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Learning to Deal with the Pressure

Update 6/25/20:  When I wrote this, I had no clue about the stresses and curve balls still to come. I aged a lot in the 5 years that followed, but through fire and error, I remain standing.

Baseball has never been my thing, but I’m learning to deal with the big curve balls that keep coming my way.

Mood music:

Last year, before my father’s health went into its final descent, he asked me to help him with his unfinished business interests. Since his death, the task has been something close to a second full-time job.

I’m now in charge of cleaning up and selling the building that housed the family business. The work needed on the property is extensive and expensive. There are additional plots of land I’m responsible for selling, and there are accounts I have to manage responsibly — all while doing the best work I can in my real career as a writer in the information security industry. Work days are frequently interrupted with phone calls from lawyers, financial advisors, and real-estate people. And then there are bills to pay to keep the building standing.

Business is not my background and I never wanted this additional work. Life was already full and busy. I didn’t think I was up to the task because of my limited knowledge about real estate, investments and all the people that come with it. I was scared, frankly.

I was worried about mismanaging the family legacy. I was worried it would make me more absent as a father and husband. I was worried that my real job would suffer.

It’s still a major stress in my life and will be for years to come. But along the way something has happened: I’ve learned to carry the load and am even willing to contemplate the possibility that I’m getting good at this.

To my astonishment, I’ve still been able to give my real job 100 percent. And with the family business legacy tasks, I finally feel like I’m in full command. Though I want to punch my fist through walls many days, I’m glad I took this on. I’ve learned a ton, and the knowledge will be valuable going forward.

I think I’ve been able to do all this without neglecting my wife and kids. I certainly hope so. My faith has sustained me. Many awesome friends have helped me along, too. And the members of my household have been extremely patient. I’m grateful for that.

My coping tools have helped, though I admit there are days I forget to use them.

That’s how life works. Curve balls come our way and we either learn to catch them or get slammed in the face. I’ve taken a few blows to the head along the way, but I’m learning to play the game.

Brenner Party Store and Shoe Barn

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It’s Not What You Do for a Living, It’s How You Carry It Forward

Every job, no matter how lowly it seems, is an opportunity to learn something that’ll come in handy later in life.

The other day I was helping someone who wants to pursue a career in information security. He wasn’t sure if he should list some of his past jobs in his profiles because they don’t have anything to do with his preferred industry. I urged him to include everything.

Mood music:

He’s currently a barista at Starbucks. While it’s not an infosec job, it requires people skills, customer service prowess and an ability to juggle multiple tasks at once — all important qualities for anyone who wants to thrive in the security world.

Most jobs have something you can carry forward.

I learned about customer service working in a record store. I hated working in my father’s warehouse as a teenager, but it taught me a lot about how shipping and distribution works. Working for weekly newspapers had a lot of drawbacks. The pay sucked — really sucked — and I worked 80 hours a week. But I learned a lot about how government and politics work from all the meetings I covered and a lot about the court system from all the arraignments I was sent to. I also learned how to write a lot of stories quickly.

Had I not worked those jobs, I would not have had the success I’ve had in infosec. I wouldn’t be able to make sense of all the threat data I’m constantly writing about. I wouldn’t be able to juggle writing reports, threat advisories and blog posts. And I wouldn’t have been able to build the industry network I have today.

It was all worth it, even if it all seemed like thankless drudgery at the time.

So if you’re in a job you don’t think is a good fit, by all means strive toward something else. But don’t ignore the tools you can collect along the way.

Milton Stephen Root in Office Space

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You Call It Selfish, I Call It Survival

A friend once lamented that she tries to make everyone around her happy. She’s a self-described people pleaser, and it’s led to a world of hurt. She wanted to know how I got past it and was able to out myself. Here’s my attempt to answer the question.

Mood music:

I used to be a people pleaser. I probably still am to some extent. But nothing like how I used to be.

I wanted desperately to make every boss happy, and I did succeed for a while. But in doing so I damaged myself to the core and came within inches of an emotional breakdown.

It caused me to work 80 hours a week, waking up each morning scared to death that I would fall short or fail altogether.

No employee gets back 100 percent of what they put in to the corporate machine. Sure, you can make your direct bosses happy, but the folks many layers above them in the food chain still won’t know who you are or care that you work 80 hours a week.

I wanted to make every family member happy. It didn’t work, because you can never keep everyone happy when strong personalities clash. To this day, my relationship with some family members is on ice. Part of the problem is that I failed to keep them happy and take care of others I needed to be paying attention to. I reached a breaking point that has caused pain on all sides. I’m not happy about it, but it is what it is.

When did I reach the moment of truth? I don’t think there was one defining event. It was just a gradual realization that if I kept trying to please everyone, I wouldn’t be alive much longer. I would have had a complete breakdown and plunged into my addictions until they killed me with a heart attack or a blood clot to the brain.

It was a simple matter of survival.

If I’m trying to please every boss, friend or family member, I can’t be present for my wife and children. And I certainly can’t be present for God.

Of course, that realization doesn’t make it any easier to stop trying to please everyone. Even today, I’d much rather keep my bosses happy than piss them off. As for family, I’d still prefer we all get along.

Several things have made it easier not to try to please everyone:

  • Years of therapy have helped, because you’re forced to peel back every layer of every relationship by a trained professional who has no stake or relationship with the people in your life.
  • Prozac must have helped, because sometime in early 2007, when I first started taking the medicine, I stopped worrying about what my bosses would think of every move I made.
  • My former office mom, Anne Saita certainly taught me that it’s better to stand up to people then to live life on your knees.

