The OCD Diaries

November 16, 2016

Clowns to the Left of Me, Jokers on My Right

The morning after Donald Trump was elected president, I posted this:

I didn’t vote for Trump. I don’t like him. I didn’t like Bush, either. But the left survived Bush and the right survived Obama. We’ll survive Trump, too. If we as individuals keep doing our best every day and be the blessing to friends, family and colleagues, everything will be fine. A better world starts with you.

I also posted this, after seeing a Trump supporter gloat over the despair of Hillary Clinton supporters:

To the FB connection gloating about how great he feels to see HRC voters at work dejected, you are part of the problem. People on both sides have been brutal this election cycle. You could have set aside political differences and been decent to your fellow human. You could have shown some compassion and humility. Instead, you were an asshole — no better than those who may have unfairly labeled you for supporting Trump.

Some of you didn’t like that, saying I should have shown the same compassion for Trump supporters traumatized for being called racist and sexist. Truth is, I find it just as bad when Trump voters are called names. As the old saying goes, two wrongs don’t make a right.

Mood music:

There’s plenty of blame to go around for this shitshow. Here are my thoughts.

When bigotry isn’t a deal breaker
It’s true, millions who voted for Trump are not racist or sexist. They chose based on years of economic frustration and a feeling that the left talks down to them. Some of you complained bitterly about being branded a hater. Fair enough. I know a lot of Trump supporters who are great people. But they still voted for someone who used hateful rhetoric to rile up people who are in fact bigots, and a lot of good people have a problem with that. Instead of whining about being labeled something you’re not, maybe you should listen to the other side and clarify your own views.

Personally, I thought Trump’s candidacy should have fizzled after he mocked a disabled reporter. I’m still floored that so many voters were OK with that. Do I think Trump himself is a sexist bigot? Well, he has placed women in high positions over the course of his career and his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, is devout in his Jewish faith. But his comments about women in that leaked Access Hollywood tape are impossible to ignore.

I’m also not encouraged by Trump’s decision to make Steve Bannon a senior White House advisor. Bannon, head of Breitbart News before joining Trump’s campaign, has linked Breitbart to the “alt-right,” a movement of people who view immigration and multiculturalism as a threat to the white race.

The inconvenience of truth
Instead of reasoned debate, a lot of you shared articles on Facebook that were false and often malicious. This was truly a bipartisan failing. Left- and right-leaning friends were equally prolific in sharing content that fit their preconceived notions. I often wondered if people were even clicking on these articles and reading them first. I have no doubt people saw headlines they liked and that was enough.

Posting untrue tripe on Facebook is nothing new, but some of you really upped your game this year.

Free speech didn’t end with the election
Some of you have complained that the election is over and that people unhappy with the result need to grow up, get over it and move on. That’s some bullshit right there. When Obama won in 2008 and 2012, a lot of you reacted the same way Clinton supporters are reacting now. You had your right to a mourning period. So do they.

And just as you are entitled to your opinions, so are those who don’t agree with you. Telling people to shut up makes you a hypocrite.

The left must listen
Now that we have President Trump, the left must come clean about a huge failing that helped feed the man’s rise. Specifically, some of you have repeatedly talked down to conservatives in rural America like they’re idiots when in fact they work hard and want the best for their families, friends and neighbors, just like you. Are there bigots among them? Yes. But most people are just trying to survive economically, and the global economy has not been kind to them. You should spend less time talking at them about how things should be and more time listening.

My friend Nick Selby said it best in this blog post: “Democrats believe truly that they have moral righteousness and certitude of intelligence. You don’t.”

Democrats also have to acknowledge that they left blue-collar America behind long ago. In the early 21st century, the party shifted from being one that stood by union workers to one that catered to Wall Street. Raising money became the priority, and the party lost its way. A lot of the people left in the lurch became Trump supporters. The same is true for the Republican party, but the left needs to own its own part in this.

