The OCD Diaries

November 27, 2012

The Dumbest OCD Gag Gifts Ever

Those who know me understand that I’m not bothered by humor that pokes fun at OCD. As long as there’s plenty of education available for people to manage the more insidious parts of the disorder, I’m fine with having fun with the quirks. My only requirement is that the jokes be clever.

Some time ago, I wrote about clever OCD gag gifts. These gifts, though, I never want to find in my Christmas stocking. Not because they’d hurt my feelings, but because they’re not even remotely funny. Everything I’m about to pick on is available on CafePress. I have nothing against them, really. I just wouldn’t buy or wish to receive them.

Let’s start with this ornament, which plays on the long-accepted fallacy that people with OCD love to clean:

The fact is that we don’t like cleaning any more than the rest of the population. We’re just driven to do it because our brains get stuck on things that look unsanitary or out of place.

If you see this hanging off of someone’s tree, chances are they need their head examined for some other kind of disorder. Or maybe they just own a cleaning company.

Next we have a variety of signage playing around with the OCD acronym. You can order these on T-shirts, mugs, mouse pads, and the like:

Call me dimwitted, but I never knew a love of fishing and canning qualified as a disorder.

Here we have some poorly done wordplay that tries to have fun with the more stereotypical OCD quirks like hand washing:

This particular design appears on a thong for sale in the online store. Finding this on underwear really should creep a person out.

I’ll end with one I actually included on the good list of gag gifts, but it just hasn’t stood the test of time for me. The problem, I suppose, is that this sort of thing has really been overdone:

It’s not that it bothers me. It just bores me.

If you want to buy a gift that makes light of a person’s disorder and think the recipient will enjoy it, go for it. Humor goes a long way in making a scary, frustrating thing seem smaller and more harmless.

Just try to know the difference between clever and stupid.

October 23, 2012

I’m a Hot OCD Mess Today

I’m admittedly failing to control my worst OCD impulses this morning. I’m trying to assemble a slideshow for my work website and a vital application keeps crashing. It’s a busy day ahead, with blog posts to write and meetings to sit through, so this isn’t the best time for an app to fail me.

Mood music:

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I’ve heard it said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. So for a half hour, I kept trying to restart the work app, getting the same result each time. When I finally slammed the mouse down in anger, making the screen go black for a moment, I realized that I had let my demon get the better of me.

So instead of following my insane impulses, I’m writing this post.

I’d probably be doing better at this had I not started to lose my grip yesterday. The blinders fell over my eyes sometime during the drive home, and I spent the rest of the day operating out of sync from everything around me. I went to bed angry about it and woke up that way. It was a perfect setup for trouble.

I don’t see this as a reversal of all the progress I’ve made in managing my OCD. This morning’s scenario used happen multiple times a day. Now there are much longer spaces between the bad episodes.

But when I have a bad episode, I have to be real about it.

I’ve said it before: OCD is a two-faced bitch. Some days it gives me the boost I need to get a lot done. I came into the office this morning expecting that flavor of OCD to show up and power me through slideshow-, blogging- and newsletter-making before 10 am, when I have two meetings in a row. Instead, the wrong OCD showed up.

It happens. I’m moving on and will do the best I can with this day. Chances are that it’ll turn out to be a pretty good day.

Time to try making it happen.

Face in the Wall

September 27, 2012

Out of My Head

Like anyone with a mental disorder like OCD, I spend a lot of time locked in my head. My thoughts will be on what I’m doing the next day or a year out. Or they’re in the past, replaying scenes from long ago. Last night I began the mission to get out of there.

Mood music:

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It was the first night of my Stress Reduction and Mindfulness class. The instructor is my therapist, though the other students don’t know that. He tells me this is the first class to include one of his patients. I entered a room full of yoga mats, cushions and funny little benches that look like the kneelers they put in front of the coffin at wakes.

“Fuck,” I thought to myself. “Right out of the gate we’re doing yoga.” I’ve resisted doing yoga forever. I don’t have a good reason for that. I guess I think it will just bore me.

In the end, we used the mats for a lie-down exercise designed to make us aware of our bodies and what they’re doing and feeling. A couple people fell asleep.

We practiced eating mindfully, taking a single raisin and staring at it, rolling it in out hands and keeping it in our mouths for a while before swallowing.

We left with homework. Among other things, I have to eat an entire meal mindfully instead of scarfing it down per usual. I also have to take an activity I do almost daily and do it mindfully, taking note of every aspect of the activity as I proceed. For fun, I think I’ll try this while shaving my head.

I can stare at the razor and look at its detail, stop every time I cut myself and study the pattern of the blood dripping from my scalp before washing it off. I’ll take note of how the water feels when rinsing off the cut. I can note the difference between the feel of a clean razor and one that’s getting clogged with my stubble.

