Category: Uncategorized

Both kids have reached double digits since I last did a post like this, which means they’ve gone from cute to witty. Like their old man, that wit is delivered with a sharp tongue. Here’s what they’ve been saying and doing in recent weeks.

Like a lot of kids their age, Sean and Duncan are very much into Minecraft and Wii LEGO games. They take the activities very seriously and will frequently yell at the laptop or TV if things aren’t going their way. Sometimes I try to brighten their spirits, reminding them it’s only a game that should be fun. Other times I’ll needle them. Either way, they work hard to come back with real crushers.

Sean: “Dad, nobody likes you. I can’t for the life of me figure out what Mom sees in you.”

Duncan: “Get a life, Dad. I hear they’re good.”

Ask the kids who’s in charge of the castle, and they won’t hesitate to tell you it ain’t me.

Sean, describing his mom’s vocal level when one of us is in trouble: “When she yells ‘Move!’ all the dead people jump out of their graves and run.”

Sean: “Dad is very careful to make sure Mom gets downtime. He knows that when she doesn’t get downtime, everything burns.”

Noticing that Sean didn’t put his bowl in the dishwasher, I made him come downstairs.

Me: “Look in the sink and tell me what’s wrong with this picture.”

Sean: “You’re in it.”

We’re sitting in the orthodontist’s waiting room when a mom brings her 7 year old son in for his first appointment. The boy says he’s a little scared and “hopes the laser doesn’t hurt.”

Hearing this, Sean tells him, “Don’t worry. It doesn’t hurt till after they’re done with the laser.”

Sean’s self-portrait:

Duncan recently made his own fortune cookies. This included writing the fortunes:

The boys love to get a rise out of each other. Sean likes to use art as a weapon:

I’ve seen a lot of dumb things on the Return of Kings website. There was the “Five Reasons to Date a Girl with an Eating Disorder” and another rant about how women who don’t reproduce hurt society. Now there’s an article about how society owes men sex.

Mood music:

Now, it wouldn’t be fair to criticize without looking at the background of the site. Return of Kings is described as “a blog for heterosexual, masculine men. It’s meant for a small but vocal collection of men in America today who believe men should be masculine and women should be feminine.” I believe in free speech. Accordingly, I think the authors have the right to say what they want, no matter how ridiculous I find it. It’s possible, too, that the authors’ ultimate goal is satire.

There’s also a surge in troll blogging, where headlines like those above are tossed out to get a reaction. But since there are those who will take the headlines seriously, not seeing it for what it is, someone has to occasionally respond and debunk.

In the latest article, the author claims that sex is a birthright of the male species, an important status symbol. Men who aren’t rewarded with a good woman are looked down upon, and the more of them there are, the more society decays.

From the post:

A tribe that fails to set up its young men with women keeps false faith on its side of the social contract. If they won’t get you a woman they’re telling you you’re worthless—that you don’t deserve to pass down your line. They don’t want you. A group that values you makes sure you have sexual relationships that bind you to your people and give you a stake that you’ll be willing to defend when the going gets tough. Because they value you, they want your genes in the next generation

A group that does nothing to help, or outright cockblocks you, is just a parasite that feeds on itself. It becomes a society of death that  prevents reproduction, setting the sexes against each other, tearing them apart. It becomes like a planet with an acid atmosphere and crushing gravity; a place hostile to human life.

There’s the suggestion that women are trophies; that sex is a man’s reward for being manly. To believe the post is to believe that intimacy is something you win like the spoils of war. There’s nothing in here about mutual respect and love.

Some people see sex as an extracurricular activity, a casual thing. I see nothing wrong with that. If that’s what makes both partners happy, who am I to judge?

Others see it as the author of that post: something a man needs to be respected. Women can experience the same pressure.

I was a late bloomer who wasted a lot of time worrying about the pursuit of sex. I had lousy luck and therefore felt subhuman. It’s a very common experience. Once I got there, I felt dumb for making such a big deal about it in the first place.

No one owed me anything. For me, it was simply a matter of finding true love, which I ultimately did.

The folks at Return of Kings can have their big, dumb sex and write all they want about what it takes to be a man. It doesn’t make them right, and it doesn’t mean we have to believe them.

Just a quick note that there will be no fresh posts here for the next week. Don’t worry, nothing’s wrong. I’ll simply be at a big security event and will be plenty busy there. Until then, peace be with you all. 🙂

When CVS Pharmacy announced it would stop selling tobacco products last week, most people were either supportive or indifferent. Then there were a few suggesting the chain is a loyal foot soldier of the so-called nanny state; telling people what they can and can’t buy.

Mood music:

Most of the discontent is over at Fox News, where The Real Story host Gretchen Carlson asked her guests, “Is it OK legally … to restrict tobacco availability in a private store like this? For people who smoke, you know, they have a right to buy cigarettes. It’s not illegal.”

Fox Business pundits Neil Cavuto and Melissa Francis bemoaned the slippery slope CVS was traveling down, asking what’s next: Ring Dings? Doritos?

Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Here’s mine:

CVS has the right to decide what it will and won’t sell — whether it’s tobacco or junk food. People who don’t like it can shop elsewhere.

People do have the right to buy cigarettes. I myself use e-cigs and usually buy them at one of my local gas stations. People can buy their junk food pretty much anywhere.

The freedom to abuse oneself won’t end because CVS has gone down this path.

Frankly, I think CVS showed balls in nixing tobacco. In the short term, at least, the decision is going to cut into its bottom line. It’s choosing to strip itself to the roots and strengthen its hand as a company that deals in health. Good for CVS.

Even if it were bad for the company, so what? The owners can do what they want. Because, you know, theirs IS a private company.

When a few days go by without a new post from me, I frequently get emails from readers asking if I’m OK.

That’s the thing about writing a blog about one’s struggle against the demons. Go away for a while and people start worrying that you’re in the throes of depression or any number of physical illnesses.

Mood music:

Truth be told, the concern makes me grateful. But the well-being checks aren’t necessary.

When I started this blog four years ago, I wrote obsessively. I published at least one new post a day. Sometimes I did as many as four. In the last year, though, I’ve dropped it to four posts on a normal week, with week-long breaks during vacations and business travel. Pacing myself made sense, especially after digging into older posts one day and discovering that in my craze to post daily material I was writing a lot of sub-standard stuff.

I also decided that if I’m on vacation, I should be on vacation. If I’m on a business trip, I should just focus on that. It makes all the more sense since Erin took on the role of editing my posts. She has her own business to run, and sending her a gazillion posts a week to edit would make me a bad husband.

So when you don’t see something new for a few days or a week, no need to worry.

Besides, I don’t completely disappear. When I don’t write something new, I still share older posts on Facebook on a daily basis. I look at these posts as songs to be replayed when they fit the mood I’m experiencing at any given time.

You won’t see new posts this week because I’m going to put all my energy into wrapping up work projects ahead of Thanksgiving. Then I’ll take the holiday weekend off, and be back Dec. 2.

Have a fantabulous holiday, and thanks for your continued support and readership. I am thankful for all of you.

My post about narcissism the other day was meant to be lighthearted, poking fun at myself and others who tend to have big egos. But some readers took it very seriously. I’m glad they did, because the resulting discussion pointed to another truth:

There’s a big difference between those who enjoy attention and true narcissists.

Mood music:

Fellow writer Laurel Hermanson noted the difference quite clearly:

I think there is an important distinction between occasional or even frequent self-absorption and narcissism. We throw the n-word around too often to describe people who aren’t true narcissists. There are traits other than ego and attention seeking that define narcissism, and they’re much uglier and more firmly entrenched.

Reader C.Z. gave more details:

I think the big difference between you, your friends, hopefully myself (cough!) on the one hand — and then the CLINICAL Narcissist on the other — is that of empathy. The real way to know this sort of thing is “bad news” is not so much the degree to which someone seems self-involved (and we shouldn’t be this way, of course — though, in another sense, life does happen “in the first-person singular,” and we all have our faults too );  rather, I’d say the serious warning-signs start when someone *fails* to care for other people.

As I said the other day, the best thing we can do is work every day to be better people. Just about everyone I know already does that.

You know my story, because I write about myself a lot. Now, feel free to talk among — and about — yourselves.

A good friend whose frequent critiques have given me more ideas for blog posts than probably anyone else was at it again this weekend.

I made a joke about a mutual friend talking too much about himself. (I was busting balls. That mutual friend is really a humble guy.) To that, my friend the critic asked, “What about people who write about themselves all the time?”

Mood music:

He’s right. I do write about myself a lot. I do it for a specific purpose — using myself as a lab rat in the ongoing experiment of OCD management — but I won’t lie and tell you that I go at it from a purely humble, selfless direction. When people find my work valuable, my ego swells. Where there’s a big ego, there’s narcissism. I’m somewhat of a rare breed because I come right out and admit it. No one likes to admit they have narcissistic behavior.

My friend has a narcissistic streak as well. He posts a ton about his workouts, travels and job. That’s fine by me and everyone else, because he’s an interesting guy bringing good stuff to the table.

Many of our friends and colleagues are the same way. To varying degrees we have healthy egos and share a lot about ourselves, particularly on Facebook, Twitter and other social networks.

Social media is a lot like Middle Earth in Lord of the Rings. For us, the ring isn’t something Frodo Baggins wears around his neck. It’s the narcissism we each carry within ourselves. We are a fellowship of narcissists.

Not that I’m completely comfortable about that. I’m always trying to be a better person, and I know my sense of humility needs work. That’s what my faith tells me. That’s what my recovery program tells me.

But knowing and practicing are two different things.

It’s something I’ll keep working on. For now, I take comfort in knowing I’m not traveling this road alone.

Yesterday I was sick all day. At one point, I watched little bits of nonsense on YouTube, waiting for my brain function and motor skills to wake up. Humor can be as good as the strongest cup of coffee on days like this.

