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What I Learned About Myself at DEF CON

I’m just back from Las Vegas, where I attended BSidesLV, Black Hat and DEF CON. I’m jet-lagged as hell and feel like toxic waste, but I’m also feeling pretty good about myself.

Mood music:

Here’s the thing about DEF CON: Attendance is huge, the lines are long and it’s easy to find yourself wedged between crowds of humanity moving in different directions. Like all of Vegas’ casinos, a thick cloud of cigarette smoke hangs in the air, and unhealthy food is easier to obtain than healthy food.

For someone given to fear and anxiety, the place is a nightmare — the trigger for every mental demon to come out.

As readers know by now, I have a history of fear and anxiety. I’ve written about how I’ve brought it under control in recent years, but the DEF CON experience really demonstrated how far I’ve come.

No matter what you tried to do at DEF CON, there were huge lines. Lines for coffee. Lines to get into talks. Lines for food. The kind of lines that snake around corners and continue into infinity.

A decade ago, I would have hidden in my hotel room the entire time. Actually, I would have just stayed home.

But I walked with the big crowds and stood in the lines. I kept calm and usually found a friend to talk to and pass the time.

Part of my success is having the ability to realize that the crowds aren’t there to torment me. Everyone’s trying to get somewhere. It’s not about me, ever. Knowing that makes me feel more secure in the crowd.

I’ve also learned to take breaks. Hiding in the room the whole time is bad; going there for one- or two-hour breathers is good. I did the latter a couple times a day, and it worked well.

I also made a point of getting to bed before midnight each day. I used to stay up all night, going from one party to the next. A couple years ago, I made peace with the fact that I’m getting too old for that. Prioritizing sleep allowed me to maximize the quality of my awake hours.

DEF CON did show me that I still have work to do on myself. Social awkwardness remains an issue. I have a lot of industry relationships on Facebook and Twitter, but I still get weirded out when I meet some of those people in person. People never look exactly the same as their Facebook pictures, including me.

I probably walked past people I know online a bunch of times. If you saw me and I didn’t come up and say hello, I apologize. In my awkwardness, I sometimes have trouble recognizing you.

So there you have it: Better with crowds and lines, still socially awkward. In the grand scheme of things, the journey in the right direction continues.

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That Restless Feeling When You’re Waiting to Travel

This time next week I’ll be traveling to Las Vegas for three security conferences, and I’m finding myself in a restless state of mind. It’s that point where the planning and logistics have been worked out, and I’m itching to just get on with the mission at hand.

It’s a mindset that conflicts with the “one day at a time” system of living I’ve worked hard to adopt in recent years.

Mood music:

http://youtu.be/Skq1llOdeQs

I do “one day at a time” a lot better than I used to. But as a human being, I’m occasionally going to slip and become unanchored. I know a lot of people who get this way right before an important business trip.

In my case it’s not a fear thing; I’m looking forward to it. The challenge is in remembering where I am and what I’m supposed to be doing until travel day arrives.

True, as conferences go in my industry, this Vegas trilogy is big. There are a lot of people to reach and a lot of writing and networking to be done. A lot of energy goes into doing it well. For now, that energy is bottled up, waiting for the appointed time. That ratchets up the feeling of restlessness.

But there’s a lot of life going on between now and when I fly — things I also look forward to.

It’s up to me to keep the restless energy in its proper place and focus on the here and now.

I’ll let y’all know how that goes.

tornado funnel

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Black Hat, BSidesLV, DEF CON Anxiety Leads to Stress Dreams

I typically don’t remember my dreams, but Tuesday night I had a doozy of a stress dream. You could say my brain was smacking me for making light of other people’s anxieties in the run up to Black Hat, DEF CON and BSidesLV.

Every year at this time I start to hear people worrying aloud about their Vegas schedules, which is understandable. I used to create detailed schedules but threw out the script a few years ago when my fear of the unexpected diminished.

But Tuesday night’s dream proves that I still get as anxious as other people on occasion.

Mood music:

In the dream, I wake up in the middle of a food court in Vegas. I’m apparently in Vegas for just a day, and I realize I’ve slept through most of the one day I was scheduled to be there. It’s 7:28 p.m., and I realize I’ve missed all of that day’s conference proceedings. To make matters worse, I have to pack my things and change hotels before I can salvage any networking I can squeeze out of the trip. I walk two miles in the desert with all my luggage to the next taxi line. Somewhere in there, I check my voicemail and find a message from my father asking me to call him.

Then I wake up, relieved and pissed off at the same time.

There’s something about RSA and Black Hat/BSidesLV/DEF CON that bring this out of me in the two weeks leading up to showtime. They are indeed monster events for our industry — places to be seen, contribute content, pitch your company’s message and catch up with friends and far-flung colleagues. To miss it seems like a fail to a lot of people think as the moment closes in. It’s an irrational fear, but it’s there nonetheless.

I’m framing this by the industry I work in, but this anxiety isn’t strictly a security community issue. It’s something people in all walks of life deal with.

Such anxiety used to be much worse. I used to panic months in advance about the flights and whether the planes would stay in the air. I’d worry about how many stories I had to write to be considered successful at the event.

Now, it seems, my issue has narrowed to the obsession with simply getting from points A to B.

It’s progress, but I can’t help feeling stupid when I succumb to a pressure no one instigated but me.

sign: welcome to fabulous las vegas nevada

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Tools to Fight Your Demons at #Defcon, #BlackHat and More

This isn’t a post about how I think you should behave at DEF CON. I’ve already said my bit about the drama aspect and shared my experiences being a sober guy at security cons. This isn’t an anti-drinking tirade or a lecture about the treatment of women at these events.

It IS a resource for those who have demons they’d like to control during our so-called Security Summer Camp.

Mood music:

http://youtu.be/P2zgjIGaIo4

There’s been some talk about hackers holding Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings during DEF CON. One thing I’ve heard is that some folks have requested that a room be scheduled and set aside twice a day for an hour at a time — once in the morning and once later in the day — for sobriety meetings. I think it’s a great idea. But those looking for a meeting already have plenty of choices. AA meetings are everywhere, every day in just about every city. Check out this list of meeting days, times and locations along the Vegas Strip.

If you’re like me and compulsive binge eating is a problem, there are also plenty of Overeaters Anonymous (OA) meetings not far from where we’ll be. Las Vegas OA has a list.

A long-time conference issue is how women are treated. If you’re new to the event and are concerned about that, my good friend Erin Jacobs (@SecBarbie) has been running a buddy system for at least a couple years.

On her Security Socialility blog she writes:

If you are or you know someone, especially (but not only) female, who is new to the conferences or might need a friendly hand, give them this number:

+1-650-4-BACKUP

I have setup this to contact me via voice and text during the conference so I can help assist people who find themselves uncomfortable, need a friend to talk to about something that happened, are in a situation that is turning bad that need some assistance, or need some first-time attendee guidance. Anyone who reaches out will have their information kept confidential and not shared unless the individual wishes for me to speak on their behalf. If for some reason I can’t get to you personally, I will respond with a trusted helping hand to help you as much as possible.

If you’re new to all this, have no fear. The security community is a family. Drunk or sober, we look out for each other.

I’ve gotten nothing but support from the community as I’ve worked to manage my own addictions. But that’s only one piece of the puzzle. Ultimately, we have a responsibility to take care of ourselves.

Personal demons are not a product of the security community. They’re a product of being human. We all need help. But we have to help ourselves, too.

The weapons to fight your demons are all around you, no matter where you travel. You just have to use them.

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