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When Your Child Grows Up to Be a Monster

Like most people, the 2012 Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre cut me to the core. I blogged about it, trying to find a lesson for humanity. Having lost a sibling myself, I wrote an open letter to kids who lost a brother or sister, hoping to offer them something useful, if not comforting.

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But I’ll be honest: I didn’t spend much time dwelling on the question of whether my children could ever grow up to do such a thing. Like most parents, I try hard not to consider such things. It’s too uncomfortable and implausible.

But after reading a New Yorker interview with Peter Lanza — father of killer Adam Lanza — I realize it’s an issue we can’t ignore.

The article has gotten a lot of attention from the mainstream media, and just about every headline captures a statement Peter makes deep in the interview: He wishes Adam had never been born.

That statement is all the more a kick to the gut because it comes after he describes a son who didn’t start out as a monster. In fact, Peter says, Adam started out as a “normal little weird kid.” He remembers playing LEGOs with his son and notes that he didn’t see things starting to go wrong with the boy until he was a teenager.

Since December 2012, Peter has had to live with the knowledge that his son murdered innocent children and educators. His last name has become poisonous, though he decided not to change it, determining that he can’t hide from what happened. Nor has he tried.

It goes to show how as a parent, you can invest heart and soul to ensure your children grow into forces for good. You can do everything right, in fact. And sometimes, that’s still not enough.

When I look at my offspring, I see two beautiful boys with hearts as big as the solar system. They are smart, caring and driven to overcome obstacles. Erin and I have put a lot of effort into making sure they turn out right, and we think we’re on the right track. Duncan is challenged with ADHD and mild autism, but he’s made huge progress in recent months. We’re very proud of him.

Staring at that picture, it’s inconceivable to me that they’d grow up to be anything less than awesome.

But Peter Lanza thought that once about his son.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not bracing myself to watch my kids go down dark, twisted paths. Most kids grow into good men and women despite a variety of obstacles. The dark seeds are few and far between.

But still, you never know, do you?

As parents, all we can do is take life one day at a time and embrace the precious present. All we can do is be the best parents we can be.

I’ll keep doing that, and I’ll pray hard for Peter Lanza. I hope the man can find some peace.

Adam Lanza

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My Heart Breaks for the Newtown Officer, But …

It’s hard not to get where Newtown, Conn., police officer Thomas Bean is coming from. He responded to last December’s massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School, where 20 children were among the brutally slain. He now has post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and can’t work. He says he feels dead inside.

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CNN reports that Bean might be fired because Newtown says it can’t keep paying someone who is permanently disabled. A letter CNN obtained from the police department said that “he could be fired because Newtown could only afford to pay two years of long-term disability. He has a dozen years left on the job before being able to retire.”

The union that represents Newton police officers may sue. Joe Aresimowicz, House majority leader in the state General Assembly, said the state covers mental healthcare only if the diagnosis comes with physical injuries for long-term disability claims. That mental illness can’t be covered without physical injury tells me there’s stigma busting to be done. It demonstrates a lack of understanding of how mental illness works.

But that — and the heartbreak I feel for this officer — isn’t enough. There’s a bigger issue at play.

When Bean joined the police force, surely he understood, just as those who join the military do, that violence comes with the job. He knew the chances were better than average that he would someday have to go to a murder scene. To his credit, he responded to Sandy Hook on his day off. And obviously, this was not your typical murder scene. Twenty dead children. Even now, almost a year later, the thought of it brings me close to tears. So I can imagine his state of mind after seeing what he saw.

Many officers responded to the scene that day. Surely they remain haunted by what they saw, as well, yet they remain on the job.

That’s no knock against Bean. It’s unrealistic and unfair to assume everyone who experiences trauma should be able to bounce back in the same short period. But functioning in the face of trauma is something we rightfully expect from our public safety professionals. Otherwise, public safety would break down.

If Bean is permanently disabled and can’t do his job any longer, Newtown has to let him go. It sucks, but he should make way for a replacement officer who can do the job.

If it comes to that — and I believe it will — my hope is that Newtown supports Bean and others like him in other ways. A good start would be to get him the help he needs to put his life back together, including a good psychiatrist and career counseling.

There are no bad guys here, only victims. But as a whole, we have to move on.

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Bullet-proof Backpacks, Whiteboards: Logical Or Lunacy?

After what happened at Sandy Hook Elementary School, would you buy your child a bullet-proof backpack? If you’re a teacher, would you want to have a bullet-proof whiteboard? A couple companies think so.

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A friend who happens to be a teacher brought these to my attention yesterday, and my first reaction was to balk and say, “Here we go again with businesses trying to cash in on our fear.” After a few hours of research, I’m not balking anymore. In fact, I’m still not sure what to think.

The whiteboard idea comes from Maryland’s Pocomoke City-based Hardwire. It developed a hand-held whiteboard teachers could use as a shield if necessary. The company says the shield can stop bullets fired from a handgun at pointblank range. The backpacks are sold by a number of companies, and sales have gone through the roof since Dec. 14, the day of the Sandy Hook massacre.

What to make of it? On the surface it makes perfect sense. Our children live in a seemingly more dangerous world than the one we grew up in. I used to walk to and from school and hang out under the bridge without much fear for my safety other than the occasional threat from bullies. We can’t let our kids do that today. When I drop my kids at school, I don’t drive away until I’ve watched both enter the school.

With all these school shootings, it’s hard to even feel safe when they get in the building.

But my attitude has also changed in recent years in that I don’t think we should overprotect our kids. As scary as the thought may be, they need a taste of the tough stuff so they can grow tougher themselves.

My attitude is also influenced by my past suffering with fear and anxiety. A decade ago I would have obsessed about acquiring extra shielding for my children. I probably would have spent money we didn’t have to get it. Since bringing that fear to heel, I’ve been steadfast in my belief that you have to face what scares you in the eyes and make it blink.

Believing that as I do, my natural instinct is to dismiss these bullet-proof products as a waste. It’s just more security theater, where you may feel safer but you’re not. If a gunman enters a school with an assault rifle, the backpacks will be hanging on hooks out of the kids’ reach, which wouldn’t do any good. And in the confusing first moments of gunfire, will a teacher be quick enough to pull the whiteboard off the wall?

Part of me says life is too short to waste time on such calculations.

But the part of me that writes about security for a living thinks these defenses might just make the difference for a few people in that moment of danger.

I try to end these posts with a proposed way forward. In this case, since I admittedly don’t have answers to propose, I’d like to open the floor for discussion.

In the comments section, tell me if you would buy these things for your classroom and your kids.

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When Conspiracy Theorists Become Bullies

Conspiracy theorists usually don’t bother me. Hell, I even subscribe to the notion that Lee Harvey Oswald had help assassinating JFK. But a new breed of conspiracy theorist has emerged in recent years. They make threats and act like the schoolyard bully, and they make my skin crawl.

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The clowns who argued that 9/11 was an inside job are one example, though to my knowledge they never actually threatened anyone. Now there’s the Sandy Hook truther movement, a band of conspiracy theorists who believe the government secretly orchestrated the murder of 20 children and 6 adults at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT, so the public would support efforts to gut the Second Amendment. They take things in a dangerous, cruel direction.

They are the bullies in the schoolyard, the thugs hiding in the alley waiting to pounce.

One of their victims is Gene Rosen, a man who took in six little survivors of Sandy Hook the morning of the massacre. Rosen lives close enough to the school that he heard the gunshots. He found the children at the end of his driveway, and they told him they couldn’t go back to school because their teacher was dead.

He took the children into his home, gave them food, juice and toys, and called their parents. He sat with them as they described the horrible events.

He became a target of the Sandy Hook truther gang because he had been interviewed by the media. The truther thugs believe the government is paying actors to pose as eyewitnesses.

The Salon website describes how Rosen has suffered at the hands of this group:

“I don’t know what to do,” sighed Gene Rosen. “I’m getting hang-up calls, I’m getting some calls, I’m getting emails with, not direct threats, but accusations that I’m lying, that I’m a crisis actor, ‘how much am I being paid?’” Someone posted a photo of his house online. There have been phony Google+ and YouTube accounts created in his name, messages on white supremacist message boards ridiculing the “emotional Jewish guy,” and dozens of blog posts and videos “exposing” him as a fraud. One email purporting to be a business inquiry taunted: “How are all those little students doing? You know, the ones that showed up at your house after the ‘shooting’. What is the going rate for getting involved in a gov’t sponsored hoax anyway?”

As I said, I generally have no problem with conspiracy theorists. Most share their beliefs without hurting anyone. And there’s no question that the US government has engaged in conspiracies and illegal activity. Did the government orchestrate this massacre? Although you never know, I think there are people out there who hate Obama so much that they’ll believe just about any theory where the president is cast as a brutal dictator.

If we ever see evidence that the truther gang is right, Americans will show the same outpouring of anger that has led to the downfall of many a government official.

But whether they’re right or wrong, conspiracy theorists have no right to threaten or harass anyone. If you think the government is behind something terrible, speak out and search for evidence. That’s your right as an American citizen.

But when you limit others’ rights in favor of your own, you become just as evil as the empire you’re fighting against.

Below: Gene Rosen (Credit: AP/Mary Altaffer)

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One Good Thing About Westboro Baptist Church

The Westboro Baptist Church (WBC) hates homosexuals. In fact, its members hate pretty much everybody. When terrible tragedy strikes, they praise it as God’s retribution for all the things they’re against.

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That alone is reason for me to hate them back. But these people take it to even lower levels by picketing the funerals of fallen soldiers. Now they’ve threatened to picket funerals for the tiny victims of Friday’s Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre.

But I’m not going to hate them back, because even a filthy group like this serves a purpose.

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Here’s the one good thing about WBC: Their hateful actions bring out the good in others. They inspire people to take a stand for what’s right.

The best example this week: police, firefighters and others from neighboring states have come to Newtown, Conn., to form massive human walls at the funerals, blocking the Westboro picketers from the mourners’ view.

It goes to show that for every hateful action, there’s a loving reaction to overpower the bad. In this case, the WBC picketers were scared away.

God is good.

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To the Siblings in Sandy Hook

To the people of Newtown, Conn., particularly the surviving children of Sandy Hook Elementary School:

I have no idea what it’s like to lose a child, and I pray to God I never will. But I’ve lost a sibling and know how that feels. So I’m hoping, nearly 30 years after my brother’s death, that some of what I’m about to say will be of some comfort to you.

We all experience the death of relatives and friends. Usually, it’s our grandparents and great-grandparents. It hurts, but it’s the normal circle of life. There are younger people in our lives who suffer and succumb to disease. That hurts, too, but there’s at least some comfort in the fact that they’re no longer suffering.

The sudden, unexpected death of a sibling is something quite different, as you’ve unfortunately discovered. My brother had asthma, a serious condition but not one we typically consider fatal. And yet just one major attack took him from us. Our family had been through the pain of divorce and dysfunction, but we had survived it. Our lives imploded with my brother’s death.

The manner in which your brothers and sisters were taken from you must feel 1,000 times worse. Though I can’t imagine how that feels, I’m hoping I can make a few points based on my own experiences.

My advice to you:

  • Don’t be afraid to cry. When I was a kid I never cried in front of others unless it was family. I thought it would make me look weak and stupid. I was wrong. No one — and I mean no one — will hold your tears against you. In fact, people will be relieved that you’re able to let the tears out. When tears are suppressed, you feel worse. The longer you go without crying, the worse it gets. Let it all out.
  • Remember that for every evil event in this world, there are countless good people around to help you through it. They will make sure you’re not forced to linger in the cold darkness. Mister Rogers described it this way: “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers — so many caring people in this world.” Those people won’t disappear when the TV news crews go away and the funerals are over. They will always be there, and you will never be alone. That’s why good always wins out over evil in the end. Good people never give up or give in.
  • Be patient with your parents and give them all your love and help. Burying a child is the absolute worst thing a parent must do. It’s the greatest fear of every parent. After my brother died, I rebelled hard against my parents, partly because I lost patience with them as their grief made them stumble. It’s one of my big regrets. Don’t let it happen in your house. Help your parents and be very patient with them, and they will be able to function again. They’ll always carry a sadness, but they’ll also learn to experience new joys. You can be a big part of that.
  • Take your greatest dreams for the future and make them come true. Your brother or sister won’t get to experience the big moments of adulthood. It hurts knowing that. But they will be watching you from Heaven. Make them proud. No dream or goal is too big for you. If you keep studying and don’t give up when the going gets tough, you’ll be able to do anything you set your sights on. If anyone tells you a certain career is too hard to get, don’t believe it. I’ve managed to make a long, satisfying career out of writing. I’m not rich, but I’m happy.
  • If you find yourself laughing and smiling, don’t feel guilty about it. A few months after my brother died I went to see a movie. It was a comedy and I laughed hard. Then I felt horrible for laughing because I thought you weren’t supposed to laugh ever again. But that’s not true. It’s not only OK to laugh, it is essential to your survival. Humor will help you through all the difficult times ahead. Embrace it.

You will feel better in time. You’ll experience more difficult moments in your life, but that’s OK. We all have to go through the difficult times to truly understand and appreciate the good times. It may not make sense to you now. But in time, it will.

May God Bless you, your family and friends.

— Bill
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Sandy Hook Lesson: Be the Change, One Soul at a Time

Like most of you, I’ve spent a good part of the weekend thinking about the lives lost at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. We all want specific solutions that will prevent more of these tragedies, but what we’re dealing with is too big and too gray for that.

