Sobriety and abstinence

Mr. Sunshine is on Sabbatical

by Bill Brenner August 14, 2011 Coping tools

It has come to my attention that I’ve been irritable lately. I’m not as outgoing as usual. I don’t have the usual energy. Those who have noted my descending mood trace it back to early June — after Dad suffered his two strokes. My initial reaction to that was irritation. Too fucking bad, I thought. So sorry I allowed Mr. Sunshine to take a sabbatical. How inconvenient for everyone. After a few minutes of that, I…  [Read More]

Rethinking Jani Lane Upon His Death

by Bill Brenner August 12, 2011 Addiction

Former Warrant singer Jani Lane was found dead last night in a Comfort Inn in L.A. at age 47. It’s unclear at this point what the cause is, but his death is making me re-think a few things about my attitude. Mood music: I remember when Warrant came out in the late 1980s. I couldn’t stand them. Sure, they sounded good. Crunchy guitar sound. Good vocals. But it all sounded so fake. I thought “Cherry Pie”…  [Read More]

An Expected Encounter With My Mother

by Bill Brenner August 11, 2011 Depression

I’m in my therapist’s office, going over the things he routinely asks about to make sure I’m playing with a full deck. He asks if I’ve talked to mom recently. No, I tell him. But, I expect to see her this weekend — the first time in two years. Mood music: He asks if I’m nervous about it. To my surprise as well as his, I tell him I’m not — and I actually mean…  [Read More]

I Am Absolutely Powerless

by Bill Brenner August 9, 2011 Addiction

Second in a series… Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over (insert addiction) — that our lives had become unmanageable. Mood music: I am powerless. Or, you could say, my addictions have absolute power over me. Even when sober and abstinent, they are right behind me, doing push-ups, waiting for my one reckless moment of weakness. Now that I know this, life is a lot better. I can do what I must to be well and I’m…  [Read More]

When Playing It Safe Makes Things Worse

by Bill Brenner August 5, 2011 Children's issues

I had coffee with a friend from the security industry yesterday. I thought I was coming to offer feedback on something having to do with the profession. Then he told me about a mental-emotional problem. Mood music: [spotify:track:4DA95pyBe6QORPGvTEuMWQ] He told me he had a bunch of medical tests and they discovered that a small corner of his brain doesn’t work as well as it should. The result is that his short-term memory frequently takes a…  [Read More]

My Name Is Bill. I’m Addicted To Stuff

by Bill Brenner August 2, 2011 Addiction

Given all I’ve written about my recovery from addictive behavior, you’re probably wondering why I’ve dragged you back into this dark room. The simple answer is that my fight is far from over. Mood music: This post is the opening salvo of what will be a weekly series on the 12 Steps of Recovery and how they apply to me. Since the start of the year I’ve been focusing more intently on the AA Big…  [Read More]

I Thought I Was Perfect. I Was Just Stupid

by Bill Brenner July 26, 2011 Addiction

Let me tell you about the time I wanted to be perfect, how the urge nearly ruined me and how I learned to accept — if not embrace — my flaws. One of the great delusions an OCD sufferer labors under is the notion that he/she can achieve absolute perfection. Maybe the goal is to be the perfect employee. Maybe it’s to be the perfect parent and spouse. In some cases, the goal can even…  [Read More]

You Can Change Your Name, But You Can’t Hide Who You Are

by Bill Brenner July 26, 2011 Communication Skills

An epilogue to yesterday’s post about Lynn, Mass.: A reader reminded me yesterday of the time some Lynners tried to get the city’s name changed so the “Lynn, Lynn city of sin” insult could no longer apply. Mood music: From my friend Katherine Doot: “Thought they wanted to change the name to Ocean Park some years ago? So it was Ocean Park Ocean Park never go out after dark?!” I had forgotten about that, but…  [Read More]

A Word Or Two On Amy Winehouse

by Bill Brenner July 23, 2011 Addiction

I’ve been asked for my thoughts, as a recovered recovering addict, on the death of singer Amy Winehouse at age 27. To be honest, I don’t think I have anything to say that hasn’t already been said. I was never really a fan, though I did think she had genuine talent. I feel for her fans. I remember the sadness I felt when Kurt Cobain died. It all goes to show that addiction and mental illness…  [Read More]

Brain to Body: Drop Dead

by Bill Brenner July 20, 2011 Coping tools

I drove two hours yesterday to participate in a security event at Dartmouth and drove back this morning. A great experience, but I’ve gotten little done since then. I really hate inactivity. I like to cram as much as I can into each day, and I like to throw everything I have into my job. But all I can do is sit in this chair, trying to motivate myself to move, pounding head be damned….  [Read More]

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