The OCD Diaries

September 25, 2015September 25, 2015

See a Grown Man Cry

People are making fun of U.S. House Speaker John Boehner because of his penchant for crying. He did it yesterday during Pope Francis’ visit, and today when he announced plans to retire. But I think his public displays of emotion are courageous.

A lot of guys suck at crying. I’m no exception. I’ve always envied men who can do it in public.

Mood music:

I’ve never been the weepy type. To do so, in my mind, meant being weak. Tears meant embarrassment. Tears are for girls, I always told myself. I opted for the stiff upper lip during times of pain and trauma.

To this day I can be an emotionally closed-off person. I probably get it from my father. He was one of the most loving guys I knew, but he always had a tough time showing his emotion. I saw him cry once in the last 45 years: when my brother died.

When my brother died, I pretended to cry. Crying was expected in a situation like that. I made the crying noises. I made myself tremble. But it was an act. I felt the same degree of pain as everyone else over what happened, but the storm swirled deep inside me instead of on the surface.

It was the same when my best friend died. That one hit me like a bullet to the chest and fueled some of my most self-destructive, angry behavior in the years to come. But I never actually cried. That’s probably part of the reason I acted out in those other, uglier ways. The day he died, I remember going to his parents’ house, two doors down from where I grew up. I sat at their dining room table, wide eyed. I was trying to make myself cry. But it didn’t happen.

I have been able to let the tears loose a couple times. Both times, it was because I had done something to hurt my wife. Only she got to see it, though, and I walked around embarrassed for days after.

One year, I was on team for a men’s Cursillo weekend. I won’t tell you what was said there, but when people start exploring their faith and where they have been in life, a lot of sobbing results. I saw a lot of tough guys cry.

Twice that weekend I came close. But it didn’t come.

The idea of it still strikes me as too unmanly.

But I think the inability to cry has helped fuel some of my worst moments as a human being. I took my pain out on other people and I tried very hard to destroy myself.

Luckily, I had people around me who loved me enough to put up with it and, ultimately, give me the help I needed.

So one of the things on my to-do list is learning to let the tears out.

When I have a breakthrough, I’ll let you know.

Or, maybe I won’t.

Meantime, cut Mr. Speaker some slack.

John Boehner Crying

June 25, 2013

I Like This Pope

As a Catholic who has rebelled against the political structure of the Church, I gotta say this new Pope is giving me a lot of hope. Francis is turning out to be a rebel in his own right, shunning the trappings of power and putting the focus squarely back on Jesus, where it belongs.

Mood music:

The latest example: Pope Francis skipped a concert over the weekend where he was to be the guest of honor. On the surface, some could see it as a snub, the act of an ungrateful person. But cut through all that and the message he was sending is clear: He’s going to focus on the people’s business, not spend his hours drinking in all the pomp and opulence the Church likes to bathe itself in.

Here’s how Reuters descrbed the no-show:

Minutes before the concert was due to start, an archbishop told the crowd of cardinals and Italian dignitaries that an “urgent commitment that cannot be postponed” would prevent Francis from attending.

The prelates, assured that health was not the reason for the no-show, looked disoriented, realizing that the message he wanted to send was that, with the Church in crisis, he — and perhaps they — had too much pastoral work to do to attend social events. …

The day before the concert, Francis said bishops should be “close to the people” and not have “the mentality of a prince.”

It’s also worth noting that since his election on March 13, Francis hasn’t spent a single night in the papal apartments, which is known for its grandeur. Instead, he sleeps “in a small suite in a busy Vatican guest house,” according to Reuters, “where he takes most meals in a communal dining room.”

The Reuters story notes how the bishops were left disoriented by the no-show, with one Vatican source saying, “We are still in a period of growing pains. He is still learning how to be pope and we are still learning how he wants to do it.”

The Vatican may indeed be struggling to learn how Francis wants to do things. But I think he sent them a clear message. As for Francis learning to be Pope, I think he’s got it figured out. It’s just not the way the old, complacent power structure wants it. My prayer is that they will learn and fall in line.

A lot of evil has attached itself to the Catholic Church over the years, and I’ve struggled to stay faithful. I do so by always remembering that my beliefs are centered on Jesus and how he gave sinners like me another chance to get things right. My faith has never been tied to the random and intolerant rules of the Holy See.

The sex abuse scandal tested my faith, as has the often-hateful messages toward gays.

You could say I need a pope like Francis. I hope this fresh approach of his continues.

March 14, 2013

Will the Catholic Church Lighten Up Under Pope Francis?

After the world got its first gander at Pope Francis yesterday, the inevitable “Lighten up, Francis” jokes started flying.

But there’s more than a cheap joke in all this. The question of whether the Church will lighten up under Pope Francis is a legitimate one.

Mood music:

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I’m a devout Catholic, which is to say I follow Jesus and believe he’s my savior. But I’ve often turned my nose up at the Vatican bureaucracy and have spoken up frequently about my belief that major reforms are needed to revitalize the Church. We need to put it all on the table: The role of women must be expanded. We must stop treating gays like lepers. We need to revisit the priest celibacy issue. Above all, we have to stop being self-righteous jerks. In other words, yes, the Catholic Church does need to lighten up.

Also see “My Name Is Bill, and I’m with the Religious Left.”

Is Pope Francis the man to get us there? Probably not. But that doesn’t mean he’ll be a bad pope.

Based on published reports, including this one from CNN, the man is no friend of the so-called liberal wing of the church. Says CNN:

Francis opposes same-sex marriage and abortion, which isn’t surprising as leader of the socially conservative Catholic church.

But as a cardinal, Francis clashed with the government of Argentine President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner over his opposition to gay marriage and free distribution of contraceptives.

But that and other reports also describe him as a simple man. He chose the name Francis — the first Pope to do so — because he wanted to honor St. Francis of Assisi, a servant to the poor and destitute. St. Francis of Assisi was born into a world of wealth but chose to live in rags among beggars at St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome.