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The Dark Side of Mindfulness

Mindfulness has been important for my OCD and anxiety management. When used in the right amounts, the tools are immensely helpful. But mindfulness has a dark side, too.

Mood music:

Dawn Foster points out the dangers in a post she wrote for The Guardian that asks “is mindfulness making us ill?”

In the article, we hear from a 37-year-old woman named Claire, who started suffering from panic attacks and depression when she started taking a mindfulness course. The mindfulness training dregded up childhood traumas, which in turn sparked panic attacks and depression.

I didn’t start taking a mindfulness class until eight years after I began to tackle my demons. Had I taken the class at the beginning of the journey, I think I would have had the same reaction as Claire. Luckily, I had peeled back the onion layers of my past long beforehand, which saved me from a fresh deluge of bad memories.

As it was, the mindfulness class I took in 2012 was overwhelming in some spots and boring in others. The yoga and the role-playing games for conflict resolution bored me. I found that trying to spend blocks of time on mindful exercises each day was unworkable. If I was having a busy, stressful day, blocking off the 30-40 minutes for yoga and breathing exercises simply stressed me out more. The reason, I realized, was that the only remedy for the stress was to tackle the root challenges head on.

All in all, mindfulness training was good for me. I just had to find a way to integrate the techniques into my life. I learned to break things into smaller pieces. Instead of doing multiple exercises in large time blocks, I found that spending two minutes here and five minutes there worked better. Ten minutes of guitar playing helps to keep me in the moment. Breathing exercises in the car help me deal with the stress of traffic jams. These things have made a positive difference.

Some exercises I dispensed with entirely. The whole business about chewing your food slowly and silently, pondering the taste and texture with each chew? That did nothing for me.

When we’re desperate to fix ourselves, we look for a silver bullet. Maybe it’s a new workout craze or a mindfulness training course. In my experience, however, the bite-sized techniques always work better. When broken into pieces, the effect is less overwhelming. But I’ve also learned that there is no silver bullet.

If someone pitches mindfulness classes as a useful tool in a bigger toolbox, great.

But if they tell you they’re THE SOLUTION, walk away.

Savage Namaste by Eddie Mize, 2009
Savage Namaste
by Eddie Mize, 2009
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Using Mental Illness to Get Attention

I came across an interesting article on the AG News site listing 10 traits of someone who uses mental illness to get attention. A couple years ago it would have offended the hell out of me. But knowing myself as I do today, I see a lot of truth in there.

Mood music:

https://youtu.be/WEus6w9UlG0

People with big egos often think of themselves as supremely awesome and interesting, even when they’re not. As I’ve said before, we OCD cases have big egos. Of all the mental disorders out there, it’s probably the one that is most connected to attention seeking. (See “The Ego OCD Built.”)

As part of my recovery — and my larger faith journey — I’ve had to deal with this issue head on. It’s the most unsettling of truths: my mental disorder comes with a hole in the soul. Like anyone with this problem, I’ve tried to fill the hole over the years with addictive behavior.

In recent years, social media has become as addictive as coke and heroin. It’s so easy for people to spout off and get attention on Facebook and Twitter that once they get the ball rolling, it’s hard to stop. I’m as guilty of this as anyone.

By 2011, a lot of my writing was to get attention. Two years earlier everyone told me how brave I was for being so open about my mental illness, and that was as satisfying as any fix. I had to keep it going. People occasionally called me on it, but just as many people kept giving me the validation I wanted.

I started to realize that this wasn’t necessarily healthy. I started writing posts that explored whether or not I was a narcissist, and I had to admit there was definitely some of that in play.

Was I faking mental illness? Absolutely not. Was I using it as a crutch and tool of validation? To an extent, yes.

Fast-forward to 2016. I don’t write nearly as many posts here as I used to. Some of that is because I don’t have as much to say as I used to. Some of it is because my work-related writing responsibilities have grown. And some of it has been a deliberate effort to pull back and not be such a social media hog.

That last point is part of a larger realization: that while it’s healthy to talk about my mental illness, especially when it comes to sharing the coping tools that have helped me, it’s only part of who I am.

I don’t want to let my mental challenges define me. I don’t want to be the guy who uses them as an excuse when I screw up or fall short of a goal.

I’m glad more people are opening up about their own mental illness. When done right, it can inspire others to deal with their own issues.

But if you find yourself getting bummed out because people aren’t lining up to tell you how awesome you are, it may be a sign that you’re doing it wrong.

Looking Glass Skull

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Emily Dickinson: Proof You Can Be a Happy Recluse?

Much has been written about the reclusive later years of poet Emily Dickinson. Eventually she rarely left her room, where she sat and wrote thousands of poems that didn’t see publication until years after her death.

