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Monogamy Isn’t Dead, It’s Just Missing a Hashtag

Chris Messina, the self-proclaimed inventor of the hashtag and advocate for open-web initiatives, has written an article for CNN about why he chooses non-monogamy.

I respect his beliefs. People should be free to love who they want to love. I’m also a happily married, old-fashioned romantic who wonders if people have stopped trying.

Mood music:

Messina writes about being a child of divorce and having had the notion of “happily ever after” monogamy shoved down his throat. He tells us how monogamy established itself thousands of years ago, when society was ruled by scarcity and resources and potential mates were in limited supply, but that:

We’re now living in a period of great (though unequally distributed) abundance where our basic needs are sufficiently met, and reproduction is a choice. As a result, the reasons to be with a single mate for life are less urgent. And with the advent of connected mobile devices and the internet, we’ve entered into the era I’ve dubbed Big Dating. Big Dating unbundles monogamy and sex. It offers to maximize episodes of intimacy while minimizing the risk of rejection or FOMO.

He goes out of his way to reassure those of us who still believe in striving for monogamy:

But fear not: just because a viable alternative to “happily ever after” is in ascendancy doesn’t mean monogamy is irrelevant. To the contrary, it just means that there’s now more than one option for building meaningful and satisfying relationships.

Fair enough. He’s entitled to his point of view. But it all sounds too easy to me. It takes the work out of relationships. And that work is important.

Striving for a relationship where two people are committed to each other was never about achieving the happily ever after. It’s about two people challenging each other. It’s about building something lasting. It’s about facing difficulties and coming out stronger. It’s about casting aside selfishness.

It doesn’t always work. I’m the child of divorced parents, too. I’ve seen a lot of couples destroy each other instead of strengthening one another. Love is hard, and I can see why it puts people like Messina off the idea of monogamy.

But to me, monogamy is still worth the effort. Would I feel differently if I weren’t happily married? Perhaps. But I doubt it.

Messina can have his open relationships. I’ll stick with my one romance.

#LOVE

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5 Reasons We Should Give Monica Lewinsky a Break

Monica Lewinsky is back in the news. Sixteen years after she became a household name for her relationship with then-President Bill Clinton, the former White House intern has decided to speak out in the latest issue of Vanity Fair.

Mood music:

You’ve heard about the blue dress, the oral sex in the Oval Office, the attempt by Republicans to impeach Clinton over the affair — specifically his attempts to cover it up. Lewinsky addresses those issues, writing:

Sure, my boss took advantage of me, but I will always remain firm on this point: it was a consensual relationship. Any “abuse” came in the aftermath, when I was made a scapegoat in order to protect his powerful position. … The Clinton administration, the special prosecutor’s minions, the political operatives on both sides of the aisle, and the media were able to brand me. And that brand stuck, in part because it was imbued with power.

With Lewinsky back in the spotlight, the jokes are sure to resume. She will once again be maligned for what she did. To those who will participate, I have a few words:

  • Sure, she was 24 at the time and maybe she was old enough to know better. But that’s still a young enough age to be intoxicated by presidential power. And not just any presidential power. Clinton’s a charming guy, and charm is sexual power.
  • Lewinsky is 40 now and has no doubt experienced a lot of growing up since 1998.
  • We’re all guilty of doing stupid things, and most of us get a chance to redeem ourselves. She deserves the same opportunity.
  • Sixteen years on, America has some serious problems resulting from two political parties hopelessly corrupted by money. We Americans have allowed it to get that way by our own apathy. Don’t you think there are more important things to worry about than what Lewinsky did as an impressionable, immature young woman?
  • If all your misdeeds — we all have them — became the stuff of public ridicule and press banter, you wouldn’t like it. In some cases, it would ruin you.

Move along, folks. Nothing more to see here.

Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky shake hands

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Sometimes, a Sex Song Is Just a Sex Song

Columnists have gone nuts since Beyoncé and husband Jay Z performed “Drunk in Love” at the Grammys. The song is about them having steamy, drunken sex. Nothing more, nothing less. Yet we can’t help pontificating about what it says of their marriage.

Here’s the Grammy Performance:

http://youtu.be/LaVeoJt0jfI

Here’s the official video, which is dirtier:

Debate over this song illustrates how we tend to overthink things.

Alyssa Rosenberg raved about the powerful case Beyoncé and Jay Z made for marriage in a Think Progress article:

Beyoncé Knowles-Carter and Jay-Z got on the Grammy stage last night and did what conservatives have been dying for someone to do for ages: they made marriage look fun, and sexy, and a source of mutual professional fulfillment.

Missing here is the fact that marriage is about much, much more than sex. It’s important, to be sure, but it’s not enough to make a marriage go the distance. Have all the steamy moments you want. If two people can’t fill the gaps in each other’s souls, nothing else matters.

On the other hand, New York Post writer Naomi Schaefer Riley declares that Jay-Z is a shitty husband:

For years, these award ceremonies have pushed the envelope; Beyoncé’s booty-shaking was certainly no worse than Miley Cyrus’s twerking or any number of other performances by Madonna, for instance. But there’s something particularly icky about doing it while your husband looks on approvingly.

“Honestly, I didn’t want to watch Jay Z and Beyoncé’s foreplay,” says Charlotte Hays, author of “When Did White Trash Become the New Normal?” Indeed, the happy couple seems to have completely blurred the line between what goes on in their bedroom and what happens on national TV. So much for the woman that Michelle Obama has called “a role model who kids everywhere can look up to.”

Too much information? Maybe. Does it prove Jay Z is a pig whose idea of a strong marriage is exploiting his wife? Not really. Long before these two hooked up, they were performers who never shied away from controversy. Riley suggests Beyoncé is a victim. She doesn’t give the singer nearly enough credit for controlling her image and destiny.

Another line of debate concerns this lyric from Jay Z in the song: “Eat the cake, Anna Mae.” Beyoncé joins in on the rap, which alludes to a scene in the 1993 Tina Turner biopic What’s Love Got to Do With It? where abusive husband and musical partner Ike Turner forces cake on his wife in the prelude to another violent blow up:

http://youtu.be/DadlLq2yrBw

Is one line of a song proof that he espouses domestic abuse? Hardly. Since the beginning of time we’ve heard musicians sing of love publicly while being abusive in their relationships. We’ve also heard musicians talk tough in song and be anything but offstage.

The thing is, sometimes a sex song is just a sex song.

beyonce and Jay Z