I’ve written about my battles with mental illness at length here, but to fully understand how this beast works you have to see other points of view. Concord Monitor reporter Annmarie Timmins offers some powerful testimony in a piece she wrote as part of a larger series on mental illness. Read it. All of it.
Below: Monitor reporter Annmarie Timmins is reflected in the mirror at her gym in Concord.
(ANDREA MORALES / Monitor staff)
I’m Bill Brenner and I approved this message…
Why, you ask? Read the following:
The Bad Pill Kept Me From The Good Pill
What’s Crohn’s Disease Got to do With it?
A Boy’s Life on Prednisone: A Class Photo History
A Link Between Prednisone, Mental Illness
After taking in some of the outrage among friends over the seemingly sympathetic coverage CNN gave to two Steubenville, Ohio, teens convicted of raping a young girl, I decided to watch the specific report that generated all the fuss.
Mood music:
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People are often conflicted over stories like this because the convicted are two kids who did what a lot of kids are capable of doing when they had too much booze. Reporters seemed heartbroken as one of the boys collapsed into the arms of his attorney after the guilty verdicts came down. “My life is over,” Ma’lik Richmond lamented to his lawyer. “No one will want me now.”
I just have a few points to make here:
In this case the justice system worked. It’s an unhappy thing. But it’s the right thing.
The following is a guest post from Jessica Lavery Pozerski, a friend from the information security industry. She was most recently PR manager for security vendor Sophos, and is about to take on a new role handling PR for Vericode. She hails from Billerica, Mass.
Anxiety is something I’ve always suffered with. Even as a child I would become get nervous about a test or walking to school, seemingly out of nowhere.
This isn’t normal childhood fear I’m talking about. I would imagine horrible scenarios in my head, like what if a man in a van tried to grab me on the way to school? Or what if a car swerved onto the sidewalk and hit me or my siblings while we were walking?
After imagining in excruciating detail how everything could go wrong, I’d begin devising a strategy for avoiding the tragedy. I’d come up with a plan for escaping the kidnapper or saving my younger brother and sister from the oncoming traffic.
“What if” was a big part of my childhood vocabulary, and it has remained a consistent theme for me in adulthood. Even today I imagine terrible scenarios and then come up with a plan for fixing the problem. Go ahead, ask me what my plan is for getting me, my dogs, my daughter, my husband and my brother out of the house if there is a fire or intruder. Some might call this behavior obsessive (it is); I call it be prepared (because I’m a little crazy). I’m a planner, for good things and bad, and my wonderful husband has learned to love this part of me, even if it sometimes drives him nuts.
Given my history of imagining horrible scenarios, I was not surprised to read Shanon Cook’s “When Motherhood Becomes Nightmare” on CNN the other day. It is a great article and one that I could relate to. Since having a child a year and a half ago, I too have dealt with this sudden and urgent feeling of dread that something horrible was going to happen to my child.
A year and half after her birth, this still happens, but I refuse to let my crazy hurt my daughter. I don’t want my anxiety or fears to inhibit her from living a full and exciting life.
So how do I do this when I am terrified that she will slip in the tub and knock out all her teeth or that she will lose an eye when she falls on the playground? Here are a few of my strategies that others may find helpful:
And if all of that fails, I just walk away — and let her father watch while she does something anxiety inducing. 🙂
After the world got its first gander at Pope Francis yesterday, the inevitable “Lighten up, Francis” jokes started flying.
But there’s more than a cheap joke in all this. The question of whether the Church will lighten up under Pope Francis is a legitimate one.
Mood music:
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I’m a devout Catholic, which is to say I follow Jesus and believe he’s my savior. But I’ve often turned my nose up at the Vatican bureaucracy and have spoken up frequently about my belief that major reforms are needed to revitalize the Church. We need to put it all on the table: The role of women must be expanded. We must stop treating gays like lepers. We need to revisit the priest celibacy issue. Above all, we have to stop being self-righteous jerks. In other words, yes, the Catholic Church does need to lighten up.
Also see “My Name Is Bill, and I’m with the Religious Left.”
Is Pope Francis the man to get us there? Probably not. But that doesn’t mean he’ll be a bad pope.
Based on published reports, including this one from CNN, the man is no friend of the so-called liberal wing of the church. Says CNN:
Francis opposes same-sex marriage and abortion, which isn’t surprising as leader of the socially conservative Catholic church.
