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8 Things You Should Know About This Blog

Many family members have recently started reading this blog. Given the semi-autobiographical nature of this beast, misunderstandings have caused friction with a couple people along the way. I’ve written what follows in hopes of clarifying a few things.

Mood music:

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  • I don’t come here to complain about life. Parts of the blog are dark. Other parts are chock-full of my blunt opinions. Some misinterpret that as unhappiness on my part. That’s not the case. Everyone has ups and downs, and I’ve dealt with it in ways right and wrong. I went from being depressed and anxious all the time to confident and mostly happy, and I share both sides of the coin with readers for two reasons: to clarify things for myself and to tell readers that they’re never beyond repair and never alone.
  • If I seem depressed or angry in a post, it doesn’t mean that I am. Some of you see a post where I recount an episode of depression or a day where my addictive impulses got the better of me and assume that I’m in crisis. Some will read a post I wrote a year ago and think that’s my current state of mind. In reality, these posts are a snapshot in time. Maybe I’m blue at the time of writing, but I share the mood for the sake of a lesson I’ve learned about life along the way — that the bad moods pass and down periods make way for up periods. Usually when you read a post, I’ve long since moved on.
  • I don’t share darker aspects of family history to take shots at people. To share lessons I’ve learned in life, I have to go into detail about where I’ve been, how I got the way I was during the darker times and how I found a better place. If I tell the story of a painful period involving family, it’s not to hurt people. It’s simply to share how certain events shaped me.
  • I don’t claim to be 100 percent accurate 100 percent of the time. When sharing an experience, I never claim it’s gospel. I simply recall things to the best of my memory. But no two memories are the same, and if you ask four people to tell you what they remember, you’ll hear four slightly different versions of the same tale. That’s especially true when recalling childhood memories. If you see something that doesn’t ring true, tell me. In every case, I’m going for the truth.
  • I’m much harder on myself than I will ever be on anyone else. A lot of this blog is about the mistakes I’ve made in life and what I’ve learned from them. I’ve been told repeatedly that I’m too hard on myself, but I disagree. Part of the blog is about keeping myself honest and keeping myself on a positive trajectory. A merciless self-inventory from time to time is essential.
  • “Why is he doing this now?” One family member asked that question, and here’s my answer: I started the blog so that I could use writing to put my experiences in perspective. It’s been helpful to me, and in the process many people have told me it’s helped them as well. We all need a dose of perspective, so I try to do my part. It’s also not all about me. I accept guest posts, and that includes those from family members. I’ll run posts that fit this blog regardless of how I’m portrayed, because, as I said, everyone’s memory captures things a little differently. For a more complete picture of what this blog is about, read this.
  • I’m not here trying to pass myself off as an expert on life. For a better explanation of that, go here.
  • People don’t dissect the blog in search of faults the way you think they do. Whenever an author writes something autobiographical, someone claims they were inaccurately portrayed and that everyone will read about them and think the worst. The truth is that since everyone has dysfunction in their families, no one is going to read this sort of blog and pass judgement.

We’re all imperfect people with flaws. Most people are too wrapped up in their own problems to judge those mentioned here based on anything I write.

My hope is that they can read about a tough family situation and see how the lessons apply in their own lives.

If any of this bothers you, call me, email me or hit me up on Facebook.

With love,
Bill

family fight

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Cut Toxic People Loose

We all have dysfunctional friends and family. In some respects, they add color and fun to our lives. But sometimes you find yourself up against that special someone who constantly complains about others and puts you down. We want to accept the latter as much as we accept the former. But there’s a problem.

Mood music:

The latter group — we’ll call them the toxic people — rub off on you. Their toxic tirades seep into your pores until you either (a) get sick with worry because of all the rumors you’ve been fed or (b) end up as a toxic complainer yourself. When you get this way, you will surely bring other people down.

As a Catholic, I’ve been taught that we have to love and accept everyone, regardless of their flaws. Unless, of course, they are a pro-choice Democrat.

Political jokes aside, the line about acceptance makes perfect sense. Love is supposed to win out against hate. I badly want to believe it. But I’ve also learned from experience that it simply can’t always work that way. If someone insists on vomiting verbal toxins every time you have a chance to converse, you have to cut them lose before they poison your soul.

That’s the inconvenient truth about toxic people. You want to love them because you know that, deep down, there’s a good heart beating away. But if you stand too close, you’ll adopt the very qualities in them that you despise.

Don’t let it happen.

If you have a toxic person in your life, cut them lose. Not because you’re selfish and you can’t handle the pressure, but because you have to stay strong for yourself and many others.

Life is too hard and too short to be dealing with negative souls. Pray for them because you want them to be happy and more pleasant to be around. But do so from a distance.

