Last week I was in Fort Lauderdale on business. Not a bad place to be after the winter we’ve had in Boston. My hotel was right on the beach, and I walked it every day.
Before that, it had been a long time since I’d taken an hour-long power walk and at least a couple decades since I’d done so on a beach.
Mood music:
I made a point to get the walks in because I’m way out of shape, and I have an all-night walk coming up in June to raise money for suicide prevention programs.
As a kid and young adult, I walked Revere Beach every single day, rain or shine, day or dark. Those walks kept me sane in a world that was insane. The last time I walked Revere Beach like that was with my friend Sean, days before he ended his life.
It makes sense that I resume power walking in preparation for the big walk in June. I’m quickly remembering the calming effect the exercise had on my mind and how I was in much better shape when I was doing it.
That I restarted the daily regimen on a beach was simply icing on the cake. The sound of waves lapping the sand brings me a peace of mind few other things in this world can.
Back home, where I live now, there is no beach. But there’s a river. A mighty one at that. There are also tons of walking trails and plenty of hilly terrain.
I won’t let the French Peas get me down. Let the training commence.
A friend sent me a fascinating article yesterday about medical advancements in which a person’s severe depression and suicide could possibly be predetermined by biomarkers in their blood.
Mood music:
The article in Nature outlines how six biomarkers in blood can conceivably identify people at risk of suicide. Indiana University psychiatrist Alexander Niculescu and six of his colleagues published their findings in Molecular Psychiatry.
They identified nine men with bipolar disorder who are part of a larger, separate study. Between testing visits, the men had gone from no suicidal thoughts to strong suicidal thoughts.
These men’s blood samples were compared to blood samples from nine men who had committed suicide. According to the article, “This enabled [the scientists] to narrow their list of candidate biomarkers from 41 to 13. After subjecting the biomarkers to more rigorous statistical tests, Niculescu’s team was left with six which they [were] reasonably confident were indicative of suicide risk.”
The researchers have a lot of work left before they can prove beyond reasonable doubt that suicidal tendencies are detectable through blood tests. Still, I’m for any medical research that might speed the process of identifying people before they’re too far along in their suffering to be helped.
I don’t think it’ll ever replace the hard work a person now goes through to achieve mental wellness. Imbalances in blood and brain chemistry are problems that must be addressed. But it’s just as important for someone to identify the environmental and historical triggers that put them at risk.
My own challenges with depression have been shaped by personal history. I went through stuff as a child and young adult that will forever color how my mind perceives and reacts to life’s everyday trials. To get to where I’m at today, I had to talk to therapists about what I was feeling and untangle the web of memories that left me prone to out-of-control OCD and long stretches of melancholy.
Changes in diet and medication were also required.
To be fair, despite vicious bouts of depression, I don’t recall ever being suicidal. Whether my blood had the warning signs is anyone’s guess. It could be that I was lucky enough to get help before my problems became suicidal material. Or it could be that suicide was never something I was at risk for. Between my depression and watching more than one friend’s life end by suicide, it is a subject I’ve become obsessive about.
Maybe a blood test could have found signs of trouble in my friends and me earlier on. I’m not sure we’d have escaped the hardships that developed, but maybe we could have gotten treated sooner. Either way, it doesn’t matter now for us. They’re gone and I’ve found ways to manage my mental health through other means.
But if it makes a difference for people in the future, then the work of these researchers is something to celebrate.
Having lost my best friend to suicide in 1996 and suffered my own bouts of depression over the years, I’m grateful for those who rise up to stem the tide of this often-misunderstood scourge. In my industry (information security) I’ve met a lot of good people who suffer in silence. Among them are folks who refuse to sit back and take it.
And so we’ve seen the rise of such endeavors as the Information Technology Burnout Project and talks at a series of hacker conferences on how to spot someone with depression and intervene before it’s too late. One such talk happened at the DEF CON 21 conference in Las Vegas last weekend. The talk was given by Amber Baldet, who has also given the talk at such events as SOURCE Boston.
Mood music:
Baldet wrote of last weekend’s experience on her Idiosyncratic Routine blog and has graciously shared her presentation with me and others who couldn’t make it to the talk. You can view the full slideshow here, but let me give you the highlights.
Early in the slideshow, Baldet describes suicidal behavior as a contagion that “directly or indirectly (via media) influences others to attempt suicide.” I never attempted suicide myself, but my experience is that the depression of a friend, colleague or loved one can rub off on those who inhabit the same environment. It can deepen someone else’s depression and, if that person is so inclined, it can make them suicidal. Media coverage adds fuel to that fire, as noted in this slide:
Another slide focuses on the clinical aspects, conditions that lead to depression and, in some, suicide:
There are a lot of traits in the security community and beyond that spark depression and suicidal behavior. One is the tendency of hackers to stay up all night as they follow one code-based rabbit hole after another. “I’ll sleep when I’m dead, too busy CRUSHING IT,” as Baldet puts it.
There’s also a high degree of paranoia in our community. Paranoia is a disease I know well. I’ve lived it and watched my best friend get eaten alive by it.
The most valuable slides focus on specific ways to help others:
One thing I’ve learned over the years: Some super-smart, super-gifted, ahead-of-their-time people often battle with depression and eventually lose their war. So it was for my best friend who took his life 16 years ago. So it has been for far too many of my industry peers.
Mood music:
I’m thinking of them and for those who continue to struggle with depression daily. I’m grateful, particularly in my industry, for those who have stepped up to support those who need help.
A few years ago, one friend suggested creating a suicide intervention tactics workshop at security cons, focusing specifically on gifted tech folks who are particularly vulnerable. That idea has led to a lot of great content that has no doubt saved lives.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned since starting this blog, it’s that depression and anxiety run high in the information security industry. I’ve had many discussions with people who have battled their own demons. All of them were brilliant, innovative and downright gifted.
They remind me of my long-dead friend. I often think about how his intelligence made him hyper-aware of the world around him. He had moments of extreme joy and extreme pain. You could say he knew too much to be happy.
If there’s one thing I wish I had back then, it would be the skills to see where he was headed and the tactics to help him back off the ledge.
To Amber’s point, friends and colleagues of the sufferers in our industry need to learn tactics to make a difference.
I don’t consider myself gifted, but in the last several years I’ve found tools to cope with my own depressed feelings. I’ve learned to use music, humor, writing and counseling as weapons against the dark. Medication alone is never enough. Sometimes, it makes things worse.
Those tools are essential, as are tactics we could all use to help those who can’t seem to help themselves. Putting those things on display at tech conferences (virtual and, eventually, in-person again) could be as important as the technology on display.