I could also practice my guitar mindfully, noting the feel of the strings and the sounds I get as I randomly launch chords from up and down the neck. I’ve already discovered that you can’t really play the guitar without being mindful of every step. I can’t, anyway.

The ultimate goal is to be able to pay attention to every detail when I’m talking to someone or doing any number of other daily tasks where my mind tends to drift.

This should be interesting.

Mindfulness

September 17, 2012

Too Many Balloons in the Air

A friend on Twitter asked what a person is to do when OCD, ADHD and other mental maladies produce the effect illustrated in this comic strip on xkcd.com:

ADD

The illustration really hits home for me, having suffered from OCD and ADHD and having a son with ADHD (the alphabet soup alone is enough to short-circuit a person’s mind). All these conditions have one thing in common: the sufferer tries to keep track of everything going on around them, but that stray balloon always takes them off track.

[spotify:track:29bzX8jP7wO07FyMdOkYT7]

Since the sky is always full of too many balloons, we have to learn to let the strays float away so that we can focus on everything else that demands our attention. How to get there is a tough one. But I’m going to try answering my friend’s question based on what’s worked for me in the past.

Getting to the therapist’s office on a regular basis certainly helps, because you can spill out all your cares and a good therapist will help you re-sort the pieces into a picture that makes sense.

But that’s not enough. Since the root cause of these conditions is a brain with misfiring traffic transmitters, I need medication to help the transmitters fire correctly. Prozac helps do that for my OCD, and Wellbutrin helps for the ADHD.

All these things together have made life much better for me and those who have to live with me. But these mental disorders are powerful and no combination of drugs and therapy will drive it from you completely. There are still plenty of those balloon distractions.

I still have a bitch of a time keeping my head in the present moment. If you talk to me for too long, my thoughts will away. I’ll get lost in some memory from the past or get distracted with something coming up in the future. It can be some thing important, like a bill that needs paying, or it can be something trivial, like a family gathering that’s not happening for another month.

Next week I’m starting a weekly mindfulness class where the whole point is to learn to stay in the moment. I’ll be writing about the experience on a regular basis, so stay tuned.

It won’t be a cure-all. But if it helps me let go of a few more stray balloons, it’ll be worth the cost in time and money.

September 7, 2012

Is Humor Reinforcing the OCD Stigma?

I got an interesting response to some older posts about OCD gag gifts — particularly one about OCD hand sanitizer. The reader was worried these gifts and other brands of OCD humor would only reinforce the stigma monster that keeps people like us in the shadows.

Mood music:

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Here’s the comment, from Arthur Lawrence:

I can laugh at it, and so can you. We both have OCD. And laughing at the OCD “monster” does indeed weaken it. This is a therapeutic application. What bothers me are the millions who have no idea what OCD really is.

For them, products like this continue to trivialize OCD and help keep those millions uninformed about this disease.

Should we now have “Tourette itch powder”? It would be about as appropriate as this product. Again, I don’t dispute what you say about laughing at one’s own “mental defects.” But I do know that OCD research and treatment are still in the dark ages, relatively speaking. And products like this, out in the general public, aren’t going to get people to believe that OCD can be as debilitating as cancer. It needs to be taken as seriously as cancer.

Mocking it will almost certainly not help that to happen.

Arthur makes an important point.

I still firmly believe that humor is an important coping tool for someone learning to manage depressive mental disorders. Abraham Lincoln, a chronically depressed man for much of his adult life, relied on it during the darkest days of the Civil War. He reveled in telling jokes and amusing stories. It helped get him through the pain, long before antidepressants were created.

But the stigma around OCD is still alive and well. I see people all the time talking about “their OCD” when they’re really talking about their Type-A personalities. That doesn’t bother me much, but I know other OCD cases that get wounded by such talk. OCD behavior is still the stuff of ridicule and belittling. People will still make fun of a person’s quirks, which embarrasses and hurts that person when they inevitably find out they’re being made fun of.

Would people find the gags funny if they were about cancer or Tourettes? The truth is that we think differently about physical diseases than mental diseases. We understand the ramifications of physical diseases better and they’re more socially acceptable in that regard. And when a physical disease is a lethal one, we have much less tolerance for jokes about it. Yet people will make jokes about all manner of things for all kinds of reasons.

In the final analysis, I think most health issues need to be addressed with a combination of sober education and humor. People need to know the suffering real OCD brings about, just as people need to know the anguish a cancer patient experiences.

But we need to laugh at our conditions once in a while, too, because the laughter makes the disease appear smaller, even if it’s only for a few moments.

THE OCD CHEF

July 17, 2012October 7, 2015

Lessons From Facebook Unfriend Finder

I recently re-activated the Facebook Unfriend Finder that I wrote about last winter, after discovering my wife was using a similar plug-in. Given my past paranoia over why certain people unfriended me, she thought it was a bad idea for me to use it. But I figured if she could use it, so could I. A few weeks in, here’s what I’ve learned.

