Mental health

The Christmas Dispirit

by Bill Brenner December 14, 2010 Depression

Yesterday was a day for vicious mood swings. It started on a high note at work. I got a lot done and I’m loving this new newsy focus we’re transitioning to. But by the drive home, my mood grew as dark as the sky. Mood music: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIaXYIEQivk&fs=1&hl=en_US] Things got progressively worse at home. Sean and Duncan were high maintenance and I let it get to me much more than I usually do. I started thinking…  [Read More]

The Diagnosis

by Bill Brenner December 12, 2010 Mental disorders

A lot of readers have been asking me about when exactly I was diagnosed with OCD and how I reacted to it. Did it drive me into a deeper depression? Did I worry about being misdiagnosed? Let’s see if I can retrace those moments… Mood music: [spotify:track:4bKGlkCUp5hBEVT14oifgI] The diagnosis was slow in coming, though I always assumed I had what I had. When I first started getting help in 2004, that first therapist resisted giving…  [Read More]

The Rudolph Conspiracy

by Bill Brenner December 9, 2010 Lighthearted

I just got done watching a pretty warped video on YouTube that merges “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer” with “Full Metal Jacket.” It got me thinking about what that kid’s Christmas special says about society. I always get a kick out of how Santa is portrayed in this one. He’s the typical asshole authority figure, shaming someone because they’re different. He’s cranky. He’s feeling the pressure. I’ve always related to this guy. Then there’s the lead…  [Read More]

Christmas Doesn’t Suck Like It Used To

by Bill Brenner December 8, 2010 Depression

The Christmas season remains an uncomfortable time of year for me. I’m used to going into a deep depression the second December starts. But something’s different this year. For the first time in a long time, I’m not dreading it. Mood music: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GNtipSggWY&fs=1&hl=en_US] Life isn’t perfect. It never will be. Not supposed to be. But I’m finally starting to move past the idea that Christmas is supposed to always be perfect, sparkling and free of…  [Read More]

Thinking in Absolutes: A Bad Idea

by Bill Brenner December 5, 2010 Communication Skills

One of the problems with a mind laden with OCD is that you think a lot in absolutes. It’s one of the first things you need to stop doing when you finally decide to get help. But six years in, I still haven’t conquered that beast. Mood music: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CpRCc4Jre8&fs=1&hl=en_US] Thinking in absolutes when your in a good mood is dangerous because you tend to think you’re so much better than you really are. Example: Someone…  [Read More]

Friends in Crisis

by Bill Brenner December 3, 2010 Communication Skills

I have a few friends who are in crisis these days, making my own struggles seem trivial. Talking to them is a lot like living in the Twilight Zone. I’m used to being self absorbed. Mood music: [spotify:track:7bv9wNXN3FHKMRTMdi48fL] I have to admit something: I’m not that good at being there for others. Lord knows I try, but I get so stuck in my own head sometimes that it’s hard to see what’s happening around me….  [Read More]

Readings From The Book Of Crap

by Bill Brenner December 1, 2010 Communication Skills

I’ve noticed a sad phenomena in the halls of recovery. And I’ve had just about enough of it. Mood music: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=60J6HlvfePM&fs=1&hl=en_US] A lot of my 12-Step brothers and sisters have a saying: “I’m taking inventory.” It’s supposed to be about reflecting on your own growth and behavior. But it’s really about trash talking other people. One person is doing too much of it lately. Everyone who walks into an OA, AA or NA meeting is a little…  [Read More]

Feeling anxious

by Bill Brenner December 1, 2010 Fear and anxiety

No, it’s not an anxiety attack. It’s not fear. But it’s a feeling of anxiousness I haven’t felt in a long while. The trigger is an old friend. Mood music: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZvxHFmKl_Qo&fs=1&hl=en_US] I used to live in a constant state of panic over work. The constant fear of not measuring up or being liked. A couple years ago I largely lost those fears. I just decided to do the best I could for me and let…  [Read More]

Sleep

by Bill Brenner November 26, 2010 Gratitude

Thanks to a strict food plan I follow to keep the binge-eating disorder in its box, I’m not walking around a bloated mess like I used to. Instead, I gorged on something else yesterday. Mood music: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axzRdFOYpqg&fs=1&hl=en_US] I napped in the morning, I napped in the afternoon and I have no regrets. I’ve always had an interesting relationship with sleep. Back when I was slowly destroying myself, I would fall asleep at all the wrong…  [Read More]

Pounding the Reset Button

by Bill Brenner November 24, 2010 Mental disorders

I mentioned Monday that I’ve hit a wall in my recovery program. Last night I decided some changes are in order. Mood music: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9F8QM3tjkTE&fs=1&hl=en_US] Making changes is a bitch. It’s almost like admitting failure. I haven’t failed on the big things. I’ve held on to my abstinence and sobriety. But in a lot of areas I’ve gotten sloppy. A collection of tiny failures can add up. I’ve gotten bored with my current plan, and as…  [Read More]

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