I still believe humanity is good. I’ve seen people who disagree politically help each other time and again in hours of need and enjoy each other’s company during good times. When bad things happen, the best of humanity always steps up to alleviate pain and suffering, regardless of political beliefs.

Now, if we could just stop being assholes the rest of the time.

September 13, 2016September 13, 2016

Make a List to Realize You’re Not Completely Screwed

I’ve been going through a major bout of insecurity lately as a result of juggling so many responsibilities at once. We all go through this on occasion, so I don’t claim to be a special snowflake in this regard.

In an effort to feel a little less overwhelmed, I turned to a tool I should use more often: list making. After writing it all down, I find that I’m not quite as screwed as first thought.

With that, here’s a list of what I’ve accomplished so far this year.

Created a new LLC to run the family building
Signed up an anchor tenant for the building
Brought in a partner to manage the place so I can focus on my real job in infosec
Cleaned up the building, including painting inside and out and remodeling the front office
Moved the environmental cleanup on site from Phase 2 to 3, which allows us to actually clean up the mess after two years of digging, drilling and testing
Kept all the bills paid

What I need to do better at:

Taking better care of my health
Not coming unglued with every stressful development
Being more present at home
Playing guitar

I feel better now.

August 17, 2016

One Woman’s Experiences Show How Nasty The Internet Can Be

We’ve all seen how nasty the Internet can be. Scroll Facebook, Twitter or any number of blogs on a given day and you’ll see people going out of their way to rip each other apart in the most cowardly way possible — hidden in the shadows.

Many of us have stories about being attacked online. Usually, it’s because we offered an opinion people disagreed with. But Amanda Nickerson has been living with something a lot more malignant: an online stalker who has created fake sites and accounts in her name and systematically tried to destroy her reputation. It has turned her life upside down and sideways, and it could happen to any of us.

I don’t know Amanda very well. We communicate a bit on Facebook and I count her husband Chris among my friends. But I’ve been inspired by her courage as she blogs about her experiences.

The blog, “My Life Exposed,” is must reading. I urge you to follow her story and learn from it.

August 3, 2016August 2, 2016

Why the Hell Am I Still Sober?

This is the second in a series of posts about navigating through the unexpected. It’s based on experiences I’ve had since my father’s death last year.

A lot of legal paper pushing, hand-holding and arguing has gone into managing the building my late father left in my care. I’ve never dealt with lawyers so much in my life. Sorting out the various trusts, deeds, real-estate negotiations and environmental cleanup tasks has been a full-time job on top of my full-time job in infosec.

One of the lawyers repeatedly marvels at the fact that I haven’t been broken by it all. Specifically, he keeps asking how I haven’t crawled into a bottle of Scotch by now.

Mood music:

We laugh every time he mentions it, but I’ll be honest: I ask myself the same question every day.

I quit drinking on New Year’s Eve 2009, and it’s never been easy. I had reached the point where I felt I needed a glass or two of wine every night after work, and that was well before all the added responsibilities.

This past year, I’ve questioned my sobriety every day, wondering if it’s worth it. Sometimes, I reason to myself that a drink every evening would help keep my nerves steady. And it would give me an opportunity to enjoy myself.

But I’ve stayed sober anyway. And with good reason.

I’m an addict. If I start up again, it won’t just be one glass a night. It’ll be all the time, and I may not be able to stop once I get started. If that happens, I’ll falter in all my responsibilities.

My life may seem messy today, essentially managing two work lives. The people I deal with on a daily basis are difficult, to put it mildly. I often come home with raw nerves.

Would alcohol numb the nerves? Absolutely. But I wouldn’t stop there. I’d want to be numb every second of every day, and that would tank my writing and make me an easier target for those in the business world who want to take advantage of me.

I can’t let that happen.

July 30, 2016July 30, 2016

Time to Stop Separating Women from Men

A few years ago, I used to do a bunch of lists of security people to follow on Twitter every Friday. For a while I did a separate one on “women in security.” That is, until one of my peers called me out on it.

Essentially, my friend, Wendy Nather, said that I was contributing to sexism in the industry by separating the women from the men. That’s how I took it, anyway.

