–Book Project: At the RSA security conference earlier this month, editors for a security publisher approached me about writing a book. The book proposal is filed and I’m waiting to hear back. But regardless, it was nice to be asked and whatever happens, I’ve gone ahead and started writing the book — about how the information security culture has changed for the good guys and bad guys in the last decade and how/why it happened.
–Family Road Trip: Once upon a time, the thought of driving my family 10 hours South would be enough to send me into a brain spasm. I’d worry about all kinds of things beyond my control. Times have changed. I’m now planning a family road trip sometime in the next three months to Washington D.C., where I plan to show them all the monuments to the giants, the museums and the White House, where a private tour of the West Wing is in the works (I know a few people who work there ;-))
–Speaking engagements: Given that my fear included the prospect of getting up in front of people and making an ass of myself, it’s almost weird to think that I’m doing an increasing number of public speaking events. This coming week, I’ll be giving a keynote talk on social networking security threats at an MIT event. In the last year I’ve given four such talks. I’m also sharing my story of addiction and recovery at an OA meeting this week.
–Work projects: Without getting into detail, because nothing’s a done deal, I’m pursuing a couple projects at work that will probably result in more work and pressure for me. Once upon a time, I would have run from it, even when I was obsessed with pleasing everybody. Now I am running toward it. It’s something I WANT. Being pushy about it is not a problem for me. Good thing I work for tolerant people.
–Helping new converts: I’ve been helping out with this year’s group of folks in the RCIA program. I’m helping out at the weekly Tuesday-night meetings, told my conversion story, and I’ll be doing a reading at the Easter Vigil as I’ve done each year since my own conversion. A few years ago, I wouldn’t have done it because it would have felt like too much work, a waste of a night I could be spending in front of the TV or hiding under the bedsheets. Now I can’t imagine NOT doing this. It energizes my mind, body and soul.
I may not pull off all the things I mentioned above, but it doesn’t matter. For me, the joy is in having several things in motion at once. It’s an OCD trait for sure, but one of the good traits to have.
I’m Blessed far beyond what I probably deserve.
And so I’m going ahead full-throttle, regardless of the potential failures ahead.
Snowpocalypse and the Fear of Loss. The author remembers a time when fear of loss would cripple his mental capacities, and explains how he got over it — mostly.
The Ego OCD Built. The author admits to having an ego that sometimes swells beyond acceptable levels and that OCD is fuel for the fire. Go ahead. Laugh at him.
Fear Factor. The author describes years of living in a cell built by fear, how he broke free and why there’s no turning back.
Prozac Winter. The author discovers that winter makes his depression worse and that there’s a purely scientific explanation — and solution.
Have Fun with Your Therapist. Mental-illness sufferers often avoid therapists because the stigma around these “shrinks” is as thick as that of the disease. The author is here to explain why you shouldn’t fear them.
The Engine. To really understand how mental illness happens, let’s compare the brain to a machine.
Rest Redefined.The author finds that he gets the most relaxation from the things he once feared the most.
Outing Myself. The author on why he chose to “out” himself despite what other people might think.
Why Being a People Pleaser is Dumb. The author used to try very hard to please everybody and was hurt badly in the process. Here’s how he broke free and kept his soul intact.
The Addiction and the Damage Done
The Most Uncool Addiction. In this installment, the author opens up about the binge-eating disorder he tried to hide for years — and how he managed to bring it under control.
Edge of a Relapse. The author comes dangerously close to a relapse, but lives to fight another day.
The 12 Steps of Christmas. The author reviews the 12 Steps of Recovery and takes a personal inventory.
How to Play Your Addictions Like a Piano. The author admits that when an obsessive-compulsive person puts down the addiction that’s most self-destructive, a few smaller addictions rise up to fill the void. But what happens when the money runs out?
Regulating Addictive Food: A Lesson in Futility. As an obsessive-compulsive binge eater, the author feels it’s only proper that he weigh in on the notion that regulating junk food might help. Here’s why the answer is probably not.
The Liar’s Disease. The author reveals an uncomfortable truth about addicts like himself: We tend to have trouble telling the truth.
Portable Recovery. Though addiction will follow the junkie anywhere in the world, the author has discovered that recovery is just as portable.
