]

At last night’s OA meeting, I saw quite a few people with heavy weights pressing on their minds. I won’t share details, because these meetings are all about anonymity. But it got me thinking…

You see, for all our awful behavior, there’s one thing we addicts do exceptionally well: self-criticize. If you want to meet people who are good at focusing on their own vulnerabilities and venting shame, we are the best there is.

It doesn’t really help us, mind you. It just makes us feel worse and, in response, lose ourselves in our chosen addiction. In OA, the addiction is compulsive overeating. But it’s the same with booze and narcotics.

We often describe it as our inner demon. The demon comes to you when you are feeling low and taps on your shoulder. Then he suggests you sooth your anxieties with a pile of junk.

Many of those who suffer from mental illnesses — mine is OCD, which fuels my addictive behavior — tend to give their demon a persona.

Winston Churchill called it his Black Dog.

I call my demon The Asshole. That’s what he is, after all. He’s my dysfunctional imaginary friend.

I got the idea of making my demon an imaginary friend from my kids, both of whom have imaginary friends. I believe Sean used to call his “Rexally.” Rexally was a sperm whale, by the way.

So let me tell you about The Asshole.

He’s like one of those overbearing relatives who will constantly push food on you when you drop by for dinner.

The Asshole: “Try that slice of pizza. It’s wonderful.”

Me: “No thanks. I’m full.”

The Asshole: “Come on, try it. It’s really good.”

If I’m not in recovery, I shove the slice of pizza down my throat, followed by another 10 slices. When it comes to binge eating, I can’t have just five of something, whether it’s pizza or potato chips. I have to have them all, and when they’re gone I’ll keep pushing other things in my mouth, no matter how vile and shameful I feel two hours later.

When I am in recovery, which, thank God, I am now, I tell The Asshole: “Piss off. I’m full and got things to do.”

Facing The Asshole used to fill me with fear and anxiety. I was the weakest person in the room when he was around.

But in the years since I entered therapy for the OCD, found my Faith and started taking medication, the relationship has changed.

Now The Asshole is more like an annoying cousin; someone I keep at arm’s length. I don’t shut him out of my life completely — I can’t, really — but one day I stopped fearing him, and that made a world of difference.

He still taps my shoulder just about every day. But with the fear gone, I’m able to go about my business.

Another thing that’s changed: What he has to offer just can’t compare with the other parts of my life: My wife and kids. My writing. A good book.

But I’m not stupid. I know he’s never going to go away. He’ll always be there, lying in wait. He’s like a terrorist, that old Asshole. He may lose most days, but he keeps trying, knowing that one of these days he might just pull off the attack.

And, truth be told, I’m never more than a few minutes away from the relapse. It’s that way with anyone in recovery.

And so I must be careful.

The Short, Strange History of Skeptic Slang

The author is tells the story of his 2 years as lead singer of a little-known band called Skeptic Slang.

I avoided this for as long as I could. I don’t like to admit that I used to sing in a band. For one thing, my singing really sucked. For another, the band never went anywhere.

But some pictures of me from around that time have been unearthed, and people are starting to talk.

Here’s the picture of me with hair halfway down my back, in the center:

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I’m bald now, but I still have all that hair on my back. Erin doesn’t mind, so neither do I.

The other thing that has sparked curiosity is this poem I found in an old foot locker last month. It was written by a long-lost friend, Joy Affannato, before she married my best friend, Sean Marley:

“Blessed and Black Clad, Dedicated to Bill Brenner”

Clad in black

with a black-lined heart

like the charred edges

of our burnt society

Gathering the ash

to sift through and find

some satiating solution.

…A poet

with a doctrite of humanity

But, no one really has the answers:

Every question is relevant

And using words of metaphor

he transforms the WRITTEN WORD

At the bottom left of the page she scrawled the logo for Skeptic Slang.

So ok, then. Let’s talk about this band.

Members:

Bill Brenner: Vocals

Chris Casey: Guitar

Elias Andrinopolous: Bass

Joe Gentile: Drums

We got together in the spring of 1992. It started as me and Chris. We’d sit in my basement and write songs, thinking we were the shit. I was going through my chip-in-the shoulder angry phase and was writing all kinds of lyrics about how much I hated my mother and hated that my brother was dead.

There was the song “Knife,” with this jolly refrain: “Knife… You’re my best friend.”

The songs about my mother were called “Tunnel Vision” and “You’re Dead” The song I wrote about my brother was called “Rest.”

Let’s fast-forward for a second: I should point out that today I do not carry a knife and I don’t hate my mother. I love her, despite our inability to get along.

