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What a Weird Dream Says About My Real Life

I’m in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., as I write this. I’m in a hotel by the beach and it’s pretty relaxed. I’m sleeping more deeply than I have in a while. I’m also having some fucked-up dreams. Since I rarely remember my dreams the next morning, I’ve decided to capture this one.

Mood music:

https://youtu.be/6aNNIyxbG5g

Sequence 1

I’m with my father, aunt and younger son in front of the old family business. Everyone’s gathered to go to a wedding or some other special event. Duncan and I aren’t going, so I’m not sure why we’re there.

My father, who can’t walk or sit up much, has the ability to do both in the dream, and to prove it, he stands up on the roof of the car. My aunt, who rarely leaves her condo these days, is there, too. She’s going to the big event, whatever it is.

Sequence 2

Everyone leaves, and I take my son home — to the house I grew up in on the Lynnway in Revere. The house is bigger than it was in reality, with exposed beams at the roof.

We enter the kitchen and I freak because the place is a disaster. The rest of the family had had a big breakfast before they left and didn’t clean up after themselves.

Sequence 3

We’re still in my old house, but suddenly my church pastor and a bunch of parishioners are there, rehearsing for either a play or special ceremony.

I’m not wearing any pants, so I run from the room to go put something on. Suddenly, I’m in the warehouse of the family business, which is filled with boxes. An interesting detail, because in reality the building is pretty empty now.

I hide behind boxes and put the pants on, as a bunch of kids from church parade by. I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn around. It’s my pastor.

He asks if I want to go to lunch. I say sure. He pauses, then tells me the other parishioners are talking about me. They’ve noted that I’m very quiet and sullen of late, which is unusual. People are worried about me. I admit that I’m not feeling like myself, and then the dream fades out as I wake up.

What’s It All About?

The best I can make of it is this:

  • I’m worried about my father and feel guilty that I’m not able to visit him more often.
  • I’m worried about my aunt because she’s become a recluse.
  • I’m kind of sad about the family business being over, even though I was never in love with it to begin with.
  • The mess my younger boy makes around the house is driving me insane.
  • Though I’m getting better, I spent the fall and winter in a depressed funk.

As for the lack of pants, all I can think of is that a little bit of reality had traveled with me into the dream, because I was sleeping sans pants.

Dream of Sacrifice by EddieTheYeti
“Dream of Sacrifice” by EddieTheYeti
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This Time, Anxiety Won

A confession: This past week, I’ve done a miserable job using my many coping tools to manage OCD and anxiety. What makes this particularly sinister is that I’ve just finished a week of vacation with the kids.

Mood music:

[spotify:track:5sSXTZeLV25Byz0ryxoc4O]

Everything I’ve told you in past posts about learning to enjoy the precious present and not let worry take over is true. Weeks like this simply drive home the reality that I can never be fully free of my demons. I can only manage them and keep them from overtaking me most of the time. I’m fine with that. We all have our special challenges that dog us for life. It produces a pain we gain wisdom from. And from that wisdom comes joy.

So what set me off this week? Travel plans.

Tonight I fly to San Francisco for a few days of covering RSA and Security B-Sides. I was supposed to leave tomorrow morning, but was forced to leave a day sooner because of another impending winter storm in the Northeast. That made me resentful right off the bat. I was expecting a nice day with my wife and kids before leaving, and this was a big monkey wrench in the plan.

It also stoked my anxiety. Not the fear part, but the part where I worry to the point where I can’t see two feet in front of me. I watched the weather like a hawk. I downloaded no fewer than three weather apps on my Android and followed them all throughout the days. I checked all the weather sites every time I opened the laptop or switched on the TV.

If the predicted snow count went up, I grew depressed. If the projected amounts went down, I became unreasonably euphoric.

That kind of mood swinging does terrible things to the human body. Hormones go nuts, muscles tense into headaches and you sleep terribly.

I have no one to blame. I did this to myself. I sometimes get so cocky about my ability to manage the demons that I’m thrown for a bigger loop than I otherwise would be when things don’t go as planned.

As for the anxiety, it didn’t have to be that way, because it really was a good vacation otherwise. I got in a lot of quality time with the kids. Erin had to work most of the time, unfortunately, but Wednesday we had a nice dinner out and Friday we had a family day with a visit to the McAuliffe-Shepard Discovery Center in Concord, N.H. After that, Erin and I did groceries together for what was probably the first time since the kids came along. That was pretty cool.

But I let my worry overshadow it all, and for that I’m a little pissed with myself.

It’s time for me to regain my control.

Def Leppard Hysteria album cover

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Financial Fear and Anxiety? Try This Four-Step Exercise

An old friend is racked with fear and anxiety. A clinical OCD case like me, he obsesses about the family budget, which he recently took over. He’s obsessed about everything that could go wrong with him in control. I know exactly what he’s going through.

Mood music:

[spotify:track:0vIvLrpvGepwfvmUK7i66J]

Early in our marriage, Erin was chief budget keeper and bill payer. She insisted I try doing the bills so that I could get a better sense of what I was spending and how it fed into the bigger picture. I was scared shitless, and I made mistakes. I dreaded every morning.

Erin and I now have a system where I handle the finances for six months, then she does six months. She remains a far better budget keeper than me, but I have learned to pay the bills on time most of the time. Progress is progress.

The treatment I’ve had to bring my OCD under control was a big factor in my progress. I still have daily OCD moments, but the fear and anxiety are gone.

Which brings me to a little exercise worth trying in fearful moments. This is mainly directed toward my friend and people in our mental situation. If you really are living in poverty and it’s not all in your head as it is for us, this won’t change things. But if you’re like us, maybe this will help.

  • Remember that most people struggle with money. Even if you’re filthy rich, you struggle to manage all the money coming in and going out. If you’re middle class or lower, there’s never enough money. The budget is always out of alignment because life happens. Cars break down unexpectedly. Water heaters die at the most inconvenient time. Your situation is unremarkable. Remembering that will at least give you the comfort of not being alone.
  • Ask yourself, what’s the worst that can happen? So you discover that you forgot to make the monthly car payment. What’s the worst that can happen? Will your car get repossessed? Unlikely, since you pay on time most of the time. You just fix the mistake by paying up and move on. Will you end up homeless because money is tight? You haven’t been tossed out up to this point and you’re financial situation is basically the same as always, so I doubt it. When we ask what’s the worst that can happen, we find that the worst isn’t so bad.
  • Seek out people smarter than you. Worried that you don’t have enough to pay every bill on time and having trouble prioritizing? Get help. Find the smartest financial brain in the family and get their advice. They can help you prioritize and make the best of what you have to work with. Read up on finance basics (Erin recommends Get a Financial Life, a book she worked on.) Get a financial adviser to guide you along. We have an adviser, and he’s been very helpful when it comes to assessing the full financial picture and how to work with what you have. If you keep your concerns inside and don’t get help, you’re setting yourself up for trouble.
  • Appreciate what you have. Money troubles may persist, but if you stop to remember what you have, things look a lot better. Your family still loves you. You still have your health and the ability to make positive changes in your life. Remember those things, take a deep breath and get back to the task.