Revere (Experiences with Addiction, Depression and Loss During The Younger Years)
Bridge Rats and Schoolyard Bullies.The author reviews the imperfections of childhood relationships in search of all his OCD triggers. Along the way, old bullies become friends and he realizes he was pretty damn stupid back then.
Lost Brothers. How the death of an older brother shaped the Hell that arrived later.
Marley and Me.The author describes the second older brother whose death hit harder than that of the first.
The Third Brother. Remembering Peter Sugarman, another adopted brother who died too early — but not before teaching the author some important lessons about life.
The Tire and the Footlocker. The author opens up an old footlocker under the stairs and finds himself back in that old Revere basement.
Child of Metal
How Metal Saved Me. Why Heavy Metal music became a critical OCD coping tool.
Insanity to Recovery in 8 Songs or Less. The author shares some videos that together make a bitchin’ soundtrack for those who wrestle with mental illness and addiction. The first four cover the darkness. The next four cover the light.
Rockit Records Revisited. The author has mentioned Metal music as one of his most important coping tools for OCD and related disorders. Here’s a look at the year he got one of the best therapy sessions ever, simply by working in a cramped little record store.
The Rat in the Church Pew. The author has written much about his Faith as a key to overcoming mental illness. But as this post illustrates, he still has a long way to go in his spiritual development.
Running from Sin, Running With Scissors. The author writes an open letter to the RCIA Class of 2010 about Faith as a journey, not a destination. He warns that addiction, rage and other bad behavior won’t disappear the second water is dropped over their heads.
Forgiveness is a Bitch. Seeking and giving forgiveness is essential for someone in recovery. But it’s often seen as a green light for more abuse.
Pain in the Lent. The author gives a progress report on the Lenten sacrifices. It aint pretty.
Seeking and giving forgiveness is essential to my faith and ability to fight my addictive impulses. But it’s often seen as a green light for more abuse.
Mood music:
For you to understand what I’m about to get into, a review of the 12 Steps of Recovery are in order:
1. We admitted we were powerless over [insert addiction. Here’s mine]—that our lives had become unmanageable.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
There’s a recurring theme that bleeds all over these steps: Forgiveness.
To truly heal and grow, you have to be able to ask others for forgiveness. People like me have to do that, because you hurt a lot of people in a lot of ways when your addictions and mental disorders get the better of you.
I became a nightmare for co-workers, especially during The Eagle-Tribune days, hovering over page editors and treating reporters more like a disease than the wonderful, talented and hard-working souls they were.
I’ve asked for and gotten a lot of forgiveness along the way, but for those of you out there who suffered in my wake over the years, I’ll say here that I’m sorry and ask you too for forgiveness.
Along the way, I’ve done my share of forgiving. I long ago forgave family members I clashed with because of abusive relationships. Unfortunately, giving forgiveness isn’t always enough to end estrangements. I have mine still, and I know I have to work on them. But as a priest once told me, forgiving doesn’t mean you permit someone to flog you anew. You have to do what’s necessary to protect yourself and your immediate family, even if it causes other people additional pain along the way. Obviously, I’ll have to seek more forgiveness from people as time moves along.
Much has been made of the evils that were allowed to take place in the Catholic Church for all those years, horrendous wrongs that blew up in the Church’s face by 2002 with the priest sex abuse scandal.
I’ve been asked more than once how I could be a devout Catholic given what’s happened. My answer is that my Faith is in God directly. There will always be bad seeds latching onto religious and governmental orders. We all sin. The resulting hurt and anger causes people to abandon their faith.
My direct faith in God doesn’t hinge on the politics that swirl around religion.
I also believe that those who have done wrong deserve a shot at redemption like the rest of us. They need to seek forgiveness, and we need to be willing to give it.
That doesn’t mean freeing molesters from prison. Priests who preyed on children must be punished. Forgiveness and justice are not the same thing.
Susan Atkins and Charles “Tex” Watson, two of Charles Manson’s most ardent followers in 1969, participated in the murder of Sharon Tate and four others. Tex, in fact, got the most blood on his hands. Both of them eventually renounced Manson and their own deeds and turned to God in prison, as did the other key murderers. Watson has run a ministry from prison. Atkins died last year, and in her final weeks sought a release from prison so she could die at home. Her request was denied. That was appropriate. She could be forgiven for what she did, but in the end she helped commit a savage crime. Justice means she had to die in prison, regardless of forgiveness.
