The OCD Diaries

May 23, 2013

Five Things That Overwhelm Me

Though I got rid of the fear-based anxiety that kept me indoors and afraid of everything, I still have moments when I get overwhelmed.

Mood music:

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Call it sensory overload or severe impatience, if you will. Or perhaps the latter two are mere byproducts of the first. Here are some examples:

Long lines. Whether it’s waiting for a seat in a restaurant, for entry into a movie theater or for boarding a boat, long lines make me crazy inside.
Traffic. When the highway becomes a parking lot, I feel claustrophobic. It’s worse when I’m surrounding by a lot of trucks, because they make it difficult to see what’s happening farther up the road.
Housework. When there’s a lot of cleaning and fixing to do around the house, my brainwaves get scrambled and it becomes difficult to put the tasks in an order that makes sense. So I dart all over the place doing things haphazardly.
Listening to long-winded people. This one seems mean, and I don’t mean for it to be. But when a person corners me for what turns into a long, long story, I start to scream inside. It makes me feel trapped and I feel like the rest of the world is passing me by.
Long meetings. I’ll be honest and tell you that business meetings have never been a favorite of mine. True, they are necessary, but it always feels like I could be getting 10 other things done during that time. What really rattles me is when a meeting goes longer than scheduled. I start to fidget in my seat and lose the ability to hear anything anyone is saying.

Now you’re probably asking yourself, “What does he do about all this?” The answer is not much. These are all things that are part of life. Avoiding them would mean I wouldn’t be living mine. I’d be a recluse, never achieving anything and missing out on a lot of good stuff.

So I put on my game face and trudge on.

May 13, 2013April 2, 2015

The Burden of Being Upright

A couple facts about the last few months: I made it through the winter more mentally intact than I have in a long time. I also went through a lot of uncertainty over the future of my career, which exhausted me enough to behave in spring as I normally do in winter: scattered, aloof and depressed.

Things have actually turned out well. I got the job I coveted the most after fielding a couple other opportunities. It feels good knowing the opportunities found me when I wasn’t actively looking for a change. And I’d like to think that of late I’ve carried on with good humor.

But this weekend it became apparent to me that I’m having trouble connecting all the dots. It almost exclusively manifests itself at home, where I push around trying to do so many things at once that I create bigger messes than what I started with. I get overwhelmed, which makes me irritable and unable to listen to people as closely as I should.

It leads to me making stupid mistakes with the family finances and screwing up carefully made schedules because I forget certain details.

It pisses me off, because the realization usually smacks me in the face out of nowhere, usually after a period of time where I think I’ve been doing pretty good managing life.

You think you’re fixed. But you never really are. The good and bad come in cycles. I’m fine with that. I just wish I had an early-warning system in my brain that could go off before things go too far.

This isn’t a post about self-loathing. In the big picture, I like who I am. It’s not a post about feeling sorry for myself, either. When I see myself sliding off track, saying so here forces me to right the ship.

Sometime, I admit, I get tired of revisiting that challenge. Trouble is, it’s a challenge that’s always going to be there.

You don’t become a good person and stay that way. It takes constant work.

So off I go, fixing things again.

June 29, 2012

Financial Fear and Anxiety? Try This Four-Step Exercise

An old friend is racked with fear and anxiety. A clinical OCD case like me, he obsesses about the family budget, which he recently took over. He’s obsessed about everything that could go wrong with him in control. I know exactly what he’s going through.

Mood music:

[spotify:track:0vIvLrpvGepwfvmUK7i66J]

Early in our marriage, Erin was chief budget keeper and bill payer. She insisted I try doing the bills so that I could get a better sense of what I was spending and how it fed into the bigger picture. I was scared shitless, and I made mistakes. I dreaded every morning.

Erin and I now have a system where I handle the finances for six months, then she does six months. She remains a far better budget keeper than me, but I have learned to pay the bills on time most of the time. Progress is progress.

The treatment I’ve had to bring my OCD under control was a big factor in my progress. I still have daily OCD moments, but the fear and anxiety are gone.

Which brings me to a little exercise worth trying in fearful moments. This is mainly directed toward my friend and people in our mental situation. If you really are living in poverty and it’s not all in your head as it is for us, this won’t change things. But if you’re like us, maybe this will help.

Remember that most people struggle with money. Even if you’re filthy rich, you struggle to manage all the money coming in and going out. If you’re middle class or lower, there’s never enough money. The budget is always out of alignment because life happens. Cars break down unexpectedly. Water heaters die at the most inconvenient time. Your situation is unremarkable. Remembering that will at least give you the comfort of not being alone.
Ask yourself, what’s the worst that can happen? So you discover that you forgot to make the monthly car payment. What’s the worst that can happen? Will your car get repossessed? Unlikely, since you pay on time most of the time. You just fix the mistake by paying up and move on. Will you end up homeless because money is tight? You haven’t been tossed out up to this point and you’re financial situation is basically the same as always, so I doubt it. When we ask what’s the worst that can happen, we find that the worst isn’t so bad.
Seek out people smarter than you. Worried that you don’t have enough to pay every bill on time and having trouble prioritizing? Get help. Find the smartest financial brain in the family and get their advice. They can help you prioritize and make the best of what you have to work with. Read up on finance basics (Erin recommends Get a Financial Life, a book she worked on.) Get a financial adviser to guide you along. We have an adviser, and he’s been very helpful when it comes to assessing the full financial picture and how to work with what you have. If you keep your concerns inside and don’t get help, you’re setting yourself up for trouble.
Appreciate what you have. Money troubles may persist, but if you stop to remember what you have, things look a lot better. Your family still loves you. You still have your health and the ability to make positive changes in your life. Remember those things, take a deep breath and get back to the task.