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Surviving the Persistence of Time

Here I am at another birthday. I’ve been telling people I couldn’t care less this year. It’s been a rough summer with too much upheaval, too much grief. There’s not much to celebrate. But the truth is, I’m grateful to be here.

Mood music:

That I’m now in my mid 40s is surprising — in my mind, at least.

When I was sick with Crohn’s Disease as a kid, I lost a lot of blood and developed several side ailments. When the OCD was burning out of control, I often felt I’d die young. I had a fatalistic view of things and just assumed I wasn’t long for this world and I didn’t care. I certainly did a lot to help the dying process along.

I also had a strange fear of current events and was convinced at one point that the world would burn in a nuclear holocaust before I hit 30.

When I was a prisoner to fear and anxiety, I really didn’t want to live long. I isolated myself.  I spent much of my 30s on the couch with a shattered back, escaping through TV. I was breathing, but I was as good as dead some of the time.

Despite all that, I’m still here. And while it’s been a rough year, particularly since March, I’m grateful. I’m grateful for my wife, my children and my career.

I’m grateful for my faith, which has certainly helped me. I’m grateful for the army of friends and extended family that has been there in times good and bad. And I’m grateful for the good luck I’ve had.

With that in mind, celebrating might be appropriate after all. I think I’ll give it a try.

Persistence of Time by Salvador Dali
“Persistence of Time,” by Salvador Dali
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Want Cheese With That Whine?

A few weeks back, a reader suggested that I whine a lot. She said I’m badly depressed and need more help than I’m getting.

She’s not the first person to misunderstand the purpose of this blog.

Mood music:

For those who don’t know by now, I started this blog because writing is powerful therapy. When you type out your feelings on paper or in a forum like this, it’s very freeing. You don’t keep stuff inside and you can move ahead more easily.

I decided to go public with my struggles because, for me, bringing my problems to light would make them smaller and weaker — and easier to manage.

I also did it because I know most people suffer with their own issues and live in greater pain because it’s the sinister secret in their closet. I figured that if I came clean about my own frailties of character and more medically based struggles, people who live in the closet would at least know that they don’t have to be alone and that they can get to a better place. A lot of people have told me this blog helps them. So I keep writing, even when I don’t feel like it.

I write frankly about my challenges. But I accept those challenges and have found happiness all the same. If you think that’s whining, you’re badly confused.

Fortunately, there’s a remedy for you: You can stop reading this blog and erase it from your mind. If you stay despite getting nothing from it, perhaps you’re the one in need of more help.

Middle Finger Mushroom Cloud

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Knowing You’re a Punk is the First Step in the Cure

I was an absolute punk this morning. I was incensed over tech problems, dropping F-bombs and punching the desk with my fist.

Mood music:

It’s a typical problem for someone with clinical OCD. You want to control everything, though you know it’s impossible.

In mid-rage, I learned a friend had just lost a sibling.

Rage turned to guilt.

I’m no special case. We all lose our patience from time to time and act like spoiled brats. More often than not, it’s over little things, like missing a favorite TV show or getting stuck in traffic. It’s much easier to blow up than to be stoic when things don’t go our way.

The news I received this morning in the middle of my tantrum just goes to show that someone else always has it worse. I know what it’s like to lose a sibling, and I truly feel for my friend and pray for his family. I needed a hard slap of perspective this morning, but I wish the lesson came from someplace else.

Appreciate what you have. Hug those around you, and don’t sweat the little things. If you fail at any of these, just try again.

I’ll work at following my own advice.

Perspective-is-everything