Mood music:

https://youtu.be/bV-dWhYklqE

During a tour of her house last week, people in the group speculated on why she wouldn’t leave the house in those years. Did she suffer a mental affliction or phobia? Probably.

But whenever I look at her life, I’m struck by the fact that, despite the likelihood of mental illness, she stayed sharp, stayed creative and seemed happy.

No one will ever be able to tell us what went through her mind in those years. She shared herself in her poetry, to be sure. She wrote a lot about death, no doubt about that. One of her most famous lines was, after all, “Because I could not stop for Death — / He kindly stopped for me.”

But by most accounts, she wasn’t depressed or crazed. She didn’t live in darkness. The first thing that strikes you when seeing her room is that she had huge windows that bathe the room in light and offer spectacular views. In her day, before all the structures and foliage that’s there now, she had a view that likely stretched for miles.

She reveled in the nature right outside her windows. She wrote about adventures had by animals, birds and insects. Each blade of grass was a wilderness:

Fame is a bee.
It has a song—
It has a sting—
Ah, too, it has a wing.

I don’t profess to have any definitive answers on her state of mind. How would I know, anyway?

Reclusiveness is rarely seen as healthy. I know that if I don’t frequently see something of the world, I start to go bananas. I also know that there were times in my teens and 20s when I’d retreat to my room for long periods, and I was not in a good mental state.

But if the stuff that came off of Emily’s pen was any indication, home was all she needed.

Portrait of Emily Dickinson

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The OCD Diaries in the News (UPDATED)

Update: Here’s an audio interview I did for the Standard Deviant Podcast a couple weeks ago…
Episode #1 – Bill Brenner on security journalism, airplane hacking, OCD and heavy metal

“Bill Brenner: 3 Books that Changed My Life“: By Jennifer Minella — In this series, I asked infosec professionals to name 3 books that changed their life. This entry includes picks from journalist, writer and podcaster Bill Brenner.

“In the Right Frame of Mind“: Man’s blog shares mental illness struggles, supports others.

“Man Showed Strength in Sharing Mental Illness Story“: Kudos to Brenner for opening up about his mental illness. He is brave indeed — and the community is all the better for it.

“Magic and Loss: A Conversation with ‘OCD Diaries’ Author Bill Brenner“: Bill Brenner writes one of the most well-regarded OCD blogs on the web. In this podcast episode, Bill takes us on his journey through OCD, overeating, and a 12-step recovery program. Also discussed: Traci Foust, Lou Reed, Jim Morrison, and finding the most interesting parts of ourselves within the pain.

“How Mental Illness Makes Some Executives Stronger“: Today, from the standpoint of removing the stigma and increasing the positive communication around these issues, I’d like to take a look at some of the admirable individuals who are facing mental health diagnoses with exceptional courage, as well as looking at a few well-known entrepreneurs who’ve learned to work with their unique “disorders” in a way that has helped to propel their success.

The OCD Diaries Header

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RIP to Haverhill’s “Crazy Mike”

I’m sad to report that the man known around Haverhill as “Crazy Mike” has died. He was found in some bushes along the Main Street side of Pentucket Bank’s Merrimack Street branch Monday morning.

Police aren’t confirming his identity pending an investigation, but yesterday I touched base with his brother, who confirmed it was him.

Mood music:

I connected with his brother on Facebook a couple years ago, after I wrote some posts criticizing some fellow Haverhill residents for making fun of a mentally ill man. People called him Crazy Mike because as he wandered the streets, he was given to outbursts. But few truly understood or knew him beyond that. Some jerks created a Facebook page dedicated to making fun of the man, whose real name was Michael Nicoloro.

Fortunately, it was taken down after a wave of complaints.

There’s been a lot of debate and speculation regarding Mike’s mental state and how he got that way. Some say it was from his experiences while serving in Vietnam. Others claimed that he’s not a veteran and that he simply chose to live the way he did.

His relatives have confirmed that he was in Vietnam and that he came back with the scars of war. I’m more inclined to believe his relatives than some of the jerks who have written me to dispute the history.

Mike was mentally ill. Regardless of how he got that way, it was sad to see people make fun of him.

In fairness, I think the jerks were a minority. I’ve gotten an avalanche of comments from readers since I started writing about him, and the vast majority of them defended Mike. This one is a good example:

RIP Michael… Thank you for your military service to our country. It’s a shame you were so misunderstood. It’s a shame so many ignorant people know nothing of mental illness. Walk a mile in his shoes folks. Yes he frightened some people but he could not help himself. He was ill. I hope none of you who judge him so harshly ever have to know the confusion, fear & scorn he must have felt all these years. He joined the military a handsome intelligent sane young man & returned a different man. Mental illness is thought to be a biochemical imbalance that causes structural & electrical changes in the brain. Extreme stress can trigger it or contribute to its severity. Why is it so hard for people to empathize?