Back to the past: Chris and I were smoking buddies with a lot of the same anger at life. We were a natural fit. Then Elias came along; a peaceful, friendly soul who was in many ways the opposite of me. Joe joined later, but he was older than the rest of us and was in and out of the band.

At the time, I was also working at the legendary Rockit Records, and being a musician was sort of an unspoken bonus.

We went out and bought a bunch of gear at Daddy’s Junky Music on Route 1 in Peabody: Amps, a mixing board, PA system, monitors. We didn’t know how to use any of it, and we were on a payment plan as if we had purchased a new car together.

But it looked cool and made us loud in the bomb shelter beneath the garage that we practiced in. This was in the house in Lynnfield, where I lived from late 1992 to late-1995.

We wrote a lot of songs and practiced. And practiced. And practiced. Elias was the least experienced on his instrument, but quickly became the best musician of us all. I was the worst. I couldn’t sing to save my life.

But I could write lyrics, and that was all that was required.

When it was time for a break, we’d go out into the woods and smoke pot. In fact, the last time I smoked pot was with them. I stopped when I started dating Erin.

We played a couple acoustic sets along the way at Roosevelts, a hang-out in Salem. We did a couple performances at North Shore Community College in Lynn.

Then we did a battle of the bands event, and it was a disaster.

Elias’ bass was way out of tune as we launched into the opening song. Instead of just rolling with it, we panicked. it was all hell from there.

We retreated to the bunker and did more writing and practicing. Those songs would never be played live. Joe had a kid and had less and less time for the band. Chris burned out and left. After awhile it was just be and Elias. We tried to keep it going with a new guitarist, who played wonderfully but could never settle on anything. We kicked him out, and Elias and I continued on for awhile longer.

Then it just sort of stopped.

But I’ll tell you what: That band, bad as we were — or I was, anyway — was a Godsend. I was going through a lot of depression back then and clashed with everyone.

The band gave me an outlet to vent those emotions. It couldn’t save me from my addictions, but it saved me from my worst instincts, one of which was to go out and destroy things, whether that meant kicking a dent into the side of my dark-blue 1985 Monte Carlo or throwing stuff around in my father’s warehouse.

It wasn’t meant to last, but it was there when I needed it most.

After the band disintegrated, the music store bought back all the gear, Elias went on to study classical guitar and I went frantically forward in my pursuit of a career in journalism.

A tape of our songs is probably kicking around somewhere. Someday it will surface.

We’ll listen and have a good laugh. Not at the guitar, drums and bass, which were very good. But at the rest of the package.

To Chris, Elias and Joe: Thanks for the memories.

The OCD Diaries 4-2-10: Long-haired Freaks

Mood music for this post: “Hurt,” by Johnny Cash (cover of the Nine Inch Nails song):

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o22eIJDtKho&hl=en_US&fs=1&]

Going through an old stack of books this afternoon, I found this photo:

I’m on the left holding the bass. On the right is Sean Marley. I told you about him in the post “Marley and Me.”

The photo is one of those stupid mock rock magazine covers, shot in the summer of 1989 at a carnival on the grounds of the Suffolk Downs racetrack near Revere Beach.

It was a simpler time. I had seen my share of illness and death by then, but that summer was a more innocent era. As close to normal as things got back then.

My addictive behavior had already taken root but wasn’t yet at the self-destructive point. The OCD was there at that point, but I hadn’t yet become aware of the patterns. All I knew at that point was that I hated authority and I had a mighty temper.

Sean was a unique character with a dark side at that point, but he was not yet showing signs of a depression that would eventually kill him. That wouldn’t show its wretched face for another five years.

That summer was about parties in my basement, music and getting ready for college.

I had absolutely no clue what was ahead of me.

The kid in that picture wouldn’t like who I am today. He would despise the Catholicism and make fun of the 12-Step program. But we’d still have a love of heavy metal in common.

Come to think of it, if today I had to spend time in the same space as the kids in that picture, I probably wouldn’t like either of them all that much. I’d tolerate them though.

I’m Blessed beyond comprehension with the life I have today. But, admittedly, looking at that picture hurts a little. A lot of good people have come and gone since then.

It’s a little overwhelming to think about, so instead I’ll go to bed.


SLOB

Erin pointed something out to me earlier: Ever since I got a handle on my OCD, I’ve been a slob.

Sure, I shower daily and clean my clothes, but when my mind was off the rails, I was a cleanliness freak. Everything had to be put away just so. Coming home to find a couch pillow on the floor would send me into a tizzy.