Now, going back to the Church, I read something this week that really hit me in the gut. It was an open letter from Pittsburgh Bishop David A. Zubik, read as part of a “Service of Apology.” It was the most powerful request for forgiveness I’ve seen in a very long time.
I end this post by sharing it with you:
I stand before you tonight as Shepherd of the Church of Pittsburgh and embrace the presence of each of you, women and men, who come here tonight showing by your presence that somewhere, sometime in your life you have been hurt by someone who was entrusted to represent Jesus and His Church, but failed to do so. Some of you have already expressed your hurt; for many others of you, you do so this night by your being here. You call me, as leader of the Church of Pittsburgh, to not only not forget the sins of those who have hurt you, but you charge me with the need to continue to work to secure that the sins not happen again.
As I stand before you, I see also the face of Christ, the Jesus who met Peter on the seashore, confronting Peter’s betrayal. Your very presence here tonight both painful and trusting, confronts the need for the Church to ask forgiveness from you and the opportunity to renew your trust in the Church as Jesus renewed His trust in Peter.
To those of you who looked for the compassion of Christ in the sacrament of Penance but found only scolding and harsh judgment in return—I ask you, the Church asks you, for forgiveness.
To those of you who found sacred moments in your life and the life of your family (baptisms, weddings, funerals) met with callous, heartless, unfeeling, un-Christian-like attention to your need—I ask you, the Church asks you, for forgiveness.
To those of you who are here tonight who have in any way been the victims of any abuse, sexual or otherwise, whether as a child or as an adult, or as a parent, or sibling, or friend who shared in the pain of that someone you love—I ask you, the Church asks you, for forgiveness.
To those of you who came to the Church, rightly expecting her to help you understand the rich tradition of our teachings and traditions, but met with a less than half-hearted response—I ask you, the Church asks you, for forgiveness.
To those of you who have been hurt by the poor judgment of others entrusted with leadership—I ask you, the Church asks you, for forgiveness.
To those of you who believed in the Church to be a voice against prejudice but found, rather, a deafening silence—I ask you, the Church asks you, for forgiveness.
To those of you who looked to the leaders of the Church—lay, religious or ordained—to give good example but met, rather, with a philosophy that said: “Do as I say, not as I do,”—I ask you, the Church asks you, for forgiveness.
To those of you who needed the Church to be with you in sickness, in grief, in trauma, in turmoil, but found her representatives to be too busy—I ask you, the Church asks you, for forgiveness.
To those of you who have offered your talents for the mission of the Church, but experienced an injustice in the Church’s workplace—I ask you, the Church asks you, for forgiveness.
For whatever ways any representative of the Church has hurt, offended, dismissed, ignored, any one of you—I ask you, the Church asks you, for forgiveness.
For any ways that I personally, as your Bishop, whether in speech or deed, by omission and commission, have disappointed, not heard, or dismissed you, I ask you for your forgiveness.
I don’t know these people very well, and I never met the woman they are now grieving over. But given the road I’ve traveled, I wanted to say something that might be helpful. Here goes…
You’re probably feeling kicked in the guts by this. You may have known your friend was depressed, even suicidal, but it never really clicked in your brain that this friend would actually DO IT.
Now you’re beating yourself over it because you’re certain that you saw the signs in hindsight and should have done something to help this person. You feel you weren’t the friend you should have been. Or brother. Or sister. Or parent.
Your brain is spinning like an old record, skipping as you replay the last few months in your head, over and over again. “How could you have missed the signs?” you ask yourself.
As everyone in your circle second guesses themselves, tensions and hard feelings bubble to the surface.
It can be too much to absorb. And the hurt will be there for a long time.
But things will get better. They always do.
