February 2011

Search and Destroy

by Bill Brenner February 20, 2011 Addiction

In the haze of my sickness of recent days, I’ve been listening to a lot of music. It’s not like I can do much else. This afternoon, I’ve turned my obsessions over to The Stooges. Mood music: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFfnAvqf1pw&fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0] The opening lines to “Search and Destroy” drag me kicking and screaming back to the mid 1980s, when destruction was my idea of a job well done. I’m a street walking cheetah with a heart full of…  [Read More]

Something Broke

by Bill Brenner February 20, 2011 Depression

Day four of being sick. I’ve been bouncing from couch to chair to bed, looking for a place to be comfortable. I’ve been sleeping a lot. It’s a helpless kind of feeling. Mood music: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dsp6jfzNGk8&fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0] The other day I wrote about covering the RSA security conference in 2005 with a fever and coming home broken. This was something of a repeat performance. Some people relish the opportunity to lie around and do nothing. I hate…  [Read More]

A Look In The Mirror

by Bill Brenner February 19, 2011 Depression

Written in early 2011, after one of my more spectacular failures as a husband and human being. I’ve been dealing with a pretty sour mood in recent days. This post is my attempt to explain it all. The other day, I wrote a post called “When the Truth is a Lie” and a lot of you commented that I’m too hard on myself. I appreciate that, but I don’t think I was being as open…  [Read More]

Well, That Was Stupid

by Bill Brenner February 16, 2011 Depression

Almost every time I visit the therapist, right after he asks if I’m taking the same Prozac dosage as I was at the last visit, he glares at me through his glasses and says: “Remember, never put yourself in a position where you run out.” Mood music: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRat644_o_k&fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0] Those words ring through my head every time I travel. I’m always paranoid about it and the first thing I do when packing is put the pills…  [Read More]

When Honesty Is A Lie

by Bill Brenner February 16, 2011 Addiction

I’ve figured out another reason for my sour mood in recent days, and now is as good a time as any to get it off my chest. Mood music: A lot of people have been coming up to me here in San Francisco praising me for being “so honest, open and courageous” in this blog. It was a similar thing when I was in Washington D.C. for ShmooCon a couple weeks ago. I appreciate those…  [Read More]

I Have A Bad Attitude

by Bill Brenner February 15, 2011 Depression

Last night, as I was walking around to different events in San Francisco, a dark mood came over me. My perception of everything went negative and my tolerance of people evaporated. Mood music: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UW8UlY8eXCk&fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0] I chalked it up to a serious lack of sleep. I’m still pretty sure that’s what it is. I didn’t pay attention to the three-hour time change when I got here Sunday and, as the clock approached midnight west coast time,…  [Read More]

RSA 2005 (Fool in the Rain)

by Bill Brenner February 14, 2011 Fear and anxiety

As I cover RSA Conference 2011, I can’t help but think back to my first RSA trip in 2005. This isn’t about security trends then and now. It’s about my state of mind back then. Mood music (because I was listening to this one a lot back then): [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGshAiRp64Q&fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0] I had been writing for SearchSecurity.com for less than a year, and I was in the middle stages of an emotional breakdown. I just didn’t know…  [Read More]

Do Drunks and Recovering Addicts Mix?

by Bill Brenner February 14, 2011 Addiction

It can be tricky socializing with a recovering addict at a party. In some ways the guy who can’t drink or eat whatever he wants  is socially awkward. So how do you deal with someone like me? Mood music: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSih4o2YfmA&fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0] It’s a fair question, and one I’ve put some thought into since a good friend sent me this feedback: “As someone who knows several people who struggle with addiction issues I’m always hyper-sensitive to everything…  [Read More]

Snake on the Plane

by Bill Brenner February 12, 2011 Addiction

Tomorrow I get on another plane to another city — this time San Francisco. It’s time to go cover the RSA and B-Sides security events. I used to be a raving lunatic the day before a flight. Not anymore. Still, I feel uneasy this morning. Mood music: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jwzGvMwO-yg&fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0] My mind has been raw all week for a multitude of reasons. Mostly, it’s a case of winter getting to me. The sun is setting later each…  [Read More]

When The Music’s Over…

by Bill Brenner February 11, 2011 Communication Skills

Twenty years ago, as a student at North Shore Community College, I was obsessed with The Doors. My ambition was to be Jim Morrison. I’m glad I got over it. Mood music: Back then, I fancied myself a poet. I joined the Poet’s Society. I grew my hair long and started wearing a pair of leather pants I had borrowed from Sean Marley (back then, I could actually fit into them). I wore a suit…  [Read More]

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