She was right.

Now when I create such lists, I put the sexes together. But I still see these all-women lists a lot. The intent is usually good, but the practice is behind the times.

And the practice is everywhere, not just security.

There’s the 10 women in science, top women in rock ‘n’ roll, and more.

I’m not saying that in the 21st century women are treated equally to men, thus eliminating the need for all-female distinctions. They’re not. Go to Google and you’ll have no trouble finding hundreds of articles on how woman are still marginalized in the boardroom, in politics and beyond.

I am saying we’re not helping the cause of gender equality by separating the sexes in these “people to watch” articles.

We should be judging everyone on their brains, ambition and contributions to society. No more separating by gender, skin color or sexual orientation.

Good people will disagree. I also don’t expect gender-specific lists and articles to cease.

But in my not-so-humble opinion, we’re looking at a symptom of the bigger problem.

No matter how much people talk about the glass ceiling being shattered, society still can’t stop dividing the sexes.

Woman facing down a man in the boardroom

July 26, 2016July 25, 2016

This Wasn’t Part of the Plan

This is the first in a series of posts about navigating through the unexpected. It’s based on experiences I’ve had since my father’s death last year. I’ve tried to follow the words of Winston Churchill, who once said, “If you’re going through Hell, keep going.”

I’ve had shitty years before — 1984, when my brother died, the year following my best friend’s suicide in 1997, and 2004, when another close friend died and I came closest to an emotional breakdown.

I can’t say 2015 was the worst year I’ve ever had. But it was pretty damn shitty all the same.

My aunt and father — siblings — died within a week of each other after long illnesses. I inherited the task of closing out the family business, which included the responsibility of trying to sell a building that’s mired in a costly environmental cleanup. That, in addition to the already full family life and career I have.

I had spent my life running from the family business. I had built my own successful career. Now the whole crumbling enterprise was on my shoulders, and there was no escaping the responsibility. But I wasn’t about to quit the career I’d worked so hard on. So I doubled down, and 2016 has been about learning to make this new equilibrium work.

Because of the cleanup, I decided to hang on to the building and lease it. I moved into my father’s office and determined that I could do my real job from there and keep an eye on the place without having to keep driving between offices for crisis control. So far, so good.

It hasn’t been all bad. I’ve learned more about business and the legal system this year than I ever expected to. Having the office doesn’t suck. And the fact that I haven’t fucked it all up yet is a sizable confidence booster.

At one point in my life, I thought I had already faced all the big tests, passing them one by one until about the time I started this blog six-and-a-half years ago.

Looking back at the posts I wrote that first year, everything was about how I had brought all the demons to heel: facing down fear and anxiety, learning to manage an addictive personality, and so on.

What I wrote was genuine, and I’ve continued to hold true to a lot of the older lessons.

But the test is never over. Now that I know that, the next several posts will delve deeper into the new challenges.

Stay tuned.

June 23, 2016June 23, 2016

Vote Your Conscience and Get Off My Lawn

I’ve been mostly silent about this year’s presidential contest. Since I’ve been pretty opinionated about such things in the past, this has worried some of my loved ones. And so, for this one post, I will tell you what I think.

Mood music:

https://youtu.be/-oUAekdWSO4

My worldview is much different than it was in my younger years. I used to think the fate of humanity hinged on each election. If the candidate I supported was in a tight race or losing, it would make me sick.

As I’ve gone through my personal growth journey, I’ve found that national and global politics are less important to me than the local politics. Tip O’Neill once said that all politics are local, but he was from a time when politicians knew how to compromise at the national level. Things are so polarized now that nothing of consequence can get done.

Still, I care about who my president is, because they are our representative to the world. I like my presidents to be moderate, middle-of-the-road pragmatists who don’t let ideology blind them to situations that demand flexible thinking.

In a lot of ways, Hillary Clinton would be my ideal candidate. She’s not as moderate as her husband was, but I think her experience as a senator and secretary of state would serve the country well on the global stage. I also think it’s past time we had a woman as president.