Here are some of the things I’ve learned in the nearly 14 years since my friend’s death:
–Blaming yourself is pointless. No matter how many times you replay events in your mind, the fact is that it’s not your fault. For one thing, it’s impossible to get into the head of someone who is contemplating suicide. Sure, there are signs, but since we all get the blues sometimes, it’s very easy to dismiss the signs as something close to normal. When someone is loud in contemplating suicide, it’s usually a cry for help. When the depressed says nothing and even appears OK, it’s usually because they’ve made their decision and are in the quiet, planning stages.
–Blaming each other is even more pointless. Take it from me: Nerves in your circle of family and friends are so raw right now that it won’t take much for relationships to snap into pieces. A week after my friend’s death I wrote a column about it, revealing what in hindsight was too much detail. His family was furious and most of them haven’t talked to me since. They feel I was exploiting his death to advance my writing career and get attention. I was pretty screwed up back then, so they’re probably right. In any event, I don’t blame them for hating me. What I’ve learned, and this is tough to admit, is that you’re going to have to let it go when the finger pointing starts. It’s better not to engage the other side. Nobody is in their right mind at this point, so go easy on each other. Give people space to make their errors in judgment and learn from it.
–Don’t demonize the dead. When a friend takes their life, one of the things that gnaws at the survivors is the notion that — if there is a Heaven and Hell — those who kill themselves are doomed to the latter. I’m a devout Catholic, so you can bet your ass this one has gone through my mind. What I’ve learned though, through my own experiences in the years since, is that depression is a clinical disease. When you are mentally ill, your brain isn’t firing on all thrusters. You engage in self-destructive behavior even though you understand the consequences. A person thinking about suicide is not operating on a sane, normally-functioning mind. So to demonize someone for taking their own life is pointless. To demonize the person, you have to assume they were in their right mind at the time of the act. And you know they weren’t. My practice today is to simply pray for those people, that their souls will still be redeemed and they will know peace. It’s really the best you can do.
— Break the stigma. One of the friends left behind in this latest tragedy has already done something that honors her friend’s life: She went on Facebook and directed people toward the American Association of Suicidology website, specifically the page on knowing the warning signs. That’s a great example of doing something to honor your friend’s memory instead of sitting around second guessing yourself. The best thing to do now is educate people on the disease so that sufferers can help themselves and friends and family can really be of service.
–On with your own life. Nobody will blame you for not being yourself for awhile. You have, after all, just experienced one of the worst tragedies there is. But try not to let it paralyze you. Life must go on. You have to get on with your work and be there for those around you.
Don’t take what I’ve just said as Gospel. It’s based on my own experience and no two experiences are the same. But if there was something in there that’s helpful, then I’m grateful.
Since starting this blog, I’ve been hearing a lot from parents. They’ve read about the trials of my own childhood, see things in their own children that cause worry, and want my advice.
Parents I’ve talked to have kids with clinical mental disorders right now, whether it’s OCD or ADD.
If your child is among them and is seeing a good therapist — and if you as a parent are doing everything possible to help the child through it, you are already doing the right thing and don’t need advice from me.
If there’s turmoil in your house that is difficult on a child — divorce, abuse from the other parent or from someone outside the family, a recent death, a serious illness — that’s stuff I can relate to, but even there no two experiences are the same.
Here’s the good news, though. Very good news:
The understanding and treatment methods for mental disorders are head and shoulders over what was available when I was a kid. Back then, kids with emotional problems were often written off as troublemakers or “slow.” Not in every case, but more so than what we have today.
I remember, back at Theodore Roosevelt Elementary School, being put in a special class with other kids. The troubles were mixed. A couple of us were way behind in our reading skills and needed extra help. A couple others were prone to wild behavior.
Looking back, we probably had a mix of problems that weren’t the best fit for that kind of class. I don’t fault the teachers and administrators, some of whom are good friends today. I think they did the very best they could with the information they had back then.
Today the information is much clearer, the action items much more solid and targeted to the child’s specific needs.
Parents are given better direction on things to do at home.
Medication is much more effective.
As a result, you don’t have nearly as many kids being written off as damaged goods. In that sense, this is a great time to be a parent.
I also consider myself pretty lucky because the work I’ve done on my own problems has made me a better parent. When my children go through some difficulty, I have the mental muscle and coping tools to share with them.
If you think your child is suffering from mental illness, don’t come to me first. Talk to a doctor first. Your child will more often than not be led to the right kind of help that only trained professionals can give.