But as a cardinal, Francis clashed with the government of Argentine President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner over his opposition to gay marriage and free distribution of contraceptives.
But that and other reports also describe him as a simple man. He chose the name Francis — the first Pope to do so — because he wanted to honor St. Francis of Assisi, a servant to the poor and destitute. St. Francis of Assisi was born into a world of wealth but chose to live in rags among beggars at St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome.
More from CNN:
Those close to Pope Francis see similarities between the two men.
“Francis of Assisi is … someone who turned his back on the wealth of his family and the lifestyle he had, and bonded with lepers and the poor,” said the Rev. Thomas Rosica, Vatican’s deputy spokesman. “Here’s this pope known for his care for AIDS patients and people who are very sick. Who is known for his concern with single mothers whose babies were refused to be baptized by priests in his diocese.
“He scolded those priests last year and said, ‘How can you turn these people away when they belong to us?'”
If Pope Francis sticks close to that passion and leads by example, the Church is going to take big strides in the right direction.
Change is often a painfully slow-moving beast. I don’t know if the reforms I’d like to see will happen in my lifetime. But if we at least move in a more humble, more tolerant and kinder direction, that’ll be huge.
My prayers and best wishes to Pope Francis. May he do us Catholics proud.
The New York Times published a story about the conviction of Gilberto Valle, a police officer who apparently plotted to kidnap, torture and eat several women. He never actually abducted or killed anyone. It was mostly talk in seedy online chat rooms. Which begs the question: Should a person be tried and jailed for dark thoughts that percolate in the mind?
Mood music:
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Valle’s trial highlighted some of the darkest corners of cyberspace, where, as the NYT noted, “fetishists hide behind Web identities like Girlmeat Hunter — the name that Mr. Valle used — and engage in role-playing fantasy about cannibalism and sexual torture.” Prosecutors successfully argued that Valle went beyond the fantasy and started laying the groundwork to carry out his dark fantasies. He kept files on women, illegally obtaining details from a restricted police database. He also researched kidnapping and cooking techniques. (See court documents here.)
My two cents: If you’re keeping detailed plans on your laptop and conducting surveillance, you’re moving past online fantasy and engaging in a real-world conspiracy. Using a restricted police database for the task is worth conviction on its own.
We’ve all had twisted thoughts. In some cases, those thoughts become obsessive-compulsive fantasies. Usually, the fantasy is about killing someone who caused pain and aggravation. Maybe it’s the boss who torments you. Maybe it’s the lady who cut you off on the highway. Then there are the sexual fantasies people have.
I’ve had my fantasies about punching people in the face and dropping them off a cliff. As a recovering compulsive binge eater, I’ve had vivid fantasies about the food I would binge on and how I’d get it. The latter fantasies often became reality. But eating Twinkies and Big Macs is not illegal, and though I’ve had fantasies of violence, I’ve never acted on them. That’s how it is for most of us. We entertain dark thoughts but don’t act on them, because for the most part we are law-abiding citizens with a sense of right and wrong.
If Valle was making blueprints and researching his potential victims, then his sense of right and wrong was impaired, making him a threat to public safety.
The lesson for the rest of us is that we must always work to control our actions. We can’t always stop the bizarre images our minds weave, but we can hold the line between fantasy and reality.
Those who have trouble doing so need to get help before they end up hurting someone.
Below: Former New York City police officer Gilberto Valle (L), dubbed by local media as the “Cannibal Cop”, listens as his wife Kathleen Mangan testifies in this courtroom sketch on the first day of his trial in New York February 25, 2013. REUTERS/Jane Rosenburg
This morning I received the sad news that Renee Pelletier Costa passed away after a long and courageous battle against cancer.
Mood music:
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Updates:
Renee’s memorial service will be held Saturday, March 23, 1:30 at Faith Lutheran Church, 360 South Main St., Andover MA 01810
In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to the:
Renee L. Costa Memorial Fund, account #8371787589
Care of: TD Bank
280 Main Street
Groveland, MA 01834 or any local TD Bank branch.
Meanwhile, a new site called “Live Like Renee” has been established to raise funds for her family.
