Depression

Tension Mounts, On With The Body Count

by Bill Brenner March 7, 2011 Addiction

My editing background noise this afternoon is the first album from Body Count, the metal band with Ice-T on vocals. Some of it is uncomfortable to listen to. But, truth be told, I absolutely adored this album back in 1992. Mood music: Listening to it now, I shake my head at the liberal use of the N-word. I hate that word. But because an African American was singing it, the 22-year-old me thought it was…  [Read More]

When The Grass is Greener on Your Side

by Bill Brenner March 4, 2011 Addiction

I had an eventful trip to the therapist this morning. I had a migraine and was trying hard not to puke all over his nice blue carpet. There was couple’s counseling going on in the office next door, and the walls seemed awfully thin. You could hear pretty much everything, including the wife going into a rage at her husband. Their therapist seemed to be making a valiant effort to hold it all together. My…  [Read More]

Vince Neil Makes Me Sick

by Bill Brenner March 2, 2011 Addiction

Updated Dec. 20, 2011: Vince Neil suggested in an interview that he might leave Motley Crue next year. Maybe they’ll let John Corabi back in. I always liked the album he did with them… I’m a big Motley Crue fan. Their music helped me process all the anger of my teens and in adulthood Nikki Sixx’s story of sobriety inspired me to take a long, hard look in the mirror. But as I watch a…  [Read More]

We Need Routines, Part 2

by Bill Brenner February 28, 2011 Addiction

Here’s one reason February has been such a bitch: My routine has been so far off the rails that it has been hard to keep my perspective. It hurts the whole family-work dynamic. For a person in recovery, routines are beyond huge. Mood music: [youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YzKLRM-pr4&fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0] Being the restless, boredom-shunning soul that I am, I always look forward to the next trip. I always miss my wife and children during these outings, but it’s also good to…  [Read More]

Learning to Adapt and Liking It. Maybe

by Bill Brenner February 24, 2011 Coping tools

Of all the things I’ve always been considered pretty good at — writing, drawing, etc. — one of the things I’ve never appreciated enough is my ability to adapt. Mood music: [youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Bh7eE3zW2c&fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0] When OCD is out of control, adapting to change is pure hell. You want everything just so, in just the right amount and the right amount of order. Change anything and the person who loses control goes into a tailspin. But in…  [Read More]

Search and Destroy

by Bill Brenner February 20, 2011 Addiction

In the haze of my sickness of recent days, I’ve been listening to a lot of music. It’s not like I can do much else. This afternoon, I’ve turned my obsessions over to The Stooges. Mood music: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFfnAvqf1pw&fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0] The opening lines to “Search and Destroy” drag me kicking and screaming back to the mid 1980s, when destruction was my idea of a job well done. I’m a street walking cheetah with a heart full of…  [Read More]

Something Broke

by Bill Brenner February 20, 2011 Depression

Day four of being sick. I’ve been bouncing from couch to chair to bed, looking for a place to be comfortable. I’ve been sleeping a lot. It’s a helpless kind of feeling. Mood music: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dsp6jfzNGk8&fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0] The other day I wrote about covering the RSA security conference in 2005 with a fever and coming home broken. This was something of a repeat performance. Some people relish the opportunity to lie around and do nothing. I hate…  [Read More]

A Look In The Mirror

by Bill Brenner February 19, 2011 Depression

Written in early 2011, after one of my more spectacular failures as a husband and human being. I’ve been dealing with a pretty sour mood in recent days. This post is my attempt to explain it all. The other day, I wrote a post called “When the Truth is a Lie” and a lot of you commented that I’m too hard on myself. I appreciate that, but I don’t think I was being as open…  [Read More]

Well, That Was Stupid

by Bill Brenner February 16, 2011 Depression

Almost every time I visit the therapist, right after he asks if I’m taking the same Prozac dosage as I was at the last visit, he glares at me through his glasses and says: “Remember, never put yourself in a position where you run out.” Mood music: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRat644_o_k&fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0] Those words ring through my head every time I travel. I’m always paranoid about it and the first thing I do when packing is put the pills…  [Read More]

When Honesty Is A Lie

by Bill Brenner February 16, 2011 Addiction

I’ve figured out another reason for my sour mood in recent days, and now is as good a time as any to get it off my chest. Mood music: A lot of people have been coming up to me here in San Francisco praising me for being “so honest, open and courageous” in this blog. It was a similar thing when I was in Washington D.C. for ShmooCon a couple weeks ago. I appreciate those…  [Read More]

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