Then, after you’ve done all that, I’m happy to share some war stories. Sharing is what I have to give, but it’s always going to be colored by my own strange history.
But this much I can tell you:
If your child might be having mental health issues or you’ve just found out he/she does, be patient. That child is going to need a lot of positive reinforcement and some days it’ll take every scrap of strength you have. It’ll tire you out, which makes you more prone to yelling and throwing up your arms in frustration.
Remember that you can’t take care of your children unless you take care of yourself. That means eating properly, getting enough sleep and avoiding self-destructive behavior at all costs.
Take it from me: If you have addictions and let them run wild in an attempt to comfort yourself, you will be an absolutely shitty parent and spouse.
These things can put a marriage through the test as well, but if you make a point of having the frequent “date night” with your other half, your chances of surviving increase substantially.
You also have to take some time every day to get quiet time with your spouse. I can’t take credit for that revelation, though. I learned that one from my wife.
If you don’t have a hobby or other form of relaxation, you need to find one, because that will also help you cope. For some it might be model-ship building or surfing. For me, it’s Heavy Metal and History.
And here’s the most important thing: You need to have Faith. The saying “Let Go and Let God” is something I love.
It doesn’t mean give up, stop trying, go lie in the corner and let God sort it out.
To me, it means accepting that you can’t control most of the chaos around you, but for those of us with Faith, there’s peace in the foregone conclusion that the Man has a plan, and if you trust Him it’s all going to work out.
Call that crazy if you will. But my experience is that it’s true. And experience is all I have to share here.
Once in awhile, I like to flag other people’s blogs for you to check out. Because it’s not always about me, despite what my OCD-laden mind often tells me.
I’m reading the following blogs a lot these days because each offers a unique slice of life. Let’s begin:
Scorpionic — This is my favorite blog of late, because the writing is raw and edgy, just the way I like it. It’s written by my old Rockit Records chum Christian Campagna. Man, we had a lot of fun in that record store.
I remember him chewing tobacco and spitting it into a glass juice bottle and smoking cigarettes at the front door of the store when we should have been inside organizing merchandise and such. Fast forward to his blog.
He’s been living in California and writes a lot about his longing to be back home in Boston. Fortunately for those of us on the homefront, he’s moving back for good at month’s end. His blog includes a lot of photos and narrative about his cross-country travels, which the traveler in me really loves.
Conquering “Crazy” — This recent discovery is written by Greg Dungan. Like my OCD Diaries, Greg’s blog is a recent start-up. He focuses like a laser beam on the core craziness as he experiences it. It reads more like an actual day-by-day diary, whereas mine is more a collection of longer narratives with a lot of focus on the byproducts of my affliction.
Like me, music is important to him, and he is also a seeker who is trying to find the core of his spirituality. I especially love his first entry, “OK, So I’m Crazy.” Here’s an excerpt:
“I have exhibited symptoms of OCD for as long as I can remember. Recently, these symptoms have intensified. What used to be the “things that make me unique” have become the “things that make me crazy”. This blog is about my struggle with this demon. This is where I will record my day to day thoughts and struggles – my defeats and my victories. I have two choices at this point in my life – roll over and die or fight my way out. I’ve never been one for rolling over and I’m not about to start now.
“You’re welcome to walk this valley with me. If you are living with OCD or if someone you love is, take heart. There are brighter days somewhere, and we will find them together.”
Brighter days ahead? You bet your ass there are.
Reassembler — I feel a little weird about including this because the author is my boss, CSO Editor-In-Chief Derek Slater. Including it here can easily be interpreted as sucking up. But here me out: Few people suffer more at the hands of my OCD-driven, overbearing personality than Derek Slater. I constantly force my music down his throat. I’m stubborn about my work. The least I could do for this poor soul is give his personal blog a mention.