***
The last time I saw her was over the summer, when she dropped off a huge collection of Legos her children had outgrown. She made Sean and Duncan very happy that day, and I think it reflects her life pretty well. In the short time I knew her, that simple kindness was evident.
She touched many lives in her short time on this Earth. For me, she offered an everlasting example of living in the face of immense suffering. It always floored me how positive and giving she was even as she was slowly losing to cancer. “Losing” might not be the right word, though. She did, after all, live with cancer for the better part of a decade. She certainly lived longer than she was expected to.
What follows is something I wrote about her more than a year ago. I think the sentiments ring especially true now.
My deepest condolences to Renee’s husband, children, friends and extended family.
***
Oct. 20, 2011:
Renee Pelletier Costa of Haverhill starts another round of chemo today. She’s been very public about her battle with cancer, and has been a sturdy, shining example of how to live in the face of adversity.
Cancer has put her body through the wringer, but has failed to stop her positive attitude and sense of humor. On Facebook this morning, she wrote:
“I begin chemo again at 9:30. Sean says he’ll go with me and stay long enough to make sure I don’t die from anaphylaxis, then he’ll go to work. That’s how it goes when this becomes old hat.”
Judging from the responses to that comment, she has a strong circle of cancer-fighting friends. That’s one of the strange things about terrible diseases. You gain friends you never would have met if not for the sickness.
She also has a lot of friends around here who are rooting for her.
But you can never have enough prayers in times like these, so please take a moment and do your part.
Thanks.
A state judge has struck down New York City’s large-soda ban, which was set to take effect today. Judge Milton Tingling of the New York Supreme Court called Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s public health measure “arbitrary and capricious.” I agree, though not necessarily for the same reasons.
Here’s what I jotted down last year, when Bloomberg first announced the ban. It’s my perspective as a recovering binge eater…
NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg has generated lots of noise with his ban on uber-sized sodas. Supporters say the fight against American obesity needs to start somewhere. Opponents accuse him of leading a nanny state. Both sides are barking up the wrong tree.
Mood music:
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I look at this as an addict. My most destructive addiction involved binge eating on junk rich in flour and sugar. I had to eliminate both ingredients from my diet to regain control over my mental and physical health. If that battle has taught me anything, it’s that government can’t do a damn thing to save you from yourself.
Those who have no problem with a soda ban raise some interesting points, including Gawker’s Drew Magary, who wrote that people should “quit complaining” about the ban. He writes:
If you think that a ban on large sodas is somehow an affront to America freedom, I have news for you: You don’t live in a free country. You never have and you never will. That’s an illusion. You are not free to murder people in America. You are not free to stand in the middle of an intersection and block traffic like an asshole. You do not have the absolute freedom to do anything you want in America, and that’s a good thing, because living somewhere with absolute freedom means you live in fucking Deadwood.
New York city residents were already fully aware that Bloomberg was prone to implementing drastic public health measures, like the 2003 ban on smoking in bars. And yet, they re-elected him. In other words, New Yorkers were FREE to vote for the man who installed laws that they apparently considered both sane and reasonable. That’s how democracy works.
He’s right about the freedom part. People keep re-electing Bloomberg knowing full well that he has a track record on this stuff. And no, we’re not free to murder, steal and destroy without consequences. But I’m with those who say the laws we live by should not extend to what we do with our own bodies. The government has no business telling us what we can eat and drink.
But that’s beside the bigger point here: Regulating addictive substances does little to keep addicts from using. That’s true of heroin and coke users. It’s all the more true with alcohol and tobacco. If controlling the use of those things is so difficult, then controlling the use of perfectly legal and freely available junk food is fruitless.
We’ve been down this road before. I’m reminded of a book called The End of Overeating by David A. Kessler, MD, a former commissioner of the U.S. Food and Drug Administration under presidents George H. W. Bush and Bill Clinton. Kessler makes a compelling argument: Foods high in fat, salt and sugar alter the brain’s chemistry in ways that compel people to overeat. “Much of the scientific research around overeating has been physiology — what’s going on in our body,” The Washington Post quoted him as saying in “David Kessler: Fat, Salt and Sugar Alter Brain Chemistry, Make Us Eat Junk Food.”
For the true addict, regulation is a joke, especially if the drug is junk food. Knowing what’s in junk food won’t keep the addict away. I always read the labels after binging on the item in the package. And the labels have done nothing to curb the child obesity pandemic.
