OCD

My Brain Is On The Pavement. But At Least I Showered

by Bill Brenner September 9, 2011 Addiction

It’s hard to pinpoint the moment my recovery started getting wobbly and I started getting sloppy. I don’t know if it’s fully accurate to call this a relapse, but it’s pretty damn close. Mood music: One thing is certain: I’m in a shaky place lately, and this is as good a place to sort things out. Talking is always better, but sometimes I have to write it. I’ve been very tired lately, and in my…  [Read More]

A 9-11 Obsession

by Bill Brenner September 2, 2011 Mental disorders

It happens every time the calendar rolls into September. I start watching documentaries about 9-11-01 and can’t stop. Mood music: Most people do this in the days leading up to a 9-11 anniversary, but for me there’s the OCD element, where after I watch something I can’t stop thinking about it. I’ll forget the rest of the world exists and just replay the scenes in my head over and over again. I’ve been like this…  [Read More]

Screw Hurricane Irene. Let’s Rock!

by Bill Brenner August 26, 2011 Children's issues

On my facebook wall, an old friend, Taimee Leary Scarpa, posted this: “Hope you have a happy birthday. Hope you are able to fit in some fun before you start taping your windows for Hurricane Irene, lol.” She was referring to the events I described in the post “Fear and Duct Tape.” Truth be told, Hurricanes stopped scaring me some time ago. Learning to ditch the fear and anxiety of my younger years is the main…  [Read More]

41 Years

by Bill Brenner August 26, 2011 Addiction

Some people get depressed on their birthday. Not me. The fact that I turn 41 today is a freak of nature. But a year into my forties, I know I have more cleaning up to do. Mood music: Item: When I was sick with the Crohn’s Disease as a kid, I lost a lot of blood and developed several side ailments. I’m told by my parents that the doctor’s were going to remove the colon more than…  [Read More]

A Call From My Mother

by Bill Brenner August 25, 2011 Children's issues

It’s Wednesday morning. I’m working from home, face behind the computer. My kids and two neighborhood kids are tearing though the house, overturning everything in sight. Then the phone rings. Mood music: “It’s been five years,” the voice on the other end says. “Can’t we fix this?” It’s my mother. I saw her at my cousin’s wedding two weeks ago but we largely avoided contact. We’re six years into an estrangement that I think is…  [Read More]

You Can’t Be Everyone’s Friend

by Bill Brenner August 24, 2011 Adventures in writing

I once wrote about an obsession with the Facebook friend count. I worried about offending people who de-friended me. Lately I realize it’s ok if I can’t be everyone’s friend. I’m even warming to the idea. Mood music: I’ve always had this stupid idea that I needed to be everyone’s friend. Even when I was bullying someone, I’d turn around and try to be their friend. I always wanted everyone in my family to like…  [Read More]

Cold Turkey Has Got Me On The Run

by Bill Brenner August 22, 2011 Addiction

More than a week after I quit smoking cold turkey, I’m pissed off. It pisses me off that other people can enjoy a drink or two, the occasional cigar or feast without letting it take over everything else in their lives. Mood music from the debut EP of Pull Trouble From The Fire: [soundcloud url=”http://soundcloud.com/pulltroublefromthefire/06-dead-wait”] It pisses me off that I have to learn to behave and pretend I don’t wish I had some of…  [Read More]

I Pet My Peeves Until They Become Triggers

by Bill Brenner August 21, 2011 Addiction

I really hate all those pre-written, self-righteous Facebook posts. I told Erin I was going to write a post flaming all those stupid sayings. Mood music: “Tell me what that has to do with OCD?” she asked, giving me that stare she gives me when she’s certain that I’m full of shit. “It’s a trigger,” I said, not really meaning it. “It’s not a trigger. It’s a peeve. You going to go pet it now?”…  [Read More]

I Need A Lot Of Gum. And Maybe A Gun

by Bill Brenner August 19, 2011 Addiction

It’s been one week since I have smoked a cigarette or a cigar. The itch is gone but the crankiness is not. Mood music: I’m finding some relief in gum. But now I’m starting to think crazy thoughts about it. Behold: I find myself wondering if there are websites that sell exotic types of gum. I’m sure there are, though I haven’t looked yet. Beer-flavored gum? Cigar-flavored gum? Rum-flavored gum? The crazy thinking goes something…  [Read More]

Everyone Has Opinions. Everyone Has Research. Does Anyone Have THE Answer?

by Bill Brenner August 17, 2011 Communication Skills

Readers have been sending me all kinds of articles lately about where addiction and mental illness come from and how best to recover. It’s useful and appreciated. But there’s a missing piece. A big missing piece. Mood music: Here’s the thing about addicts: We know all the things you’re supposed to do to get well. We know full well what is good for us and what is bad. And when the itch takes over our…  [Read More]

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