When your friend count goes down, it’s usually not because you offended someone. It’s more likely because they deactivated their profile or because they never really knew you to begin with. When the Unfriend Finder alerts me to someone leaving my network, most of the time it’s because they de-activated their profile. I have gotten unfriended outright, but it’s usually someone who was only a remote connection who I never really talked to.

When you work in the media, it’s not uncommon to accept a lot of strangers into your network and vice versa. I’ll accept friend requests from strangers because I figure they’re looking for easy access to my security articles or this blog. Some will accept a friend request to see if they’re interested in the content you’re pushing and defriend when they decide they don’t want it. Fair enough.

Some of the strangers I’ve connected with have become good friends over time. That makes it all worth it to me because, as the saying goes, no man is a failure who has friends. Some folks have annoyed me with their political diatribes and mean-spirited jabs at others, so I’ve cut them loose. I excised someone yesterday, in fact.

For the most part, though, my core network has stuck around. That tells me all the worrying I did was for nothing.

In the final analysis, you can only be yourself in the social networking world. You can’t change for the sake of pleasing everyone. It’s better to take the occasional stand and be disagreed with than go along to get along. Maybe you are someone who should change because you tend to be a jerk online and off-. If you are, this post won’t inspire you to change.

A little something to consider when you see your connection count go down.

July 16, 2012

Five Traveling Tips for OCD Heads

Staying healthy while traveling has never been easy for an OCD case like me. When I traveled to New York in June, I pushed myself to the point where I was lying on the floor of the airport as I typed away, waiting for the flight home. My LA trip the month before ended pretty much the same way.

I don’t really sleep on these trips. There’s too much to do and see, too many interesting people to talk to. I work hard, but I always make time to catch up with friends and family in the city I’m visiting. Next week I fly to Las Vegas for the Black Hat and BSidesLV security conferences. I won’t get destroyed on the road as badly as I used to, because I’ve learned to follow these five steps:

Mood music:

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Don’t eat junk. This one is easier for me because I don’t eat flour and sugar. But it’s still a challenge because I’m not weighing my portions on the little scale like I do at home. That makes it easy to overeat. For the most part, I’ve been able to hold it together, and the better I do, the better I feel when I get home. When I used to junk it up on the road, I’d be useless the first three days at home.
Pack lightly. I used to try cramming most of my wardrobe into the suitcase, along with five books, boots, shoes and so on. I feared being caught far from home without enough shirts and socks. Now I keep it light because I can breeze through the airport and get on and off the plane more quickly. If I run low on pants, I’ll wear the same pair more than once. Many of you do this but won’t admit it. Shirts are a different story. Wearing the same shirt twice would be gross because you can’t hide the stench your armpits leave behind.
Wear sleepwear to the airport. I usually sleep in cut-off gym pants and a t-shirt. I wear them to the airport, too. That way I don’t waste time in the security line removing the belt, rings and bracelets. I keep the jewelry in the suitcase and avoid laced footwear, too. If you have business meetings straight from the airport, you can’t do this. That’s why I never, ever book meetings for the day I land.
Remember the music. The radio stations you get on the airplane almost always suck, so remember the iPod. For me, music is the required way of passing the time on a five-hour flight.
Use the first day to screw your head on straight. The first day in the city I’ve traveled to is not for business briefings and conference calls. I use the time to explore the city I’m in for a couple hours, then I go back to the hotel and look over the agenda for the coming days. At night I meet up with friends, family and business associates for dinner.

From there, I’m ready to work my ass off.

And when I get home, my recovery time is much faster than it used to be. With the busy family life I have, that’s pretty essential.

Suitcases

July 9, 2012

Camping? Don’t Let Fear and Anxiety Ruin It for You

I just got back from a weekend camping trip with the family. It’s the second time we did this in a camper, and I’ve done a few Cub Scout camping trips in the last year and a half. No small deal since OCD and anxiety used to make me fear such things.

Mood music:

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Fear of dangerous situations used to keep me on the couch, and camping was one of those things that made me tremble in terror. I’d go crazy worrying if someone was ransacking our house while we were away. I’d freak out every time the kids got dirty or bitten by bugs. The thought of eating food cooked in a dingy camper or over a campfire would give me the willies.

After years of therapy and the assistance of Prozac and Wellbutrin, I’ve actually learned to enjoy these outings.

Oh, I’m still not a fan of eating inside a camper. Ours is in great condition, but the inside has seen better days (I admit I’m a snob on this point).

Jayco Camper

Disease-laden mosquitoes still worry me. But such concerns don’t paralyze me like they used to. I can still get on with life and enjoy moments despite whatever worry has crawled into the recesses of my brain.