That’s the real problem with Bloomberg’s soda ban.
I liken it to recent efforts to punish McDonald’s for contributing to child obesity. As one McDonald’s restaurant put on its outdoor sign recently:
Saying your kids are fat because of us is like saying it’s Hooter’s fault your husband likes big tits.
McDonald’s is where I binged again and again when my compulsive overeating was at its zenith. But I’ve never blamed the fast-food chain. Buying its food — my heroin — was my choice and responsibility.
When you have young children, you have far more control over what they put in their bodies. If you’re an overeater yourself and you’re always stressed and on the run, you probably let your child eat this stuff all the time. If your child is fat as a result, that’s your fault, not McDonald’s.
We all have choices. When we make the bad calls, we have to own it.
If the bad choice is too many large sodas, Bloomberg can’t help us by banning the beverage, no matter how pure his intentions are.
I could tell you I’m a real bad-ass because I grew up in Revere, Mass. But that would be a lie.
Since I’ve reconnected with quite a few of my old Revere neighbors of late, it seems appropriate that I feature some of the blog posts that focus on my Point-of-Pines childhood.
Mood music:
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THE LOST GENERATION OF REVERE: Some say my generation of Revere kids was cursed.
AND THE SEA WILL SAVE YOU: The memories are still stained with sorrow. But, truth be told, the location of my upbringing is one of the things that saved me.
ZANE FROM THE POINT OF PINES, REVERE: I keep thinking of a kid from the Point of Pines who isn’t with us anymore.
DAN WATERS OF REVERE, MASS.: Tribute to a friend.
THE BRIDGE RATS: The author reviews the imperfections of childhood relationships in search of all his OCD triggers. Along the way, old bullies become friends.
LOST BROTHERS: Remembering Michael S. Brenner, 1966-1984.
MARLEY AND ME: Remembering Sean J. Marley, 1966-1996
ADDICTED TO FEELING GOOD — A LOVE/HATE STORY: The author reflects on some of his dumber quests to feel good.
PEACE AT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME: The author visits an old thinking spot behind a boat yard in his old neighborhood and finds something he forgot about.
As someone who suffered badly from Crohn’s Disease as a kid and still deals with the effects today, I find the story of Ari Meisel inspiring. The NYC resident tells Fox News that he found a way to beat the disease, which is considered incurable.
Mood music:
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A friend sent me the article and asked what I thought of it. The headline thrilled me: “Curing Crohn’s? Man says he found way to beat incurable disease.” I started reading and got more jazzed as Meisel explained how he radically changed his diet, embraced yoga, weaned himself off his medication and drove all the illness from his body.
Then came this paragraph:
“Although he realizes he fundamentally cannot be ‘cured’ of an incurable disease, he and [Dr. Bart Kummer, his specialist,] can agree he is in remission — for now.”
From the Resources section: Websites for dealing with Crohn’s Disease
The rest of the article is a debate over whether Meisel’s lifestyle changes made the difference or if the medicine he had been on — mercaptopurine, or 6MP — did the trick. Meisel never claims he cured himself. Yet Fox teases the reader with a headline suggesting someone has found a cure.
It’s a misleading headline that’s sure to disappoint those who suffer from Crohn’s Disease today. The article itself is good, and the lessons are important. But it is not about a cure.
I’m not going to rip Fox over it, because I’m an editor who has produced his fair share of dud headlines over the last couple of decades.
As for Meisel’s story, it’s inspiring but not surprising.
When a Crohn’s attack is on full burn, it will make you think you’re on death’s door. In fact, it’ll make you wish you were there. Today’s medications are better than what was available to me in the 1970s and 1980s, but like the Prednisone that drove me to the brink of insanity, drugs like 6MP have horrible side effects, including an increased risk of cancer.
All Crohn’s patients know that diet and exercise are key to keeping the disease in remission. Even then, all bets are off. That Meisel has found solid remission through a strict diet and exercise regimen is admirable but to be expected.
I’m lucky. Though the disease manifests itself in different ways today, I haven’t suffered a crippling attack since 1986. My doctors tell me that’s rare.
I know I’m not cured, though.
Whenever you see an article claiming a cure for this disease, go ahead and read it, because you’re always bound to find useful, actionable information.
But don’t think for a second that it’s going to somehow free you forever.
