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Tools to Fight Your Demons at #Defcon, #BlackHat and More

This isn’t a post about how I think you should behave at DEF CON. I’ve already said my bit about the drama aspect and shared my experiences being a sober guy at security cons. This isn’t an anti-drinking tirade or a lecture about the treatment of women at these events.

It IS a resource for those who have demons they’d like to control during our so-called Security Summer Camp.

Mood music:

http://youtu.be/P2zgjIGaIo4

There’s been some talk about hackers holding Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings during DEF CON. One thing I’ve heard is that some folks have requested that a room be scheduled and set aside twice a day for an hour at a time — once in the morning and once later in the day — for sobriety meetings. I think it’s a great idea. But those looking for a meeting already have plenty of choices. AA meetings are everywhere, every day in just about every city. Check out this list of meeting days, times and locations along the Vegas Strip.

If you’re like me and compulsive binge eating is a problem, there are also plenty of Overeaters Anonymous (OA) meetings not far from where we’ll be. Las Vegas OA has a list.

A long-time conference issue is how women are treated. If you’re new to the event and are concerned about that, my good friend Erin Jacobs (@SecBarbie) has been running a buddy system for at least a couple years.

On her Security Socialility blog she writes:

If you are or you know someone, especially (but not only) female, who is new to the conferences or might need a friendly hand, give them this number:

+1-650-4-BACKUP

I have setup this to contact me via voice and text during the conference so I can help assist people who find themselves uncomfortable, need a friend to talk to about something that happened, are in a situation that is turning bad that need some assistance, or need some first-time attendee guidance. Anyone who reaches out will have their information kept confidential and not shared unless the individual wishes for me to speak on their behalf. If for some reason I can’t get to you personally, I will respond with a trusted helping hand to help you as much as possible.

If you’re new to all this, have no fear. The security community is a family. Drunk or sober, we look out for each other.

I’ve gotten nothing but support from the community as I’ve worked to manage my own addictions. But that’s only one piece of the puzzle. Ultimately, we have a responsibility to take care of ourselves.

Personal demons are not a product of the security community. They’re a product of being human. We all need help. But we have to help ourselves, too.

The weapons to fight your demons are all around you, no matter where you travel. You just have to use them.

DEFCON 22 Logo

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A New Food Plan, A New World

For five years, I’ve been living off the same exact food plan. Four ounces of protein, three ounces of grain or starch, 10 ounces of vegetable. It served me well most of the time, but in the past year my nutritional needs have changed and sticking to the old plan made a mess of me.

Tuesday, I went to see a new nutritionist, and my diet is now changed in a massive way.

Mood music:

[spotify:track:2ai4gvweieDChqwOFMgZYQ]

Revamping the food plan has become an essential piece of my getting back on the path to OA recovery, and just one day of it has me feeling much better.

The first thing we did was dial back on the vegetables. Ten ounces had become too much to stomach. We cut the amount in half. But the biggest change is that this plan calls for more variety, an afternoon snack and dessert. The last item is in keeping with the no-flour, no-sugar mindset and will consist of things like fruit puddings.

Here’s what my food diary looked like yesterday. As I get the hang of this, I’ll start running some recipes you might find useful (click on image for larger view):Food Diary for April 24, 2013

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Return From the Overeaters Anonymous Wilderness

Last summer I wrote a post about being lost in the Overeaters Anonymous wilderness, filled with discontent and a fair amount of self-righteousness. I have no regrets. We all need to step back from time to time and reevaluate pieces of our lives. Now that I’ve done that, I’ve decided to return from the wilderness.

Mood music:

[spotify:track:4K2Tu79vpqrLNyDVtCvBNR]

I’ve made peace with what I see as the program’s imperfections, and I’ve gained the wisdom to understand that it’s not about the egos who show up and periodically annoy me (as I’m sure I’ve annoyed others). It’s not all about simply abstaining from binging, either, though controlling the food is certainly of vital importance.

The biggest reason I’ve returned is that I need the 12 steps of recovery to help me keep my head screwed on properly. A couple of weeks ago, I got a new sponsor. Yesterday, I attended my first OA meeting in a long time.

Related content: Resources for those with eating disorders

I’ve mostly stuck with the food plan a previous sponsor helped me carve out when I first decided to tackle this monster in 2008, but it’s becoming clear that the plan needs some major adjustments. To fix that, I’m going to see a nutritionist.

In recent weeks I’ve felt adrift, more inclined to enter a stupor over things I can’t control. I forgot that I have to put my trust in God.

Break time is over.

Overeaters Anonymous Medallions

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Lost in the Overeaters Anonymous Wilderness

I’ve explained how food is my addiction — an uncool addiction at that. I’ve written about how Overeaters Anonymous (OA) was my salvation from that addiction. And I’ve told you I’ve been living the 12 Steps of Recovery.

Now it’s time to tell you about my summer of going astray, and how I don’t completely regret it.

Mood music:

[spotify:track:63kyrMgKo0M0qvrDVtD4yN]

I’ve kept my eating clean most of the time, though I’ve gotten sloppy in spots. I’ve eaten many meals outside the home and away from the little scale I use to weigh out my portions. I’m sure some of those meals have exceeded the limit I’m supposed to be living by. Meanwhile, all the vegetables in my diet have left my Crohn’s Disease–scarred insides irritable.

My bigger failure, though, is that I haven’t gone to an OA meeting or spoken to my sponsor in months. For all I know, he decided he was no longer my sponsor a long time ago.

This turn of events isn’t about laziness and a broken will. It’s about discontent.

A while ago, I started to get annoyed by parts of the program. I didn’t feel like I was getting much use from calling a sponsor every day at the same time. That’s probably because I wasn’t being honest about the number of meetings I was attending or what I was eating. I was eating cleanly, but not according to the exact menu I gave the sponsor each morning. That’s technically a no-no.

I got sick of the meetings because it would be the same people saying the same things, over and over.

It started to feel like a cult to me. So I rebelled.

I’ve thought about calling my sponsor and asking for another chance, but I never get around to it. Part of me doesn’t want the second chance. Sponsorship is an important tool of recovery, a guide to coach you along and get you past moments of weakness. But some sponsors seem to let their role go to their heads and demand a lot more control over your life than they should be entitled to. Or so I’ve told myself.

And OA has its fiefdoms, just like any other group. There are the newbies, the people who can’t get it together, and the gurus who seem to have figured it all out. Or so I’ve told myself.

You know how it is when you’re frustrated with something: You zero in on all the negative elements and develop memory loss when it comes to all the things that worked.

So here I am, frustrated. But I’m also making excuses not to do the things I really need to be doing for real recovery. Maybe that’s really what this post is about — coming clean about my sins and resolving to get over myself and get my program back on track.

I don’t totally regret any of this. Four years after attending my first OA meeting and trying to do the program exactly as instructed by others, I’m still in a much better place than when I was sneaking around every day binging on everything in sight. Life is good. I’ve simply reached a point where my program needs a big overhaul.

Maybe I’ll call the sponsor today.

Food Coma