Now I’m apparently leaving a lot of things lying around: Books, kids’ backpacks, my shoes and laptop bag, and so on.

http://www.perfectescapes.com/TheSuiteLife/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/destroyed-room.jpg

On the one hand, I feel much better not getting so wound up about these things. On the other hand, it makes for a messy house. Call it the other side of the extreme.

I guess I should get to work on that one.

Funny thing, though. Back in Revere I was usually a slob, letting that basement bedroom fill up with dirty clothes and used towels. It wasn’t until Erin and I married and got our own place that I started becoming a neat freak.

Feast or famine.

Things Don’t Go As Planned

A day that doesn’t meet expectations can take you to a pretty dark place when your head isn’t screwed on just right.

Mood music for this post: “Psycho Therapy” by The Ramones:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34wASuHRuRo&hl=en_US&fs=1&]

This day hasn’t gone as planned. That can be frustrating when your brain works the way it’s supposed to.

When the traffic in your skull doesn’t flow properly — which is usually the case when you have OCD — a day that suddenly changes shape will spark a serious case of crazy.

In my case, that means high anxiety, followed by multiple temper tantrums, followed by addictive behavior — binge eating in my case — and then a migraine with the urge to throw up. Not necessarily in that order, but usually in that order.

A flight gets delayed or canceled? Bad reaction. Car breaks down? Bad reaction. A carefully constructed schedule ripped apart by shifting winds? Catasrophic reaction.

Back during the ice storm that paralyzed New England in December 2008, we woke up to no electricity. I didn’t have a particularly heavy schedule that Friday, but I still had plans that involved Internet access. I could focus on nothing else until we found a place in Methuen that had power and Internet access. All so I could look at e-mails and check Facebook.

Pretty damn stupid.

Of course, this was a month before I got my BlackBerry, which has enabled me to stay connected in more recent power outages.

But still, pretty stupid.

All I really had to do that day was spend time with the kids. I did later that day, but I was too wound to enjoy it. That’s what the disease does: rob you of precious moments.

This was only a couple months after I started my 12-Step Program, so my psyche was still pretty raw. It was also at the start of the Christmas season, which always seems to throw me into depression and general craziness.

So about today: It didn’t go at all as planned. I started work at 4:30 a.m., and at 6 a.m. the power went out. No bad weather outside to cause it and no answers from the power company.

I had a full day planned: Record a podcast, post some articles I wrote this week, take a phone call for the book project, and so on.

Then 10 minutes passed and the power remained off. It turned out that most of Haverhill and parts of Methuen and North Andover went dark, so school was called off. Both kids home for the day. A day where I had a packed agenda. We wound up at a friend’s house in Hampstead, N.H., which did have power, and I set about doing the podcast. An hour-long process stretched to three hours, as the podcasting software decided this would be the perfect day to crash repeatedly.

On it went.

The good news is that I managed to hold on to my sanity, although I was fairly crabby. I still am, in fact.

But things worked out, The work got done. Nobody got hurt.

I didn’t binge. I didn’t yell at anyone. I didn’t get any panic attacks.

That’s real progress.

And yet I’m still pissed at myself, because I could have handled today’s twists and turns so much better than I did.

But I’m not going to sit here and dwell on it. Why bother?

Besides, things are looking up.

The sun is finally shining and the pavement is drying.

I’m going to visit the chiropractor in Newburyport shortly, so I’ll be able to get out there and enjoy it. Newburyport is one of my favorite places, and even a drive in for an appointment is a treat.

And Lent is technically over, which means a nice cigar is in my future.

http://jthechub.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/cigar_pic.jpg

Pouring Gas on the Fire

People in recovery often go into hyper mode, making up for time wasted in the grip of addiction. Mix in some OCD and here’s what happens…

Mood music for this post: “Gasoline” by Audioslave:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6_C4rV7x-Y&hl=en_US&fs=1&]

I was talking to a dear friend this morning about the radio show I was pushing in my last post, SixxSense, and how the show’s host, Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx, has been a hurricane of activity since he became sober. I noted how he has a clothing line, two bands (Motley and Sixx A.M.) and a best-selling book to his credit. Oh yeah, there’s also his charity for runaways.

“Sounds a lot like your life,” the friend said. Not that what I’m doing is anywhere near as huge as what the Sixx machine has going on. But, the point was, I have a lot of irons in the fire. All the time.