But as an internet security guy, I can’t get past the recklessness of how she managed her email during her State Department years. She had access to extremely sensitive information on the country’s diplomatic and military dealings, and to run that data through an unprotected server in her house may well have endangered the lives of agents in the field.

We in the security profession have been telling businesses for years that conducting business via personal email is a bad idea; that company email systems with extra security protections are a must. Since I’ve written a lot about that, it would be hypocritical of me to vote for someone who can’t abide by the same rules.

Donald Trump is an entertainer, a mogul with a mixed business record and a flamethrower. His campaign speeches have been blatantly racist and sexist. His big boast is that he’ll build a wall all along the Mexican border and have Mexico pay for it. If elected, he won’t accomplish any of the things he says he’ll get done (not that I think that’s a bad thing). He’ll just keep making dumb statements that will make us look bad to the rest of the world. So, no, I won’t be voting for him.

The Libertarian candidate, Gary Johnson, is more my speed: socially liberal and fiscally conservative. He’s been a governor, so he has executive experience the others don’t have. His running mate, Bill Weld, was my governor back in the ’90s, and I thought he did a good job cutting government waste and holding the line on taxes. I see Johnson-Weld as the most harmless choice, so that’s where my vote is going.

More than one person has said I’m foolish for voting for someone who “can’t possibly” win. That’s a foolish line of thinking in any election cycle. The most important thing a voter can do is obey their conscience. It’s one thing if you have two choices where one is close enough to your convictions and most likely to win to make sense. This year, in my opinion, both major-party candidates are too far off the reservation for me to support.

Feel free to try and change my mind. I doubt you will.

June 21, 2016June 21, 2016

To the Self-Righteous People Who Need a Pat on the Back

Firestorm in the shape of a fist and the middle finger

I’ve mentioned before that kids today are addicted to accolades, that being told how awesome they are has become more important than actually achieving anything. It’s time to be fair to the kids and admit it’s not just them.

We adults are just as bad — maybe even worse.

Mood music:

Armed with Facebook and Twitter accounts, we adults have the power to communicate like no other time in the past. And a lot of us use them to make big, self-righteous declarations without any supporting facts and with an acute aversion to being disagreed with. Praise has become a currency craved as badly as money.

I’ll admit my own sins. I’ve gone through periods where my head has grown three sizes too large because people have told me something I wrote was awesome. I’ve had a fair share of criticism come my way, and I haven’t always taken it like a man. And self-righteousness? I’m sure if someone wanted to do an inventory of past blog posts, they’d find something fitting the criteria with my name on it.

I’ve tried hard to break myself of that in the last couple years. It’s one of the reasons I don’t post as much as I used to. The realities of life have brought me crashing to earth, too. Starting a new job and continuing to manage my father’s unfinished business has changed my priorities. When you have thousands of dollars of legal bills and six-figure building upgrade costs to worry about, your number of Twitter followers and search for praise becomes more trivial.

Delivering on work responsibilities has become more important than getting attention for a Facebook post.

So when I see someone making big statements online and having a tantrum when someone offers an alternative point of view, it strikes me as a dumb waste of time. The issues people get their undergarments in a twist over are as big as the sky: gay rights, gun-owner rights, presidential politics and a thousand other things. If you have an opinion on any of these and you slap someone down because they disagreed with you instead of patting you on the back, you might be part of the problem.

Just try to remember a few things:

Our critics make us smarter if we’re willing to listen to them.
The realities of the world are never as clear cut as we like to believe.
We can get heaping portions of praise online and feel good about it, but in 100 years the legacy we leave behind will be what people remember, not who thought we were awesome on Twitter in 2016.
Compassion and fairness travel a two-way street and it only takes one stubborn jerk to cause a traffic jam.

I know I’m not striking the perfect balance all the time, and if you disagree with anything I’ve said here, be as brutal as you like.

I might not see your criticism, though. I’m busy having a life.

