EddieTheYeti: Art as Mental Therapy

I sucked at a lot of things as a kid, but I could draw. It was the one thing that always got me compliments from people who otherwise ridiculed me.

Those drawings were an exercise in emotion. There were pictures of my favorite rock stars, recreated scenes from my favorite movies (particularly the violent ones) and doodles that captured my frustration during school and periods of depression. A good example of that is the Paul Revere Owl of Rage I wrote about a while back.

Writing eventually replaced drawing, though I’ve maintained a life-long appreciation for art that captures emotion. Which brings me to Eddie Mize, also known as EddieTheYeti.

Mood music:

http://youtu.be/xQvuZvrH0Yw

Eddie is a master at capturing the human element. His latest works, “Faces of Defcon,” are a prime example. He made these images from ink, lime juice, soy sauce, wine, coffee, tea, pencil, acrylic, and water. I know many of the people he captures. They are hackers and other security practitioners who have a burning intensity for their profession. They throw their souls into the work, and you can see it in their eyes.

Eddie has done a lot of rock ‘n’ roll artwork as well, and you can see the influence in his security professionals work.

Much has been written about Eddie’s history with bipolar disorder and depression. He’s been an outspoken advocate for art as a powerful mental health tool.

In a 2010 article on the Mood Letter website, he explains:

My acrylic work is usually the result of mania; the digital darker art is usually created during my depressive phases. People who know me know how I’m doing by the qualities in the work.

Music, art and writing have been critical tools in my own effort to manage mental health, and I appreciate the hell out of people who share their work publicly, where it can then help other people climb out of whatever mental holes they’ve fallen into.

Thanks for all you do, Eddie.

Unibomber by EddieTheYeti

The Semicolon As Anti-Suicide Symbol

I’ve never been a fan of the semicolon. I always identify it as punctuation used by people clinically incapable of writing the short, crisp sentences I prefer. Who knew it would become a symbol of hope — a battle cry to resist suicidal thoughts and get on with life.

Mood music:

That’s the mission of The Semicolon Project: to turn a piece of punctuation into something new and powerful. A Tumblr blog explains:

The semicolon is used when a sentence could have ended, but didn’t. The movement is for anyone who has ever self-harmed, has a personality disorder, or has tried to commit suicide. The semicolon is a sign of hope. Your sentence is not over yet. If you have ever harmed yourself, attempted suicide, or just want to support the cause, put a semicolon on your wrist or wherever you feel would mean the most. Every time you see it, think of something that makes life worth living.

The movement appears to be catching on, with people even getting the punctuation mark tattooed to wrists and other body parts.

I believe in symbols. They are no replacement for therapy and, as needed, medication. But symbols do something just as important, if not more so: They give the suffer something positive to fixate on, shapes that are as powerful as entire sentences and songs. When life kicks you in the nuts, the right symbolic image seared into the brain can steer you back toward the will to live.

For myself, the Superman S has always been a powerful symbol. The image has surfaced in my mind’s eye whenever I’ve reached low points and realized it was time for a turnaround. I love how, in last year’s Man of Steel movie, Jor-El specifically describes it as the symbol of hope.

But as symbols go, this semicolon idea is growing on me. And I only heard about it a couple days ago.

So here it is, the image to picture when you are at your lowest. May it inspire you to keep your sentence moving.

semi-colon

Tapping into Infosec’s Human Side

In my day job, I host the Akamai Security Podcast, an audio program about all things information security. On occasion, the topics of my profession bleed into the focus of this blog.

In the following podcast, I chat with colleague Christian Ternus, a member of Akamai Infosec’s Adversarial Resilience Team. He’s been the driving force behind Humanity in Security, an effort to address burnout, depression and stress in the security community.

One of his main messages is that people in the industry need to be kinder. He touched on this some months back in a post from his “Adversarial Thinking” blog. He wrote about what he sees as infosec’s jerk problem, where cynicism and negativity run so deep that it poisons the atmosphere in many a security shop, dampening spirits and causing burnout and depression across a team.

He stressed that if you practice kindness, good things will follow.

We talk about that in much more detail. Listen to the full podcast.

Bill Brenner's podcasting equipment

Seven Insights into Dealing with Depression

I got this question from a reader over the weekend, after he read my “Suicide in the Blood” post:

I was just curious after reading this article: As much as I think about suicide and sometimes homicide, am I capable of carrying this out? I’m bipolar and have very serious depression also. Bipolar personality disorder and ADHD make it very hard to keep my mood swings down and my mind focused. I really need some perspective on this. Please help. Thanks.

It’s not an easy question to answer, as no two head cases are the same. I have my own experiences but what worked for me won’t necessarily help everyone. Still, those personal accounts are what I have to offer. These are my experiences with depression, from the circumstances and feelings to the tools I acquired for coping with the demons.

