The OCD Diaries

October 6, 2020October 5, 2020

We’re Better Than Our Online Personas

Amid despair over our broken civil discourse, I’ve found reason and perspective in recent American history.

Mood Music:

Buried beneath all the news about Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s death and the resulting political chaos was an article about her friendship with then-fellow Justice Antonin Scalia before his death in 2016.

Scalia’s son, Labor Secretary Eugene Scalia, described the friendship this way:

They were both New Yorkers, close in age, and liked a lot of the same things: the law, teaching, travel, music and a meal with family and friends. They had a bond, I think, in that they both grew up as outsiders – to different degrees – to the elites who had ruled the country: she as a Jew and woman, he as a Catholic and Italian American.

They shared a passion for opera and even once appeared together as extras in the Washington National Opera’s opening night production of Richard Strauss’s Ariadne auf Naxos.

This, even as they passionately and consistently opposed each other over law. Scalia once quipped: “What’s not to like, except her views on the law.”

American history is full of such friendships. Sen. Ted Kennedy, the liberal lion from dark-blue Massachusetts, and Sen. Orrin Hatch, a devout Mormon from the red state of Utah, were close friends. President Ronald Reagan and House Speaker Tip O’Neill were fierce political adversaries who still bonded over their Irish heritage and a love of jokes.

These friendships reflect what many of us experience on a personal level. We have friends and relatives who have political beliefs opposite ours. We argue a lot, often heatedly and in public places like Facebook and Twitter.

But when it comes to the health, safety and happiness of our families and fellow friends, politics takes a back seat.

We laugh at the same jokes and Facebook memes. We delight in the same movies and music many times. And we come to the rescue when someone in our orbit is in trouble. Who they’re voting for doesn’t matter in those moments.

As ugly as this political season has been — compounded by months of pandemic and civil unrest — we haven’t lost the ability to rise above politics and be good to one another. I see abundant examples daily of personal bonds being stronger than the things that divide us.

It’s just easy to lose sight of that when we spend too much time on social media. I’m guilty of that.

We’ll need those bonds to survive the next few months, which promise to be as hard as recent months — maybe even more so. The coming election will almost certainly be rich with chaos. The pandemic will continue to dog us. The economy will take a long time to recover.

Our empathy for each other might be our greatest weapon against the darkness.

One of my friends from the information security community, Don A. Bailey, captured the things that matter most in a recent Facebook post:

No matter which side you’re on, half the country is going to have a very bad 2020 in November. Now, more than ever, is time for empathy, patience, and communication with friends whom think differently than you. Your candidate won’t save the country, only we can, one deescalation at a time.

Thanks for that perspective, Don.

Call me a hopeless optimist. Call me naive. But I truly believe our better angels will overcome the ugliness of 2020.

There are more than enough Ginsburg–Scalia friendships in America to carry us through to better days.

October 9, 2015October 9, 2015

Out of Facebook F**ks to Give

When I look at some of the posts I wrote just a few years ago, I realize how much my outlook on a lot of things has changed, especially when it comes to Facebook. My opinions have evolved through my experiences since writing those posts. People who read those posts should see that a writer’s views can evolve and mature — or devolve.

Mood music:

“Me and My Facebook Unfriend Finder“
This post describes how I had installed a plug-in that would tell me who unfriended me. At the time I was obsessive over why people would do that.

My view now: I stopped paying attention to my friends number some time ago, partially because I got tired of worrying about what people found offensive. These days, everyone finds something offensive, and playing the “who unfriended me?” game got boring.

I also learned on more than one occasion that being friends with someone on Facebook doesn’t make them friends in real life. I’ve been to events where people I’m connected to online didn’t say two words to me in person. If it ain’t real, it ain’t worth fretting over.

“Run Out of Town (Or Off Facebook, Twitter)“
A friend whose quick typing fingers got her into trouble was ready to quit Facebook. In this post, I suggested that she shouldn’t quit Facebook because none of us are perfect. Then I offered advice on how she could get along better.

My view now: I used to think that I could help people form healthier habits. But you can’t change people who don’t want to change. Mostly, you have to hope people learn and evolve on their own. The person I wrote about in that post still engages in bomb throwing online, and she has a loyal audience. I didn’t unfriend her. I just ignore her.

“Research It Before You Share“
People pass on all sorts of content without stopping to find out whether it’s true or not. It’s good to let people know when they’re being gullible, kind of like a public service announcement. I don’t regret writing this one. Having said that …

My view now: I’ve realized that people will never stop posting memes or statements without checking their facts first, especially when they fit their preconceived ideas. People have taken their politics on Facebook to lunacy levels, and if I’ve learned anything in life, it’s that you can’t reason with crazy.

“Don’t Let Politics Kill Friendships“
Political arguments on Facebook can damage or kill friendships. I’m sorry when my actions have caused that to happened with my friends.