In announcing Mike’s death, his brother posted a photo on Facebook that should put questions about the man’s military service to rest. It shows a young, strong man in uniform with a look of determination.

I think it’s the best way to remember him.

Michael Nicoloro

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I Can Be Hell on the Marriage

Erin and I have a strong marriage. But every marriage requires constant work, and ours is no exception. That work often requires me to look in the mirror.

Mood music:

http://youtu.be/E7xUZkKd58c

For Erin, it means seeing my bad days for what they are and helping me work through them. For me, it means doubling down and fighting back the demons that make me difficult to live with sometimes.

Having experienced all this, an article in Communication Monographs caught our interest. It explores depression and the uncertainty it can cause for couples.

Depression is a chronic condition for me, so it certainly applies.

The article notes that depressed people withdraw from negative situations or social challenges. Feelings of futility and inhibition come into play. Couples where one or both partners experience depression try to preserve the relationship by avoiding conflict.

“This behavior is detrimental to relationships, causing lack of problem resolution, missed bonding opportunities, lack of closeness and questions over commitment,” the article says.

From my perspective, it’s true.

I used to carry around a deep fear of loss that made me avoid painful, truthful conversations we needed. I feared Erin would run out of patience and kick me out.

When we argued, I clammed up. Eventually a wall rose up between us. A few years ago we decided to go to marriage counseling and work through it. The experience drove home that I needed to speak my mind and be honest about my feelings — and that I needed to be a better listener.

It was one of the hardest things I’ve done. That new side of me was no fun for Erin, either. But it was a huge step forward.

My demons have made me less than honest in the past, especially when my addictions were running wild. When you lie, you’re essentially taking a hammer to the trust you build as a couple. It takes a long time to build it back up. Sometimes, the trust never comes back.

I’ve worked damn hard not to let my issues take us there. I’d like to think I’m better than I used to be.

Meanwhile, we’ve developed routines to keep our marriage strong despite the challenges:

  • Once or twice a month, we have date nights. Date nights are critical. If we don’t occasionally focus just on each other, we can lose that original spark.
  • Most days, we stop after work and share the experiences of our day. When the weather cooperates, we do this during walks.
  • We try to never go to bed angry. If the day ends and we have a disagreement, we discuss. It’s not always pretty, but it’s necessary. As an extension of that:
  • We always try to argue well. We don’t call each other names. We don’t threaten each other. We work through things.

We love each other and have found the struggle worth it. We know the struggle is never over.

We know my depression will always be a threat and we must confront it as a couple.

Heartsign, by EddieTheYeti
“Heartsign” by EddieTheYeti
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If People Treated Physical Illness Like Mental Illness

The cartoon below, posted on the Robot Hugs website, nails the misperception some people have about mental illness.

For those lucky enough to be free of mental illness, it can be impossible to understand how the depressed mind works. That leads to a lot of unhelpful advice and opining about how the mentally ill should just get off their asses and stop feeling sorry for themselves.

Maybe this will lead to better understanding.

Helpful Advice for Physical Illnesses

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Pain Leaks from Mind to Body

Mental illness can lead to physical sickness. It’s a simple fact that some people find hard to believe.

Mood music:

I often hear people arguing over whether this person’s or that person’s aches and pains are “all in their head.” You know the type: There’s never any real underlying disease, but they’re always calling out of work with a headache or some intestinal discomfort.

It’s all in their head, you say?

Well, yeah.

It’s called psychosomatic illness, when mental anguish leads to physical sickness.

I’ve been there. Migraines. Brutal back pain. A stomach turned inside-out.

But it wasn’t always clear that what ailed me was in my head. As a child I was sick a lot with Crohn’s Disease, and that confused matters later on.

To throw the Crohn’s Disease into remission, doctors used the maximum dose of Prednisone, which caused migraines. You can read more about that in “The Bad Pill Kept Me from the Good Pill,” but the bottom line is that these headaches came daily and always made me sick to my stomach.

Later in life, I developed severe back pain, the kind that would knock me onto the couch and keep me there for weeks.

In the last month, I’ve gotten an unwanted refresher course in what all that was like. I wrecked my back and was prescribed Prednisone for my troubles. The mood swings and depression I remembered returned. Thankfully, I’ve turned that corner.

The earlier examples were all legitimate physical problems. But at some point my brain lost the ability to differentiate a real Chrohn’s flare-up or back spasm from an imagined one.

When the mind thinks the body has suffered a trauma, it has a habit of becoming real.

Doctors always warned me that mental stress could trigger Crohn’s flare-ups, and I guess it did, especially when my parents divorced. I’m fairly sure my brother’s death set off the last real flare-up in 1986.

The migraines and back problems, meanwhile, seeped seamlessly into the things that were going wrong with me mentally.