 

A lot of people are debating gun control. Some people think the world would be safer if every law-abiding citizen had a firearm. Others say they support the Second Amendment but that there’s no reason for anyone other than police and soldiers to have access to weapons that can fill a body with scores of bullets in the blink of an eye.

A lot of people are also debating what this tragedy says about how we should treat the mentally ill. Some people think the mentally ill should be locked away. Others cry out for better services and educational tactics to drive disturbed individuals away from the the path Adam Lanza took when he grabbed his mother’s guns, killed her and headed to Sandy Hook Elementary School, where he stole the lives of 20 precious children and six heroic adults who died saving the children who made it out alive.

Would stricter gun control prevent future massacres like this? I doubt it. Would giving every school principal a gun prevent it? I doubt that, too. I believe in the right of citizens to bear arms, but I don’t see how that makes it OK for people who aren’t soldiers or cops to carry handheld weapons of mass destruction. A hunting rifle for hunting and a handgun for self-defense when a home is invaded is one thing. High-powered rifles are something else entirely.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that on the subject of mental illness, I agreed with those who said we need better treatment and counseling to reach troubled youths before they become murderers.

Maybe I’m biased because I was one of those troubled kids. People made fun of me in school and I could never seem to get the hang of sports and other things that might have made me more socially acceptable. There were times in my youth when I’d occasionally think of how sweet it would be to grab a rifle or a knife and tear into the bodies of those I felt were oppressing me. Luckily for me, there were enough positive influences in my life to make the difference.

I know one kid who has a lot of emotional issues and has been through every kind of therapy and drug treatment known to man. He’s doing well, but a paper-thin line separates the sweet side of his soul from the side that could send him on a rampage. The more positive influences he has now, the better.

As for those who suggest we simply lock up the mentally disturbed: who do you think qualifies for the cage? You’ll likely point to the troubled guy who walks down the street shouting obscenities at everyone he crosses paths with, but that doesn’t mesh well with the profiles of those who went on to shoot up schools and movie theaters. This latest gunman had no criminal record and was described as a fairly docile person by family and neighbors. Charles Manson’s most blood-thirsty followers were model students and athletes in high school.

At some point their minds became twisted and sick, but outward appearances wouldn’t have indicated that they should be locked up. That’s something else I have firsthand experience with. During some of the worst periods of mental illness in my life, I was able to put on a smile and calm exterior. I could function in society, but inside I was a time bomb.

You want an easy fix for this problem? You can’t have one. It doesn’t exist.

The answer is much more difficult but worth the effort: If you know a young man or woman who goes through periods of depression, rage or self-imposed isolation, someone who struggles to fit in, try to spend time with them. Show them love and kindness. Mentor them.

Doing so has a better chance of preventing the next school massacre than more or fewer guns. We can’t catch every troubled soul and turn them around. The task is simply too big for any of us to handle.

But if we can guide one or two of them, that’s huge.

Sandy

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Heartbroken and Praying

This is not a post about whether we need more guns or fewer. This is not a post about what makes a man sick enough to fire a weapon at innocent children. It’s just a post to say how heartbroken we are in the Brenner house.

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We don’t know any of the victims in Newtown, Connecticut. But we have children under this roof and couldn’t even begin to understand what so many families in our neighboring state are going through right now. I want to hug my kids and never let go, though I know I can’t shield them from every danger out there.

We’re praying hard for the victims and their families. At last count, CNN said 20 children, 6 adults and the shooter were dead. These kids were between the ages of 5 and 10. Precious children with full lives ahead of them. That this has happened before Christmas makes it all seem all the sadder. From here on out, a lot of people in Newtown will forever dread the holiday season. It’s all too much to take.

A while back I wrote about something Mister Roger’s mother once told him about terrible tragedies. “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping,” he once recalled his mother saying. “To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers — so many caring people in this world,” he said.

I know the helpers will be there in this case. And that’s how I know that God is good, even when we want to hate Him. God has a plan. We have no idea what it is and many times I sure don’t like it. But when the helpers arrive, I firmly believe that’s Him in action.

Since the shootings, I’ve seen a lot of traffic coming to this blog, particularly to the post about Mister Rogers’ mother. I sure hope it helps the good people of Newtown find some comfort, however small.

God bless every one of you.

Related posts:

“Mister Rogers’ Mother Was Right”

“Why Does God Let This Happen?”

“I Accept God’s Plan, But I Don’t Have To Like It”
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