May it help you find some answers.

Mood music:

Depressed But OK With It: You can learn to keep living even when depression bears down hard.

Happily Ever After Is Bullshit & That’s OK: When depression slaps me upside the head, it’s on the heels of a prolonged period of good feelings and positive energy. These setbacks can be discouraging, but you can survive them with the right perspective.

The Mood Swing: When moods shift with little warning, the risks are severe. As with most problems, knowing you have one is the first step to better management.

Metal Saved Me: Hard rock is one of my most powerful coping tools. It’s not for everyone, but there’s a common element: Music heals.

The Bad Pill Kept Me from the Good Pill: I resisted medication for a long time. Here’s why I finally took the leap of faith. Most importantly, here’s what I’ve gained as a result.

Debunking the Shrink Stigma: Many people resist the idea of getting therapy. But in the battle over one’s demons, a shrink is a powerful ally.

Happy Depression: Can you be depressed and happy at the same time? I can.

depression

How Barnaby Jack Lived Is More Important Than How He Died

Last summer, my industry was wounded by the death of famed hacker Barnaby Jack. In January, we learned that he died of an overdose, including a mix of heroin, cocaine and prescription drugs.

People made a lot of stupid comments back then, especially those responding to The Register‘s article. One jackass called him a loser who wouldn’t be missed.

Mood music:

http://youtu.be/0LFVQpDKHk4

I didn’t know Barnaby as well as some of my infosec friends did, but I always enjoyed talking to him. He was friendly, fun and brilliant. I was a huge fan of his work, and when I think of the important business he had before him, I want to punch the idiot who called him a loser. As for whether he is missed, I know people who were pretty close to him who are still devastated.

I mention all this to set you up for an article from Metro scribe Donna Chisholm. Unlike the sensationalized crap written in January, this article does him justice.

Oh, it doesn’t skate around the dark stuff. Chisholm writes:

On a Thursday afternoon, alone in bed in his comfortable top-floor apartment, opposite The Ritz in San Francisco’s Nob Hill, Barnes died of an accidental overdose of heroin, cocaine and prescription medicines.

The scope of the tragedy is laid bare. But the balance of the article focuses on what’s really important: how he lived.

She writes of the 2010 Black Hat presentation that sent his star soaring:

He became world famous in 2010 when, at the annual Black Hat convention on computer security at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas — despite its name, it’s where the white hats gather — he showed, with all the flair of a Vegas magician, how he could remotely hack into an ATM. Bank notes flew all over the stage, his peers cheered, and Barnes stood at the podium and nearly pissed himself laughing.

She writes about his shift from ATM hacking to exploiting weaknesses in heart pacemakers and insulin pumps. “As he did with the ATMs, he first bought the devices and took them apart to see how they worked, and talked to patients about how they used them,” Chisholm explains.

Was his partying the result of a hidden pain, a hole in his soul? Perhaps. But we all have those holes. We’re all broken in some fashion. Some of us try to numb the pain with drugs. Others turn to excessive spending and binge eating. Some find the balance needed to control temptations. Some don’t.

That’s what being human is about: facing struggle after struggle, making mistakes and, hopefully, overcoming obstacles.

Barnes had his struggles, to be sure. But it didn’t stop him from doing the kind of work that will benefit countless people for generations to come.

Others will build on his work. What he started can’t be stopped. Thank God for that.

Barnaby Jack lived well. He was a blessing to those around him and a master at his craft.

That matters far more than how he died.

Barnaby Jack

RIP, Oderus Urungus

As a troubled kid, I had a special appreciation for Gwar. For the lost soul in need of metallic rock therapy, these guys delivered. What’s more, they were perfect for when heavy-duty escapism and entertainment was required. I’m sad to hear that Dave Brockie — a.k.a Oderus Urungus — has died at age 50.

Mood music:

Brockie had a voice and stage presence that was beyond over the top. I’m fairly sure it wasn’t even part of this world. Anyone who took Gwar seriously was doing it wrong.

And yet the SF/horror-inspired metal act — formed in 1984 — still managed to get nominated for a Grammy. They experienced plenty of line-up changes, but Brockie was there for each incarnation.

Gwar is metal satire at its best. If there’s a taboo to flaunt, they flaunt it. No politician or religion is safe. I buried many a bad mood watching and listening to them over the years.

I don’t know if the band will continue. But if it does, it won’t be the same.

Thanks for the many years of entertainment, Dave. You made some difficult periods bearable.

GWAR_live_in_Toronto,_2008

32 Years Ago Today…

On March 19, 1982, the world lost one of its greatest musicians in a plane crash: Randy Rhoads.

Mood music:

The songwriting and guitar playing he did on Ozzy Osbourne’s first two solo albums — “Blizzard of Oz” and “Diary of a Madman” — is required listening for anyone who is serious about playing the instrument.