Below is something that truly captures the special characteristics of Boston Red Sox fans. It’s a pretty good reflection of Bostonians, period. I say this with total affection. I’m not as rabid a sports fan as many in this town, but I am a product of Boston and see some of myself in this clip.

It’s a MasterCard commercial spoof, in which rabid Red Sox fans list all the precious things they’d part with if the Sox were to win the World Series, as of course they did. This actually followed the Sox’s 2004 World Series win and is making the rounds again in the wake of the team’s 2013 win.

After the win, it’s time to pay the piper, and the results are indeed “priceless.”

I’ve gotten a few messages since writing about Erin Cox, the North Andover High School senior punished by school administrators after driving to a teen drinking party to pick up an intoxicated friend. They suggested that I fell for a fabrication weaved by the girl’s lawyer, that she was in fact drunk and I should be prepared to rewrite my post.

Mood music:

The feedback I received is that the girl was in fact drinking and that it was caught on video. Maybe, someone suggested, the parents and lawyer are trying to change the story so the girl doesn’t lose her scholarships. Maybe, someone else suggested, the girl lied to her parents to avoid punishment, not expecting her parents to hire a lawyer and make a big stir in the media.

If either situation is true, it wouldn’t be the first time someone lied to generate public sympathy. When we hear these stories, we get outraged and then feel like fools when the truth inevitably comes out.

Whatever the case may be, I won’t be rewriting that post.

One reason is that I left open the possibility that the story wasn’t what it appeared to be; you never know what kind of information is revealed in closed-door disciplinary hearings. The other reason is that posts like these are snapshots in time, my reaction to a story as presented in the moment. If I turn out to be wrong, I’m not going to rewrite it and pretend it never happened. I’ll simply write a follow-up. If that follow-up consists of me admitting I was duped, so be it.

For now, I continue to give Erin Cox the benefit of the doubt, because I haven’t seen any evidence that she lied. If a teen at the party has video-recorded proof she was drunk and the video hasn’t come out after a couple weeks, that’s a lot of self-control for a teenager. Videos like that tend to make it onto YouTube in short order. I’m not saying the video doesn’t exist. I’m just skeptical at this point.

Could police be covering for the girl, not wanting to see her scholarships pulled away? It wouldn’t be the first time something like that happened. But I haven’t seen evidence of that, either.

For now, I’m still inclined to believe North Andover School officials went overboard with the punishment.

The truth, whatever it is, always comes out in the end, so we’ll have to wait and see.

I’ve told you about our challenges helping our son Duncan manage ADHD. We recently ratcheted up our efforts by getting him neuropsychological testing. When his pediatrician suggested it, I wasn’t particularly happy. It sounded scary.

I pictured our boy hooked up to electrodes with his brainwaves being scrutinized on a bank of computers. The experience turned out to be nothing of the sort.

He spent three hours with the specialist, who walked him through a bunch of exercises she could use to observe his responses. He did a bit more testing Wednesday without his morning dose of Ritalin so the specialist could compare and contrast. The testing is designed to measure things such as how long it takes a child to respond to questions, write down lists of words and math problems, and so on. All the reading I’ve done suggests it’s a deliberately tedious process to ensure no mental stone is left unturned.

I got a taste of it with the thick stack of forms I had to fill out. The forms asked many of the same questions, in different orders and wording from one to the next. Questions include how long it takes my child to do homework, how long he takes to get dressed in the morning, how he reacts with other children, and whether he has any out-of-the-ordinary facial and hand movements. It took me more than an hour to complete the paperwork, and the specialist was surprised I did it so quickly. I explained to her that I read a lot of technical documents for work. But after she reacted that way I found myself worried that I wasn’t careful or thorough enough. So I took another half hour to read over what I’d filled out.

Why do all this?

Because even though it’s been a couple years since his diagnosis, there’s still much we don’t know. For example: Is it just ADHD that dogs him, or are other disorders mixed in? Is the medication he takes truly what he needs? Ultimately, we’ll use the information — as will his teachers at school — to make the necessary accommodations to help him succeed in school and elsewhere. He does very well academically and his teachers are working hard to give him what he needs, so I have hope.

It all goes to show that this is an ongoing process. I don’t think we’ll ever have all the answers or the perfect learning environment for Duncan. The key for us is to be consistent and keep hammering away at the problem. I really feel for Duncan when he has to go through the testing and classroom inconsistencies. We just want him to be happy. More importantly, though, we want him to realize his true potential. If this is what it takes, so be it.

He has much in his favor. Despite massive inconsistencies from one school to the next, we have many more tools to deal with childhood mental disorders than when I was a kid. Whenever I need a reminder of that, I just pull out my fourth-grade report card. Compared to the fourth grader I was in 1980-81, Duncan is light years ahead in mind, body and soul. I chalk most of that up to the fact that he’s got a deep creative streak, a fighting spirit and a heart of gold.

But the support system he has at home and school certainly don’t suck.