My view now: I still believe I should be respectful in an argument. But if a friendship can’t survive political arguments, it wasn’t a very strong friendship to begin with. That’s especially true if the argument is with someone you only communicate with on Facebook. In this case, the friend in question was a friend long before Facebook came along. And we get along just fine today.

“A Message from the ‘Obsessive Poster’“
Someone called me an obsessive poster, and I took the opportunity to defend myself.

My view now: The guy was right. I was posting far too much. I don’t post nearly as much now. Back then, there was an OCD component to my posts. I was obsessive about getting my words to the masses. I was also inexperienced in the art of self-promotion and distribution. I’ve learned along the way that less is more.

September 14, 2015September 14, 2015

My Anti-Drama Code of Conduct

Man, there are a lot of hurt feelings out there lately. In my industry, they call it security drama. But it goes way beyond that. Post your political and religious beliefs and someone is quick to tear you apart.

I’m not going to summarize the latest examples. A lot of Facebook and Twitter streams are already clogged with all that snot. Instead, I’m going to tell you the behavioral code I try to live by when blogging and using social media.

Mood music:

When I blog, I opine forcefully. I make no apologies and I don’t back down. After 20-plus years in journalism — 11 of it focused on information security — I know that if I make a forceful argument, as many people will disagree with me as those who agree. This is especially true if the topic is religion or politics. I also know that I’m going to get it wrong once in awhile, since opinions usually come about as a story is unfolding, before all the facts are in place. I also know that I’m going to offend people once in a while without meaning to.

With all this in mind:

I go out of my way not to insult people with name calling. This wasn’t always the case, but over time I realized nothing good comes of it.
When people take issue with something I write, I don’t respond. I used to but decided that doing so isn’t much different from whining. And since I’ve already made my case in a post, I see no reason to repeat myself. If someone is critical of what I say, I let the comment stand. Everyone is entitled to their point of view. And if someone is an asshole, that’s all the more reason not to respond. Engaging assholes is pointless, because their agenda isn’t to have a constructive discussion in the first place.
When I realize I was wrong about something, I promptly admit it.
If I post something that triggers traumatic memories for someone, I’ll take the post off of Facebook. Some folks will complain that we’ve become too politically correct and that we can’t worry about the few who complain. But that’s not the point. My agenda is to share an experience or belief — never to do someone harm. Some folks will claim they’ve been triggered over something and will never look at my writing for what it is. When that’s the case, I tell them to unfriend me. If we’re not connected, you won’t see my posts. Problem solved.
If I wade into what people see as drama in my industry, it’s because I think I can bring some people to the middle ground. Increasingly, though, I stay away from that. When passions reach critical mass, injecting reason becomes impossible.
Even when writing about unhappy experiences, I try to point out the positives. My father’s final weeks were painful, but I got to spend a lot of time with him and make sure nothing was left unsaid. Sad periods have their beauty, too.

If you think these examples are helpful to you, I’m glad. If not, that’s fine, too. I’m telling you what I do, not what I think you should do.

June 2, 2015June 1, 2015

Why I Don’t Separate Personal from Professional on Social Media

In the world of social media, I’ve seen a lot of folks try to keep their work and personal lives separate. For business, people use LinkedIn. Facebook is for friends and family. But I never even tried to do this. Here’s why.

Mood music:

I used to think it was possible for me to put on different faces for different crowds. I could have my family face, reserved for when I was at home or at family gatherings. Then, when it was time to go to work, I could put on my work face. For friends I could put on my friend face.

For a while, I managed to carry on that way. I had my reserved side for family. I’d exchange pleasantries but wouldn’t open up much. For work I showed my serious side, the cool demeanor that hid all the insecurities. For friends I showed my crazy side, with a mouth full of profanity and dark humor.

As I started working on myself a little over a decade ago, coming to grips with my demons, fears and self-destructive behavior, I realized I couldn’t hold all those pieces together anymore. It started to feel like juggling, and I’ve never been good at juggling.

The more it became a struggle, the harder I tried to make it work. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I let the different sides of myself melt into one pot.

The crazy, profane, serious, quirky parts of me were now there for all to see — at home, at work and in front of friends.

That was a moment of freedom for me. By pulling my various personalities out of their individual boxes, I became whole.

When social networking came along, I didn’t even try to keep things separate for different audiences. I realized I couldn’t do it in the real world, so how could I do it online? Whether it’s at an industry gathering, a party with friends or family or swapping comments with folks online, I let it all hang out.

I’m more honest — and happier — that way.

September 4, 2014

Opinions Are Like Assholes, Especially on Facebook

There’s an old saying that opinions are like assholes: everyone has one. Nothing amplifies the point like a typical day on Facebook, Twitter and other forms of social media.