He was also something rare in Rock ‘n Roll: a humble man who was ready to give up his success and fame in favor of earning a degree in classical guitar at UCLA.

The man’s goodness as a human being and prowess as a musician has been a big influence on me. Make no mistake about that. Whenever I need the inspiration to do my absolute best — whatever the task — I put on one of those albums. The mental sluggishness leaves me every time.

Rest in peace, beautiful soul.

 Randy Rhoads

So Sorry, I Forgot You Know Everything

In the course of writing this blog, I get a lot of flack from some people. That’s fine, because I know I’m not always right. But there’s a certain class of people who get under my skin: those who claim to have all the answers.

Mood music:

There’s the reader who bristles whenever I write about medication for depression, OCD and other disorders of the brain. She knows the answer to just about any mental disorder, you see. It’s simple: Adopt a gluten-free diet.

There’s the fitness fanatic who thinks people talking about their weaknesses are some lower form of life. Just lift weights and adopt a paleo diet. All else is the stuff of someone who cries a lot and makes excuses for everything.

While I respect their opinions and am thrilled they found something that works for them, their one-size-fits-all school of thought is flawed.

Sure, there are plenty of cases where medication is the wrong answer. People are misdiagnosed all the time, and they end up on meds that make things worse. But there are also many others who turned to medicine when all else proved inadequate. Like me. There’s a science to mental disorder, and the meds are designed to address specific problems. A gluten-free diet may help a few people. But a universal treatment? Smoke another one.

And though a lot of people get by just fine without discussing their weaknesses, others need to talk in order to address the things that hold them back.

I will continue to discuss my challenges. Not because I want sympathy, but because doing so leads me down more useful, effective avenues. Also, the vast majority of feedback tells me it helps other people do the same.

Those who don’t agree can keep telling me so. Or they can go read something else.

Middle Finger Mushroom Cloud

Happy Birthday to a Joyful Little Soul

Three years ago today, my nephew Owen was born. We just celebrated his third birthday, but I wanted to say a little something here. Think of it as my personalized birthday card to him.

First, a video for Owen’s amusement, which also has some good advice:

http://youtu.be/8rxMYX0MoYs

Let me tell you a few things about Owen:

  • He is one of the most joyful souls I’ve ever met. He’s always laughing, excited by every new wonder. He used to cry a lot, especially when I gave him shoulder rides. But he seems to have gotten beyond that.
  • He loves American flags, plants, and Thomas and Friends.
  • He got off to a slow start with talking, but in recent months he has taken quantum leaps in the land of verbalization. Chalk that up as the first challenge of his life, which he passed with flying colors.
  • He can do a fair amount of sign language. I’m 43 years old, and the only sign language I know involves a finger.
  • He loves to pretend his cousins and their dad are trees and buildings. He especially loves knocking those objects to the ground and jumping on them. I suspect this activity is not limited to cousins and uncles, but we were the primary targets at his birthday party. We loved every second of it.
  • We adults of the family can be in the most rotten mood imaginable, but once he toddles into the room and lets out that giggle of his, all other moods brighten.

Happy birthday, you joyful little soul. Uncle Bill loves you very much.
Owen Rocks Yah

Basil Fawlty Can Suck It

I know many fans of the old BBC show Fawlty Towers. People love to laugh at lead character Basil Fawlty, who’s perpetually unhinged, rude and ridiculous. Viewers can laugh at Basil’s expense and even feel a little grateful for not being that guy. But I have to confess that I despise the show.

Mood music:

When I watch an episode, I actually get stressed out. My anxiety goes through the roof every time Basil puts his foot in his mouth or hapless waiter Manuel drops food on a dining room guest.

If you’re thinking my reaction is absurd, you’re probably right. It is, after all, just a TV show — a comedy at that.

But Basil flips an old switch deep in my brain. It’s the switch that used to trigger my own episodes of bat-shit madness. I probably was never that off the wall outwardly. But I felt that out of control inside all the time. I was like Basil Fawlty, haphazardly running from one calamity to the next. And there was nothing funny about it.

That was the old fear and anxiety at work in my soul, with disaster and sorrow lurking around every corner. Fear of not measuring up at work. Fear of losing more loved ones.

Things were never that bad. It just felt that way to me all the time.

There are a lot of fictional characters out there who entertain me with their insane behavior. Lord Business, the villain in the Lego Movie, is a pretty good example. So is Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz from Phineas and Ferb. I love those characters because I see a bit of myself in them and they comfort me because I know I’m not alone.

We laugh at these characters because we all see some of ourselves in them.

That being the case, my hatred of Fawlty Towers makes no sense. It really doesn’t. And yet I can’t stand it.

Maybe someday I’ll figure it out.

Fawlty Towers