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Dad Was a Survivor

Note: This is not Dad’s official obituary — just my tribute to him.

Thursday we gathered by Dad’s bedside to say goodbye. He lived for three more days. That was Dad. He was a survivor, tougher than leather and stubborn to the last. Around 3 this afternoon, his journey finally ended.

Mood music:

https://youtu.be/bT7bbgsyzKc

The last two months with him were a gift. By the end, nothing was left unsaid. He knew how I felt about him and I knew how he felt about me. We got to spend a lot of time trading wits and laughing about all the trouble I got into as a kid. He seemed satisfied with how I turned out.

His mind was sharp to the end, rattling off how he wanted his various business interests wrapped up, how he wanted money invested, how he wanted me to do things that were cheaper than other things.

Dad never had it easy. He faced crushing difficulties. He ran the family business from the time he was a teenager, when his own father fell ill. After the business burned in the Great Chelsea Fire of 1973, he rebuilt in Saugus, Mass. He and my stepmom expanded the business into a global enterprise and thrived.

He endured a tough divorce, lost his oldest child to an asthma attack, and helped my sister through long periods of crippling depression.

He had a lot on his plate with me, for sure. I was sick and hospitalized a lot with Crohn’s Disease as a kid. I was an outcast who rebelled constantly. I saw his efforts to make me work and earn my money as tyranny and gave him a lot of grief. But as I grew older, my work ethic kicked in and I think he thought that his efforts with me had paid off.

He was a man without a filter. He’d tell people exactly what he thought. If he thought you were getting fat, he’d say so. If you came to our house to find him walking around in his underwear, he didn’t care. He was a human honey badger.

Under the tough exterior was a heart of gold. He took care of his family no matter what. He took care of his employees, too. One time, when an employee needed some extra financial assistance with a newborn baby, Dad quipped, “I’m paying for this kid and I didn’t even get to have any fun.”

He loved the little kids. He loved to push their buttons and be a tease. He lived life on his terms right to the end. It was a sight to behold.

I inherited the habit of loving and teasing the kids. I’d like to think I inherited his toughness, too, but I’ll let others be the judge.

Thanks, Dad.

Brenner Paper Co. after the 1973 Chelsea Fire
Dad and an employee stand over the rubble of Brenner Paper Company after the 1973 Chelsea fire. Within a year, he had the business back up and running from a new building in Saugus.

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Thanks for Everything, Aunt Marlene

Marlene Brenner died yesterday at the age of 68. She was my aunt — my father’s younger sister — and I owe her a lot.

Mood music:

Aunt Marlene was a constant presence in my childhood. With my siblings and grandmother, we’d go on trips to the White Mountains and lakes of New Hampshire. Many a family meal was had at her house in the Point of Pines, Revere, which was a quick walk from my father’s house at the southern part of the neighborhood and my mother’s house from the northern section.

My parents divorced when I was 10 and I often hung out in that house to escape the difficulties. I loved that house. More often than not, it was a place for holiday celebrations.

At the family business in Saugus, my aunt had a needlepoint shop in the building for a time in the 1970s. I used to hide in her back room watching Saturday-morning cartoons on the little TV she kept in there. In later years my father put a shoe store in that space and my aunt managed it for many years.

I remember her checking the ingredients of every food package before letting me have it because I was often sick from Crohn’s Disease and wasn’t supposed to have milk.

Her family always came first. She focused on the family business at the expense of a social life.

She didn’t have it easy. She would often isolate herself from the rest of the world and skip family gatherings later in life. As a kid I didn’t quite understand that, but as an adult it was clear that like me and other family members, she suffered from depression.

She suffered a stroke in mid-March and never really recovered from it. Her decline coincided with that of my father, who is still hanging on in hospice as I write this.

It’s been a sad time for the family. But I’ve spent a lot of that time looking through old photo albums my aunt and grandmother kept, learning more about a rich family history I couldn’t grasp as a kid. That’s been a huge gift.

Mostly, my memories are full of family doing the best they could under often difficult circumstances. That includes memories are of my aunt taking me to the mountains and lakes, giving me crucial breaks from my own personal demons.

I’ll never forget that, and I’m forever grateful.

Rest in peace, Aunt Marlene.

11233584_10206903765659088_811418066703332535_o

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On Skipping Security Cons

On Twitter last month, friend and fellow infosec professional Marcus Carey suggested industry peers place too much importance on conferences:

One can take the tweet several ways.