Mood music:

The scenario typically unfolds in five steps:

Someone posts a status update with emotion. It can be anger over personal situations (they stubbed a toe), sports (their favored team lost), politics, etc. Or it can be something whimsical or nostalgic, like marveling at how fast time moves.
Someone reads more into said post than what may have been intended. This annoys or angers them.
They put an annoyed comment under the status update. “Stop whining and accept life,” for example.
Three or more bystanders see the comment and get upset.
They make a comment about the comment.

Achievement unlocked: a full-throated Facebook drama.

I’ve received my fair share of emotional comments, negative and positive, over the years. I’m fine with that, because as a writer I know my strong opinion will be met with another strong opinion. I even welcome it, because passionate discussion can make us all wiser.

That is, until people get mean. Telling someone to fuck off or go kill themselves if they don’t like life’s curve balls is a pretty good example of that. Name calling also fall into this category.

When someone goes there, I shut them down. I ignore them and move on, because once someone goes there, nothing good is going to come of it.

But the drama isn’t always that cut-and-dried.

Sometimes, good people misinterpret other people’s posts and say regrettable things before thinking it through. This is usually because you can’t read a person’s intent online the same way you can when face to face. I’ve seen good people who love each other get mean on Facebook for this simple reason.

It’s unfortunate.

The online world is not same as the real world. We’ve had thousands of years to learn how to talk to each other in person, and we’re still a long way from mastering the art of personal communication.

We’ve had far less time to learn how to talk to each other online, which means we still pretty much suck at it.

I’m not going to tell people what to post or how to react to someone else’s posts. I’m still far too amateur at this to do that.

I will, however, suggest that we stop and think before diving in to the comments section.

If we pause first or seek clarification of what someone’s status update means, we may avoid some of the online drama that’s become commonplace.

We may all be happier as a result.

May 28, 2013

Narcissism on Facebook? No Kidding!

Last year, The Guardian wrote about a report which concluded that Facebook is rampant with socially aggressive narcissism.

No offense to the author or publication, but studies like this are laughable for the obviousness of their conclusions.

Mood music:

[spotify:track:6oNvmplQGUkmAh441Teows]

From the report:

Researchers have established a direct link between the number of friends you have on Facebook and the degree to which you are a “socially disruptive” narcissist, confirming the conclusions of many social media sceptics.

People who score highly on the Narcissistic Personality Inventory questionnaire had more friends on Facebook, tagged themselves more often and updated their newsfeeds more regularly.

The research comes amid increasing evidence that young people are becoming increasingly narcissistic, and obsessed with self-image and shallow friendships.

The latest study, published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences, also found that narcissists responded more aggressively to derogatory comments made about them on the social networking site’s public walls and changed their profile pictures more often.

Duh.

A couple years ago, this article would have offended me. At last count, I had 2,470 friends on Facebook. Meanwhile, this blog’s Facebook page had 578 likes and 37 people were subscribed to my updates. I change my profile and cover pics often, and between my personal blog posts and work-related writings, I’m a pretty prolific poster. You could say the description in that article fits me like a glove.

The report misses some finer detail, though. For example, a lot of my friend count is because my network is made up of friends and business associates. I’m also connected to a lot of Facebook pages for guitar makers and sellers because I have a passion for guitars. I’m also connected to a lot of writers who are not personal friends, but I admire their work and connecting to them is how I keep tabs on their creative output.

I won’t lie, though: I’d rather have a big network than a small one. I’m a social animal who likes to know what people are up to. And it warms the heart knowing there are more than a few people interested in keeping tabs on what I’m doing as well.

That’s a mark of narcissism right there. But I’m not making a fresh revelation here. I’ve written at least three posts in which I own this part of me.

Read about my struggles with narcissim:

“Narcissism Is A Fatal Illness“

“Narcissism Inc.“

“I’m a Narcissist (and So Are You)”

One of my friends posts all day long about his security work, his weight-lifting progress and what he’s listening to. You could call that narcissistic. But I wouldn’t miss his posts for the world. Another friend loves taking her self-portrait from the seat of her car and posts them multiple times a week. That’s the mark of a narcissist. But she never, ever speaks ill of anyone on Facebook, nor does she complain about how hard life is. That is not the mark of a narcissist.

We all have a self-absorbed side to our personalities. Anyone who denies it is full of shit. We all worry about our art, professions, friendships and how others perceive us. Facebook gives us at least some ability to present the self image we aspire to. That’s more than a lot of us used to have. Why not use it?

If you’re the type of person who drops everything to help someone in need, who tirelessly works to advance causes that make humanity better, who loves unconditionally, understand this:

You’re gold in my book. Even if you post a shitload of pictures of yourself and accept every friend request that comes your way.

Facebook is one reflection of the human condition in the 21st century, but it’s not the whole story. Not even close.