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Oh, The Guilt

I’ve always been driven by guilt. I used to hide it because with guilt comes shame and with shame comes deceit. In more recent years, however, I’ve tried to use it to become a better man. Results are mixed.

 

My inability to process guilt started at an early age. Growing up Jewish, I’d get Hanukkah gelt (Yiddish for “money”) during the Festival of Lights. Not understanding Yiddish, I thought it was called Hanukkah guilt. “Why the fuck am I being handed guilt as a present?” I’d ask myself. Only in adulthood would I realize how a simple misunderstanding of language would shape my thinking.

Since then, guilt has been the gift that keeps on giving.

Guilt over not talking to my mom for six years. I have it in spades. Not because she’s blameless, but because I know that some of what’s gone wrong is my fault. And while I’ve written about things in childhood that made me unhappy, I haven’t given her credit for what she did right. But that’s a subject for another post.

Guilt over binge eating and other addictive behaviors. There’s been plenty of that over the years. After spending $30 at McDonald’s and another $20 at Dunkin’ Donuts on what used to be a typical binge on the drive home from work, I’d stuff the empty bags under the seats. Erin called them guilt bags, and she would eventually find them. (For more on that, see “The Most Uncool Addiction” and “Anatomy of a Binge.”)

Guilt over being a bad pet owner. In my early 20s, I had two pet rats. They were very loving and gentle. I went on a trip to California and forgot to ask someone to look after them. When I got back, I found them both dead. To this day I feel horrible about that. One lesson I learned from that: Don’t leave the tank you keep your pets in on the floor of your closet, because you could forget they’re in there.

Guilt over money. Guilt has also weighed me down when I’ve mishandled money (math was never one of my stronger traits) or lied to my wife over things I was ashamed of.

Guilt from letting some relationships languish over the years. In some cases, people are difficult and I need to keep my distance for self-preservation. Other times, though, I’m just too lazy to pick up the phone.

Parenthood guilt. I always try to be the parent who’s always gentle, listens carefully to my children’s every word and helps them deal with life’s big issues. I sometimes fail because I’m too tired or too lost behind a computer screen.

They say guilt is a useless emotion, that it causes you to waste all your time worrying about things you can’t control or change. That’s true to a point. But I’ve learned the value of guilt over the years as a tool to make me a better man.

For example, these days I’m trying to spend less time online and more time playing Monopoly and other games with the kids. It’s only a start, but it’s something.

Remembering food guilt has definitely kept me from further binges. And while my money-management skills still leave much to be desired, I don’t spend like I used to.

As for the stuff about my mother, another attempt at reconciling is not out of the question.

In its proper place, guilt is a good awareness tool.

Definition of guilt

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Four Survival Tips for Dysfunctional Family Events

I’ll admit it: I’m something of a black sheep in my family. There’s a large chunk of family I have little to no communication with. But sometimes big events require us to be together in the same space, like a wedding this coming Saturday. What to do?

Mood music:

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I’m thinking about this because the family member I’m most estranged from sent me a Facebook friend request yesterday. Since she unfriended and blocked me a few months ago, pissed to the gills over this blog and some of the memories I’ve shared here, I decided to decline the invitation. I really don’t need to hear the same old bullshit about how this person is the victim and how my recollections are distorted.

But Erin, the kids and I still have to share the same space with this person on Saturday, so I’m thinking a lot about how we should conduct ourselves. In the process, a survival guide is forming in my head. It is in no way scientific. It may not even work. But it’s what I’ve got so far.

  • Smile and say hello. Sure you can give your estranged loved one an icy stare and cold shoulder, but all that will do is throw tension in the air for everyone to bathe in. That wouldn’t be fair. I despise people who let their selfishness wreck someone else’s special occasion. Just smile and say hello. You don’t have to have a conversation. Just be cordial when face to face. My extended family deserves some credit on this score, because at a wedding over the summer everyone behaved. I think it’ll be the same this time.
  • Don’t stare. If there’s one thing I hate at family gatherings, it’s when people stare at you. I’ve been stared at during all kinds of family events involving all sides of my clan. It leaves me wondering if I have potato salad in my beard or a hole in my pants. I can’t stop people from staring, but I’ve decided not to stare back. Staring contests never end well.
  • Find a buddy. No matter how many people you’re not getting along with, you can always count on finding a few people you are getting along with. Instead of staring at others, find the family and friends you get on well with and spend your the time talking to them.
  • Don’t linger if you’re uncomfortable. Some would say it’s rude and selfish to be the family member who leaves the event early. I disagree. If you linger and your comfort level is stuck in the low setting the whole time, it’ll show in your body language and the people around you will feel it. Why do that to them?  When that’s the case, gracefully remove yourself from the scene.
  • Say your goodbyes, give some hugs and leave.

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