Faith

The Priest Who Came Clean

by Bill Brenner April 11, 2010 Addiction

I’ve met many priests, some good and some not-so-good. People criticize priests because they’re athiests or they’re angry about the sex abuse scandal. Father Dennis Nason made a believer out of me by coming clean about his own sins. You would have to be sick in the head NOT to be outraged by the sex abuse, and especially of the cover-up. In the end, though, people forget that priests are human, with all the sin-making…  [Read More]

Forgiveness is a Bitch

by Bill Brenner March 19, 2010 Faith

Seeking and giving forgiveness is essential to my faith and ability to fight my addictive impulses. But it’s often seen as a green light for more abuse. Mood music: For you to understand what I’m about to get into, a review of the 12 Steps of Recovery are in order: 1. We admitted we were powerless over [insert addiction. Here’s mine]—that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than…  [Read More]

A Suicide

by Bill Brenner March 18, 2010 Coping tools

The author’s message to some people mourning a friend’s suicide. He’s been there, so maybe these words will help. Mood music for this post: “Murder in the City,” by the Avett Brothers: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aE7rkSELM3I&hl=en_US&fs=1&] Some acquaintances in the information security community are currently dealing with something I know about all too well — a friend taking their own life. I don’t know these people very well, and I never met the woman they are now grieving…  [Read More]

The Long Road Through Self-Hatred

by Bill Brenner March 13, 2010 Addiction

The author has learned that it’s damn hard to like yourself at the beginning of sobriety and abstinence. The feeling will pass. Eventually. Mood music: A friend and fellow 12-Stepper just hit a major milestone in her recovery: 90 days of abstinence. In the world of compulsive overeating, think of this as 90 days of back-to-back sobriety. She worked hard for this and has every reason to be bursting with joy. Yet she’s uneasy. She…  [Read More]

Portable Recovery

by Bill Brenner March 8, 2010 Addiction

Though addiction will follow the junkie anywhere in the world, the author has discovered that recovery is just as portable. Mood Music for this post: “Turn the Page” — the Metallica version: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOibtqWo6z4&hl=en_US&fs=1&] I’ve seen interview after interview where musicians describe their drug habits and how being on the road made them so much worse. One of the best examples was Motley Crue on the Girls Girls Girls tour, where the four band members’ addictions…  [Read More]

Friends Who Help You Heal

by Bill Brenner February 28, 2010 Coping tools

The following was written one winter in a moment of absolute clarity. Mood  music: [spotify:track:27xIf7tzHPQFX068pFYlAh] Today was sunny and warm in San Francisco. After the never-ending winter back home, I got what I needed today: A walk all over the city with my good friend, Rob Westervelt. We started by walking along Fisherman’s Wharf, then Golden Gate Park and covered a lot of ground in between. It brought back memories of when I came here…  [Read More]

Outing Myself

by Bill Brenner February 22, 2010 Adventures in writing

The author on why he chose to “out” himself despite what other people might think. Mood music: [spotify:track:1Qdnvn4XlmZANCVy3XjrQo] A couple friends have asked why I “outed myself” in this blog. Wasn’t I afraid people would blackball me at work? Don’t I worry that I’ll be defined by my struggle with OCD above all else? It’s a fair question. First, let’s get the notion of “courage” and “bravery” off the table. Some have used those words…  [Read More]

Addicted to Feeling Good: A Love-Hate Story

by Bill Brenner February 17, 2010 Addiction

Every now and then, it’s useful to look back at who I used to be so I can appreciate who I am today. I do it partly to laugh at how — in many ways, despite the progress I’ve made — I can still be as stupid in adulthood as I was 20-plus years ago. As I write this we’re halfway through Lent — a time to sacrifice habits you love — or, in my case,…  [Read More]

What Kind of Day It Has Been

by Bill Brenner February 16, 2010 Addiction

The author’s day has not gone as planned. He’s OK with that, though he wasn’t always. Mood music for this post: “Adrift And At Peace” from NIN: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMnv8zrmAyU&hl=en_US&fs=1&] This day has not gone as planned. I wanted to be in the office today plowing through some work. But another winter storm forced me to work from home. Some would say it’s great I can do that, and it is. But when there’s a lot on…  [Read More]

Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely

by Bill Brenner February 14, 2010 Faith

The author goes to Church and comes away with a strange feeling. Mood music for this post: “Faith.” The Limp Bizkit version: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UpPM-5TJIZ0&hl=en_US&fs=1&] Yesterday at All Saints Parish Father Michael Harvey delivered one of those Homilies that sent my mind and soul all over the map. I like Father Harvey. I wasn’t sure about him at first. He had the massive shoes of Father Mark Ballard to fill, so the deck was stacked against him…  [Read More]

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