Anxiety attacks felt essentially the same as a heart attack, complete with the pain shooting from the chest to the neck and down the arms. Migraines followed. Work stress often sparked migraines and back pain.

While it was difficult to separate other legitimate physical problems from those stemming from mental distress, I can tell you that dealing with my underlying OCD, depression and anxiety made a lot of ailments mostly go away.

When you deal with what’s in your head, the pain in the rest of your body can be eased and even eradicated.

Psychosomatic illness still visits me on occasion. But it’s much better than the old life of perpetual pain.

black and white picture of a bald man with his face in his hands

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SecBurnout: Much Ado About Nothing?

At the SOURCE Boston security conference yesterday, I ran a session with former colleague and friend Josh Corman on the topic of security burnout. It’s an issue I’m increasingly dedicated to, given my own history with mental illness and high-profile deaths in the community.

When I think of the suicide of Aaron Swartz and the accidental overdose of Barnaby Jack, something in me screams out to act. I’m also inspired by the efforts of people like Amber Baldet and Akamai colleague Christian Ternus and want to help.

But some think this effort is a curious sideshow.

Mood music:

After reading about the session, one infosec practitioner took to Twitter and asked, “How many of us have lost it and started shooting up a place?”

It’s true there hasn’t been an explosion of people in the industry losing it and gunning down a bunch of co-workers. Therefore, he feels, the problem isn’t worth the efforts some of us have embarked upon. He added, “Something is wrong, alright. But let’s not make a big deal here.”

My skeptical friend isn’t the only one to make these points. Others have pointed out that the SecBurnout effort is a waste of time because antisocial, caustic behavior is a staple of the profession. Nobody will change those people, nor should anyone try to.

Those who can’t handle it simply need to grow a set of balls or go do some other kind of work.

I agree with that — to a point.

As Corman noted yesterday, this effort isn’t going to “cure cancer.” We can’t tell people how to think, and we don’t want to. We’re advocating more kindness and civility in the profession, but we know the more negative elements will always be there.

Also true is that you can’t cure things like depression, bipolar disorder and OCD. We can learn to manage these things better, however, and keep them from controlling us.

But all that is beside the point of SecBurnout and similar efforts.

We don’t expect to change the world. We do believe it’s worth trying to suggest a better approach. If we can inspire just a few security shops to adopt a more humane environment that inspires people instead of crushing them — and if that leads to fewer cases of depression and suicide — it will be worth it.

Maybe this isn’t a big deal to you. If that’s the case, congratulations for staying above it all. But if you or your friends and colleagues are casualties of burnout, it’s a big deal.

I do see progress. When I was stuck in the deepest depths earlier in my career, you simply didn’t talk about this stuff. It was a sign of weakness and could get you fired.

That’s not as true today. I and many others are talking openly about our demons, and it’s making a difference. As a community we’ve recognized there’s a problem. Amber Baldet took it a step further by sharing suicide intervention techniques.

The next step is to attack the conditions that fuel depression in the first place, to tear at the roots of the problem so fewer people reach the point where they need an intervention.

And so we press on.

lighting a row matches

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Proof That Mental Illness Needn’t Be A Career Killer

A few months back, I was interviewed for a Forbes article on people who turned their mental illnesses into a career strength. I’m happy to discover there are more success stories to share.

Mood music:

A good friend forwarded me “Why I Hired an Executive with a Mental Illness” by Rob Lachenauer, CEO and a co-founder of Banyan Family Business Advisors. Lachenauer describes hiring someone after a job interview in which the candidate came right out and told him she had a mental illness and was on medication. He writes:

My reaction to the candidate’s disclosure was, frankly, disbelief — disbelief that she found the courage to make herself so vulnerable before she was hired. She had to be interviewed by other members of the firm before I could invite her to join us, but we did hire her — and over the past few years, she has become not only a core member of our team, but a large part of the glue that holds the firm together.

He correctly points out that while The Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990 prevents employers from discriminating against people who have a mental illness, the discrimination still happens a lot. In fact, he notes, when he told a former VP of a major investment banking firm about his column, he warned him against publishing it. “Clients are afraid to work with firms that have mentally ill people on the professional staff,” the former VP told him.

I’m glad that didn’t stop Lachenauer from running with it, and I’m grateful he gave that job applicant a chance to prove herself.

I outed myself when I was already comfortably entrenched in my job, having proven myself a thousand times over. I still felt I was taking a risk by starting this blog, but my bosses and colleagues turned out to be very supportive.

By the time I interviewed for my current job, the blog was already well known in the industry. My current boss had been reading my work by that point, and my continued blogging about life with OCD, depression and anxiety was not an item up for debate.

I’ve been fortunate, and I’m happy to see, through stories like Lachenauer’s, that the needle continues to move in the right direction.

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