Fear and anxiety

Mister Rogers’ Mother Was Right

by Bill Brenner March 14, 2011 Children's issues

Say what you will about Mister Rogers. His speech and mannerisms may stop being cool after you hit puberty, but the lessons he taught are timeless and ageless. My friend Olivia Gatti shared this quote from Mr. Rogers on Facebook awhile back: When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” To this day,…  [Read More]

Sympathy for the Unsympathetic

by Bill Brenner March 8, 2011 Addiction

I tend to get a lot of mail from people who read this blog, particularly the stuff about the rougher parts of my life. God Bless ’em, because they’re good people who want to buck me up. But I think they misunderstand where I’m coming from sometimes. Mood music: [youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvJGQ_piwI0&fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0] There are days when my posts cross over to darker territory, especially when a wave of depression or OCD moment hits. I also do…  [Read More]

The Agony of Awards

by Bill Brenner March 5, 2011 Adventures in writing

This will seem strange to some of you, maybe even ungrateful and insulting — but lately I’m looking at some of my old writing awards with disdain. I should be proud of those awards. I earned them. But every time I look at them, it’s another reminder of just how fucked up I used to be. We need reminders so we don’t repeat the same mistakes, but some memories are best left in the trash…  [Read More]

When The Grass is Greener on Your Side

by Bill Brenner March 4, 2011 Addiction

I had an eventful trip to the therapist this morning. I had a migraine and was trying hard not to puke all over his nice blue carpet. There was couple’s counseling going on in the office next door, and the walls seemed awfully thin. You could hear pretty much everything, including the wife going into a rage at her husband. Their therapist seemed to be making a valiant effort to hold it all together. My…  [Read More]

Crohn’s Disease and Metallica

by Bill Brenner March 4, 2011 Coping tools

Yesterday was the 25th anniversary of Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” album. Which reminds me: It’s nearly the 25th anniversary of my last major attack of Crohn’s Disease. Mood music: [youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQbPqINoSlc&fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0] It might seem bat-shit crazy of me to intertwine these two things, but the fact is that the “Master of Puppets” album is probably what helped me get through that attack. That, and the book “Helter Skelter.” I read that book twice as I…  [Read More]

We Need Routines, Part 2

by Bill Brenner February 28, 2011 Addiction

Here’s one reason February has been such a bitch: My routine has been so far off the rails that it has been hard to keep my perspective. It hurts the whole family-work dynamic. For a person in recovery, routines are beyond huge. Mood music: [youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YzKLRM-pr4&fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0] Being the restless, boredom-shunning soul that I am, I always look forward to the next trip. I always miss my wife and children during these outings, but it’s also good to…  [Read More]

Learning to Adapt and Liking It. Maybe

by Bill Brenner February 24, 2011 Coping tools

Of all the things I’ve always been considered pretty good at — writing, drawing, etc. — one of the things I’ve never appreciated enough is my ability to adapt. Mood music: [youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Bh7eE3zW2c&fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0] When OCD is out of control, adapting to change is pure hell. You want everything just so, in just the right amount and the right amount of order. Change anything and the person who loses control goes into a tailspin. But in…  [Read More]

Search and Destroy

by Bill Brenner February 20, 2011 Addiction

In the haze of my sickness of recent days, I’ve been listening to a lot of music. It’s not like I can do much else. This afternoon, I’ve turned my obsessions over to The Stooges. Mood music: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFfnAvqf1pw&fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0] The opening lines to “Search and Destroy” drag me kicking and screaming back to the mid 1980s, when destruction was my idea of a job well done. I’m a street walking cheetah with a heart full of…  [Read More]

When Honesty Is A Lie

by Bill Brenner February 16, 2011 Addiction

I’ve figured out another reason for my sour mood in recent days, and now is as good a time as any to get it off my chest. Mood music: A lot of people have been coming up to me here in San Francisco praising me for being “so honest, open and courageous” in this blog. It was a similar thing when I was in Washington D.C. for ShmooCon a couple weeks ago. I appreciate those…  [Read More]

RSA 2005 (Fool in the Rain)

by Bill Brenner February 14, 2011 Fear and anxiety

As I cover RSA Conference 2011, I can’t help but think back to my first RSA trip in 2005. This isn’t about security trends then and now. It’s about my state of mind back then. Mood music (because I was listening to this one a lot back then): [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGshAiRp64Q&fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0] I had been writing for SearchSecurity.com for less than a year, and I was in the middle stages of an emotional breakdown. I just didn’t know…  [Read More]

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