I’ve found that the longer you go without being a people pleaser, the easier it gets. And then something else happens: Most of the people around you start liking you better when your nose isn’t cemented to their asses.

man's hands bound in chains

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To My New Nephew

The family has been blessed with a new addition: Hunter Wild Anderson, born Saturday to my step-brother Brian and sister-in-law Sharane.

Mood music:

[spotify:track:7q36HE7sjosbeD8AHoOjRL]

Hi, Hunter.

I’m you’re Uncle Bill, the one who’s going to show affection by teasing you a lot. I’ll do my best not to go too far. I listen to really loud, offensive music. I can’t wait to expose you to that.

Your cousins have been eagerly awaiting your arrival. Sean and Duncan, Lilly and Chase are going to love having you around. It won’t be long before you join them, racing around your grandparents’ condo, making forts out of the couch pillows and getting food on the floor.

You’re blessed with easygoing parents. Your mom knows how to laugh and make others laugh. Your dad has been through more than his fair share of adversity but has managed to stay positive and keep his humor. Together, your parents are a lot of fun. They’ll surely pass those traits on to you, and thank God for that.

Life is hard, and humor is one of the most important survival tools you can have. Your dad is also a professional chef. This makes you incredibly lucky, because high-end cooks are hard to come by in this family. You’ll figure that out the first time I cook something for you.

You have grandparents who will dote on you and love you unconditionally. You also have some fabulous aunts, uncles and cousins. Aunt Shira is one of the most serene and talented people I know. She’ll teach you how to dance and, when you’re being difficult as we all can be, she’ll respond with endless patience. Aunt Stacey, Uncle Sean and Lilly and Chase are very loving, generous souls, and that’s going to rub off on you, too. Aunt Wendi will give you a special appreciation for music and, along with Aunt Dee, will pass on a love of animals. Their house has enough dogs and cats to fill Noah’s Arc. You’ll enjoy that.

Life won’t be easy. You’ll go through plenty of ups and downs. But let me share a little secret with you: The key to getting through the down periods with your overall happiness intact is to simply recognize that life is supposed to be hard. It’s what helps us grow. And there’s no such thing as never having a care in the world. Some folks still reach for that state of mind, and they’re almost always crushed when reality fails to meet their expectations.

If you want, I can help you navigate through that stuff. I’ve developed some coping skills along the way. You’re going to screw up. Don’t worry about it. We all do. Screwing up makes us stronger when we’re willing to learn from our mistakes.

One more thing, my young friend: If you ever want to do something big in life and those around you tell you it can’t be done, ignore them. You can accomplish anything if you put your mind to it. That’s a cliché of a statement, but it’s the truth.

As I write this you’re only a couple days old. Sean, Duncan, Aunt Erin and I can’t wait to meet you.

You’re going to be great, kid. Welcome home.

—Uncle Bill
Hunter Wild Anderson

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What I Learned On My Summer Vacation

The headline is a bit misleading. The kids had the summer off, but Erin and I were as busy with work as ever. Still, we did a lot of summery stuff and, with the kids back in school next week, I thought a recap of our experiences and what I learned from them might be useful.

Mood music:

[spotify:track:4zzvMG8KrsykYtvFEJ99Cl]

We escaped to the coast three times for camping, using one of my father-in-law’s campers. We started local, in Salisbury, Mass., then went to Old Orchard Beach in Maine twice.

Camping was a learning experience for me. I wouldn’t have done it six years ago, when everything scared me, and I’d freak out over every mosquito bite and every speck of dirt. There’s a lot of dirt on your average campground. It turned out well, though. I described the mental health lessons in “Camping? Don’t Let Fear and Anxiety Ruin It for You.”

Duncan broke his arm — again. He and Sean were horsing around on my bed and, as the saying goes, shit happened. The damage was less than his previous break, and he was out of the cast after three weeks.

The day I took Duncan to get the cast off, we were told that because of a scheduling snafu he had to come back the next day. I talked them into doing it that day anyway, but we had to go from Waltham to Boston to get it done. The route was jammed with traffic. That would have melted my brain and sent me into a fit of rage in the past, but instead I kept calm, turned up the rock ’n’ roll and got it done.

Sean went away to Boy Scouts camp for a week, which was a mind-bending experience for all of us. It was weird having only Duncan around, but we made the best of it, and Sean had a good time at camp. We could tell because of the dirt on his legs, the debris in his hair and the smell wafting from his sleeping bag. A few years ago I would have been a panicked mess, worrying about him getting injured or worse when I wasn’t with him. But thanks to years of therapy and the boost provided by a couple of antidepressants, I got through the week just fine, and got some great one-on-one time with Duncan in the process.

Erin got a few days off here and there, but her writing and editing business kept humming along. She’s got a much better handle on the work-life balance than she had in the beginning, thanks in part to a great therapist, and we’re very proud of her.

Erin and I got in some good quality time this summer, too, seeing a couple plays and getting some alone time in Newburyport, Portsmouth and Gloucester. We’ve also been religious about taking evening walks together, which has become one of my favorite parts of the day. After 14 years of marriage, we decided earlier in the year to take stock in where we were at and improve upon the things that needed improving. Like any marriage, ours is a work in progress. But, boy, do I love the work.

As for me, I had an eventful trip to Las Vegas for a hacker conference, struggled a bit with my recovery program and got a renewed hunger for making music. Despite getting badgered by my addictive impulses, I’d say it’s been a good couple of months. I made it through Vegas without binging, and have at least realized that I have to get over my rebellious feelings toward OA and get back with the program.

Life will always have its ups and downs, but if you can learn from it and change for the better, it’s well worth it.

Bill & the Boys

Erin & the Boys