Kidding aside, this is a great blog for those who love cooking, chess and the writing craft itself. To truly appreciate the flavor of this blog, check out what some readers have to say on the homepage:
Encomia for Reassembler
“This move is so bad I didn’t even consider it.” – Anonymous “You have departed from reality.” – J. Gallant“…I was put off by the variety of topics…” – H. Reed“Your blog…should not be read.” – L.E. Product
“It makes me angry!” – S. Pawn
“You’re kind of all over the place.” – M.Kaprielian
“Bummer.” – Anonymous Greg
“I read your blog and read and read, and finally I just said…I don’t get it.” – B.Brown
“We love the disinterest.” – M. Phelps
By the way,my favorite profile photo on all of Facebook is of derek getting an ass-whooping at chess.
Veritate et Virtute — This blog is written by Christopher Burgess, a director and senior security advisor for Cisco. Chris writes about security in another blog on CSOonline.com, but this blog is his personal space, where you really get a glimpse into his heart.
He recently wrote a post about human sex trafficking and the impact on children:
“Nevada, is infamous as the only state in the United States which has legalized prostitution, and thus when one hears of prostitution and Las Vegas, its far too often a ho-hum affair. Not a good mix, by any measure when it comes to the prospects for our children. You see, there is one other distinction enjoyed by Nevada, it is one of the primary destinations within the United States for trafficked and sexually exploited children. With the knowledge that the average age at the beginning of the exploitation is 12 years of age, we need to be concerned and we need to pay attention, regardless of where we reside.”
He has also been a staunch fighter in the war against childhood hunger. My parental side can’t help but like the guy.
Run DMZ — I’ve already made my affection for Anne Saita clear in my “Office Mom” post. She was my boss at SearcghSecurity at a pivitol moment in my life, when my fight against OCD began in earnest. If she weren’t my boss at that critical moment, I’m not so sure I’d be where I am today. Putting all that aside, her blog is a fantastic read for anyone who has an interest in running, health, family and friendship. The woman knows how to live, and she could teach you a few things.
The author watched Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory for the first time since cleaning up from a binge eating disorder. What a trip.
Yesterday the rain was coming down sideways, so the Brenner clan decided to put in a DVD of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. It’s still a great movie, but since my main troubles with addictive behavior stem from flour and sugar, which I gave up on Oct. 1, 2008, watching it this time was kind of weird.
Weird because I didn’t sneak out of the house afterward to buy $20 worth of candy to stuff down my throat on the 3-minute drive from the gas station back to the house. I just went to fill the cars with gas and buy a loaf of bread and some Red Bull.
The scene in the film which best fits a mind unhinged is where they are traveling the chocolate river on a boat:
Looking at the characters in the movie really reminded me of the multiple personalities I can have as an addict. Those kids were punks as individuals and got what they deserved.
Now, for a little fun, let’s squish them all into one, multi-personality monster and see what we get. By the time we finish, you’ll get a pretty good idea of what one person is like when their addictions run wild.
Charlie Bucket: This is the good side of the soul, the part that wants to be honest and do the right thing. For me, this side won out in the end — well, for now, at least — but being the quiet, well-behaved kid, he’s always in danger of being pushed to the back of the line by these wretched children:
Violet Beauregarde: The third kid to find one of Wonka‘s elusive Golden Tickets, this little scamp is a compulsive gum chewer. That compulsion gets the better of her and she blows up into a giant blueberry. Been there, done that.
Augustus Gloop: The Deadly Sin of Gluttony personified, this poor kid is encouraged to eat like a slob by his parents, who are just as devoted to their own binging habits. Hell, his old man eats the top of a microphone and doesn’t seem to notice. The kid takes it too far by shoving his bloated face in Wonka’s chocolate river.
Mike Teavee: I know this kid. He lives for TV, especially the violent programs where a lot of bullets are flying. His parents sit there and let him indulge. Now blend him with Augustus and Violet and you get a kid who sits in front of the tube shoving all kinds of junk down his throat.
Veruca Salt: This kid is so selfish and mean that you want to spill tears of joy when she goes down the garbage chute with the rest of the rotten eggs. I like to think of her as the glue that holds the rest of the beast together. The other kids make up the guts of the poor soul who is owned by his or her addictions. Veruca is the skin.
What makes the movie so great is that Charlie comes out on top. It’s a dream of most people to have the good triumph over evil.
In this movie it does.
In my own life, it has.
But I have to be on guard at all times because, contrary to what Wonka says at the end of the movie, the guy who gets everything he wants DOES NOT live happily ever after.
