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Wakes Are for the Living, You Selfish Bastard

My post “Death Etiquette: Pay Your Respects, Even If They Hate You” got a lot of response — all of it disagreeing with me. All who commented made good points, but some details require clarification.

Mood music:

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My point in that post was that if someone you love dies and someone else tells you not to attend the memorial services, they are being selfish and you need to do what you feel is right to honor the dead. Here’s what a few close friends said in response on my Facebook page (with my responses included):

Ken White: If someone closer to the deceased specifically does not want you there, I think it rude to go anyway. You can say goodbye in your own way. The dead will not be insulted and I see no reason for you to upset someone during such an upsetting situation just so you can feel better about “paying your respects.” In your case, no one specifically asked you not to attend, so I think you are correct. In the other case, she could call the ex-mother-in-law directly and ask. If she can’t summon the courage to ask for permission, then she shouldn’t be at the wake/funeral.

Paul Bowen: Send flowers if you think folks don’t want you there but you want to pay your respects. Wakes are for the living not the dead.

Me: I think that is a good point in regards to the wake. But the funeral is all about the dead and a person should be able to go and sit at the back of the church, temple etc.

Ken: Bill, it’s not about you. It’s a family thing, and if you are guaranteed to cause a problem, well, I just think it is selfish.

Some clarifications:

I agree the wake is a family thing, and that if you’re not family you should probably just send flowers. I also agree that if someone is a loose cannon around certain people, they should stay away. Nobody should go to a wake or funeral knowing that they will cause mayhem.

But the person I wrote about was part of that family and was close to the deceased. Telling her to stay away is selfish, too (selfishness can go both ways). I do agree with everyone commenting that a good middle ground is to skip the wake and go to the funeral, hanging at the back of the church. The person I wrote about is being discouraged from doing even that, and since it’s family, I think that’s unfair.

I also should have been clearer about the wake vs. funeral. It seems that readers thought I was talking mostly about the wake, and that since wakes are for the living more than the dead my arguments are invalid.

But I was talking about the funeral as much as the wake. Unless the obituary calls it a private service, anyone should be able to go and sit in the back of the church. Wakes are another matter. I agree that if you know you will cause a problem, you should stay away. But then this post wasn’t directed at the loose cannons. It was directed toward reasonable people who never willingly inject chaos into a wake.

I also think people missed the full picture in the example I gave. That’s because I held back a lot of detail to preserve the anonymity of those involved. In doing so, I didn’t give you a clear picture of where the dysfunctional family fault lines are.

It’s hard to give an informed opinion when you’re not fully informed.

At the end of the day, I think this is a useful discussion to have if it helps us conduct ourselves better going forward.

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Death Etiquette: Pay Your Respects, Even If They Hate You

Someone I know just learned that her ex’s maternal grandfather died. Though this man was like a grandfather to her, she’s getting pressure to stay away from the wake and funeral because her ex-mother-in-law doesn’t want her around.

Some of you might say she should stay away, that her ex-mother-in-law’s wishes should come before other considerations. After all, it’s her father who died, and she needs all the comforting loved ones could give her. She shouldn’t have to see people she can’t handle.

I can appreciate that sentiment. But I don’t agree.

Mood music:

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I recently went through a similar experience. The dad of one of my best friends passed away last fall. Nobody told me to stay away, and they wouldn’t have done so. But various members of the family have been angry with me in the last decade and a half, so I felt some pressure to stay away all the same.

In the end I attended the wake and the funeral. Some of the family were as cold to me as I had expected. But the deceased was a great man who played an important role in my life, so I’m glad I did it.

And that’s the point, really: When someone you care about dies, you have to do what you feel is right to honor that person’s memory. If that person was special to you, then your presence will honor them. The desires of other mourners — no matter how close they were to the dead — are secondary.

Of course, that doesn’t mean you flaunt your presence in front of those who may not want you there. Go in, quickly offer them condolences, say a prayer in front of the casket and go find a corner where you don’t have to see certain people. There will always be someone there to talk to, and they won’t care if you get along with the family or not.

If you stay away because someone can’t handle you, it’ll haunt you forever. That would be a damn shame.