Mood music:
https://youtu.be/gWWWBvxEXZM

Some might say he’s criticizing conference organizers for roping in people who spend all their time speaking at and attending conferences and too little time in their organizations working on the daily challenges the bad guys throw in front of us.

Others might say he’s picking on people who attend a lot of conferences simply to be seen. I don’t think he is, especially since every time I’ve seen him in person, it’s been at a security conference. The conferences I attend have a lot of repeat speakers who I’ll never get tired of listening to, such as security pioneer Dan Geer. (Watch him speak at Black Hat 2014.) Other famous speakers have done a lot of important work over time but have become less relevant lately. I won’t name names here, but yeah, I’m tired of seeing them as keynoters.

The debate over security conferences will go on into infinity. Carey’s soul searching sparked something within me, though, and it’s unlikely it has much to do with his intent.

I love security conferences. I love traveling around the world to attend them. I’ve made countless connections that have taught me many lessons in how this industry ticks. It wouldn’t be a stretch to say my conference attendance led to my current job.

But I have to admit that as the years have gone on, I’ve become almost obsessive about getting to conferences. To skip them is to be invisible and irrelevant. To stay away is to no longer be respected.
That’s how my mind presents it, anyway.

In an earlier post I called it the security rock star mentality — the notion that you had to be seen to be relevant and that by getting around a lot, I thought I was somehow better than I really was.
Early on, as a journalist, I had to attend as many conferences as possible to generate content and feed the needs of a daily news machine. In my current role, the mission is more about promoting what my company does and collecting research I can bring back to base for future use.

My current job also involves less frequent travel. Some of that is because I can easily communicate face-to-face with colleagues around the world through Skype and other video-conferencing programs.
But I’m also traveling less because there’s a lot going on in my family right now. My kids have a lot of activities I want to be there for. My father has been in hospice and I’m trying to get in all the time with him as I can. And so it goes.

I’ve noticed something since grounding myself, however: My absence at security conferences hasn’t hurt my career or workmanship. Not one bit.

The people I like to see at conferences are all available to me on Twitter, Facebook, and increasingly on Skype. Most talks are recorded and end up on YouTube within hours of being delivered. And most importantly, less travel has meant more time immersed in my company’s research. I’m working with some of the best researchers in the industry, learning more from them than I’d learn from a hundred conference keynotes.

I’m not retreating from the conference scene forever. I still get too much value from events like DEF CON, Black Hat, RSA, ShmooCon and BSides to completely stay away. I expect to travel more frequently next year.

In the meantime, I’m staying home, being around more for my family and constantly working to improve my craft.

RSA 2015 Crowd Shot

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Vincent Bugliosi Inspired My Work in Journalism, InfoSec

Vincent Bugliosi, the man who prosecuted Charles Manson and his family and then detailed the case in his book Helter Skelter, has died at age 80. Indirectly, I owe some of my career trajectory to him.

Mood music: 

https://youtu.be/0rC3l3niTaE

I’ve chronicled my interest in the Manson case at length in this blog. Those posts capture the mental health issues that led to the crimes, as well as my own OCD-fueled obsession with the case. But Bugliosi’s influence on me is rooted in his best-selling book. I never met the man, though I’ve read Helter Skelter too many times to count and have even visited the scenes of the Tate-Labianca murders. Those who haven’t read it assume the book is all blood and gore.

Far from it.

Read my Manson-related posts in this anthology.

Yes, Bugliosi describes the murder scenes in chilling detail. But the book is mostly about him building the case against Manson and his followers. There’s a lot of rich detail about police and detectives clumsily tainting the crime scenes and working against each other to feed their egos, missing important clues that could have solved the case sooner.

He pieces together the gathering of evidence, the rounding up of witnesses and his uphill battle to convince the jury of the bizarre Helter Skelter motive. Along the way, there’s the endless display of disruptive tactics from defense attorneys and the occasional roadblocks tossed in by the judges, especially the one who presided over the separate trial for Charles “Tex” Watson, Manson’s lead killer.

The book has lessons on just about everything journalists need to know:

  • Police and detective work
  • Politics
  • Court procedure
  • Forensics
  • The importance of thorough research and investigation

I used to push the book on reporters when I was a newspaper editor, especially those covering the cops and courts. It fueled my passion for news gathering and had more than a little to do with my pursuing a writing career.

Even now, as someone working in the information security industry, I get a lot of use from the book. If you look closely at Bugliosi’s gathering of forensics and tireless research into what made the bad guys tick, you see many traits of a good security researcher.

I’m forever grateful to Bugliosi for inspiring me down this path. May he rest in peace.

Vincent Bugliosi On CSpan

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The “I’m Surviving” Checklist

I’ve learned that in times of disorganized thought, depression and anxiety, it’s good to make lists. Want to squeeze out all your negative thoughts about people? Make a resentment list. Need help getting your diet in order? Write a daily food list, also known as a food diary. Feeling overwhelmed by work and family responsibilities? Make daily to-do lists to stay on top of it all.

Mood music:

https://youtu.be/oKujsRIjoOA

Life has been pretty chaotic lately, and it feels like I’m losing my grip on everything. I know that’s not really true, but another list exercise is in order. For this one, I’ll focus on the positives.

“I’m Surviving” Checklist

  • My children are healthy and thriving.
  • My wife is excelling at her business, and she loves me even though I’m not always pleasant to be around.
  • My father is dying, but he’s able to live in comfort for whatever time is left.
  • I’m getting lots of quality time with him, which is a blessing.
  • Despite the family upheaval, I’m still able to do my job do it well.
  • I have legions of friends who stick by me for some reason.
  • My Crohn’s Disease is in check.
  • My eating is off, but I haven’t gone on any binges. I haven’t picked up a bottle, either.
  • Helping my father tie up loose ends with his business is a harrowing experience, but I’m learning a lot and that’ll be to my benefit later.
  • Summer is upon us, and that’s my favorite time of year.
  • I have a really good therapist.
  • I’m sleeping OK under the circumstances.
  • I have plenty of coffee to keep me going.
  • I have music.

It would appear my life is still pretty damn good, despite my perceptions lately.

Beat-up journal labelled

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Big Dumb Politics

Here’s yet another example of the broken political system in the United States. It’s not enough to disagree with people and have a respectful debate. Nope. When we disagree with the other side, we resort to Facebook memes like this:

Vote Republican meme

This one comes from the left side of politics. The suggestion is that if you’re a Republican, you’re a racist who hates everything sane in the world. I know a lot of conservatives, and I can’t say I’ve met one who hates everything on this list.

The “We hate blacks” and “We hate blacks voting” is perhaps the most ridiculous of all. The creators of this piece of stupidity apparently forgot the long history of Southern Democrats owning slaves before the Civil War and fighting Civil Rights tooth and nail in the 1960s.

Republicans hate education and feel women are “a lesser cut of meat”? I know many Republicans who care very much about education. And that lesser meat quote came from one deeply misguided individual.

Conservatives aren’t innocent victims here. They’ve produced more than their fair share of vitriol. Case in point, this meme suggesting only liberal Democrats would go shoot up a movie theater.

Democrats are murderers

The trash flows both ways.

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The OCD Diaries in the News (UPDATED)

Update: Here’s an audio interview I did for the Standard Deviant Podcast a couple weeks ago…
Episode #1 – Bill Brenner on security journalism, airplane hacking, OCD and heavy metal

“Bill Brenner: 3 Books that Changed My Life“: By Jennifer Minella — In this series, I asked infosec professionals to name 3 books that changed their life. This entry includes picks from journalist, writer and podcaster Bill Brenner.

“In the Right Frame of Mind“: Man’s blog shares mental illness struggles, supports others.

“Man Showed Strength in Sharing Mental Illness Story“: Kudos to Brenner for opening up about his mental illness. He is brave indeed — and the community is all the better for it.

“Magic and Loss: A Conversation with ‘OCD Diaries’ Author Bill Brenner“: Bill Brenner writes one of the most well-regarded OCD blogs on the web. In this podcast episode, Bill takes us on his journey through OCD, overeating, and a 12-step recovery program. Also discussed: Traci Foust, Lou Reed, Jim Morrison, and finding the most interesting parts of ourselves within the pain.

“How Mental Illness Makes Some Executives Stronger“: Today, from the standpoint of removing the stigma and increasing the positive communication around these issues, I’d like to take a look at some of the admirable individuals who are facing mental health diagnoses with exceptional courage, as well as looking at a few well-known entrepreneurs who’ve learned to work with their unique “disorders” in a way that has helped to propel their success.

