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Why the Hell Am I Still Sober?

This is the second in a series of posts about navigating through the unexpected. It’s based on experiences I’ve had since my father’s death last year.

A lot of legal paper pushing, hand-holding and arguing has gone into managing the building my late father left in my care. I’ve never dealt with lawyers so much in my life. Sorting out the various trusts, deeds, real-estate negotiations and environmental cleanup tasks has been a full-time job on top of my full-time job in infosec.

One of the lawyers repeatedly marvels at the fact that I haven’t been broken by it all. Specifically, he keeps asking how I haven’t crawled into a bottle of Scotch by now.

Mood music:

We laugh every time he mentions it, but I’ll be honest: I ask myself the same question every day.

I quit drinking on New Year’s Eve 2009, and it’s never been easy. I had reached the point where I felt I needed a glass or two of wine every night after work, and that was well before all the added responsibilities.

This past year, I’ve questioned my sobriety every day, wondering if it’s worth it. Sometimes, I reason to myself that a drink every evening would help keep my nerves steady. And it would give me an opportunity to enjoy myself.

But I’ve stayed sober anyway. And with good reason.

I’m an addict. If I start up again, it won’t just be one glass a night. It’ll be all the time, and I may not be able to stop once I get started. If that happens, I’ll falter in all my responsibilities.

My life may seem messy today, essentially managing two work lives. The people I deal with on a daily basis are difficult, to put it mildly. I often come home with raw nerves.

Would alcohol numb the nerves? Absolutely. But I wouldn’t stop there. I’d want to be numb every second of every day, and that would tank my writing and make me an easier target for those in the business world who want to take advantage of me.

I can’t let that happen.

Broken wine bottle

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Drinking at Security Cons

A friend from the security community, Rob Fuller, has written a post about drinking at conferences. It’s an activity I engaged in with abandon until I decided to quit drinking on New Year’s Day 2010. His post reminds me of what the transition to sobriety was like in conference settings.

I drank my way through the first few RSA conferences to cope with nerves. You could drink all you want for free at the vendor parties, so it was an easy crutch to grab for. At RSA 2010, I was in hell. I stayed sober but didn’t know quite how to behave or deal with people who were drunk. I looked back at my posts from that week, and found this snapshot of what I was feeling:

So here I am in San Francisco for the RSA conference and Security B-Sides events. I’m at a lot of events that involve drinking and instead of wine I’m sucking down club sodas and Red Bull. And, truth be told, I still have trouble feeling at ease in the crowd without the wine buzzing beneath the skin of my forehead.

Fortunately,  each subsequent event got easier for me, and now I’m at ease in a crowd full of drinkers. I also realized from the beginning of sobriety that there is a support system. People have held AA meetings during RSA and ShmooCon. And when you let it known you are no longer drinking, there are people who look out for you. Getting that support from the outset definitely helped cement my affection for the security community.

I’ve been asked more than once if I ever get pressure to drink at these events.

Never.

In his post, Rob wrote that he believes there’s too much drinking going on and wants his peers to throttle back.

It’s certainly not an issue that’s unique to the security community. I know people from other industries who tell similar tales of drinking and debauchery at conferences they attend.

Do conference attendees drink too much? Do they need to get better control of themselves? I think it really depends on the individual. Most people handle their liquor just fine. I wish I had that ability. It really comes down to whether the individual feels they have it together.

If you feel like conferences are nothing but a blur of hangovers and you don’t like it anymore, you probably need to consider a modified lifestyle.

Of course, someone with a drinking problem can think they have it together but be a total wreck. If conferences are nothing but a drunken blur, whether you like it or not, you should sober up.

I’m just grateful I found a way through my own challenges.

men toasting each other