You’re always seconds away from letting Veruca or Violet back out.
The good news is that if you are truly serious about being well, there’s no shortage of loving souls who will stick with you and keep you on the path to Heaven.
You might loop back through Hell a few times along the way, but you’ll end up in the better place if you keep working at it.
Now that I’ve come down from the morning cranks (mostly), my musical taste has shifted to something a bit left of zany. Allow me to share because, well, it is my blog:
Spinal Tap: “Big Bottoms” (I swear, one day this will be the opening music for my weekly security podcast).
OK, so I’m not in the best mood this morning. Daylight-savings-time is messing with me, as are the kids. The rain that’s been pelting the windows all night disturbed my sleep, as did my getting sent to the couch for snoring too loud.
None of it can really be attributed to OCD behavior. This is simply life, and the mood will pass after I’ve been to Church and we’re buried under blankets this afternoon watching “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.” Sean just read “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,” so it’s time to break out both films.
First, though, I need to gargle more coffee and play some angst music. Angst music is perfect for a mood like this. So let me share what I’m listening to this morning…
The author has learned that it’s damn hard to like yourself at the beginning of sobriety and abstinence. The feeling will pass. Eventually.
Mood music:
http://youtu.be/TP06kxW_M3I
A friend and fellow 12-Stepper just hit a major milestone in her recovery: 90 days of abstinence. In the world of compulsive overeating, think of this as 90 days of back-to-back sobriety.
She worked hard for this and has every reason to be bursting with joy. Yet she’s uneasy.
She doesn’t feel quite right in her skin.
She’s going through something a lot of us go through when we kick our addictions. To call it self hatred might be a stretch. I don’t think she dislikes herself. But now that her mind is clear of the intoxicating haze, she sees things about herself that she doesn’t like. She’s suddenly aware for the first time that she has some flaws that are tough to look at in the mirror.
For a lot of people, it can become a matter of self hatred. It certainly did for me.
Truth be told, I disliked myself way before I cleaned up.
I hated how I looked. I thought I was the crappiest son/sibling/friend on the face of the Earth. Certain relatives would tell me just that, and I believed them. There’s no question that I was a lousy friend when my best friend, Sean Marley, was sinking into depression and I was too worried about my career to notice.
Even though my mental illness included a lot of fear and anxiety over getting sick or dying, I did a pretty good job of trying to kill myself. Not in a suicidal way. Not deliberately. But in the end, addiction is a compulsion — an ache — to repeat dangerous behavior even though you know what the likely consequences are.
It’s the weirdest irony there is.
But when you start to fight your demon head-on, you do become super-aware of your own vulnerabilities. For awhile, I became paralyzed by mine. Then I figured out how to get beyond it. But it took a lot of dirty work.
In his book, “Symptoms of Withdrawal,” Christopher Kennedy Lawford writes that after he kicked drugs in 1986, it still took him awhile to actually become a good person.
Those around him weren’t always happy he was sober, especially since that meant he couldn’t make the cocktails at family gatherings like he used to.
He writes about having to learn how to be a decent human being and be clean at the same time. You would think it’s easy. But it’s not.
In the book, Lawford writes:
“There is another great fiction of recovery — that is, once you stop using your life becomes a bed of roses. Anybody who has stayed sober for any length of time knows that living sober is about learning to live life on life’s terms and a good part of life is painful. When I got sober someone said to me that I would get to realize all my greatest fears in sobriety … You know what? He was right, and it’s not half as bad as I imagined.”
The man speaks the truth. And, by the way, I highly recommend his book to anyone struggling with addiction as well as the clean up:
I had a lot to learn, and I’m still learning. Learning how to be completely honest with my wife and drop my emotional wall was hard. I’m much better at it than I used to be, but I still have a lot of work to do there.
Being more disciplined with money is something I need to be better at. After all, spending is also an addictive behavior.
The list goes on.
But while the work goes on — and will continue to go on — there’s an important point to be made.
Somewhere along the way, I learned to like myself.
Today, I can honestly say I’m happy with the man I’ve become, even if I’m still pretty damn far from perfect.
But then perfect people don’t exist. If they did, they’d be pretty boring.
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