The OCD Diaries Header

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Uncle Jacob

I knew there were heroes in my family. My maternal grandfather fought in some of history’s bloodiest battles and lived to tell us about it. But I never knew my Uncle Jacob. Not until a box of photos and service awards came into my possession.

Mood music:

I always knew my father had two deceased uncles. My grandmother would show me her old family scrapbooks all the time when I was a kid, and I remember pictures of her brothers Jacob and Morris. Morris’ death is still a bit of a mystery. Some family members say he died in a fire. Others say it was a ruptured appendix.

Uncle Jacob Katz was less of a mystery. I knew he died in the war, and a couple years ago my father gave me the flag that adorned his casket — a flag with 48 states, since Hawaii and Alaska weren’t admitted to the union until after his death.

Last week, my cousin Dennis and his wife Nancy gave me the box of memorabilia. It included Uncle Jacob’s Purple Heart and a letter President Franklin Delano Roosevelt had sent to the family: 

Jacob Katz's Purple Heart

There were also certificates honoring him from his hometown, Chelsea, Mass.:
Recognition of Patriotic Service certificate

The certificates and letters note that he died in the “North Africa area” in April 1943. So he may have died in Operation Torch, which commenced late in 1942. Or he could have died sometime after that campaign was over. One thing is clear: He gave his life for our freedom, and I’m grateful for that.

Thanks, Uncle Jacob.

Letter from President Franklin D. Roosevelet

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Why I Don’t Separate Personal from Professional on Social Media

In the world of social media, I’ve seen a lot of folks try to keep their work and personal lives separate. For business, people use LinkedIn. Facebook is for friends and family. But I never even tried to do this. Here’s why.

Mood music:

I used to think it was possible for me to put on different faces for different crowds. I could have my family face, reserved for when I was at home or at family gatherings. Then, when it was time to go to work, I could put on my work face. For friends I could put on my friend face.

For a while, I managed to carry on that way. I had my reserved side for family. I’d exchange pleasantries but wouldn’t open up much. For work I showed my serious side, the cool demeanor that hid all the insecurities. For friends I showed my crazy side, with a mouth full of profanity and dark humor.

As I started working on myself a little over a decade ago, coming to grips with my demons, fears and self-destructive behavior, I realized I couldn’t hold all those pieces together anymore. It started to feel like juggling, and I’ve never been good at juggling.

The more it became a struggle, the harder I tried to make it work. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I let the different sides of myself melt into one pot.

The crazy, profane, serious, quirky parts of me were now there for all to see — at home, at work and in front of friends.

That was a moment of freedom for me. By pulling my various personalities out of their individual boxes, I became whole.

When social networking came along, I didn’t even try to keep things separate for different audiences. I realized I couldn’t do it in the real world, so how could I do it online? Whether it’s at an industry gathering, a party with friends or family or swapping comments with folks online, I let it all hang out.

I’m more honest — and happier — that way.


“Flower of My Madness,” by EddieTheYeti
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Just Admit You Were Wrong

When you passionately push opinions, it sucks to be proven wrong later. It’s happened to me plenty of times, and I’ve learned to simply correct the record as I go. Doing so keeps me honest.

What follows are posts I’ve done here and in my work-related blogs when I’ve had a change of heart.

The lesson: When you’re wrong, just admit it. It’s the right thing to do, and it will keep your credibility intact.

“The Women at RSA Conference 2015“
A couple years ago I suggested that renowned writer Violet Blue had no business speaking at BSidesSF because she wasn’t a security practitioner and this was a security conference. As I got to know her work better over time, I realized she did indeed bring something to the table.

“Revisiting My Earlier Argument About Security Curmudgeons“
In May 2011, while writing the Salted Hash blog for CSOonline, I wrote a post called “Take the Word Curmudgeon and Shove It.” I took aim at those in the industry who pride themselves on being cynical and suggested that they cut the vitriol. I still see this as a problem, but back then I painted the community with too wide a brush.

“I Was Wrong About Lance Armstrong“
When Lance Armstrong was first accused of doping, I defended him. I saw someone who had overcome cancer to rise to the top of his game, so I argued that he didn’t deserve to be stripped of his seven Tour de France titles. Time and additional evidence proved me wrong, so I said so.

“The Danger of False Memories“
I didn’t own up to any specific misjudgment in this post. But I did note that in a semi-autobiographical blog, it’s easy to mis-remember the past.

“Spectre of the Past” by EddieTheYeti