Someone else asked me recently how I can write something new in this blog every day and still maintain the fast pace of writing and reporting on the security side, not to mention all the family responsibilities. And the book I’m starting to write. And the active participation in my church and 12-Step Program.

http://tothevillagesquare.org/images/gasoline-can-and-pork-rinds.jpg

The answer is simple, and pretty much the same as it is for a lot of people who have found recovery. I’m making up for lost time; years I wasted in the haze of depression and binge eating.

But the extra drive is also fueled by an energy people like us discover once the haze lifts. Things that used to inspire dread and cause exhaustion become much, much easier to do. And so you want to do more. It’s almost a new addiction in itself.

But for me there’s a twist: My addictive behavior was a byproduct of OCD out of control. Now that I seem to have the upper hand over addiction, the OCD itself has changed in some ways.

One reason for that is all the therapy and finally the medication it took to get my head screwed on right. The OCD moments went from being triggered by fear and anxiety to other, more welcome things: Mainly a renewed interest in all the life I had run away from in the past.

The work doesn’t feel like work. I’m lucky to be doing things I love. So I try to do more. The different outlook toward work, in turn, makes it easier for me to show up for my wife, kids, church and more.

Some of this may sound confusing and even a little jarring. It is.

But this is still a fairly new experience for me, and I haven’t found all the boundaries yet. When I do, there will no doubt be some growing pains. But that’s as it should be.

I trust my family and friends to confront me when I’ve gone too far and damaged my health or relationships.

Above all, I trust God to guide me along the right path.

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Let it burn.

The Flood

The author on how the deluge Massachusetts is experiencing is as brutal on the mind as it is on basements.

Mood music for this post: “Rain When I Die” by Alice in Chains:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMm0bpbOOkU&hl=en_US&fs=1&]

This isn’t a new topic for me, since I’ve mentioned it many times. But New England is currently getting pounded by another deluge, so it’s worth repeating.

This weather is brutal for people who suffer from depression. The dark-gray sky leaves the sufferer feeling as though they’re locked in a tomb.

Abraham Lincoln, who suffered from severe depression his whole life, was driven to the brink of suicide more than once in the 1840s — two decades before he was president — during periods of prolonged, intense rain, according to Lincoln’s Melancholyby Joshua Wolf Shenk.

It’s especially rough on children who suffer from anxiety. Just hearing the weatherman say the word flooding is enough to cause panic.

I tend to experience dark moods during heavy rains, but I think the short daylight of winter hits me harder. Fortunately, an adjustment of my Prozac intake has helped considerably.

Not much more to add here that I haven’t already said before, except that if you know someone who suffers from depression and addiction, show them some friendship and keep an eye out for them.

The Bright Side of Exhaustion

Mood music for this post: “So Tired,” by The Beatles:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZf9ncOQ2xM&hl=en_US&fs=1&]

I don’t particularly enjoy lying around. To be idle is to not be living.

Even back when I was holing myself up in a dark room or dragging my mentally exhausted ass to the couch for hours at a time, I didn’t really like it. But back then I was pinned to the wall by depression and his partners in crime: fear and anxiety. I didn’t have much of a choice, because those punks were stronger than me.

The fear and anxiety went away a long time ago, so now I really despise being idle. But that’s what I did this morning. I told my editor I was down for the count, took the kids to school, then came back here and collapsed for three hours. I think I even plunged into some REM sleep, which is almost unheard of for me in daylight.

But I needed to force myself down. The migraine I wrote about yesterday was likely the body crying for help because I’ve been pushing it hard in recent weeks.

I’m plowing through a lot of write-ups for CSO because there’s so much good material to work with of late. It’s Lent, so I’m doing a lot of extra activity at Church, including Tuesday nights helping out with the RCIA group. I’ve started my security book project, even though no publishing deal is on the table yet. I’m making plans for another trip to California, and I went into Cambridge with migraine aftershocks rattling around in my skull so I could give a keynote talk on social networking security threats at MIT. That was a ton of fun, by the way. Talks always go well when you have a lively, curious audience to work with.

That’s a lot, but I love it all too much to put something down.

When you’ve been mentally and spiritually dead and you’re lucky enough to come back to life, you develop a habit of cramming as much life as possible into every day. The things that were once cause for fear become cherished activities.

The bright side of exhaustion is that when I’m stuck on the couch I can think about how life used to be and truly appreciate where I’m at. And the exhaustion itself is kind of nice. Because it comes from being able to do a lot of cool things.

It’s a more satisfying form of fatigue.

That said, I’ll be happy when my energy comes back.

Maybe a switch in mood music will help. And if it doesn’t restore some energy, I can at least enjoy the chuckle that always comes from hearing Vince Neil sing live:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Lz6qLQ4xSM&hl=en_US&fs=1&]