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Thought I Was a Security Rockstar. Was Just Stupid

In pretty much every industry of late, people of great talent, drive and achievement are being labeled rock stars. I certainly see it as I work in the information security industry.

Those who get the label tend to deserve it. But there’s a dangerous side-effect: The term rock star can bloat the egos of those it’s bestowed upon. It leads to big heads and bad attitudes. I’ve watched many handle it with humble grace. And I’ve watched a few fall into the trap.

Exhibit A: me.

Mood music:

As a security journalist who posted new content almost daily, I got a lot of praise and, yes, some called me a rock star. This snowballed when I started The OCD Diaries.

I found myself on more than one “security influencers to follow” list. People kept praising me for my supposed raw honesty. So I did what any good addict does: I drank it up, tied all my self worth into it and started to believe it all.

Don’t get me wrong. I think I’ve accomplished a lot of good stuff, and I’ve certainly been lucky in my career. But a rock star? Looking back on it now, I don’t think so.

I believed it when people told me, though. My head grew larger, while my brain went stale. I stopped trying. I truly believed I could pull off anything with little effort.

Of course, the real world doesn’t work that way.

I eventually found myself growing snobby, moldy and stagnant. Somewhere along the way as I bought into my own hype, I started to fail.

I lapsed into old habits. I began dialing in my work. The praise became chains, weighing me down like Scrooge’s old business partner in A Christmas Carol.

Sometime last fall, I went from being a rock star to the office jerk. It left me off balance and in a depression that deepened over the winter. I started to worry about being found out as an impostor. Worse, I found myself losing my usefulness.

Since then, I’ve been working hard to return to my roots. I feel like I’m starting to make real progress, but I still have a ways to go.

As for those in my industry who remain honest and humble, I aspire to be more like them. And I don’t fault those who are kind enough to put the rock star mantle on others. I simply see as lessons for all of us:

Never stop working your asses off.
Never stop seeking truth.
Don’t be like me — not too much, anyway.

 

 

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People Who Talk About Themselves and Those They Torture

I admit I haven’t always been the best listener. God knows I try, but sometimes my dysfunctional brain shuts down after more than 15 minutes of someone telling me about everything happening in their lives.

I look like I’m listening, but I’m only quiet and staring at you because I’m numb.

Mood video:

I’ve invested a lot of time and energy into changing that. I took a class about ways to stay in the present moment. I’ve kept on top of my anti-depressant medication, getting adjustments as needed. That helps keep my OCD under control, which in turn makes me a better listener. Some days are better than others.

But there are still certain people out there that I’ll always have trouble listening to. That’s because they’ll talk about themselves for hours and show little interest in letting the other people around them talk. You know the type: a friend that bends your ear on the phone, going on about all their problems while you’re forced to sit there in silent torment. The person at a party who corners you and waxes poetic about all the important work they’re doing and how awesome they are. Or how awful everyone and everything is until you want to leave the party so badly that you’re willing to fake cardiac arrest.

Those people are so oblivious to the fact that they do this that they may read this post and not realize that it’s about them.

I admit straightaway that it’s hypocritical of me to point a finger, because I have a history of being a better talker than listener. I could tell you I’m not talking about myself and am instead gifting my victims with juicy historical facts and stories so funny they drop their glass from laughing so hard.

But that would be bullshit.

I’m like anyone else who talks more than he listens. I’ll tell you about what’s going on in my life and leave you little room to do the same.

Knowing that I can be that way has actually made me more tolerant of other over-talkers. I also try to remember what my therapist says every time this comes up: “There’s no greater gift you can give another person than your time and attention.”

I could end this by suggesting other over-talkers try doing the same. I could suggest they take a mindfulness class or go in a church and sit quietly for 30 minutes. But it’s not my place to do that.

All I can do is work on myself and be the better listener.

And if there are people that are too obnoxious to listen to, I can simply avoid them.

Yip Yip Martians