June 6, 2016June 6, 2016

Living in the Precious Present (If You Can Find It)

One of the basic traits of someone with OCD is an inability to live in the moment. Learning to do so is one of my big projects at the moment.

I’m better at living in the precious present than I used to be. I can remember being a kid, always daydreaming about the future: what I’d look like and how cool my life would be if I were thinner, the clothes I would wear, the girls I would date and the music I would write.

As I sat in my basement pondering such greatness, I’d be binge eating, drinking and smoking and wasting the moment.

Wasting the moment will prevent the future dreams from coming true every time. And so it was with me for a long time. It’s ironic that I did that sort of thing, because I had a nasty fear of the future that was caused by a fear of current events. I was convinced the world wouldn’t make it past 1999. That being the case, I should have embraced the present.

For whatever reason, I didn’t.

Later on, I’d daydream about what life would be like if I got a better job than the one I had at the time. I would have been better off finding ways to make the job I had and myself better day to day.

Through intense therapy for OCD and a program to control the binge eating, I’m much more able to live in the moment.

But I still struggle to keep my head in the moment, especially lately. My wife once compared some of it to my inability to see food portions in the proper perspective. I have no concept of what too much food looks like, so I have to put everything on a scale.

When the OCD runs hot I get the same way about time. I lose perspective on how long something will take or what I should be doing with the moment. I’ll go on the tear around the house doing chores, for example, when more important things are right in front of me, like spending some time with the kids.

It’s a confusing mix and it may not make much sense to you. But it is something I’m working on.

There’s plenty of things to be hopeful of and worry about concerning the future. But in the end, we can only do so much about what’s going to happen.

Better to embrace the moment then, right?

I don’t know how I’ll perfect that one, if I ever do.

For now, I’ll just be grateful that I’m better at it than I used to be.

May 2, 2016May 1, 2016

My Impostor Syndrome Is Showing

White ceramic mask with green and gold accents, broken in half diagonally from the left eye down

Saturday was one of those days where everything was getting to me: the myriad tasks that need doing on the family building we’re leasing out, the adjustments I need to make to my health regimen, and the general lack of downtime.

As the day went on, though, I realized my inner turmoil was more about my career than my personal life. I’m suffering from a brutal bout of impostor syndrome.

Mood music:

I’ve been focusing on my job itself, lately: writing the reports and threat advisories that are a staple of what my team does, blogging specifically about those things and taking the lead on communications regarding vulnerabilities and other issues. That’s where my full focus SHOULD be, because that’s what my team counts on me for.

But my success in infosec has always been about my ability to contribute beyond my day job, and on that front I’ve been lagging.

I haven’t recorded a podcast in months. I’ve done very little security blogging outside of the stuff mentioned above. I don’t attend security conferences or volunteer to help out with local events like I used to. I haven’t given a talk or moderated a panel in months.

So when people continue to express appreciation for contributions to my industry, I don’t feel like I’m earning it. I start feeling like a fake. My Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn followings keep expanding, and I don’t feel like I’ve earned that, either.

Are there legitimate reasons for the inactivity? Sure. My father’s death and the responsibilities he passed on to me forced a Seismic shift in how I conduct daily life.

But I also feel like I’m not doing the things I built my reputation on because I’ve simply fallen out of habit.

I’m tired a lot, but my inactivity seems to be fueling the exhaustion. When I give a lot of energy to my work passions, it creates more energy. My mental pilot has gone out from lack of it.

My inconsistent eating and exercise habits have only added to that, I’m sure.

I’ve been working to pull out of this downward spiral. I’ve been picking up the guitar at least three days a week, even if I only play for 10 minutes at a time. I’ve also pushed myself to write more in this blog.

Now I need to turn things up a few more decibels. It’s not going to be easy, because this is a hard pattern to break. But I have to do it. My self-respect is on the line.

To that end, I request this favor from all of you:

If you don’t see more of the content you’ve come to expect from me, call me out on it. Hold my feet to the fire. Don’t let me off the hook.

Before you tell me how much you respect me, make sure I’m really earning it.