Duncan had a cast for this latest outing, and he got a bunch of nasty-looking bites on the last trip, including one we were fairly certain was a tick bite. It had the bulls-eye look but turned out to be nothing. I worried about these things but didn’t freak out. Not even close.

The first morning we spent at Bayley’s Camping Resort in Scarborough, Maine, I got up at 5:30 and walked to the beach. The ocean always rekindles my spirit, and this beach did not dissapoint.

Sunrise at Pine Point

The trolley ride to Old Orchard Beach that afternoon was fun. We found a discount bookstore where I acquired an illustrated bio of Led Zeppelin, and we played a few rounds of skeeball at a local arcade. This stretch of beach is a bit more circus-like than I prefer, but it made for some good people-watching.

Old Orchard Beach

The next morning we ate breakfast in a schoolhouse-turned-restaurant. Then it was off to Fort Williams Park and a visit to the Portland Head Lighthouse. This place was once a military base, which was more interesting to me than the lighthouse itself.

Portland Head Lighthouse Erin and the Boys

This was not a relaxing trip, truth be told. It was full of all the kid-related chaos that comes with family outings. But it was worth it. And Erin and I did break away for dinner and a beach walk our last night camping. We had a beautiful sunset for the walk.

Sunset on Old Orchard Beach

We were happy as hell to get home last night, especially the part where we slept in our own beds. But we made some great family memories this weekend, and you can’t do that when fear and anxiety keep you pinned to a couch in front of a TV.

I’m grateful.

July 2, 2012

OCD and Facebook Scrabble Don’t Mix

I’ve always avoided all those Facebook games, but I recently decided to give Scrabble a shot. I’m a professional wordsmith, so I figured what the hell. I can kick a few asses and feel good about my word wizardry. But I’m the one getting my ass kicked, in more ways than one.

Mood music:

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I have six games going and I’m getting beat to shit in all but one of them. I have my excuses, for sure. I keep getting stuck with letters I can’t work with. I also question the sanity of those who decided what qualifies as a legitimate word. Most proper nouns are rejected, but the random name will make it through. I see my opponents getting by with a lot of abbreviated words, but I can’t catch a break. Asshat isn’t a legitimate word in the Scrabble dictionary. I cry bullshit. Also, who decided oi is a word?

Here’s the real problem, though: The game triggers the part of my OCD that can’t leave well enough alone. If someone sends me a Scrabble request, I have to respond immediately. No saving my turn for later. I’ve discovered that two of my opponents have the same problem. Two seconds after I make my move, there’s another Scrabble request from the person I just made a move against. Making matters worse, they’re good. Too good. They drop 78-point words on the board like it’s nothing. Bastards.

I’ll keep playing for a little while longer, but then I think I’ll have to delete the Scrabble app forever. It’s too big a trigger for me.

If I were winning more often, I’d no doubt feel differently. But then I’d probably become even more compulsive about the game.

That being the case, losing is probably a winning strategy for me.

June 28, 2012

Five Steps for a Less-Irritating Facebook Presence

Editor’s note: This is a sequel to yesterday’s post, “Stupid Things People Say on Facebook.” In this installment, Bill outlines the steps he takes to be less of a jerk on Facebook. He admits he’s not perfect, especially when it comes to the fifth example.

Mood music:

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My personal rules for using Facebook:

No bitching. If I’m having a bad day, I don’t complain about it in my status updates. Since I hate it when other people do this, I figure I’d be a hypocrite to do it myself.
No badmouthing. I never badmouth people from work (not that I have reason to; my colleagues are awesome) on Facebook. People who trash the boss, the HR department, the customer or the coworkers risk being alienated and ultimately fired. I also abstain from badmouthing family members and neighbors in my status updates. I do tear into people on this blog, which gets posted on Facebook, but these are longer commentaries that take a critical look at human nature. No hateful hit-and-run one-liners in my updates.
No threats. If you threaten to badmouth someone, beat them up, scratch up their car or flip off someone’s children, for example, you are a bully who needs to get kicked off Facebook. Fortunately, Facebook appears to be on top of the bullies.
Be creative. Most of the time, I just share posts from my two blogs and the occasional amusing quote from my children. Once in a while, I’ll share a clever meme or a rock album I’m enjoying. In other words, I try to share the creative stuff. I’m not perfect, though. Which brings me to number 5.
No excessive posting. I’m guilty as charged. One of my OCD habits has been to post my blog pieces by the ton. I know I’ve been unfriended and unfollowed for it, and rightly so. But everything is a teachable moment, and when I entered a writing and posting blackout in the two weeks before the relaunch of this blog, I found that traffic was just as consistent without all the repeat posts. So I’ve made a conscious effort to dial back the reposting significantly. I still repost stuff, especially on the weekends when I usually take a writing break. But I think I have the frequency down to a trickle.

If I still have work to do there, I’m sure some of you will let me know.